Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
in the midst of affair(90 Posts)
Please don't flame me, firstly I know I'm a terrible person for cheating but have few rlf to talk to and feeling so depressed.
I started an affair around Xmas. We were actual in contact for quite abit before then. I would defiantly describe it as being chased. He was very aware I was married and is in the middle of a divorce himself where he was the injured party and at first said he would never be with anyone married because of this.. But then would message me everyday and be conflicting to that in what he was saying. Eventually he admited he did like me and I him and we took things further. I wasn't sure what would come out of it and in the beginning I was defo the one being chased he messaged me everyday telling me I was perfect, that he couldn't stop thinking of me etc kept asking would I want to fight it etc in short he acted like he had really fallen for me.
Then we got caught out on a lie where we'd arranged to meet by my hubbie we we realised how risky we were being and and decided to try and call it off for the sake of my marriage. Until this point there had been no talk of it it was literally just the almost getting caught then we need to stop.
I found this incredibly difficult and missed him incredibly I hoped he would contact me but he remained true to his word and didn't although I text him a few times. 2 weeks after we had split I saw him online really late and was convinced he'd found someone else I watched all night until I couldn't take anymore and asked him to tell me if he had just so I could draw a line under it and block his number but he said not, we talked for hours and met up the next day and dtd. I figured things would go back to how they were before but it's been totally different, the next day he blew me off when he had a chance to see me which we don't normally get to watch tele! And he never texts me unless I text him and doesn't really put any effort into it or just stops when I'm in the middle of a conversation. When I see him we get on really well although obviously have to act like friends majority but via text which was where he used to be lovely to me he now speaks to me like shit or makes fun of me. It's a total turnaround to how it was before. Im paranoid jeleous, I've really fallen for him but this last week I feel like shit about myself like I'm risking everything for someone who sees me as a shag when he is bored I know I'm in the wrong here being married I know this but I'm so confused I've really fallen for him now but feel I'm becomming embarrassing for the time I'm texting him and being needy etc when it's no longer reciprocated in the same way. He didn't seen the type to use me and I've known him along time (years) and know he's lovely before this happened so why the change? I don't know what to do for the best, I know I need to stop messaging him but whenever I see him (daily) I seem to get drawn back in
Your poor H.
End this marriage so he can find someone who loves and respects him.
He 'see's you as a shag when he is bored'
Yep just about sums it up.
What did your 'hubby' say when you were caught out on the 'lie'?
Surely he suspects anyway?
so to sum up:
you were vulnerable, he said all the right things, he was the injured party in his divorce (how original?) and now you're wrapped around his little finger?
got you right where he wants you hasn't he?
Sorry OP, sounds like you've been manipulated and used and you should have put those energies into fixing what ever is wrong in your marriage or leaving your poor OH before hand.
Thanks you yes still with dh although we have talked about splitting up. I'm well aware I am a shit I love my husband very much but we havnt had sex in along time and are more like family/friends. I did try to do the right thing. I didn't go looking for anything to happen although I'm aware this is no excuse.
He was the injured party in his marriage ending. I know them both and it was very public what happened his wife left for someone else.
Love the way most of these threads almost always start "please don't flame me" and/or "I know I'm a terrible person but..."
What do you expect us to say? "Ah, don't worry yourself, have a cup of tea, it'll all be fine" a la Mrs Doyle?
Most of these threads tend to want some sort of sympathy or validation as they often don't want advice at all. However, since, OP, you asked what to do for the best:
Leave your husband. You don't love him or give a damn about him, only yourself.
I love my husband very much but we havnt had sex in along time
you dont love him and lack of sex is a reason to leave someone, not have an affair.
"I didn't go looking for anything to happen"
YES, actually, you DID. You encouraged the other man's intentions. Typical script here of a cheater. He didn't force you. You knew what you were doing and chose to do it. You DIDN'T try to do the right thing, as that would have been to leave your husband in the first place if you were so unhappy or to try and work properly on your marriage.
If your marriage is dead, it is dead. Just admit it and move on. You haven't had sex in ages but you still love your husband. Sorry, bullshit. If you love someone you do don't fuck another man.
Grow some decency and self respect and split up.
OP, you are obviously not happy with your DH as you wouldn't have slept with other guy in the first place.
Remind yourself what an absolute player, and an utter shit the other man is. He pursued you and said what you wanted to hear, until he got his leg over. Then he made fun of you and went cold. What's to love about that? You've had your fingers burnt.
I'm afraid that there are lots of predatory men out there, that prey on women that they know are unhappy in their marriages. They are seen as easy meat. Any man that sleeps with you, when he knows you are married is NOT a keeper. He's a PLAYER. Remember that.
You need to figure out, why you and your DH are no longer intimate. Whilst not condoning the affair, I do think that it happened partly because you were starved of affection at home. Can you get that part of your relationship back on track?
Don't confess to your DH what you've done. It won't help. If I was you, I would learn a huge lesson from this, that there are some shitty men out there, and all along you've had a good one under your nose. Throw yourself in to re-kindling the romance and re-energising your marriage.
It may not work, but give it 6 months/a year. If things are still flat, then walk away before you start anything with any other man.
I suspect while he found you attractive there's also part of him, particularly because he was the injured party in his marriage, that actually finds you cheating distasteful even though it's with him.
As a result he is now just using you for sex.
There are no mixed messages here it seems pretty clear.
Forget this man, delete his contact details.
Then either get counselling for your marriage and put all of your effort into making it work or leave and let your DH be free.
You are not putting your effort into your marriage if you have the time, energy and emotional capacity to have an affair.
Just think...you are prioritising a man that treats you like shit for the sake of a fuck over a man that you love, who is the father of your children, who treats you with respect just because you're not currently having sex. I think that's crazy!
Remember this: "The grass is greener where you water it"
Couldn't agree more with previous posters here. "I am aware I am a shit" - no........I could think of a million other things to describe what you're doing/have done.
Get a grip, do the decent thing and let your DH move on with someone who will actually love and respect him.
You're a terrible person blah blah blah.
You had a choice, you chose to cheat. No one made you. You don't love your husband.
You're cheating with someone who just sees you as a shag. Was it worth it?
Please leave your dh so he can find someone who actually does love him and isn't playing him for a fool.
"I text him a few times. 2 weeks after we had split I saw him online really late and was convinced he'd found someone else I watched all night until I couldn't take anymore"
Do not kid yourself that you were not chasing him as much as you say he was chasing you.
You were 100% able to make the choices that brought you to this.
You now have to choose what you do next. No one else. You.
Blonde I've had a breakdown. I have been through severe depression when my relationship was not in a good place. My partner and I hadn't had sex in over two years. I certainly wasn't thinking straight quite a lot of the time. I didn't go and shag another woman, however.
He may have been the 'injured party' OP but a tiny scratch below the surface may show that he was as much as a knob to his ex W as he is being with you and she decided to call it a day. Things are rarely black and white.
This is like watching a car crash in slow motion.
If you love your DH and want to save your marriage then I suggest you go for counselling. Understand why you are OK breaking your wedding vows and pissing all over your poor DH.
Then get some joint counselling and find out why you aren't having sex any more. If it's something you need then you have to get it back.
If you now realise that you want to split with your DH then tell him the truth and move out and let him find someone who will love, cherish and remain faithful to him.
sex in along time and are more like family/friends.
Oh that old chestnut
Some women can be extremely unhappy and vulnerable, having a breakdown even, and some men can smell that a mile off
Some women chose to have affairs and then put the blame on everyone but themselves for their choice.
Thanks, all valid points and yes I'm the guilty party I take full responsibility in my part. Thankyou blonde, I am in a very bad place I've had very low self asteam and an eating disorder for along time. Also stumblymonkey yes I think your right, there must be part of him that dispises me for being like his ex that's a really good point. I do need to walk away. Thankyou for all comments even the harsh ones although hard to read are true, my husband does deserve better then me
Regardless of the Other man you need to leave DH as clearly you are not happy! He shouldnt have to wait until you decide to leave to be with this man, or stay and continue this 'affair'.
And yes you will get flamed as no-one is going to say what you are doing is ok!
This man is stringing you along, but you are dancing to his tune and chasing him just as much, so dont kid yourself its all one-sided! How would you feel if you knew DH was desperately waiting for some OW to message him, meet him for a shag, watching her online movements, then coming home to you every night?? Im sure you'd be devastated, and lack of sex is no excuse. Talk it out, see a counsellor or leave. You cant have one on the side for sex and a hubby at home you 'love'. Put yourself in his shoes and stop this.
You can then carry on your little infatuations and allow you DH to rebuild his life away from you with someone who isnt a cheat.
im sorry if that sounds harsh.
These threads are so fucking tedious.
Boo hoo it was all out of my control, don't flame me, blah, blah, blah.
You love the drama, you have nobody to talk to irl to fan the flames and now this bloke's gone cold on you you're posting on here to give it a bit more oxygen.
He doesn't want you. You're probably one of several women he's shagging - and why not? He's single after all.
There's nothing stopping him being with you if he wanted to, but he doesn't, despite the fact you've offered yourself up on a plate. Given that his wife cheated on him, he probably deep down finds your behaviour actually quite disgusting and has begun to realise this.
How embarassing for you.
Oh get a grip and stop being so pathetic. Hes not interested in you are chasing him when you mean nothing to him. I think you should end it and then do the decent thing and tell your husband because you clearly aren't happy in the marriage and he deserves alot better than you.
Join the discussion
Please login first.