Social Services Referral

[RaaRaaTheNoisyLittleLion]

Would you forgive your mum if she reported you to social services for neglecting your child?

My mum reported me for no reason other than her own issues masquerading as concern for DD. Given her professional position and an underlying condition I have her concerns were taken very seriously but thankfully nothing came of it. I'm still so angry I can't deal with her at all and have gone no contact. Now the rest of my family are angry at me for upsetting her and want me to apologise. I feel like I've entered the twilight zone.

[TPel]

I'm not sure what you should be apologising for. I think you have done the right thing. She potentially could have ripped your family apart.

[RaaRaaTheNoisyLittleLion]

She genuinely believes that there is an issue with my parenting. So they think I'm punishing her for doing the right thing, even though she is wrong.

[OurBlanche]

No, I don't think I could easily forgive my mum if she did that without any cause whatsoever.

So those family members know what she did? If you haven't told them, they only have her tale to go by, take a deep breath and speak out.

You have no reason to keep quiet, except that very British reticence. And you might find they change their tune. You don't really have much to lose at this point. Be blunt, be loud and tell them that you cannot keep quiet as your mum's selfish actions could have led to you DD being taken into care!

You are allowed to be angry, very angry, don't let anyone tell you you are not!

Best of luck sorting this out xx

[flanjabelle]

If I looked long and hard at my parenting and decided that there really was nothing to worry about, this would be enough for me to go nc with my mum. The thought that through her malicious actions you could have lost your children is just too much. I would never be able to forgive that, ever.

[OurBlanche]

Cross post...

Don't forget to add that SS agree with your parenting and that your mum was wrong, so you will not be apologising. Will they ask her to apologise to you?

Pop the ball firmly back in their/her court.

[NameChange30]

You were right to go NC with your mum. I don't know what to advise about how to deal with the rest of the family, but you might find some answers on the Stately Homes thread and/or in the book "Toxic Parents".

[RaaRaaTheNoisyLittleLion]

Yes they know. She's been very open about it. She even said to me on many occasions that she'd have to do if I didn't starting acting on her advice. I put her in this position by not listening to her.

[flanjabelle]

Could you explain a bit more about what you disagree on with regards to parenting your children?

[NameChange30]

What was her "issue" with your parenting and her advice?

[OurBlanche]

Even more reason to start ensuring that your family are made fully aware that she was wrong, SS have said as much and that she needs to apologise to you!

You can't live with the fear that you will 'force' her to do it again!

[RaaRaaTheNoisyLittleLion]

Her issue is that I feed DD nothing but junk food. She's tried talking to me about it, but I won't listen. She's tried intervening directly, but I get really angry. I'm very rigid in my thinking because I have AS and she doesn't know how else to get through to me.

Which sounds reasonable but very worrying right?

But what it doesn't include is that her definition of junk food is anything she won't eat. She has massive issues with food but she can't see it. I've spent my entire adult life trying to reprogramme the chaotic eating I grew up seeing as normal. I don't want DD to have a childhood of obesity and bullying like I did and I don't want her to develop diabetes like my mum, dad and both sisters.

So to my mum 'junk food' includes rice, pasta, yogurt, sweetcorn, broccoli, any fish other than battered cod, any bean other than heinz baked, plain water, cottage cheese, any cheese other than cheddar, anything 'foreign' eg curry or stirfrys. It would be easier to list what is acceptable to her.

The 'direct intervention' she talks about is her trying to sneak food to DD which mum thinks she should be having. The first incident being her trying to give her chocolate buttons to suck on when she was 8 weeks old. I hit the roof. She responds to these attempts with 'you all had it and it never did you any harm'. I was 22 stone when I left home and had a filling in every tooth before I started secondary school. I want better for my little angel.

[RaaRaaTheNoisyLittleLion]

I'm getting the rage again writing all that down.

[Offred]

If your other family members don't get it then I think you need to cut them off too TBH.

I feel so sad for you.

I will never forgive my parents for things they did to me as a child. I do have a relationship with both of them now but it is superficial and based on my knowledge that they are in many ways toxic.

If my mother did what yours did I would not speak to her again. I would see her as a risk to my child. ATM one of the main reasons I maintain LC is because of my children, if they did not exist I would never have got back into or maintained LC with them.

[Vanessamessa]

Your mum sounds totally barmy, I'd go NC in your shoes and if it was possible also increase geographical distance. You need to focus on your DD and her well being, never mind any adult (even if family) who can't understand the seriousness of what your mum just put you through. Good luck and sorry your mum has been so horrible to you.

[pointythings]

Nope, not forgivable. Even more unforgivable in the light of your post explaining the issue in more detail. You may need to go NC with your entire family if they agree with your mother, they are obviously as barking as she is.

[ricketytickety]

Yes, no contact really is all you can do. Are the rest really agreeing or are they scared/feel guilty about disagreeing with her? Could be they don't think she's right either but fear stops them saying so. Are they actively having a go or just when you try to raise it with them (other than your mum, who you will just have to not talk to for now)

[NameChange30]

Crikey. Well that confirms it, NC is the way to go! No wonder you're livid.

[RaaRaaTheNoisyLittleLion]

I don't understand the family dynamics at all. It's like they're all playing a game but nobody will tell me the rules. I can't see them being scared of her. My dad and siblings are, I think, really aggressive people. My mum is very quiet and gentle and comes across as quite vulnerable but she is like steel. She won't bend at all but she does it in a very passive way that makes anyone who disagrees look bad. Look at her concerns for DD, it comes across as the height of reasonableness but hides the truth.

[Offred]

TBF before they went running in SS should have asked her what she meant by 'junk food'...

[NameChange30]

Honestly, look at the Stately Homes thread and Toxic Parents book. I'm sure it will start to make sense and you'll start to feel less crazy. You could also look up personality disorders in case that would explain your mum's behaviour. But in a way the cause is irrelevant - it's how you deal with it, and the boundaries you put in place.

[Offred]

I can't quite believe they would go so far as investigating that without asking actually.

Especially because I've known SS departments not be interested in investigating some cases where parents themselves were reporting really quite serious risks/incidents to GPs etc and asking for help.

[Shakey15000]

Crikey, how awful for you. Not least having to navigate your way through adulthood, never mind being a parent if your only example was your Mother! All the best. Go NC and free yourself of this lunacy. You're obviously doing a grand job and have found your compass.

[coffeeisnectar]

Water is junk food?? She's bat shit. Walk away!

[RaaRaaTheNoisyLittleLion]

My mum works in a very senior position where social services would know who she was. She wouldn't necessarily know them but they would know her and this would carry a certain authority. Like, for example, if she were the headteacher at the local school. Sorry I'm trying not to out myself too much. Add in me having a condition which can seriously impair parenting ability, I do understand why they took it seriously. The social worker was actually really kind and told me if there's ever anything he can do to support me, just give him a call and he'd do his best for us.