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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Husband left and the kids know cont.

74 replies

Attheendofmytether1 · 02/07/2016 20:15

Just looking for some advice and reassurance really.
On from my last threads, husband wanted to separate but live short term at home after a history of affairs (on his side).
I was devastated and felt I had no choice but to tell my four DC (he wanted to keep it secret for a while).
I asked him to leave and he is now sleeping at his aunt's home.
For the last week he has been here every waking minute and going to his aunts after DC in bed about 9.30pm.
He's always asking me am I ok and why I have him 'restricted' on FB and yesterday he said I was 'different' because I was just getting on with life and not crying.
I had to go to a work mixer last night so he slept on the sofa and has been here all day.
It has just got too much and feels too normal and was breaking my heart so I asked him to leave and go to his aunts about 6 as he was going out tonight to a leaving do at work . He was furious and said he wanted to get ready here and 'not to cause a fuss' but I insisted.
I feel guilty but I think for myself it was the right thing. I need space to heal. He is playing with my mind and giving me hope.
My anxiety is sky high and have Mae cakes and bread to keep my hands busy.
How do I get over my soulmate

OP posts:

Report

Petal40 · 02/07/2016 20:21

Could he of changed his mind and be hoping he is allowed back

Attheendofmytether1 · 02/07/2016 20:23

He's been begged and pleaded with to come home but he says not.

OP posts:

Lucked · 02/07/2016 20:32

it is difficult if it is the marital home and he has access.

You can still live separately in a house, although I imagine it is soul destroying. I think you need to decide when each if you has primary responsibility for the kids and not do things together. For instance if it is his day/weekend get out of there and don't be available to cook dinner or do baths. If it is your day ignore him as much as you can - remind him it is your time with kids and don't invite him along if you go out.

You are allowed to be furious too - infact you have the moral high ground. I would be quite blunt (when the kids aren't there) about how much you do not want him there.

Also don't make it comfortable. Switch the football off. Do not so much as offer a cup of tea never mind food.

Attheendofmytether1 · 02/07/2016 20:37

Thank you. Neither of us are eating much anyway. Am just worn down with it all. He's not even interacting with the DC really unless approached by one of them.
Feels a bit like he wants his cake and to eat it.

OP posts:

Iflyaway · 02/07/2016 21:14

He's been begged and pleaded with to come home but he says not.

Please pick your self respect off the floor....

This man has no respect for you. You know what you have to do....

You deserve respect! Stop flogging a dead horse relationship and find your inner strength... unless you want another 10 years or more of this bullshit

Iflyaway · 02/07/2016 21:16

You owe this to your kids. LP talking here.....

Attheendofmytether1 · 02/07/2016 21:19

Thank you. I need a kick up the bum

OP posts:

starry0ne · 02/07/2016 21:20

Yes he does want his cake and eat it..He doesn't like you moving on..You need to lay down some boundries.

Why is he there all the time is he not working?

If he is not interacting with the kids then ask him to leave.. Ask him to take kids out.

Attheendofmytether1 · 02/07/2016 21:36

Yes he goes to work, (as do I), but he comes here straight from work and stays till 9.30. His clothes are still all here.
My eldest daughter has a friend coming for the afternoon tomorrow and he wasn't happy.
I would love a few days break from him but then he says I'm keeping the DC from him and threatens getting custody because of an overdose I took five years ago when he confessed to an affair (I was 3 weeks post c-section when he confessed).
All my mental health problems since are due to his infidelities and are documented as I seek help as soon as I feel low.

OP posts:

thingamijig1 · 02/07/2016 21:45

You need to put your foot down and get that man out of your house and out of your life. What a horrible peace of shit. Sorry op that you are going through this
I know it's obviously a lot harder to do than for me to write but you will feel so much better once you can move on from him. He has stated he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, breaking your heart in the process, and is now keeping you in limbo instead of allowing you to pick yourself up and move on.
He can see the Dc at agreed times like any other divorced dad.
I hope you manage to get him to leave op. And see a solicitor that man needs to get the fuck out of your life.
Good luck

thingamijig1 · 02/07/2016 21:46

*piece even

Attheendofmytether1 · 02/07/2016 21:52

Thank you. You're right I'm being walked all over. He is totally pissed now that I asked him to go back to his aunt's house.

OP posts:

Batteriesallgone · 02/07/2016 21:55

I very much doubt he actually wants the kids - I imagine they would somewhat hinder his ability to shag about if he had to be home looking after them.

Empty threats from someone controlling and cruel. Call his bluff and stand up to him.

Attheendofmytether1 · 02/07/2016 22:00

Thank you. I KNOW I'm a good mum. My DC are a credit to me and I try very hard with them.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 02/07/2016 22:31

Here's an idea. If he's coming over to see the DC , you put on your gladrags and go out while he's there.

He's mystified that you aren't a sobbing mess. Just get ready and say when you'll be back, then leave. Look happy as you walk out and be businesslike with him.

No more begging and back to the 180. You're worth more and you don't deserve his crappie treatment.

Allalonenow · 02/07/2016 23:32

They all threaten to get custody of the children, it's just a way to pull your strings and make you behave.
Ask your self logically how that would work, he has no home to take them to, he doesn't seem to interact with them very much, he has never been the main carer, and most of all how would he carry on his serial affairs/relationships when he was stuck looking after four(?) children, they would really cramp his style. Getting custody is the last thing he actually wants.

Pack up all his clothes and have them in the hall waiting for him next time he comes.

smilingeyes11 · 03/07/2016 00:34

I agree - find your self respect and get him out. If he wants to see the DC he picks up from the doorstep. No more swanning in and taking up your space and time. He had affairs so now he buggers off. Tough luck.

Allalonenow · 03/07/2016 00:59

I've been thinking about you since posted the above, and wondered if you have ever thought of doing the Freedom programme?
I know you can't have much free time, but it is available on line to do at your own speed.
Do have a read about it, it could be just what you need, and might help you a lot.

springydaffs · 03/07/2016 07:03

Better to go to the FP if at all possible. And you have a lying piece of shit on the sofa who can mind the children when you go.

Have a look at the FP site and click 'find a course near you'

Attheendofmytether1 · 03/07/2016 08:23

Thank you am going to google that right now. It's been a tough night. Have fun slept very well at all and keep dreaming about him.

OP posts:

Attheendofmytether1 · 03/07/2016 08:41

On reflection I'm probably in a worse place than I let on. It's hard to pack up his stuff and I rely on his parents for (minimal) childcare when I work (now that the DCs are on holidays).
Today I just don't want to get out of bed. Thankfully my 4yo has snuck in beside me and is fast asleep but the day seems a long road ahead.
I've had to seek help from mental health professionals as I was falling down the rabbit hole again .
Haven't heard from him since I asked him to leave yesterday so I guess he's not concerned about kids.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 03/07/2016 08:49

No he's not concerned about the kids.
He just wants to keep messing with your head.
Stop letting him walk all over you.
He left. He can stay out now.
Set some boundaries.
Pack his stuff up and keep him out of your house.

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mummytime · 03/07/2016 08:54

Start planning.

Get legal advice, if possible try a few local solicitors for a free 1/2 hr (one local to me offers a free 1 hr - so it's not a MN myth everywhere). You are looking for someone you can work with and who will fight for you.
Get advice on things like benefits.
Can you employ a "summer au pair" or could a local older teen help with babysitting?
He needs to leave - for the sake of the children who must find the present situation "confusing".
Lots of mothers are the resident parent and have all kinds of mental health issues. On the whole SS are not interested (and judges certainly aren't unless SS are), and even if they are will offer support if possible - as it's the cheapest solution.
Nevermind that if he was made the resident parent "how exactly would he organise child care?"

You can do this! Just keep doing what you have to. Be kind to yourself. And do what makes you feel better (such as make sure his stuff is out of sight). Try to eat, and keep your fluids up.

Attheendofmytether1 · 03/07/2016 08:58

He says it's his house too.
Where do I find the strength to carry on?

OP posts:

starry0ne · 03/07/2016 09:05

This isn't about the kids this is about you..

I would be telling him it is not fair on the children ..As it is confusing them they need to understand you are separated..( that along with it is not fair on you.)

Part of the side effect of separation is neither parent gets to see thier child all the time..Unless one dips out completely.

I would tell him he needs to find a place to have contact. I would tell him that and tell him he can have what contact he wants.. I think you will find he doesn't want custody at all. I also think you need to tell him he needs to find somewhere else for his stuff. Tell him while he is sat on his bum at your house to start packing it up..

It really is time for you to take control. You will not start to feel better while he is in your house

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