Oh gosh where do I start.. I think it stems from losing my nan to cancer in 2008, I was her carer for the full 3 years she was poorly, I was 15 when she fell ill. It's was the longest most painful 3 years of my life. I can still remember every single detail like it was yesterday.. It's like a poison I can't flush out and my god do I miss her incredibly. Prior to that I alway had behavioural issues as a young teen and severe anger problems after losing my nan I became an alcoholic and was very unwell.. I met a man and fell madly in love with him, he was the best thing that ever happened to me at the time..
A year after recovery (T total for 8 years now).. I met a man and had my first beautiful child, little boy who's almost 6 now.. But when my son was 2.5 years old I discovered my son had been abused on weekend contact with his biological father and fathers partner. It was a long painful process after I contacted the authorities and I had a nervous breakdown. That kills me every day and I have nightmares about it even now.
Iv had therapy, a million meds and bed rest. I have periods where I'm settled and other periods when I'm very very ill. I can't currently have meds as I'm breast feeding my now 2 month old baby. I have two children with my now husband. My 3 kids are my world and the best joy I feel. Iv always stopped medication when Iv fallen pregnant and to breast feed.
My husband is a good man although tends to create obstacles for me. He's become quite selfish recently and makes me feel like rubbish at times but I'm sure I'm not perfect either. We do have problems. 1 main one is his sexual needs. Don't get me wrong the first year of our relationship was wonderful and we were both equally sexually compatible. We had the same needs and desire for one another. That's since changed for me. I love him very much but I cannot bear the thought of him touching me or even sometimes sitting next to me if he's to close. Although I do have problems coping with loud sounds, movement and most surroundings, like work, the supermarket or even walking down the street, I can't bare someone to close to me or brushing past me, I panic and claw at the part of my body that's touched.
I struggle with it so bad that i claw my skin to bits until I bleed. My husband knows this and tries to be supportive and tries to understand how I feel. But he doesn't understand why I can't have him touch me or why I don't want to be intimate with him. I don't even understand why, he's my husband, why do I feel the same cringy feeling at the idea of him touching me or a perfect stranger accidentally brushing past me in the supermarket. Iv often vomited at the feeling.. I think it's anxiety. I literally wish I could live in a bubble so I can be in touched all the time.
With my children it's different you know.. They are my babies, my life, my air.. Occasionally when they are to much and I'm my face and jumping on me do I have to just step away for a breath (unnoticed) I don't let them see my struggles. I'm very good with fronts. We often play and jump about together it's only at times I feel a bit claustrophobic. But that's normal for me, I hate small spaces or to many people around me where I can't see a gap of space to get out of.
Anyway sorry to ramble.. I'm struggling when he tries it on and I reject him how moody he gets and arrogant. I know rejection from the one you love must be hard. He's almost desperate for sex and doesn't really stop pestering me for long, if I say no he respects it's a no of course but winges and gets on a mood with me. Occasionally he will send me a "naughty" message or makes suggestive comments and I just want to dissolve them and run away. I tried explaining this to him once but he was mortified and felt like he had come across as pushy or Pervy type thing and he felt disgusted with himself and couldn't speak to me for a while. I suppose I made him feel awful but it was difficult to explain my true feelings without some truthful statements. I'm not good at explaining, I get nervous and babble on much like I am now. I don't feel perved on or uncomfortable with him, I love him, I just feel uncomfortable with sex or any form of sexual contact. I could cuddle him til my hearts content and talk all hours of the night. That's enough for me but not him.. What am I going to do.. My mental health will ever heal and I'm afraid that my marriage may break too.. xx