Social Services Referal from police from one off incident

[meganmarie2604]

Two weeks ago me and partner had a domestic, which ended up in shouting and me being pushed to the floor. The police were called as our 16 month old son was present & saw what happened. Tonight we have the social services coming round to see myself and son without my partner being present & we are really worried as to what will be said etc. This is the first time the police have ever been called, as well as the referral to the social services, & we have been told that the social services will give us an ultimatum of either separate or have our son taken off us. Can somebody please help us on this situation as we both are petrified of what will and wont be said. Does anybody know the procedure & if this being the first and only occasion, whether they will still say the above about splitting or having our son taken away. This isn't something that happens regularly and was a one off occurrence where things just got too heated. Please no remarks as we know the situation shouldnt have happened in the first place, especially in front of our son.

[gamerchick]

Thing is this incident might be a one off but it's probable that screaming rows are normal if they've escalated into violence and your child doesn't deserve that.

Just work with SS to sort it out and if that means splitting up then so be it. Neither of you are being fair to your child.

[LineyReborn]

'The police were called'. Who called them?

'We have been told...' By whom?

Are the Police taking any further action, other than alerting social services?

Sorry for all the questions, but it'd be helpful to know a bit more if you feel able to add a bit more info.

[meganmarie2604]

Thanks for your replies both.

gamerchick - we hardly ever even have bad words. If this was a recurring thing, with shouting never mind violence, I would have walked away with my son a long time ago. I called the police because 1) this was way out of character & 2) he wouldn't leave when I asked him to. My son is my main priority & is my life. If the SS say he goes then he does. But I was just asking the question as I am very scared with the situation. I have NEVER been in any situation like this before & I am genuinely petrified.

LineyReborn - It was myself who called the police as I wanted my partner to leave and he wouldn't. We were told basically by a friend, no she hasn't been in this situation before so it is just hear say to us, but obviously this startled us. The police aren't taking things further & no charges have been pressed etc.

Is this routine for the SS? Does anybody know the procedure and what happens?

I appreciate your help with this. xx

[YetAnotherHelenMumsnet]

Hi there OP,
Would you like us to move this somewhere more suitable? You've posted in Bloggers, perhaps we should move it to Relationships? We will await your instructions, just report your own post (click on the wee link at the top) and we can sort that for you.

[gamerchick]

It is routine try not to be too worried (impossible I know) they have to investigate and are good with offering help if you need it, it's not all about taking your kids from you.

Just be honest with them, they might be able to help if needed.

[hairylittlegoblin]

In our area this is standard practice. If your DS is in a home where there is domestic violence (and if your DH knocked you over then he is) he will be considered a child in need of SS support.

Be honest with SS and be honest with yourself about the state of your relationship. They aren't going to turn up on your doorstep with a childcatcher van and take your DS so don't worry about that. But do think very carefully about what they say to you. Every couple has arguments butif the police have been called then that isn't a normal argument.

[meganmarie2604]

Thank you all for your help and support on this. I totally understand that having the police called obviously makes it clear that the situation was bad, and I aren't shying away from that fact. I intend to be 100% honest with SS when they arrive & I will explain that this is the first time that I have ever felt the need to contact the police. Nothing like this has ever happened before & my partner cried for days over what happened & when he heard the SS were involved, he crumbled. I do believe that this was a one off occurrence & if I thought otherwise he wouldn't still be in the same house. I'll just keep my fingers crossed that the social services can see that my son is looked after well & loved unconditionally. He has a beautiful home and is spoilt rotten lol as probably most of our children are. We aren't bad people and I hope they can see that when they come and visit us.

[LineyReborn]

Hi again, OP. I can see that this has been a massive shock and if you explain things to social services they'll want to help. I really do think that in the circumstances this will be a routine visit.

The social worker though is likely to ask what precipitated the row, and you might help yourself and your relationship by thinking this through. Most importantly, why couldn't your partner keep his temper? To lose one's temper so badly - to push your partner to the floor in front of a child - is serious stuff. What is your partner planning to do to address this? That's what the social worker could well be interested in. You should be, too.

Don't forget you can have this moved to Relationships if you like, or another board.

[meganmarie2604]

Hi Lineyreborn,

The reason my partner got the way he did was because he had a drink. More than usual. He was insistent on going back out after returning home from a friends, but we had plans the next day which were clearly going to be ruined if he did go back out. I basically asked him to stay in and get his priorities in order before he decided to walk back out the door which flipped his switch. He doesn't drink often, if at all, so him having so much whilst at a friends effected him badly and made him do the things he did. I am far from making excuses for him or standing up for him here but since then he has stopped drinking completely to ensure this doesn't happen again. I have also stated to him that no alcoholic drink is allowed in the house at any point now or in the future & that if I get any whiff of alcohol in anyway he is gone for good. It sounds harsh but I cannot risk this happening again. I do believe he is dedicated to stopping drinking as he knows how close he was to losing me & his son, as this behaviour I will not tolerate. It is only down to the fact I could genuinely see how sorry & heartbroken he was over the matter that I have given him that ONE chance, and I don't think he will ruin that chance.

[summerwinterton]

You cannot be certain he won't do it again and if you are petrified then you cannot live like this, let alone your DS. Don't blame drink, he is to blame for his own behaviour. And you cannot micromanage his life to ensure he doesn't do it again.

[YetAnotherHelenMumsnet]

Thanks for getting back to us, we've moved it now.

[LineyReborn]

meganmarie I do believe that everyone deserves a chance to show that they are sorry and that they have learned a lesson, assuming that what they did wasn't horrendous and ingrained. Personally I couldn't be with a man who laid hands on me in drink, because I think that means that it's in him, deep down, to do that. And I'd hate the worry of wondering if he's going to have a drink every time there's drink likely to be available, at parties, restaurants, weddings, out with friends... etc etc.

I've got a friend in this situation. Her partner's brother is always suggesting a drink and she's always having to police it.

But that's me, not you. What I think doesn't matter, it's what you think that matters. You sound very switched on.

But if you're going to do this, please promise yourself it's one chance only.

[meganmarie2604]

You are right, I totally agree with you summerwinterton, I cant be certain it wont happen again, but I do believe everybody deserves a second chance. Putting things in to place to avoid this ever happening again, I feel, is a step in the right direction. I am far from petrified of him, this was a one off occurrence. The thing I am petrified of is the SS coming and taking my little boy. HE is my main concern. If my partner cannot stay in the house because the SS say so then that's that, I do hope this isn't the case as my son absolutely idolises his Dad, as does my partner to his son. He is both our world and having a broken family is not what we want to happen because of an incident that happened that will not happen again. If it WAS to happen again, which I very highly doubt, he would be out the door in a flash. As I have said previously, I will not tolerate this behaviour in anyway.

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

I don't like the way you are minimising this. Neither will ss. They will want to ensure you are doing everything to safeguard him not just from physical harm but the emotional effects of witnessing such an incident. Saying it was a one off it won't happen is not going to convince them of this. It takes one shove one punch one just one physical incident to kill you if you aren't careful. Think about what you both are doing to prevent this happening again. Is your dp going to give up alcohol if this out of character attack was purely due to it? Have you looked into contact details of women's aid or stonham to get advice? This will be what ss will be wanting to see

[meganmarie2604]

Bold: LineyReborn I am hoping that now we have a strict agreement in place with regards to drinking, there will nothing for me to police. As I am like you, that isn't a way of living having to keep an eye on what he does and doesn't drink, so having nothing at all and cutting the bad out all together seems the best solution. I can say I am a very fair person, but with a situation like this, one chance is all he gets and he knows this, and for the sake of my son and myself, one chance is all he will ever get. Can I just say I really appreciate your replies today, you have eased my mind a lot as well as helped me and how I was feeling so thank you. It really is appreciated xx

[meganmarie2604]

I am far from minimising anything. This is something which I have never experienced before in my life, I never in my worst dreams thought that SS would EVER be involved in our family life. This has utterly hurt me and got me down. I came on here to ask advice and I have got it through all of your posts, and I thank you all for your honesty, but I am not minimising anything or trying to blame certain aspects of the situation. I know that it was HIS actions regardless of alcohol. My son should never have to witness anything like he did and it breaks my heart that he did. We have sat down and talked about the situation & stopping alcohol altogether is a good start at preventing this happening again.

[tornandhurt]

I don't get it.......you argued because he wanted to go back out having already got drunk, which you didn't want him to do because of plans the following day, but when the argument escalated and you asked him to leave the house he refused? - you'd think he'd of seen that as a pass to do what he wanted in the first place.

[BertieBotts]

OP, it sounds great that you're so committed to following this through. The ban on alcohol is a good move and it's positive that your partner is agreeable to this.

I think it's worth being prepared for what SS are likely to be interested in and looking for. It's totally not the case that they are going to come and make threats and remove your child. You've already said that if it came to a choice, you'd choose your DS over your partner, which is as it should be. As you say, hopefully it won't come to that.

You are very adamant that this incident was due to alcohol and alcohol alone. I think that you (both) do need to accept that some of the responsibility lies with your DP. Alcohol can lower inhibitions and increase aggression but it doesn't make anybody do anything. It is definitely a good idea for your DP to avoid alcohol if he only behaves like this when drunk, but it would also be worth looking at this more directly as well. You don't have to share here what the argument was over, but it might be worth thinking about whether the topic itself is problematic. You do have to be able to discuss difficult topics in a relationship without things getting heated. You mentioned before that you hardly ever argue. Is this because you avoid issues until they become something big, or you haven't come up against anything you both feel strongly opposite about before?

How are you coping, after being thrown to the floor? That would be a frightening experience for most people. I hope you are okay.

[Potatoface2]

i think its the law now that every domestic violence call where a child under 16 is present SS have to be made aware....i think its the same when a parent is suicidal ( i was severly depressed and took an OD) SS checked up on my daughter and said it was just for support...you hear bad stories about SS but they can be very supportive...hope things go okay for you....plus this just might be the wake up call your partner needs!

[VivaHate]

The SS are mainly interested in whether you are taking appropriate steps to safeguard your son. Are you doing this? If so, how? If not, why? This is not me asking you to respond here, this is the sort of thing they will want to ask and that you should be prepared to answer (and answer honestly).

I know you say it was a one off and he won't do it again...but if someone had said to you prior to the incident that your DP was going to push you to the floor, would you have believed them...?

I hope it goes well tonight.

[Dismalfuckers]

It's procedure for any domestic incident, even it's not in the house, to be referred to social services/children's reporter (in Scotland) or similar if there are children in the family.

Most just result in contact with the family and the offer of help if necessary. Obviously this depends on the severity of the incident, but don't stress too much about it yet.

[Quornmakesmefart]

OP I hope it all goes well tonight. As others have said, it is routine for SS to be called in cases of DV where children are present.

What is important is that you don't try to minimise this. The fact that it's the first time is kind of irrelevant. The fact is your P has shown now that he is capable of DV , and that could and probably will have a huge effect on your relationship in the future. The fact that alcohol was involved is also no excuse or 'redeeming' factor. If somebody is sober enough to be conscious, they are sober enough to refrain from assaulting somebody.

Just co-operate with SS and listen to them. The fact is you shouldn't want to brush what happened under the carpet. Your P needs to realist the magnitude of what he did and you both need to make sure it never happens again - and I will very swiftly say the only way you can be sure is to end the relationship. But that's your call

[meganmarie2604]

I cant honestly thank you all enough for your support and help on this!!! This morning when I first posted this thread, I can honestly say I was a wreck and was scared out of my wits. But thanks to the opinion and help of you guys, I feel a lot more educated on this. Thank you all again!!!! Your help is appreciated greatly & has put my mind to rest at least a little bit. Fingers crossed for me tonight everybody. xxxx

[Quornmakesmefart]

Sorry meant 'realise'...

[5608Carrie]

Meganmarie be very careful to stick to the exact facts when you speak to Social Services. In the unfortunate event that your relationship detoriates and you need either to give evidence in court or apply for a non molestation order what you say now could be used in evidence possibly against you.

Keep safe