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Heartbroken and confused

(59 Posts)
Confusedlecturer Sun 26-Jun-16 23:19:29

I never thought I'd be in this position, I'm not even sure why I'm posting, but I have no one to talk to in RL. My husband of nearly 25 years informed me on Thursday night that he hasn't loved me for years, I'm difficult to live with and he's been seeing someone else for two years. He won't even consider trying to save our marriage and he will be moving 500 miles away to live with 'the love of his life'.
Before the weekend I thought we were happy and very much in love, we have a lot in common, I've helped him build his career, we were even discussing all the things we were going to do now our last child heads to university in the summer. How can I have missed his unhappiness? I don't recognise the person that he claims I am. This has come as such a massive shock, I still love him so much, I haven't stopped crying since Thursday, I haven't been able to eat since Friday as even a small amount of food is making me sick. I just feel bewildered - I just can't see a way ahead and I have no idea what to do next.

LucyLocketLostIt Mon 27-Jun-16 00:17:56

I've only just seen your post from yesterday. Surprised you haven't had any replies. Your thread must have got lost on here. How are you doing today?

So sorry this has happened. I think you need to get him to leave ASAP if he hasn't already and cut contact with him as much as possible.

Please tell someone in real life as well and get some support.

I know it doesn't feel like it now but you will get through this and life will be good again. flowers

LucyLocketLostIt Mon 27-Jun-16 00:19:40

Oh sorry. Just realised I got confused over when you posted this! I'm sure you'll have lots of replies soon.

monkeywithacowface Mon 27-Jun-16 00:38:56

You missed his unhappiness because he has been merrily deceiving you for two years and enjoying his affair knowing that he was going to leave you once your child had left for uni. You don't recognise the person he claims you to be because all he is doing is trying to deflect what an absolute shit he is rather than take any responsibility for his behaviour.

Please do not let him lay all this at your feet. I hope someone can give you better advice on how to move forward but right now you are shocked and hurt so if you can rally your friends and family and surround yourself with as much support as you can flowers

MsGus Mon 27-Jun-16 00:51:44

Very sorry to hear this. I wish you the best. It will be hard but you will move on from this pain. Let him go, it's not worth trying to keep him.

Confusedlecturer Mon 27-Jun-16 06:36:49

Thank you for all your replies, I know in my heart I should be so angry with him, but I'm just so stunned that this is happening. I've asked him to leave, but he said he can't at the moment as things are complicated by this other woman's husband. To be honest I've just changed career into academia, literally weeks ago with his encouragement so financially I'm not in a good place, I can't afford to keep the family home on. It's rented, so no money to be gained, but I don't have any savings, we used them to pay off a loan not long ago. The future just seems impossible at the moment.

janaus Mon 27-Jun-16 06:41:40

So sorry to hear you have been put in this position. Its like a rollercoaster of emotions. Sorry no advice, but support given.

OllyBJolly Mon 27-Jun-16 06:44:16

Sending hugs. Most important thing for you to do now is look after yourself. msGus and Lucy are correct- you will move on and be happy again.

Get a good lawyer (by recommendation). Your ex has broken the marriage and has to face the consequences. His accommodation is his problem, not yours.

Stay strong xx

timelytess Mon 27-Jun-16 06:44:46

The future will happen, whatever it is, so don't give it any thought. Likewise, give no credence to anything he says about your past relationship. All that matters is that he's a cheat and he's needs to go asap. Take deep breaths and have a cup of tea. Eat something, no matter how small, and try again to eat every couple of hours. That's all you have to do for now. You'll be ok, but it won't feel like it for a while. Keep posting.

Confusedlecturer Mon 27-Jun-16 06:48:20

What makes me so sad and scared is this man who claimed to love me has his whole future mapped out and secure, And has left me with a black Hole, nothing, and he doesn't seem to care. All our friends are joint friends, but he has a bit of 'following' as he has a 'high profile job' I think by the end of the week I'll be friendless too. Thanks for reading, it's helping writing it down. I'm normally so positive and see the best I things, but I'm just so scared now.

UptheAnty Mon 27-Jun-16 06:52:26

I'm sorry you are going through this flowers

Why are you "difficult to live with"? Did he tell you that?

MyGastIsFlabbered Mon 27-Jun-16 06:52:54

Tough shit if things are complicated for him at the moment, he can't tell you this and then refuse to leave. He needs to give you space to think things through and work out where you go from here. And I agree with other posters that he's trying to shift the blame onto you, by making you into the harridan that forced him into the arms of another woman, don't believe him for a second.

Get to the CAB to find out what benefits you might be entitled to, if any, and speak to a solicitor.

Sorry you're going through this, I can't imagine what it must be like.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Mon 27-Jun-16 06:57:59

I'm so sorry he'd done this to you.

You didn't notice because he probably wasn't unhappy, he just found a way of eating his cake and having it too. Many do.

Him not loving you for years, being unhappy & all the stuff about how you are...it's a 'script'. It's 'The Leavers' script, it enables them to blame you & feel justified in leaving. It's all bullshit.

He feels 'free' to leave now your youngest is off to uni. Great huh. Lovely start to adult life for them. Wanker.

As for not being able to leave due to complications with her husband. For Fuck Sake. The laugh will be on him if she doesn't leave her husband. I'd help that along, ring her DH.

I know what you want to do is 'save your narriage' and beg him to stay, do what we call the 'pick me dance' but it doesn't work. Marriages after affairs can only be saved if the one who had the affair is genuinely remorseful and prepared to out in a shed load of work to rebuild the trust. That's not your DH. If he 'changes his mind, realises what he woukd lose, realises he loves you' it will all be bullshit. To will be that she hasn't left her DH. You don't want to be 'fall back'.

I know this will be hard, but pack a bag of his essentials, hand it to him & tell him you don't care where the fuck he stays, but he's no longer welcome in the family home.

Get your ducks in a row regarding bank accounts, paperwork, solicitors etc.

Please don't try to hang onto what you no longer have. It will only make things harder for you, honestly 💐

Confusedlecturer Mon 27-Jun-16 07:06:15

He's throwing all sorts at me that he's never mentioned before. I was difficult to live with as I was caught up in my career, actually one of us had to work bloody hard (I was an assistant head/ teacher) as he was building his niche career. He apparently hated me bringing work home - never said anything to me in all those years and I was unapproachable when he was depressed after our third child was born 18 years ago - I was in ITU for 2 weeks and nearly died, our child was in NICU for a month followed by major operations, when I pointed out I was depressed too he said that was different as it was normal for new mothers. It feels like someone has taken my darling husband and replaced him with this man. My kids want to get rid of the TV and radios this week so they don't have to see him being charming and normal to the rest of the world.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Mon 27-Jun-16 07:06:29

It is really hard when you have lived the 'supporting role'. Their life carries on much the same while yours is turned upside down.

Friends...meh. It's a good time to work out who they are and who they aren't. You might be very surprised at friendship coming from people you least expect and 'being dumped' by people you least expect (though sadly you seem to expect it from most people).

Be honest with people. Tell them DH has left after you discovered he was having an affair. Don't tell anyone more than you want to, but the shame is HIS, not yours (though most of us feel it's ours for 'not being good enough' etc - we need to get past that and get everyone to a mindset where the one cheating is the only one at fault). Don't hide his guilty little secret for him.

What's happening re his job if he's moving 500 miles away?

I know it's devastated you right now, but trust us, there is life after this and sometimes it's even better.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Mon 27-Jun-16 07:09:30

Oh I'm sorry he's all over the media too.

Still, if he's a politician take some comfort in the fact that at least half the country hate him too 😁

My inner bitch really, really wants to fuck him over & suggest you out him on Twitter for the cheating bastard he is.

Confusedlecturer Mon 27-Jun-16 07:11:46

Thank you ExtraHotLatteToGo! Sadly your observations are starting to make sense to me.

Confusedlecturer Mon 27-Jun-16 07:19:14

Not a politician, just another event in the next few weeks that he's an expert in, so not famous, just the go to person for the media. His job is based from home, so he can go anywhere. I think having heard everyone's advice I will make myself busy today and get all the paperwork that could be useful together and phone a few selected joint friends, to explain. This has really helped, I'm sitting here now starting to feel angry with him. Thanks all of you.

ThankGodItsThursday Mon 27-Jun-16 07:22:16

Echo what other posters have said.
He's not been unhappy for years - but by saying he has he is trying to minimise what he has done to himself and others.
I'm 8 weeks in to exactly the same situation (except we have only been together for 14 1/2 years). My daughter is off to university this September. At least he waited to tell you until your child's exams were over.
I won't lie. It's hard, really hard but I don't recognise the man he has suddenly become and I don't want to be with someone like him.
Do you know who the other woman is? If so tell her husband. Force the situation.
I told my husband to get his stuff and get out. I took his keys off the side and told him this was no longer his home.
Some people might tell you he has as much right to live there as you do. But to my mind - no he doesn't. He forfeited those rights the minute he cheated.
Also I know eating is hard - I lost nearly a stone in the immediate aftermath. Try yogurt, soup, chocolate anything that is easy to swallow. Your appetite will gradually return.

Gide Mon 27-Jun-16 07:22:46

He's only claiming that you're difficult to live with to make himself feel better and to justify leaving you, when actually, he's a lying, cheating bastard. It's typical behaviour of the cheater to say how awful the other person is in order to make the,selves feel better. Could you apply to go back into teaching? The salary is decent for assistant heads.

TrappedNerve Mon 27-Jun-16 07:29:51

So sorry opsad
Similar happened to my mum, she was at rock bottom but now 9 years on she can see that things weren't great and my dad ( who I love dearly ) was an absolute shit to her and blamed her for a lot of the reasons why he had an affair.
We sat with her and just listened, let her cry, call him whatever she wanted to and was just "there" for her.
I didn't see my dad for 3 years which was my choice.
They were together from 14, married at 18 and married 32 yrs.
My mum said it was like grief.
Please get as much support as possible, thinking of you xx

Confusedlecturer Mon 27-Jun-16 07:37:49

ThankGodItsThursday, I'm so sorry you're going through this too. i think I may have to do the same today, it's so hard to focus when he's swanning around the house. He's told me who the other woman is, thankfully I don't know her, the husband apparently knows now but hasn't moved out yet. It really hurt yesterday when he said he couldn't go and live with her straight away as it wouldn't be fair on her three small girls ... What about our three lovely children?

Returning to teach is an option Gide. I've just started a temporary university lectureship in education which I am loving and have been given lots of work until October, so I think I will will stick with this for the moment and reassess when I know the work situation post October. I just to build some financial reserves. Thank god for exam marking...

Thanks to all of you, this is really helping get my head straight.

Warrior314 Mon 27-Jun-16 07:43:58

You won't be friendless for ever. You'll make better betters in the end. xx
Losing shallow friends who seem to have half a brain, the other half determined mostly be 'what-other-people-might-think' still hurts though.

I'd ask your H to exlain why he left you so financially vulnerable, encouraging you in to academia knowing he was going to leave you is at best bizarre and at worst compounding the cruelty.

Warrior314 Mon 27-Jun-16 07:46:13

Oh that comment about it not being fair on her three small kids takes the biscuit

brew

janaus Mon 27-Jun-16 07:46:57

He doesn't have any rights to tell you WHEN he wants to leave.
He leaves NOW or when you say so.
Get your anger happening. It will keep you going for now.
Best wishes. At least you have your wonderful children, he has betrayed them also.

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