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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Shit. I've become my exes OW

78 replies

Bollockswhathaveidone · 25/02/2016 00:07

We have been separated nearly 3 years now. We have always maintained a fairly okay relationship, for dcs sake if nothing else.

He has been seeing a woman for a few weeks.

He stays here two or three nights a week in the spare room, to take dc to school as I leave for work at 6am.

This last week things have become strange between us. I've had no feelings for him for a long time and have definitely felt no kind of chemistry, but I've been ill this week and he's been very affectionate and caring (very out of character). We ended up in bed together.

Tonight is one of the nights he stays. We had a very intimate (for want of a better word) talk this evening and he very earnestly told me he'd never stopped loving me and the reason things had become strained between us and eventually led to our split was because we had unreasonable expectations of each other. (He was working very long hours and I was looking after a small baby alone... we never seemed to communicate effectively and this led to disagreements) He has never been the kind of man to express his feelings like this. He then went on to say how the dynamic of our relationship has now changed and who knew what the future held. Once again I got caught up in it all and we had sex.

Afterwards he asked if we could "cuddle", which again is very unlike him, but then says I never do this with new woman. He also said how he'd never cheated on anyone before and didn't expect to feel like this but didn't elaborate further.

My head is a total mess. Essentially I am now the other woman but i am a total shit and feel no kind of guilt or remorse about doing it. I think I'm still in love with him. The situation is so fucked up. I can't not have him stay because I've got no one to have dd, but I know that each time he's here I'm going to want him and it will keep happening. I'd never ask him to finish with NW but I can't keep messing around with someone else's bloke!

I don't really know what I hope to achieve from this thread. Feel free to call me every name under the sun because I'm disgusting and I deserve it. Maybe I just need to see people telling me that

OP posts:

Report

FrancisdeSales · 25/02/2016 00:10

Were you/are you married?

PerspicaciaTick · 25/02/2016 00:11

You can explore where all this might lead once he is single.
And I'd be wary of any big decisions being made off the back of feeling vulnerable/ill.

Bollockswhathaveidone · 25/02/2016 00:13

Never married no

OP posts:

annandale · 25/02/2016 00:21

I would ask him to stop seeing other women, sure, but I don't think anyone is doing anything dramatically terrible.

MajesticWhine · 25/02/2016 00:21

Don't feel bad about it. Theirs is a very new relationship and she doesn't own him.

You need to have a think about whether these feelings are about you being vulnerable or lonely and you both fancying a shag, or whether there is some real prospect of a relationship now. And if the latter what's changed now that you were not able to work out before?

Bollockswhathaveidone · 25/02/2016 00:27

He has been really different over the last few months. He works far less hours for a start and is mostly more of a parent to dd, which was one of our biggest issues I think. He would be working 15 hour days every day and I would just bitch at him about being a shit parent because he was never there for dc. I know now he was trying to do his best to keep a roof overy our heads and pay the bills so that I could be at home as much as possible to raise her. We have both very much changed to be honest.

I really thought I was over him, but he's well and truly under my skin and I do still love him even though he's been a complete bastard at times.

He was the one who ended things between us

OP posts:

scallopsrgreat · 25/02/2016 00:42

Yet you've managed to keep a roof over your DDs head (presumably) without working out of the house 15 hrs a day.

Be careful.

bessiebumptious2 · 25/02/2016 00:49

Yes, be careful. But you've both had a chance to see things from a different perspective and sometimes, people do change and realise that there's a compromise to be found in most situations.

A big HOWEVER though - he's effectively cheating on NW which isn't very nice. I'd say nothing to him but see how he handles that from hereonin, because that's important. If he ends it, pronto, regardless of the state of his relationship with you then I think it's worth another go with him perhaps. If he strings her along whilst testing the water with you then that's immature and shitty and I wouldn't give him the pleasure (so to speak!).

Joysmum · 25/02/2016 00:57

He's cheated on her twice and has said nothing about his guilt or said he'll end it with her.

He may not be the man he was but he's now turned into an remorseless cheater. Still not the type of man you'd want to be committed to.

VimFuego101 · 25/02/2016 01:21

If he means what he says, then he'll finish things with the woman he's seeing, immediately. I'd sit back and see whether he follows through with that. It does sound like he's changed.

MattDillonsPants · 25/02/2016 01:34

I agree with VIM. He will either get shut of her and tell you so or he will keep going between both of you. It's up to you to decide what you will do in either scenario.

MsMims · 25/02/2016 01:58

Wow, what a shit he is.

If he really feels that way about you and it wasn't just a tactic to get you into bed, then why has he strung his girlfriend along and now cheated on her?

If that is how low his moral bar is then please don't be naive enough to think he would be faithful to you either.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/02/2016 02:05

Huh.
He might be right.
But he's treating his new GF extremely badly.

If he's serious about getting back together with you, and this is what you want (after careful consideration), then he needs to end it with the GF NOW. Not wait and see, not in a few days/ weeks when he's sure of who he wants, NOW.

If he won't do that then I wouldn't bother, tbh.

Bollockswhathaveidone · 25/02/2016 07:34

Thankyou for the responses. You've all given me a lot to think about. I expected to get completely flamed for it, but you've all been very kind and given me some perspective thankyou.

I know it's drip feeding sorry but he contributes a very very large portion of our bills so I'm not really managing to ekeep a roof over mine and dds head. I'm a bit of a failure there to be honest

OP posts:

Cat2014 · 25/02/2016 07:41

Sounds like it might be worth giving it a shot. But he'd have to finish with Nw and you should probably take it v slowly and watch out for red flags

ProfGrammaticus · 25/02/2016 07:43

Could you try counselling together?

OhShutUpThomas · 25/02/2016 07:51

Do you think he's going home and having sex with her too?

Bollockswhathaveidone · 25/02/2016 07:53

I dont know shutup, more than likely.

OP posts:

Bollockswhathaveidone · 25/02/2016 07:54

prof I don't know if he would be willing to try that. He's never really been one to talk about how he feels. I've known him a very long time and he's always been quite a guarded person

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 25/02/2016 08:06

I'm always suspicious about those guys who stay st the exs house to 'see their kids' !

Goingtobeawesome · 25/02/2016 08:09

What gets me is he lied to you to get you into bed. He didn't tell you until after you'd had sex with him that he was seeing someone else..

Lying by inadmission just in case you don't understand what I am saying.

OhShutUpThomas · 25/02/2016 08:10

I think that tells you all you need to know then Bollocks.

If it were the other way around, could you do that?

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springscoming · 25/02/2016 08:14

Has he told the NW that he's having sex with you? If he is prepared to be so dishonest with her, why would he be a good partner for you? STI checks for everyone too.

londonrach · 25/02/2016 08:16

I agree with others this is very simple...he finishes with the new relationship and takes it slowly with you if you interested. Just spending time with you nothing else at moment. (Trying to found out if its about sex.) If he refuses or doesnt finish with the new relationship he hasnt changed, is difficult about waiting for sex.....run a mile.

springscoming · 25/02/2016 08:25

Also, he has only recently found a new partner. Are you sure this is not a case of you not wanting him until someone else had him. Or if he pays a v large part of the bills, can you see your lifestyle under threat now that he has a new partner

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