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Totally confused about "friend" !(100 Posts)
After a failed marriage and a disastrous relationship, I have been enjoying my time alone when I met a guy a couple of months ago-we hit it off straight away although I was quite flattered that he was interested in me, he is 5 years younger than me and looks even younger, a musician in a well known band.
He is also a lone parent of a young child and when we met up after our first meeting, he said he really liked me but that he wasnt sure where he stood on a relationship with me as his child came first and he didnt want me to expect anything he couldnt offer, I appreciated his honesty.
I went round to his the next eve and ended up in bed with him and although yes it was all very mind blowing, the next morning it was like nothing had happened. There was no physical contact afterwards and in the morning I left with an arrangement that I would go round on Saturday, he said to me the night before "dont get attached to me " I really should have heeded that warning.
I got the impression he was just after a friend with benefits but in all honesty the situation kind of suited me too, We lapsed into a kind of twice a week thing with constant fb messaging in between, messages were never sexual and when I went round to his we would curl up on the sofa and chat, etc..He told me a lot of personal stuff about himself and sometimes nothing would happen and I would go home, other times I would stay over and something would happen.
A couple of weeks ago he asked me to go round and spent the eve telling me how amazing he thought I was, that I turned him on and that despite the fact he appeared not to care about people, he did and that he cared about me, but then followed it up with, but we cant have a relationship. His past relationship history seems to be a string of short term relationships with the longest being his childs mother. He had indicated a couple of times that there was possibility some unresolved pain around past relationships but wouldnt go further.
The week after that Saturday, he indicated he'd ike some company on the tuesday and I stayed over and this went into weds, he spent the morning before going to work telling me lots of quite deep stuff and saying he hadn't shared that with people before ). That day, something happened at work, and he was sent home early, he messaged me asking me to come round which I did, he then told me that eve that he suspected he has bi polar disorder, something I had already suspected due to his constant changig moods. He got himself signed off work and when I reminded him I was going away that weekend, he asked to come along..It was great we had a fun weekend, no sex, just lots of laughs and at night, he cuddled me really tightly in bed, I began to question if it was more of a relationship.
However, he then spent the car journey home telling me he was unsuited to relationships and then implied that should sex with someone else present itself, he would take it, but would tell me first .
last week he seemed keen to have me round, but nothing physical, we spent a lot of time together and at the weekend I actually went out with him, his child and his parents.That eve he invited me and my young daughter to stay over and on sunday we all spent the day together with his child too.
On occasions he has accused me of being paranoid if I checked arrangements or confirmed something, it annoyed me because thats me, its how I operate. When I left on sunday, he told me he loved having me there and I could stop by whenever I wanted, no need to chec, just come over.
We usually always speak every day on fb messenger, I dropped him a message late afternoon asking if he was ok, he replied in short answers saying yes but was busy.(he is supposed to be job hunting).
I asked if he wanted any company the following eve, if I ask, he usualy always replies that Im always welcome, given the conversation we had on Sunday, I assumed I would be. He replied no he was busy.
So I asked him why I was no longer welcome and he replied in capitals, saying that just because he was busy, it didnt means f off, but that he had stuff to do, he then accused me of being paranoid again and said, if I pulled that paranoia crap on him again, he would tell me where to go.
I apologised and we chatted a while before he went off line.
Today after a couple of messages, I asked him if he wanted to hang out again.
he replied (copied and pastied)
Well logically yes of course.
Look, got a fair bit to do and need to sort it. Stop fishing for times, dates and paranoia relief. Go get on with your life and chill.
I replied saying I wasnt being paranoid, it was a question and that I hoped he managed to sort whatever it was he had to get on with and he knew where I was......he just replied with a thumbs up and Ive not heard from him since despite the fact hes been on fb all day and well into the night.
So I dont know what to think.he appears to have gone totaly cold on me and Im not sure if that last message actually reads get lost tbh, Im not in the market for a relationship either but sadly have developed feelings for him, my brain is scrambled because he is so inconsistent..
He's not really that inconsistent, I'm afraid: he clearly doesn't want to pursue anything ongoing. Just because he enjoyed your company and the sex (who wouldn't?) doesn't mean he wants to get into anything potentially more intense. I know you say you don't want a "relationship" either, but the way he sees it, repeating the experience is pretty much heading in that direction.
He wants to be able to keep himself in the clear and be able to say he never misled you in case you develop feelings he finds inconvenient. He probably thinks he's being cruel to be kind, but if you were to throw yourself at him while both pissed, I doubt he'd turn the opportunity down.
You don't need this headfuck though, do you? So take him at his word, notch it up to experience, and hold your head high.
Well neither of us drink so that wouldn't happen...I just feel totally confused that he has been wanting to spend so much time with me then in the space of 24 hours goes from telling me to call round anytime to not wanting to see me ..so I guess from his message you would say he is essentially telling me to bugger off then ?
We have slept together a lot since first meeting..most recent being just over a week ago so it wasn't just once or twice
When a man tells you who he is, believe it. From what you have written he has set out his stall quite clearly. He said he doesn't know where he stands with a relationship as his child comes first. He has told you not to get attached to him. He has said he is unsuited to relationships and will have sex with someone other than you if he feels like it. I spent years seeing what I wanted to see in relationships, looking for the potential, worrying that I was wrong. Now I see things for what they are and if someone was telling me what he is telling you I'd protect my emotional health and remove myself from the relationship pronto. You are not paranoid, you are in a state of flight to fight because you have the rush of attachment oxytocin through the sex yet he is telling you who is is. And he is unavailable. There are many men who are available out there, who will be considerate of your emotional health and you will feel calm. Have a look at baggage reclaim.
Thanks Fast car girl. .yes I've read Mr Unavailable and I know this is him all over..Zi don't think I need to remove myself as it looks as though he has done it for me..I'm still baffled at how he could just change in a day...sigh..he also told me he hears two conversations in his head all the time..a good one and a bad one...this bothered me..
Its all a bit of a headfuck isn't it? Its likely that he will meet someone else how will you feel then ?
As has already been said he has given you a clear warning not to get attached so that when the shit hits the fan his conscience will be clear
Walk away now.
He hasn't gone totally cold on you. He has been honest, open and consistent about how he feels and what he wants right from the very beginning (when you appreciated his honesty).
I don't understand why you are confused, tbh. It's all there.
He sounds quite horrible (stop fishing for paranoia relief?!) but equally you have been playing a very silly game, laying yourself out for him to pick up whenever he feels like and hoping he would decide he wanted more.
Cut your losses and move on.
he is essentially telling me to bugger off then
Look, got a fair bit to do and need to sort it. Stop fishing for times, dates and paranoia relief. Go get on with your life and chill
How did you interpret that in any other way??
Regardless of whether he does or doesn't want a relationship, I think the way he is phrasing his messages, and especially his repeated references to you as "paranoid", are very rude and unkind, and you deserve better.
You also refer to yourself as "apologising" - I really don't see what you needed to apologise for!
Please do t stick around to let him speak to you like this!
I agree that he sounds quite unpleasant, I'm not sure why you'd bother with him.
Tbh, what he has said (stop fishing... get on with your life and chill) aren't unkind within the parameters of the accepted relationship.
They only sound so because the op has become emotionally attached. Which is precisely what he told her not to do.
You're right folkgirl, but whatever the situation I wouldn't want someone talking to me like that.
Yes I suppose he has been basically honest, but he's still blown very hot and cold. I'd say the biggest issue is that he sounds like a bit of a dick. He wants what he wants when he wants it, and he seems to have a pathological avoidance of accountability, and blames you (paranoia relief?!) for his issues.
It doesn't matter what his "issues" are or why he's behaved like this, he isn't someone who has been good for you: the best thing to do would be cut all contact permanently. He's never been a "friend", you didn't know him before your sexual relationship, he's been a fling, and not much fun either.
It was unwise to put yourself in this situation. You might want to reflect on why you've taken these decisions.
Agree with PPs that he's been unkind.
I also don't like people that use their DC as an excuse for fuckwittery.
It's been difficult not to become attached given all the time we've spent together and also the constant contact..mostly initiated by him..He was the one saying to me on Sunday I was to call round whenever I liked..then the very next day said he was busy and more or less told me to get lost
Run in the opposite direction. He's essentially telling you he wants all of the benefits of a relationship with none of the commitment. It's not going to change. He's going cold because you are becoming attached, which would be normal in this situation if he wasn't telling you he doesn't want a relationship. He doesn't want a relationship. Believe it. Save yourself a lot of heartbreak and move on.
I am sorry but he has been using you for sex, and unfortunately you have become emotionally attached.
I agree, run and protect your self esteem. And ask yourself why you think his way of treating you is all you feel you deserve.
The problem here is that you're attached, and you now need to work on un-attaching yourself.
He's not he problem, since what he is is pretty clear: He's self-involved and unavailable and doesn't want a relationship with you (although he is happy to keep you on a string).
Your only salvation right now is to go cold turkey.
It's excruciatingly hard and painful, but after the first month or two you will be able to breathe more easily, and you will look back and wonder how you stepped right into that emotional morass, for a man who's really not all that (no-one is, but attachment blinds us).
Cold turkey means:
- block him on social media
- block him on your mobile phone
- block him on e-mail and Whatsapp and any other form of contact
- do not initiate contact, ever. When you're tempted, phone a friend or go for a jog or mop your floor or do anything else that keeps you busy and focused.
- You don't need to have one last weepy conversation or message when you bare your soul and say a drawn-out goodbye. Please. Write it in a journal instead. But don't give him any more of your time or soul. At most, send a short text saying: "This relationship isn't working for me and I no longer want any more contact" before blocking him.
I think he's been upfront too, but I also think he's bloody horrible. He knows fine you have a depth of feeling for him and he exploits it when he wants something like sex or company, then pushes you away again when he can't be arsed.
Don't mug yourself running around after him OP.
Never make someone a priority when they'll only make you an option.
Also, join a club or hobby group to fill the time you used to spend with him, to give yourself other people to talk to than him, and to keep your mind focused on something other than him.
Fill that void with something constructive. It will keep you from too much painful moping.
He has so much power. Always on his terms when you see him etc. You constantly have waited in the wings hoping things may change.
He has told you who he is I'd believe him. You are there for sex and some emotional support when he requires it.
If you are happy to be used like that then keep the lines of communication open.
He will be back when he's bored etc.
I'd personally take you as an option away and go no contact.
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