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Found escort page Adultwork on husbands Ipad history after he was away on business

(68 Posts)
DaisY20166 Sun 24-Jul-16 13:20:09

I don't have anyone to talk to about this. My husband goes away on work occasionally and i was using his iPad to buy something for our baby that is on the way so I was looking in the history to find the name of the one thing I was looking at before his trip when I noticed that on the day he was alone as his flight got cancelled (it was actually cancelled not a lie) he went to a
Site called adultwork and looked up escorts in the local area. He looked at her profile and then her picture. Then after this site he googled different porn sites and videos. When I saw this I was disgusted and shocked. I have never ever doubted him in the ten years we have been together (married for 1.5 of those). So I searched Adultwork in his email and it turned out he registered 3 weeks after our wedding. When I went to the website it said his account was deactivated. I don't really care if he looks at porn, but escort sites are a whole different thing.

When I confronted him about it he initially lied and said he didn't know what I was talking about. Then admitted he was looking at porn, then finally admitted that sometimes he goes on that site (once a month) to look at the escorts as it is just something that is a fantasy or a bit dangerous and he knows he shouldn't be looking at it. I was distraught obviously as it doesn't look good that I had trouble getting A hold of him this trip and then the one day he is alone at a hotel he looks up a local escort. He said he was so sorry and he would never do anything like that and he never even thought about how it would look. And he would never want to lose me and it's just since I have been pregnant he goes online more because we aren't having sex as much as we normally do. But he registered on this site 3 weeks after our wedding, when I asked Him that he said he didn't know why he registered probably to just watch a video. I told him if I ever catch him on those sites again that is it. Do you think I am stupid for believing him? This is really out of his character to ever do anything like that and I do believe him but I just don't know if it's me being naive. He instantly deleted everything as he said he didn't want me to go
Mental looking at it and hurt the baby by being upset. No money has gone on any of our cards or anything. I have never been jealous or worried about this but now it is making me sick. He left on another short
Trip again and has a lot more coming up and it is stressing me out so much. I am not sure what to do.

Cabrinha Sun 24-Jul-16 13:35:45

He deleted the evidence so as not to stress you?
The reason he looked was because you weren't giving him enough sex? (you know, what with being pregnant with his child)

He is lying to you. It is not out of character - you just didn't know.

He uses prostitutes, I'm sorry.

It's hard to believe I know - because you're a decent normal person so it seems unbelievable. But that site exists for a reason. Do you think there'd be 1000s of prostitutes for sale on there if it was unusual for them to be bought? No.

I've been where you are, so I can see how laughable - and frankly unimaginative - his excuses are. And I've read the same on here plenty of times, so I'm not basing it only on my experience. Sorry.

Do you trust him enough to have unprotected sex with him now, whilst pregnant when an infection from him could harm your baby?

I'm sorry you're in this position, but he is a liar and a cheat and he's blaming you.

What kind of grade A cunt blames you for not putting out? So which is it - he has a secret love of dangerous prostitute fantasy, or it's all your fault?

WhimsicalWinnifred Sun 24-Jul-16 13:43:45

I don't think looking at an escorts page whilst away means he used it for anything other than visual purposes so that does make some sense.

Registering for a site 3 weeks after a wedding worries me. There is that much free porn freely available that I don't imagine you need to register for anything.

Is this a paid website?

When you say nothing has gone on the cards do you mean nothing at all or nothing with the name of the site? I imagine they will have a bland vanilla name that comes up on bank statements. Most do.

I feel for you about sex life being affected by pregnancy and remember the feelings well.

Some people like to watch porn and master bate. I think it's one of those things but you don't have to accept anything and if he has cheated you are strong enough to make a decision in your best interest and you will have support, whether that's us on mn or elsewhere.

Cabrinha Sun 24-Jul-16 13:54:21

I'm once bitten and twice shy.
If he gets kicks just from looking, he can do that any time.

Rushing to look at local prostitutes when he is away from home with unexpected time due to a cancelled flight is deeply suspicious, no?

Why would his first thought be "oh I have some spare time now, I'll go look at local escorts" just to wank off?

He looked at prostitutes, he deleted his history (for her sake, right) and blamed her. I know I wouldn't be able to have sex with him again, for fear of what I'd catch. Oh and because I couldn't bear for him to touch me.

Bullshit was he only looking. If he hasn't booked one yet, it is a matter of time.

So fucking convenient that he spared the OP's stress by deleting all his history, isn't it?

Surely her stress would be less if she knew exactly what he'd been up to? If it was innocent hmm

Cabrinha Sun 24-Jul-16 13:59:48

OP, that was his iPad.
Presumably he has an iPhone or similar too?
How would he react to you telling him (not asking, telling) that you wanted him to go through that with you now?

Sadly a 'clean' phone wouldn't guarantee anything, but his reaction would be interesting. I suspect refusal, blaming you, getting arsey about lack of trust, dressing it up as not stressing you, followed by deleting history on that too. In fact, you may find he hands it over willingly with a suspicious it clean history.

Becoming detective is fucking soul destroying, but one thing I found with my XH who was only looking for fantasy hmm was that his car sat nav had postcodes that matched massage parlours. I didn't bother to even ask whether that was a drive-by fantasy hmm

228agreenend Sun 24-Jul-16 14:01:08

I don't think this is necessarily a deal breaker and you are not stupid for believing him.

I had a similar thought when I came across a bag of soft-porn magazines (pre-Internet days) when clearing out the office which we were about to convert into a nursery for second child (I was also pregnant). He said he had been given them by someone he was working for and didn't know what to do them (he could have refused them!!!).

Second child is now a teen and we're still together and I've not seen any evidence of such magazines again.

If you believe he was only looking and nothing more (as ther has been no unusual bank statement payments), I think you can move on and be fine (although it hurts). He admitted to it becoming a fantasy and hopefully he realises how much it upsets you, so will stop.

If you think he has gone further. I've. Hired someone, then that would be a deal breaker for me.

WhimsicalWinnifred Sun 24-Jul-16 14:06:25

Has he actively blamed op or said because you are pregnant I am less keen to have sex? The first is unacceptable. The second is understandable and surprisingly common.

Could he have Googled porn and a window at the side said local escorts in your area or did he actively Google local escorts.

I am not excusing aby of his behaviour but it has to be looked at rationally before the finger gets pointed.

If I was bored in a hotel room I may want to watch porn and master bate (I'd go to the bar, drink wine and eat ice cream but that's by the by) and I may not be overly cautious about which pop ups I click on but I would delete my history.

I would put the deletion on op tho. The genuine reason would be that I was looking at porn and probably shouldn't have been. Delete all traces. To put it on op is odd. As is registering to a site.

BubblingUp Sun 24-Jul-16 14:07:32

I don't think this is "out of character" - it appears to be his actual character.

I don't believe him and agree with above poster about the timing being suspicious - cancelled flight, so where are the local hookers? That's his sudden time killer? It seems like the thinking of a more experienced person who is seizing an opportunity again.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this.

Cabrinha Sun 24-Jul-16 14:08:42

Yeah, he realised it hurt her so much that he blamed her.
That's after lying that it happened at all.
And conveniently deleting his history.

Somebody is keeping all these prostitutes in business.

I just don't see the parallel between owning some porn magazines and actively searching for local prostitute when you have some spare time.

Flicking through the fashion pages of Cosmo when you're at home, before the days of internet shopping. Versus having a free afternoon and going on line to search for the local Primark. Which ones sounds more like a dress is going to be bought?

If it was just fantasy, the correct response would have been not to lie, to talk about it, explain it, listen to her - and show her everything in his history which would have reassured her.

Not fucking blame her for not fucking him enough whilst she's pregnant.

He'll minimise it enough himself, he doesn't need MN's help.

Cabrinha Sun 24-Jul-16 14:11:50

It is common and understandable for sex to wane (either or both parties) whilst pregnant.

It isn't understandable to turn to prostitutes instead.

AnotherEmma Sun 24-Jul-16 14:15:27

" I told him if I ever catch him on those sites again that is it. "

In other words, you told him that he's got away with it this time, and he needs to hide it better from now on.

Get an STI check ASAP.

Cabrinha Sun 24-Jul-16 14:21:15

Yeah, I've been there with "don't do it again".
He's not a 5 year old throwing a toy, is he?

I'm sorry I'm so blunt and negative. Just hate the idea of another woman going through the same shit I did.

And I think on the balance of probabilities, this isn't some fantasy, and it wasn't any accidental clicking on google. He actively searched for sex sellers on a site he was already familiar with. And lied about it. And deleted his history.

WhimsicalWinnifred Sun 24-Jul-16 14:22:00

No of course it isn't ok to turn to prostitutes and I never said it was but we don't know that he didn't just get click happy rather than specifically looking.

If it's an ipad or iPhone it may have location services on. My old iPhone told me where I was and when. All listed chronologically. See if you can get that up op. Though obviously if you are having to look at that, you should question your relationship.

My line is that it's entirely plausible to be porn or meeting prostitutes. I would have a look if I could. I trust dp but you never know

AnotherEmma Sun 24-Jul-16 14:25:27

If I found out that my husband had registered with an escort site just weeks after our marriage, it would be game over. Pregnant or not.

I get that you don't want to be a single mum and this is not how you imagined your life panning out, but if you stay you'll never be able to trust him - you'll always be wondering. He'll think he can get away with it because you found all the warning signs and didn't do anything about it.

At the very least you need a trial separation and couple's counselling.

StartledByHisFurryShorts Sun 24-Jul-16 14:41:20

Ok, I have a bit of experience offering services on Adultworks.

There are free videos, pictures and erotica on AW. So if your husband uses porn, it might be possible that he uses the site just to wank off to.

That said, unlike other porn sites, anything he's looking at will have an escort linked to that which makes it rather different from regular porn sites. I imagine plenty of people who would be happy with their partners watching porn would be bothered about that.

Lots of men use sexual services. Many of them are married. Most of them lie about it. Your husband swearing up and down that he hasn't doesn't mean anything. If he has paid for sexual services, of course he's going to tell you that he hasn't.

Also, in terms of money coming out of your bank account, you can pay for services (phone, video camera sessions or in-person meets) via Adultworks. Not sure how this shows up on the bill. However, if he's meeting escorts in person, it's also possible that he would have paid in cash. Escorts can charge anywhere from £50 to £350 an hour (usually somewhere in the middle of that, I reckon).

I don't know if your husband is actually meeting escorts. If he's using AW just to wank off to, I think that would be likely to escalate into something more.

whattodowiththepoo Sun 24-Jul-16 14:55:58

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Joysmum Sun 24-Jul-16 14:56:38

You probably won't catch him on those sites again...because he'll hide it better this time.

Registering within 3 weeks of your marriage is just shock

Registering for things he can get for free anomously is just shock

If you stay in this marriage it'll be a marriage devoid of trust where he'll continue to blame you and minimise.

The adult thing to do in a less than satisfying marriage is to talk it through and fix things.

If he needed to feel a bit dangerous of that he was doing something he shouldn't be, he'd get used to going on those sites and the next step is to use it. He's admitted he's the type to live dangerously.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 24-Jul-16 15:04:29

I don't understand how he could have been looking up escorts local to where he was at the time when his Adultworks account was apparently de-activated UNLESS he's got a secret email account to use it with.

Still, none of this takes away from the fact that he registered on a site for prostitutes THREE WEEKS after your wedding. I think he's been using that site ever since you were married, very possibly long before that. Using the fact of your pregnancy and consequent lack of sex is a downright lie. Any fool could see straight through that or he would have registered much more recently.

From now on accept that every single word coming from his mouth about this is a dirty, filthy lie. You're unlikely to discover that actual truth now that he's been given the heads up and been given the opportunity to cover his tracks by deleting everything. Accept that he might have a secret mobile phone to make appointments.

This would be the end for me but I'm not you. Fancy a whole life together with this arsehole and never knowing what he's really doing behind your back? Because that's what you're going to get.

Think about ending this marriage before the uncertainty sends you completely mad.

DaisY20166 Sun 24-Jul-16 15:06:18

Thanks for all the comments. We did have along talk about it and I asked if he had used any and if he wanted to and he said not it was merely just to have a wank and he did look at other videos after the profile. It did bother me that he typed the name of the site into google but he said he just uses it for that reason. He said he honestly didn't realise he had ever registered and I asked if we could reactive the account and look and he said yes. And he said we could even phone the hotel and ask the hotel for a call log and I could look through his phone.

He never once got defensive or angry. He said that he admitted it looked really bad and he realised he has broken my trust. He just said he has been going online more because we weren't having sex as much because I am pregnant and haven't really felt like it. He deleted the history after I already confronted him about it. At the moment he is gone for work again and I feel
Sick, he has constantly phoned me and messaged me as he knows I will be thinking he is up to no good again.

SandyY2K Sun 24-Jul-16 15:13:21

" I told him if I ever catch him on those sites again that is it. "

In other words, you told him that he's got away with it this time, and he needs to hide it better from now on.

You've nailed it

He'll just hide it better. You said if you catch him and all he has to do is make sure you don't catch him and it's very easy to do this.

Experienced serial cheaters can have:

A secret credit card (online only statements)
A secret bank account (online only)
A secret phone
A secret email account
A wash bag at work

I've no issue with porn in the least, but registering on the site 3 weeks after you got married would likely be a dealbreaker for me.

I don't want to think that you really want to know the truth, because it's frightening.

If he had used an escort, would it be the end? Would you really want to know. If so tell him you're unsure about his story and you'd like him to take a polygraph. His reaction will probably be a giveaway.

Of course one's marriage resorting to polygraphs isn't great, but I personally would rather the whole truth now, than finding out 3 kids later, when I could have divorced and moved on to a better relationship.

You don't actually need to go through with it, but as long as he thinks you will, he's either going to confess or try and beat the test.

Having read the other side so often, of married men who have confessed online to cheating throughout marriage and before, there must be lots of betrayed wives who have no idea.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 24-Jul-16 15:20:30

"He said he honestly didn't realise he had ever registered"

How fucking thick does he think you are? Really, really thick by all accounts.

No-one. NO-ONE "forgets" that they have ever registered on a site supplying contact with cam-girls and prostitutes!

Do not let him insult your intelligence like this because that is precisely what he is doing. He seems to think that the more outrageous lies he tells you the more quickly and easily you will fall for them.

SandyY2K Sun 24-Jul-16 15:27:34

He said he honestly didn't realise he had ever registered

This doesn't sound terribly believable to me. Registering is a very concious action where you go through a procedure and the verification process. He would have entered his email address and password, not just a mistaken click the fingers.

and I asked if we could reactive the account and look and he said yes.

This sounds good .. transparent.

And he said we could even phone the hotel and ask the hotel for a call log and I could look through his phone.

This also sounds good and honest.

He never once got defensive or angry. He said that he admitted it looked really bad and he realised he has broken my trust.

This also sounds promising from him. Especially not getting defensive.

At the moment he is gone for work again and I feel Sick

Sorry about this.

he has constantly phoned me and messaged me

Another good sign.

He's doing lots of good things and unless he's a super actor and has read up all the right things to do, it sounds promising.

He definetly doesn't want to loose you.

loveyoutothemoon Sun 24-Jul-16 15:50:16

But he looked for escorts in your area, don't forget.

And didn't realise he'd registered! Sorry-bulshit.

AnecdotalEvidence Sun 24-Jul-16 16:46:20

Some sites require you to register in order to access the free porn.
If registration simply consists of putting in an email address, then that's easily forgettable.

I don't think this is any indication that he has used prostitutes.
But he won't stop watching porn - if that is a problem for you then you may as well call it a day. If you can live with the porn if he stays off the escort sites, there is hope. He was probably drawn to it from another porn site. They advertise a lot on porn sites.

DaisY20166 Sun 24-Jul-16 16:51:01

I really want to believe him. We started dating when we were very young and have been together ever since. He is my best friend and he has never done anything to ever make me suspicious. We spend pretty much all our time together when we aren't at work, which is why this is so weird. I want to believe it is just a pleasure thing, but I just don't understand it. Financially we are on such a strict budget with the baby coming I would know if money went missing. I just never thought he would even be interested in that kind of thing. It's a big slap in the face to know they are interested in being with someone else even if he hasn't done it opposed to just watching porn. I have invested a third of my life into him it's hard to imagine life without him. I'm not sure what to do, we will definitely need therapy at least.

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