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A mess

(83 Posts)
Cannitgetitrigt Thu 07-Apr-16 00:40:51

I've NC, sorry. I've been with oh for ten years. I have to my shame, always been bad with money and oh has bailed me out in the past. It is far easier to say here where I'm just a name. Over the last year I've been much better and have actually managed to save, I also have a stocks and shares ISA which I pay £100 a month. I've had a bad year with my dad having to go into care plus problems with my dsm being ill and various other problems. Oh is older than me and I work for him also, this is relevant. He's been sorting out some of his financial things,, pension review plus investments and this afternoon he asked how my bank account is, nothing joint but I did have a credit card on his account though I very rarely used it. Stupidly I said my account was fine, it is, nothing over drawn money there no problem. The stupid part is that I have such a ridiculous stubborn streak so I thought that was an acceptae answer, which it isn't. As the day went on he became accusing and angry as I refused to show him so he became more convicted I was lying and I dug my heels in. It's ended up with hi cutting up the credit card, my card but his account. He's changed pass words and has told me not to touch anything financial of his at all. He isn't a person to back down and I do know I've overstepped the line as far as he's concerned it means I don't trust him which I suppose is the only way he will look at it. This could cost me my relationship, his words plus my job. Sounds dramatic but it's true. I know I e got form for money issues so it's being unreasonable for me to refuse to show him it's all ok. I seem to have a self destruct button at times. He says I'm arrogant, I don't but is it possible to see it in yourself? Why I'm so stupidly stubborn is the big question. My mum was an alcoholic and has been dead many years, my oh tonight said I must be like her and that while he sat watching me he thought what it must have been like for my dad trying to sort her out. That made me remember being small, maybe five years old, running up the steps to the back door and I sme how put my arm straight through a glass panel. I only scratched myself but my dad was cross and said I had to say sorry for breaking the glass. I wouldn't because I didn't do it on purpose, I was called to go in the house so up the steps I went, pushed the door and the glass was broken. I ended up being sent to bed because I wouldn't apologise. I have a problem admiring I'm wrong. How do I sort this out? I will really try to take on board and advice given. Thank you.

Hawkmoth Thu 07-Apr-16 00:45:49


Cannitgetitrigt Thu 07-Apr-16 00:48:44

Run? Why?

goddessofsmallthings Thu 07-Apr-16 00:50:32

Am in correct in assuming that you're not married to your "oh" and that you're living in his home and could lose the roof over your head as well as your job if you can't sort this out?

Cannitgetitrigt Thu 07-Apr-16 00:53:40

Yes Goddess, his house and I work for him, I have done for seven years

Cannitgetitrigt Thu 07-Apr-16 00:55:21

This is such a pathetic situation to be in. I'm 49 for God sake. For what it's worth I do love him

Cannitgetitrigt Thu 07-Apr-16 01:08:02

The more times I read my post the more I realise there's nothing really in this for him. We've had our ups and downs as most people do and he can really have his temper moments with me, even when I can hand on heart say it's due to work stress and not me. Maybe if I'd have been more financially stable in the past we might not have still been together. I have found the last two years particularly hard with his moods and he has a vicious mouth which he's quite proud of but he tells me it's my fault and that I bring that dude out in him. He seems to ignore the fact that he is like it at times about but not too other people. I'm also often told that I know where the door is if I'm not happy.

MakeItRain Thu 07-Apr-16 01:30:27

He doesn't sound very nice at all. The first thing I would do here is look for another job. Working for him is making you feel completely dependent on him. If you find other work, you'd be in a stronger position to leave. Take it one step at a time, just looking (but not yet going for) other positions might make you feel a bit stronger.

butteredmuffin Thu 07-Apr-16 01:36:28

Just to clarify... the issue is that he asked you to show him what was in your bank account and you said no. Right?

goddessofsmallthings Thu 07-Apr-16 02:31:09

As I very much doubt that you're named on the deeds/mortgage to his property, he has the power to put you out on the street at a moment's notice and you'll have to fight to get recompense if he give you the sack or makes you redundant without due notice.

It's therefore expedient for you to engage in a damage limitation exercise and I would suggest that you suck up to him express remorse for not having complied with his request and for digging your heels in when he persisted. Cite the incident with the broken glass when you were a chid and explain that your unfair punishment made you determined not to accept the blame for anything you didn't do when you became an adult.

Hopefully, you'll be able to bite the bullet smoothe his ruffled feathers and revert to something approaching your customary status quo and, having achieved this, you MUST start planning how to leave this controlling and abusive piece of work before you lose all sight of yourself.
I'm sorry that your df has had to go into care. Do you have any friends or other family members that you could stay with should push come to him giving you the shove? Would it be possibe for you to stay with your dsm temporarily?

WhoaCadburys Thu 07-Apr-16 02:31:53

Yep, run.

Or at least get some independence. You've done well with an alcoholic mother, to have done as well as you have. He sounds controlling and patronising.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 07-Apr-16 03:01:49

You have absolutely NO security whatsoever with this unbenevolent dictator and, regardless of how hard you slog your guts out for him and turn yourself inside out to escape his wrath, he could pop his clogs and you'd find he left all of his considerable wealth to the RSPCA who'd have you out of your home faster than they euthanise healthy animals.

Please invest in copy of Lundy Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That' and please keep posting here as your situation is one of the most pitiful I have read on this board and I have no doubt that, with help from the mumsnet massive, you CAN change your mindset and change your life for the better - and by 'better' I mean better than you can even begin to imagine at the present time.

Aussiebean Thu 07-Apr-16 05:06:38

On one hand I can see why he wants to ensure you aren't in any trouble. I have seen a number of threads here where the partner has gambling or spending habits that have put the family at risk financially. So the op has needed to take control and have access to their accounts to ensure it doesn't happen again. If he has genuine concerns about it, then showing him you have everything under control will help relieve that stress.

Also I would have expected an apology for breaking the glass to. I understand you didn't do it on purpose, but your actions caused it to break, you weren't wrongly accused. No one else did it and you got the blame. It's like if you threw a ball at a tree, but ended up hitting your friend in the face. You didn't do it on purpose, but you still say sorry.

I am not saying it was dealt well with by your father, but I understand why an apology was called for.

Saying the above, i agree that you need to start taking charge and get your own job. He doesn't sound nice and you need to ensure you are ok and independent if it all ends.

Imbroglio Thu 07-Apr-16 05:13:30

A few questions.

Are you married?

You say you work for him - is it his business? Does he pay a fair wage for what you do and do you have a pension?

Cannitgetitrigt Thu 07-Apr-16 05:43:57

Thank you so much for your replies. I've been asleep so that's why I haven't replied. I've no family other than those I mentioned and two step brothers but we aren't close, as for friends not really. Over the time we've been together I've ended up with just letting go of my old life. It was easier to do that than the silent treatment. When I look at myself like this I see someone who has been slowly pushed to not have any outside influence, the people I used to work with were a pretty mixed bunch but we got along and would socialise too but I didn't end up going on the Christmas do's once we were together as he didn't like it. I'm constantly told I've got an easy life which is true in many ways,work is something I've been able to be very flexible with. No problem if I've needed time to arrange care for dad and the constant phone calls from when he was in hospital or me dealing with social services for him. All of this I'm very grateful for and have said so.
I need to start looking for a job but my confidence is null now and I've no idea what to do. I was at my last job for 18 years but it isn't a job I could go back to, 7 years is a long time to be out if it plus I'd ended up with a bad shoulder which took around two years to improve after I finished. The job I do now is bits of different things, reception, a small amount of book work, taking orders and helping out if needed in another area, skilled prea, but I'm not skilled in this but can help out if that makes sense. So if I'm honest it's a bit of a made up job, I'm told this often.
I have lost sight of who I am but as again it's been pointed out to me that I'm so useless that he hates me because I don't do as I'm told but when I don't bite, if I try to reason or tell him to stop being aggressive or offensive he laughs at me then gets more angry. I used to get upset and cry much easier, though I'm crying while typing this. I think that me not crying,, which annoys him and he says its just me feeling sorry for myself, is almost making it worse because if I don't show I'm upset then this is when he tells me I'm arrogant and that he'll wipe the smile off my face, not that I'm smiling.
As for work, I know I'm not pulling my weight as it were in the business but at home I do all the cooking which I like doing, all the cleaning, most of the gardening,, very large garden . We argued a last week as I said I'd cut the grass, it's s heavy petrol mower, he was tired and snapped at me because he didn't want the neighbours to see me doing it as it would make him look bad.i try to look after him the best I can, I help him with his hobby which takes up well over half the weekend and after I explained that by doing this I was getting behind on the house work he told me to have any day off in the week to get it done which is fine by me. I just like to keep it nice and clean but tonight I'm told I'm lazy. Every day I get up and make him coffee and take it to him in bed. If working I make packed lunches and I fetch and carry what ever he wants, thus never stops even if I have a migraine and am sick, he gets cross that I'm not well. If I physically hurt myself it's differentand he will look after me

Imbroglio Thu 07-Apr-16 05:50:37

It doesn't sound like a happy or equal relationship. brew

Cannitgetitrigt Thu 07-Apr-16 05:54:39

Sorry imbroglio. No we aren't married, yes I get a fair wage but no pension to speak of. I found some paper work which goes back years and I emailed the company and they want more details of who I am. I'm sending off all the details they need today but it won't be worth that much, the last statement is back to 2000 and it wasedd than £4000 back then and I've not made contributions it was set up when I was twenty and was to do with part of ni contributions I think. It was my boss back then who's husband was I financial advisor and they told us it was a good idea to do.

ChopsticksandChilliCrab Thu 07-Apr-16 05:55:16

I can see why he was worried you were overspending again, given your history. Why didn't you show him the paperwork? Have you really nothing to hide?

The rest of it doesn't sound brilliant. I think you need to get a different job and be independent. Your OH holds all the cards and if/when this relationship goes belly up you are going to be left high and dry. Don't just play at keeping house when you have no rights over the house and could get kicked out at any moment.

Cannitgetitrigt Thu 07-Apr-16 05:58:20

I'm happy most of the time, at least I think I am, it's the other times that get me down. I'm happy to cook and clean and I love to be in the garden but one click of his fingers and it could all be gone. This is the bit that scares me most and rightly so. It will never be an equal relationship

kittybiscuits Thu 07-Apr-16 06:04:16

Your confidence will never improve whilst you are the plaything of this vile control freak. He is like a cat toying with a mouse that can't get away. The advice to look for a job is excellent. Of course your confidence is in shreds. This is what he has deliberately done to you. It's awful to read. He is hideous. Please take a tool and start tunnelling your way out of this hell. Since you will be leaving with nothing anyway, the other option is just to pack a bag and leave without a word. Your life isn't over. You can build a better life for yourself. Your post is so upsetting to read. You have an awful life with him.

Cannitgetitrigt Thu 07-Apr-16 06:04:41

Nothing to hide Chopsticks. be is 10 years older than me and had been looking at his pensions. He then said how are you at the bank, I said fine , it's all Internet banking no paper work, and he said log on and show me. This is when I said no. Yes I understand I've got bad form but it was his sudden calling me a liar a cheat etc that got my back up.

Cannitgetitrigt Thu 07-Apr-16 06:36:47

Kitty I can't stop crying, not that it solves anything. Last night it was how much he hates me and how I disgust him, that I'm a liar and a cheat. He also said that if I had nothing to hide them he'd hate me even more for causing the problem. I have no where to go right now. I would need to find a place to live and a jobHe said he can feel a redundancy coming on. I have a very big hill to climb but it won't get any easier. I'm at rock bottom confidence wise and have no where to turn. I've taken the way route all through this, giving up on friends because he didn'tike them, not his sort of people etc. other that the people who work for him he has no friends, not that the work people are friends as such but they pretty much go along with what he says
He doesn't like many people, including his own family and he particularly disliked my family. When I was 40 , my dad and step mum wanted to take us out for a meal. I picked a nice place but a coue of hours before we were due to go he picked an argument over nothing and then refused to go. He said he didn't like the place and wouldn't budge. He even made me sort him something to eat before I left. Later he said that he might have wanted to take me out for my birthday and that I should have checked with him. , I had done, I'd asked him if it was ok and told him which place I was thinking of and he'd said it was fine.

rumred Thu 07-Apr-16 06:42:46

Get some counselling smartish. You're completely understand his control. Having no friends and support is a vulnerable position to be in. He's isolated you and made you dependent by the sounds of it.

Counselling could help you decide what's reasonable and what you want. Life is short and probably a one off, you deserve to enjoy as much of it as possible. Good luck

Cannitgetitrigt Thu 07-Apr-16 06:45:51

I've never arranged anything since with anyone. We don't go out, I mean at all. We haven't been out for so much as a coffee in over two years and the last time was with the one person he allows me to have as a friend and her husband, who oh isn't keen on. The friend is much younger than me and works for oh too. She is nice but I'd never tell her about my problems as I couldn't put her in that position and thinking about being friends we have only ever been out at night with them twice though they've been to us for meals at home several times though not for some time and I can occasionally meet her for a coffee that's all.

kittybiscuits Thu 07-Apr-16 07:03:30

He is a complete cunt. Whatever you do, or don't do, is wrong because he's abusive. He has isolated you. It's a common abusive behaviour. Any friends you could reconnect with? Would your savings cover a deposit if you rent somewhere? If so, you just need a job and you are free.

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