I'm a regular on several boards but I've NC because a few RL people know my username and I'm embarrassed.
I'm 25, engaged with plans to be married in the spring, I have a very secure job which is well paid for what it is. I rent a flat, have my own car, have a much loved dog, I'm studying in my own time for the first time since I left school and I have lovely friends and supportive parents.
Great, except I'm so lonely I could weep. My DP is utterly addicted to internet porn and we haven't had anything close to proper sex since April 2014 despite several ultimatums. I'm pretty sure he watches it every day as he works early shifts and has the afternoon to himself, so by the time I get home in the evening he has removed any urge to have sex. He says it's because his anxiety and body image issues cause performance issues (which has happened in the past, so it's not a total lie) but I've told him that he's selfish for sorting himself out and leaving me with nothing. He has absolutely no incentive to go to the effort of having sex when he can just watch porn.
My flat is a total shithole, the LL has nothing to do with us and DP does nothing around the house without stern words so it's dirty on top of falling apart around my ears (broken shower, broken water heater, broken kitchen sink).
Due to a penchant for expensive travel and being terrible with money, I'm currently in around £8k of personal debt. I earn an okay salary but I'm living on around £100 a month due to high debt repayments and savings. I feel like I'll never be out of this financial hole that is entirely my own doing. My job is fine and it's secure but it's a world away from what I want to do but I can't see any way I could ever afford to leave work for university. I left school with very few qualification when I was 17 (I thought I knew better than everyone else!) and have been stuck in admin jobs ever since.
I moved away from my hometown to live with DP but I don't have any roots here. He had crippling anxiety and binge eating disorder alongside depression that he refuses to treat. I've begged him to go to the doctor to no avail. We are like roommates most of the time. We rarely go out because I'm skint, he hates social events so never comes to anything with me and there is no intimacy in our relationship. I love the bones of him but I feel like he is choosing himself over me a little more every day.
I am also about 50lbs overweight and suffer horribly with binge eating and bulimia. I feel fat, worthless and I can barely look at my reflection in the mirror.
I lie awake at night panicking about the mess my life is in and I don't know what way to turn.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
I can't stop worrying about how my life is going
ifeeltrapped · 16/11/2015 15:09
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