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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Family financial problems

58 replies

Addictedtocustardcreams · 21/08/2016 00:07

My FIL has recently died. Since his death we have discovered my in-laws financial state is even worse than we thought, and my MIL is now left with a large amount of debt plus a recent remortgage on their house which she cannot actually afford the repayments for. My DH has therefore decided we are going to give her some money every month to subsidise her. We have young children & live in a moderate sized 3 bed terrace. My MIL lives alone in a 5 bed detached house (same region of the country so similar housing market). We were planning to move to a larger place but this is now on hold. I am really angry about the whole thing & don't really know how to handle it. I have always been very careful with money & when I met my DH helped him sort himself out from slight financial fuck up to more organised money in savings etc.
I have already explained my feelings to DH. He understands but feels he can't leave his mum in the lurch. She has no plans to move & is just going to take the subsidy & continue as she is. I don't really think anyone can help but I can't sleep tonight thinking about it all & can't keep going over it with DH as it just causes arguments.

OP posts:

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Berthatydfil · 21/08/2016 00:10

No -that's madness- she sells up pays off her debts and lives within her means.

HerRoyalNotness · 21/08/2016 00:11

Is the amount he is going to give equivalent to the mortgage payment? Could you talk him into becoming a part owner of MIL house so that you get return on that support?

Does he have siblings? Are they also assisting? Could you sell your house or rent it out and move in with MIL, taking on a % ownership, or buy it off her and let her live with you.

Any of that work? I'd love to help out my IL but if we didn't have the money spare we would be putting our family first.

hownottofuckup · 21/08/2016 00:13

Has DH got siblings?

Addictedtocustardcreams · 21/08/2016 00:14

Absolutely could not live with MIL. Relationship has been tricky at times, would be terrible if we lived together. It's not as much as the mortgage repayments, he does have a sister she will also be contributing.
Don't get me wrong we both earn good money so we will not be scrimping together the money each month. However we were planning to put it away for new house/moving costs etc

OP posts:

Addictedtocustardcreams · 21/08/2016 00:15

Don't know about the part owner thing. I could ask him.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 21/08/2016 00:27

That's just ridiculous - she's on her own in a house that's twice the size of yours that you're helping to pay for?! Absolutely bonkers. I wouldn't agree to that at all.

VimFuego101 · 21/08/2016 00:29

She needs to sell the house.

Joysmum · 21/08/2016 06:22

If my DH or I did this it wouldn't be a problem as it would come from our own 50/50 share of disposable income and not affect the spending power of the other. In fact, I did just this to support my mum for a bit until I realised I was pissing in the wind because she was unemployed but still had a cleaner and got her nails/hair/massage when I couldn't afford to because I was subsidizing her!

We aren't in a position to make arbitrary decisions and make financial dictates to the other. Of course it'd be perfectly possible for the other to suggest the payments be added to the family finances calculations and share the burden...and that's what we did for my dad when he bought a dog of a flat that needed lots more work than he thought (despite warnings).

43percentburnt · 21/08/2016 06:38

This will be taken into account by many mortgage lenders when you move house as it shows as a regular monthly transfer on bank statements. Some may go as far as treating her as a financial dependent (which she is) again this affects borrowing potential.

How long does he intend to subsidise her for? Is her mortgage interest only - if so when does the term end and does she have a plan? many people think interest only mortgages don't have an end date.

Addictedtocustardcreams · 21/08/2016 07:55

joysmum I think that is exactly how things are likely to be. I do not envisage her changing her lifestyle at all (she shops all the time, to the point that I have sometimes wondered if she has some kind of problem) & I think we will be funding this.
The interest is repayment. DH says he doesn't know the term but plans to give her the money for the duration.

OP posts:

GodImbored · 21/08/2016 08:00

I can understand him wanting to help out temporarily but this should not be a long term arrangement. That's ridiculous. She should be planning to sell up and the family can put their energies into helping her do that.

NickyEds · 21/08/2016 08:03

Bloody he'll op, I'm as sympathetic as the next person but no way would I stand for this! She needs to sell the big house, pay her debts and move somewhere smaller. My friend did something similar started years ago and will most likely go on for years to come, even if they inherit the house it will still have cost a small fortune. Her mil simply never learned to budget, after her dh died she got life insurance and when that ran out my friend and her dh took over paying for her.

MakeJam · 21/08/2016 08:04

Was there a life insurance policy? Did MIL know that the house had been remortgaged? It all sounds rather vague. I think you need to do some more digging and get proper legal and financial advice.

Ikeameatballs · 21/08/2016 08:07

This would only be reasonable if it was part of a plan to sell the house and manage the debts in another way.

Eg support her over the next 6 months until the house is sold and she is rehoused appropriately with debts repaid from the sale of the house and a debt management plan for anything left over if needed.

I would explain to your husband the above concerns re how the current situation may affect your ability to move house etc etc and that a longer term arrangement is not possible.

Addictedtocustardcreams · 21/08/2016 08:18

MIL knew the house remortgaged but I think they must have been given rather poor financial advice as the affordability of the payments when my FIL died (& he was seriously ill when this was done so not unexpected) doesn't seem to have been considered. The life insurance will be swallowed up paying off other debts. The family are getting some proper legal advice now. It is however already very clear that the money she will having coming in will not be enough for paying the mortgage plus reasonable living expenses.
I agree with above that we should help her short term while legal/financial situation ironed out.

OP posts:

Berthatydfil · 21/08/2016 08:19

So mil can waft round in a 5 bedroom house filling it with the results of shopping trips living on fillet steak from waitrose while you remain in your much smaller house while paying for her waitrose groceries,council tax and heating bills.

While he's not exactly taking the void from your children's mouths to do it it will be having a negative effect on your savings and disposable income should you need to buy any larger items.

I appreciate that your dh is upset his df has just died and he wants to protect his DM. But in reality all he is doing is enabling her to put off facing reality.
I bet anything that more debts will come out of the woodwork or demands for money for a new car holiday gardener cleaner etc

AyeAmarok · 21/08/2016 08:24

The kindest thing he can do is help her to sell the house, clear all her debts and move somewhere she can manage financially.

He can't unilaterally decide to spend your family money on his mum, indefinitely, without your agreement.

What about a house swap?

pinkandstripey · 21/08/2016 08:24

Could you swop houses? She needs to sell and downsize, you need more space?

Berthatydfil · 21/08/2016 08:25

Ah ok x posted.
There may be a case for misselling there then, but it appears they were living beyond their means for a while before he died if the debts are that great.

timeforabrewnow · 21/08/2016 08:28

Its all very well people saying the OP shouldn't stand for this - but what if MIL just point blank refuses to sell up and her DH point blank refuses to stop payments enabling the MIL?

Sorry to be negative, but don't know if there is a great deal the OP can do, apart from making her feelings known.

BIWI · 21/08/2016 08:32

How much longer does the mortgage have to run?

Can your MIL take in lodgers?

I really don't think it's a good idea for you to take the responsibility for paying for them.

TheGreatDessert · 21/08/2016 08:52

No. You can't let this happen and your husband needs to stop being so selfish. He can't just decide that a decent chunk of your family income will divert to his mother for an undisclosed amount of time! His priority needs to lie within your own four walls.

There needs to be a cut off date for your "help" and she needs to sell her house.

I'd tell him that once all debts have been clarified you will be happy to assist MIL with the sale of the house and help her find a suitable one/two bed place to live.

The house sale would be non negotiable for me.

I wouldn't entertain the idea of a house swap unless it is properly drawn up legally and you actually want to live in her house.

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Parker231 · 21/08/2016 08:57

Why can't she sell and move to a smaller property?

tribpot · 21/08/2016 09:01

What does your DH intend to do when the MIL runs up further debts? Being bailed out by her children will not help her become financially prudent and in fact reinforce the idea that money will somehow always appear when she needs it. It will be far better for her in the long term, as well as for you, that she learns to live within her meas.

Fairylea · 21/08/2016 09:03

She needs to sell and downsize. Anything else is madness. Your dh should not be subsidising her.

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