Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
"Just accept the offer!"(75 Posts)
I've posted on and off for a while now. In brief, DH had an affair last year which we tried to work through. I have zero contact with his family (web of lies he's told due to his own cheating etc which they fell for). They are/were very involved in our lives to my annoyance. January comes and out of the blue I'm issued with divorce papers that DH denies all knowledge of (yes that's right - apparently solicitors just do it off their own back!). This has gone on all year, back and forth, him telling me one thing and doing/telling his parents another.
He then broke down and said he was being made choose - a life with me or a relationship with his parents - pathetic - and you guys gave me some great advice on that.
It transpired that correspondence from his solicitor was being emailed to his parents email account and that on occasions they took it upon themselves to respond directly - this is currently being looked at as a complaint as whilst I'm under no illusion everything is discussed with them anyway, I haven't given permission for my personal details to be sent to them.
Things in general have been "plodding along." - a couple of revised divorce petitions because of errors and I took the bull by the horns and told him the house needed to go on the market. Day to day we still live under one roof - I'm still the idiot that does everything for him and we still do things as a couple - partly to make my life easier while I still have to live there and partly if I'm honest because I still love him.
However, he's making the entire process so difficult. Because he doesn't want to deal with it and because he states he doesn't want this to happen (again I'm under no illusion he's telling his parents something else).
Today we've had a 4th offer on the house - and although its a little under the asking price, its far more than we ever anticipated - so why won't he accept the offer??!!
I can't force him to because although I have an HR1 in place, the house and mortgage were taken out in his name only.
I'm so frustrated because I just want to move on with my life and "fix" myself!
Goodness OP, what an awful situation . Removing his parents
fuckwits from the picture for now, do you actually want to divorce? It appears to me he is conflicted and isn't sure. Is there a possibility of saving the marriage?
In terms of the offer on the house, what is the situation? I understand the house and mortgage are in his name, but are there children and have you made any attempt to come to an arrangement on how to split the assets? Is there a possibility of attending mediation to try and bring this to a conclusion?
If his parents would think it's a good offer, they might force him into accepting.
It does sound as if divorce is the way forward unfortunately, it doesn't sound as if you could ever trust him again because of the lies.
I've always been honest and said I didn't want to throw it all away (nuts I know considering). I wanted to make an effort to sort things out and get some form of counselling so if nothing else we could when asked be honest with the children and say "we tried everything, it didn't work, but we dealt with it like grown ups."
Trouble is he cries and tells me divorce and separation isn't what he wants, then the next time he sees his parents its all change as a few days later I receive another letter from his solicitor. He's been particularly good over the past few weeks as they're away!
As for financial settlement, I've proposed 60/40 (on guidance from my solicitor) and I've attended mediation. He's put his session off for weeks, but is apparently due to attend tomorrow (we'll see!). After that I think we'll be invited for joint sessions, although the mediator I saw suggested I was being more than reasonable so I'm not sure what it will achieve.
OP, I will come back to this. Can advise a little on the financial side of things.
So basically his parents are divorcing the two of you against his wishes.
Of all the spineless bollocks I've heard on this forum this deserves a special prize.
You've got to stop doing everything for him and behaving as a couple - it's madness.
You've got to stop doing everything for him and behaving as a couple - it's madness.
This. Very much this.
Apart from anything he needs to realise what life will be like as a divorcee. And you need to move on. Use the time for yourself.
For the love of god stop doing anything for this man. I remember your intial post about this and as I recall the consensus was that he's deferring to his parents, letting them take the blame, so that he doesn't have to deal with you or be the bad guy. He's choosing to treat you appallingly and you need to stop allowing it, really you do.
How do you think mediation is going to go if he knows he and his parents can walk all over you? You're going to get screwed financially if you don't start standing up for yourself.
I know this all sounds harsh, and I really feel for you and what you're having to endure, but you need to accept that your marriage is over and stop allowing him to pull all the strings.
Tell him to go to his parents until the house is sold, or at the very least shove him in a spare room/sofa and stop cooking, cleaning and washing for him. He's a massive cunt my love and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll find your anger.
Is this really still going on ?
Madness. Nothing more to say, really.
You will get all the same replies you have had on your previous thread(s)
Do you think this is a good environment for your children
He would have signed the papers he served on you fgs. How can he deny all knowledge?
I really do appreciate that I need to grow a pair myself and stop doing everything for him. Instead I chose to spend my time trying to just carry on partly in an attempt to salvage things and partly to protect dc's.
DC's at present are unaware there's anything wrong. Rightly or wrongly I haven't planned to tell them we're moving until its almost complete as I dont want them worrying about things for potentially months on end while it goes through.
As for going to his parents - point blank refuses I have tried that and as for the papers this unfortunately it him all over.......deny all knowledge, lie through his teeth and put it of for another day!
Anyfucker - I'm sorry you feel perhaps I've wasted time here. With a lack of RL support I turned here having posted previously. I'm quite happy for people to express their opinions and I know I'm a total mug, I suppose I just needed to try and make sense of why he wont take the offer and sell up so I can move on.
But if you're carrying on as normal, you're not giving any serious indication that you want him to accept the offer.
I'm very confused by this. You want to split, but you're not behaving like you want to split.
Torn please tell me you're not still having sex with him.
As for protecting the children, they're going to find out soon enough so you can start putting in the groundwork now. Give them time to come to terms with what is going to happen before it does. I think you're in denial that this is really going to happen and I'm worried that you're in for an almighty crash when the divorce finally goes through. You need to get your head around this now and so do your children.
I just needed to try and make sense of why he wont take the offer and sell up so I can move on.
Well, what's in it for him? Right now he's got a comfortable house, plus you as WIFE - that's Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etc. If you're going to let him carry on and throw yourself under his feet like some sort of doormat, he's going to just let you, isn't he?
Stop doing the wife work and start making his life uncomfortable. Once the status quo starts to disadvantage him, he'll soon decide he's better off elsewhere.
I never did want to split this was never my choice. I've carried on in the hope he may change his mind and that we can work things through.
He's gone down that road and having put the house on the market, when presented with decent offers why not just accept them. If he's made his decision I don't understand why he wouldn't be jumping at the chance. Its a head fuck! - and in honesty I feel that's what I need him to do so I can spend the time between then and the sale completing to gather my thoughts and prepare me and DC's for life ahead.
Sorry a couple of posts have crossed there.
You're probably right - I'm living in denial and absolutely terrified of speaking to the children. I have no idea how to prepare them, not a clue what to say and the entire thing scares the hell out of me!
Re: 4th offer
I bet your ex and his family are trying to find a way of buying you out which would be emotionally difficult but financially easier. But I reckon that's what's going on there.
It's time to move on .
Tell your kids the truth.
Live in truth yourself.
F*ck his parents. Who cares if they've been influential in your divorce. HE has made his choice. And that choice doesn't involve you. I say it every time. It's YOU time now. Draw your lines in the sand.
He won't accept the offer because he hasn't got the guts to take responsibility for ending the marriage.
How can you possibly want to still be married to this man? He is behaving appallingly towards you. If this is what he thinks love is then you need him out of your life and the DCs life asap.
I know it's hard, but all this is damaging your kids: if you want them to think you handled the divorce well then you need to actually do that. One day they will find out about all this and it will reflect badly on both of you.
And if you are married then surely the house is yours too and you can accept an offer on it. Ask your solicitor. You do have a solicitor don't you?
You really have to make things real for him. Stop doing things as a couple, tell the children. Take control and don't let him lead this. He sounds like an utter spineless drip by the way.
Your ex and his parents are almost certainly plotting something, otherwise the offer would have been accepted. I really worry for your safety and your children.
Even if he withdrew the divorce and begged forgiveness are you honestly saying you'd stay with him? I say this with the greatest of concern for you, but where is your self respect, woman?
You need to understand that you deserve more than this hell.
No the house is his name only. I have an HR1 in place. He can't sell or borrow without my knowledge and I have to consent to the sale, but as for what he sells it for I have no control/say at the moment.
As I've been to mediation (and by the end of today he should have too) - then I believe we have to have some joint sessions, which will then either result in a financial settlement being agreed at mediation (preference) or will allow for a financial order to be applied for through court.
To be honest I hadn't thought about DC's seeing it that was - I was more focused on them not being aware and thinking I had shielded them in some way. Perhaps you're right though, in long run what I've done could be more damaging.
I also know I shouldn't give a damn about his parents, but to be totally honest it sickens me that these two people I once had such a good relationship with have been sucked in believing the lies and have turned against me (yes I know he's their son) in such a vile way. I tend to be one of these people that if I think I've upset or hurt someone I'll go out of my way to correct so as they don't think negatively of me.........it just knots me up when I think they hate me so much and for what?! - sorry rambling
What about you offering him an ultimatum instead of letting his parents do that?
"Accept the offer on the house and go nc with your parents for 6 months to give us a chance to work through this without their influence (might seem more realistic to him than nc permanently). If you can't do that then I'm off as this is not healthy for the children"
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.