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Discovered Husbands affair 4 weeks before daughters wedding!

(58 Posts)
user1471521184 Thu 18-Aug-16 13:07:26

Please please give me some advice. I have been married 35 years, I thought happily. Last year (exactly!) I was advised by my husband's mistress that they had been having an affair for 5 years. My husband admitted it all moved out and we gradually began to talk, discuss our issues and realise we are soul mates. I agreed to meet him but never had return home. My daughters were advised of the issue (by me!) and after time re built their relationship with their Dad. We has all been very happy until I was again advised by his mistress that he they met 1 last time for a hoilday for break up sex, and he has always remained in contact with her. My husband admitted it all. My daughter marries in 4 weeks time and my husband has begged me not to say anything and 'forget the whole thing'. My daughter of 29 would cancel the wedding I know and has always wanted her Dad to walk her down the aisle. I am under terrible strain, what do I do? No one else knows of this latest bomb shell

LucySnow12 Thu 18-Aug-16 13:29:23

Wow. I really feel for you. My immediate reaction would be to put your daughter first and not say anything until after the wedding. Then after her honeymoon, explain to her the reasons for your decision. I'm sure she will understand how torn you were. Here is a great site for infidelity support:

www.survivinginfidelity.com

Your husband and his mistress are a terrible pair.

user1471521184 Thu 18-Aug-16 13:49:57

Thanks for the replies, it makes me think I am not going mad after all!
I am trying very hard to hide what I know but have lost weight, am getting snappy. Their Dad comes around when my daughters are here and acts normally, cuddling them and teasing them and acts in a loving way, all of which is disgusting. I have read him the riot act re his behaviour, which he ignores and I now look snappy and irritable to my girls.

adora1 Thu 18-Aug-16 13:56:23

You are not soul mates, soul mates don't like and cheat for 5 YEARS so forget that analogy, it's a false hope you may have had.

I'd keep quiet too until after the weeding, then kick his sorry ass out the door, unforgiveable, he is still seeing her.

I'd explain it's only due to the wedding that you are keeping up appearances, make sure he knows that.

adora1 Thu 18-Aug-16 13:58:13

And please confide in at least a friend, it's not your dirty secret nor is it your role to protect and cover for him.

HeddaGarbled Thu 18-Aug-16 13:58:56

Can you be out or at least out of the way when he comes round? Or tell him not to come round at all?

LucySnow12 Thu 18-Aug-16 14:02:22

You should not allow him to see your daughters in your home. You need to go no contact with him. Has he had any real consequences for his actions? He has proven himself to be a cheat and liar and worse. He wants you to rug sweep his behaviour. Don't tell your daughter what has gone on until after the wedding but tell him he can't come to the house anymore.

SpringTown46 Thu 18-Aug-16 14:15:45

Is it likely like your daughter will find her wedding memories tainted by this lie when she looks back? Would she find it difficult to understand and forgive why she wasn't told? Or would she be grateful that you allowed her this 'blissful ignorance'?

Only you know her personality and likely reaction. Four weeks would allow her to get her head around things. Make choices for herself. I think you are taking a risk by not telling her.

ImperialBlether Thu 18-Aug-16 14:20:56

I think your daughter needs to make up her own mind about this. He's behaving appallingly and showing absolutely no respect for anyone.

headinhands Thu 18-Aug-16 14:28:59

Hm. I probably wouldn't say anything to her. What a shit to put you in that situation. Gosh it's a hard one. So un fair that this is happening. I appreciate the dilemma. But I'd probably err on the side of keeping shtum for her sake until later. And even then just say you've tried to move on but it hasn't worked and you're moving on now.

DPotter Thu 18-Aug-16 14:29:00

sorry this is an awful situation- but can you be sure your DD will not find out from another source about her father? I would have thought it better she finds out from him than from someone else. Tell him - he tells his DD everything, or you will

DrMorbius Thu 18-Aug-16 14:32:42

Why on earth would your daughter cancel the wedding to the man she loves and wants to spend the rest of her life with, because of your husband?

Missgraeme Thu 18-Aug-16 14:35:15

U should tell your dd or so will look back at the photos and think df was a fraud.

OhNoNotMyBaby Thu 18-Aug-16 14:35:58

Why shouldn't your husband act normally with your DDs? Or cuddle them or tease them? His relationship with them is separate to yours.

And why would your DD cancel her wedding? She's presumably marrying a man that she loves. The fact that her father has been unfaithful is irrelevant to that fact.

I'm not denying this is terrible for you and obviously deeply upsetting, but your children are adults (I believe) so you should let them make their own decisions about their own relationships with other people. You seem - probably unknowingly - to be trying to include your DDs in your own grief and anger.

Cary2012 Thu 18-Aug-16 14:49:26

There are two separate issues here OP, the wedding and your rat of a husband's continued infidelity. You need to see them as two things, because you are blurring the two. You are also putting yourself under enormous strain by keeping a secret for a man, who deserves nothing but your contempt. Tell your daughter what has happened. Tell her both you and her dad want her to have the best wedding possible, and both you and her dad make sure this happens. There is no reason that if you are calm with her, show her how strong you are, that she can't be walked down the aisle. He will always be her dad. After the wedding, focus on moving forward without him in your life.

softboiledeggs Thu 18-Aug-16 14:59:30

I would tell her... Or tell your DH that you are going to and give him the option to first if he wishes. She can then decide if she still wants him to walk her down the aisle... If she doesn't then she has been able to make that choice, I'm sure she will be upset but not with you, maybe you could walk her down the aisle even? Rubbish situation but non of your doing, really feel for you...good luck op and throw out the trash that is your DH.

OccultGnuAsWell Thu 18-Aug-16 15:00:11

Why don't you walk her down the aisle if when she finds out she doesn't want her dad to do it?

Sod convention. Your "D"H has been writing his own rules for a while, why don't you do the same?

Littletabbyocelot Thu 18-Aug-16 15:07:23

If the reason you don't want to tell her is that she'll fall out with her dad & not want him to walk her down the aisle that's her choice. I have friends who had a parent cheat when they were adults & they felt it tainted happy family memories. Better her wedding is a bit less happy but real.

tribpot Thu 18-Aug-16 15:22:53

I agree. I can understand the motivation to protect her (and by extension him) but she's an adult. If her choice is not to have him walk her down the aisle at least he will for once feel the consequences of his actions.

Keeping his grubby little secrets is not your problem.

ScarletOverkill Thu 18-Aug-16 15:26:53

I would tell her if it were me. Only if he doesn't have the balls to tell her himself actually flowers

welliesandwine Thu 18-Aug-16 15:34:40

The mistress obviously wants it to be public knowledge by telling you ... She might decide it hadn't had the desired effect and tell your daughters anyway?
I would explain to your daughters that you no longer wish H to visit whilst you are around due to this ...however he is still their Father and shouldn't affect their relationship etc etc , then as adults its up to them to sort out what happens regarding the wedding.
Spending your daughters wedding day with people thinking you are still a happy couple will be very stressful for you (I'd have too much fizz and heckle his speech 😁)

adora1 Thu 18-Aug-16 15:39:28

I'd have kept quiet if your daughters didn't know previously of the affair, they do so they won't exactly be shocked to the core to find out it never really ended....

madgingermunchkin Thu 18-Aug-16 15:41:24

If it were my father, i would want to know.

I would feel a bit betrayed if my mother had tried to "protect" me by keeping it from me, and if never be able to look at my wedding photos in the same way again. It would rain all my memories of the whole day.

My parents did this for "one last Christmas" before my father left. Ive not enjoyed a single Christmas since, because now I just associate it with being lied to and feeling betrayed.

She is an adult, and needs to make her own decision about whether he walks her down the isle.

Cary2012 Thu 18-Aug-16 15:49:37

Love the idea suggested of you walking her down the aisle!

faffalotty Thu 18-Aug-16 16:11:36

I'm not sure from your OP whether you and your husband still live together?

If you are splitting up permanently now, then I think you should tell your daughter. You don't have to give the full details. 4 weeks is still a long time, if you'd found out a few days before I could understand not saying anything.

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