I'm writing this on my commute into work after confronting dh yesterday after 6 months of what I thought was very obvious EA. I do think he has depression as his mum has Alzheimers, and he was made redundant in October. He does have a better job to go to starting March though, plus s very good redundancy package.
So because of this I've been trying to keep things low key, not making an issue of small stiff, basically walking on egg shells. After a particularly nasty episode on Sunday though it all came out yesterday. He denies he is depressed and won't go to the doctors (says its humiliating and if only I'd support him more he wouldn't be like this. The thing is the constant criticism and then (when I argue back) the demands to admit I'm wrong, need to acknowledge my own deficiencies are really getting me down. Last week he threw something at me, and a few days later grabbed my arm really roughly as I'd turned away from him during an argument.
Yesterday I told him that he was being abusive and the constant undermining of my feelings and responses to his behaviour were unacceptable. I said if he ever touches me again he's out (and I mean that). I also said he needs to go to the gp, and that I'm not staying in a relationship where I'm being controlled.
I'd thought it would get better getting it all out but its far worse. He's now saying the following: he denies the abuse saying its subjective and that I'm misinterpreting the things he's said/done. That I'm being abusive to him because now I've said all of this he's going to be walking on eggshells talking about stuff in case its abusive. So I'm the controller.
This morning before I left for work he sad he'd rather die than split up, and that I'd spoilt everything by calling him abusive. Final comments were that I'd caused this creating the situations where he lost it and that I'm the one who needs to see a doctor....
I can't talk to anyone in real life, though friends are aware that things aren't great. I just worried now that if it is depression (and I think he does have it) I've now made it a whole lot worse. How do I disentangle EA from depression? Is he right that I've made it worse? Not sure how to cope when I get home. He's at home until March, I work full tine and we have 6 children to give a bit of context.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
How do i deal with this?
diege · 19/01/2016 08:32
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