When does it stop feeling so raw?

[ThreePipeProblem]

I posted ages ago when DH first announced that he didn't love me anymore. He loved me but wasn't in love with me. He was having what I felt was an emotional affair. I know this hasn't turned into a full blown affair but I certainly wouldn't be surprised if he gets together with her eventually.

We've had months of limbo where as far as the children were concerned he was just 'working away'. We've now told the children which was awful and he has them for the first time this weekend.

I'm just bereft. I did arrange to see a friend but she ended up having to cancel and I've spent the whole day trying to distract myself from crying or crying. It's been awful. I feel as though I'm never going to be happy again.

I have always been happy in my own company but this enforced time away from the children is completely different and I just don't know how to cope. My old friends are spread across the country and my local friends all have children and husbands to spend the weekends with.

I just don't know how to cope on a practical basis, yet alone trying to move on from our what I thought was a happy life together. What do people do? It just still feels so raw.

I'm desperate for the children not to be affected and want to try and make things amicable.

[ThreePipeProblem]

Anybody?

[pieceofpurplesky]

I have been right there. Six
Months in limbo whilst he ate away at my confidence and I waited for him to decide if he loved me or not. The first time he has DS I almost died inside!
I am 15 months on ....I have had the year from hell and he has been a complete twat. I just had to get things sorted for the (rare) times he had DS. Today was the first day I had nothing planned and I just did nothing! I really enjoyed it.
We were married 15 years when he decided he was not in love with me.
To be fair he has only ever really loved himself!
You will get there op - keep yourself busy and don't let him grind you down any more

[AnnieKenney]

Sending hugs and - that sounds really painful.

The crappy truth is that it takes time. For now the best advice I have to give is to think of things you like doing but have been unable to do when you were with him / your children. You need to try and make this time special rather than time you mourn what could have been. Not pretending this is easy - and it may feel awkward / not that great at first but it will get better. Be kind to yourself.

[ThreePipeProblem]

Thanks for replying. We were together for 15 years too. It was May when he made his announcement, he moved in July but he hadn't made the final decision until last week when I said the limbo had to end. I really thought there was some hope. We were meant to be best friends.

[WellWhoKnew]

Hey you. Every single 'first' is shockingly difficult to cope with. No wonder you just want to cry.

So cry. It does help.

You don't say when your 'big bang' happened. In my observation of other women who've experienced true heartbreak (because that's what this is) the period 4 - 6 months later is the darkest and the hardest to cope with.

Another 'rule of thumb' is one month for every year you were together. Personally, I think that's a good rule for 'just getting to the stage of "I can cope with this but no more" rather than "I'm over this".

Another factor in the equation is how quickly you enter the divorce proceedings.

But in reality, it will take whatever it takes. It will depend on your "ordinary" levels of self-esteem (pre him killing them), how many anxieties you have in your life, indeed your propensity to cope with stress, how well you can occupy your time with distractions, the quality of your friendship and family and so on.

The first step in coping is acknowledging you're not coping. The next step is reclaiming your weekends as an adult (not a parent) and throwing yourself into activities - for example joining clubs, groups etc a useful site is: //www.meetup.com - even if you think they are 'not your thing', the key thing to do is force yourself out of your usual routines.

When others start to accept you individually it all helps you accept yourself.

[ThreePipeProblem]

Sorry more replies.

Yes I do need to do something other than mope and cry which is what I've done today.

[WellWhoKnew]

There you go. I was abandoned in May as well. Last year, not this one. So you're in month 5 - the darkest of the hours.

Thus, you're normal!

Runaway Husbands is a helpful book if you've not heard of it. It was recommended to me when I was in a very bad way. I read it, whilst screaming out loud 'but you're over this, I'm in it', but it does have some very good advice within it.

You tried your best. He failed you. And he failed your family.

One day I will finally find out who authored these words on MN, but they are the most succinct and accurate I have ever come across:

"There's nothing wrong with you, what's wrong is what's happened to you".

It is a mammoth effort to cope with the destruction of a marriage. So if you don't think you're coping, then at the very least you're learning a hell of a lot about compassion to others who aren't coping either.

And that's priceless.

[ThreePipeProblem]

Thank you. It feels good to know this is normal. It is just so very hard to reevaluate the future.

Reclaiming weekends as an adult is good advice. I need to think of it differently.

I just wonder how I go about telling people. I've texted some of my closest friends but I've no idea how to go about telling the children's school, acquaintances, etc. without breaking down in tears.

I'm not allowing myself to pick over where it all went wrong. I can't change anything and like you say, it wasn't my fault.

[ThreeFrazzledFandangos]

Mine left in April and today's been one of the first Saturdays alone without my DS since then.

I've had a really busy day, lunch with a friend, baby shower, dinner with my parents and still the loneliness got me once I got home alone.

It's utterly shit and I'm still waiting for it to get magically better.

All we can do is keep on keeping on, but so much easier said than done.

You don't have to tell anyone until you're ready. Just tell one person at a time. I'm sure you'll be pleasantly surprised by their reactions. Could you do it be email/text if you're finding it really hard?

[ThreePipeProblem]

I don't suppose there is anyway of hurrying it along. It is horrible to hear how many others have gone from what they thought was a happy family life to this. I'm so sorry for all of you.

The children won't be back till later this afternoon and am meeting a friend later but need to occupy myself this morning. I've made a list!

[Alchemist]

It's almost 2 years since we split (Halloween!) and it took me a good year to even begin to get it together. I've been ok but since hearing as was OW is pregnant, I've become really low again. Think it is just time and more time.

I'm sorry you are hurt and wish you well.

[ThreePipeProblem]

I'm sorry to hear that Alchemist. That must really hurt. DH and I got together at Halloween, maybe a bad omen.

It has helped being able to tell people. My older dc was sad today and asked why we can't be together anymore. It is so hard.

[Newtodating]

threepipe sorry not much help but just to say I am a year down the line from xdh leaving.came as a shock - we were together 13 years,with 2 young children when he decided he'd 'fallen out of love' with me.i found talking to everyone helped-colleagues,family,friends...talking was my therapy.initially I threw myself into the gym and made sure I took care of myself,continued with plans for my dream holiday (replacing xdh with my best friend),and quickly got the divorce done and dusted.as time went on I gradually built up to where I am now - 6 months into a relationship with who I consider to be my soulmate.I stategy worked up to this by putting myself out there initially with some dates,the odd kiss and then dtd - after over a decade with the same person it was both scary and exciting.now I am 6 months into a relationship with my dp and I am so much happier than I was before - I invested so much in my marriage to a person who wasn't worth it and just dragged me down. He has also moved on, still don't understand the reasons why he did what he did but have just stopped caring, sure the odd thing unsettles me but I know I would never take him back in a million years - I wish I had had the foresight not to marry him in the first place but then I wouldn't have my children of course!
Wishing you strength and courage-you will get through this and are worth more than someone who after so long together thinks nothing of leaving you waiting around months for his decision!despicable behaviour!x

[binders1]

Threefold I went to the darkest place I've ever been in my life after my 10 year relationship ended due to an affair. I won't say how long it took me to get over it because it was too long but there is no right or wrong time , it takes whatever it takes for each person. I'm now going through the same again as of a week ago after another 14 year relationship and its no less painful except I've bad amazing support and advice on here and because of the last time I KNOW I will get through the other side and be happy again. The aftermath is the hardest thing to get through. Sending you hugs.

[hellsbellsmelons]

It's horrible I know.
Cry when you want to.
I used to curl up and cry buckets for ages.
It is a good release though.
Have a look at your local meetup.com, there are loads of local things to do on there.
But please give yourself time. There really is no time limit on this kind of thing. I had my friends and family to help me through and I wouldn't have got through it without them.
Lean on people. They will want to help.

[HellKitty]

Decorate and reclaim YOUR bedroom if you're alone at a weekend again. You need to stop thinking of it as our house, this is your space and you need to cleanse him of it.

[binders1]

Sorry upthread threepipe not threefold! And I've HAD not bad amazing support! Not sleeping very well at the moment so apologies for all the typos!

[ThreePipeProblem]

Thanks everyone. I do have the urge to redecorate or somehow make the place feel different.

When we told the DCs we didn't apportion blame, we just said we weren't living together anymore. I do get the feeling that the older one feels sad that daddy is all alone and he won't like being on his own. I've reassured her that he is fine but I just want to say that it was all his idea. I can't but I'd like to.

It is reassuring to hear from people who have come out the other side. It just all feels very far away.

[Bogeyface]

I've reassured her that he is fine but I just want to say that it was all his idea. I can't but I'd like to.

You can actually.

Depending on her age you can either tell her the whole truth (if she is mid teens or older) but if she is younger then you say that Daddy didnt want to live with mummy anymore and wanted to have his own house where "you and your sibling" can go and stay with him. Then big up the positives of having 2 homes.

You dont have to lie.

[ThreePipeProblem]

I've read lots of stuff that says you must be neutral but I suppose the way you've put it is still neutral yet more accurate. Thank you that's really helpful. I'll go with that.

She is only 6. She said before bed that she wants to tell daddy she is sad then he'll come home. It's so upsetting.

[Bogeyface]

She said before bed that she wants to tell daddy she is sad then he'll come home.

And thats because she doesnt understand why he isnt there. If mummy and daddy are happy, then why cant daddy come home?

Thats why I think you do need to tell her a sanitized version. That Daddy wanted to live somewhere else, but thats ok because Daddy has a lovely new house where she has another bedroom that she can play in, and a different garden to play in too.

And acknowledge her hurt. Tell her that you understand that she is sad, that its ok to be sad when things change, that she can talk to you and she shouldnt bottle it up. Tell her that she wont feel sad for long and whenever she does she just needs to tell you and you will have a nice cuddle until she feels better.

Being neutral, I have always thought, means not saying "Well ask Daddy why he isnt here then! He doesnt care about us does he? Or he wouldnt have left!" or slagging Daddy off or pushing them to say that they love you more because you didnt leave...you know the sort of thing.

It doesnt mean that they cant handle or shouldnt be told the truth, in the long term it makes it far easier for them the handle the split.

Good luck and take care :)

[honeyroar]

I second the decorating or altering the house. Next time you're alone get googling ideas or colour schemes, check out Pinterest. Paint a room, particularly your bedroom, make it new and special. Buy new bedding and a lamp. It will fill a weekend and keep you busy.

There will be lots of ups and downs on the road ahead. You will ride them out.

[TheFormidableMrsC]

Bless you OP, wise words here from other lovely MN'ers who have helped me through my journey since my husband left us for somebody else.

Sunday will be two years since he walked out. I think that I can say now that I am OK. Not much more than that, but a huge improvement on the howling, utterly devastated creature I was two years ago. The bad days are few and far between now. I see what he's lost, what he's missed out on, the state he's in and what he's ended up with and just think he's an absolute fool. I find it hard to believe I married this man and stayed married for 14 years!! It's very very hard when there are children involved and very difficult to explain, my youngest child has struggled and still. My eldest has just cut ex-h off and has no contact.

This is a horrible journey, but it is exactly that, eventually you come to the end of it and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The things that helped me were ensuring I went out regularly, having fantastic family and friends, keeping busy as much as possible, changing my home around and decorating (I even moved bedrooms), exercising regularly and even posting on here. That actually saved my life at one point, literally. I can just about sit and watch the TV now...I simply couldn't for a very long time. It sounds ridiculous but it's things like that that make me realise how far I have come. I also had counselling, that was fantastic. Perhaps it would be worth speaking to your GP about a referral for that? I really do recommend it.

One day at a time...that's all you can do. What idiots these men are, the grass is rarely, if ever, greener and it just causes so much damage to everybody. You are doing just fine, you really are. Thinking of you and wishing you lots of love and luck

[ThreePipeProblem]

Thanks so much for replying. It really helps to hear from others who have been where I am.

I clarified things with DD today. I said that daddy doesn't want to live with mummy anymore but he loves them both lots and wants them to stay with him as much as possible.

We then talked about our plans for the weekend and she has asked for a pyjama day on Saturday. Sounds good to me.

[SkandiStyle]

Some very thoughtful advice here.

I think you have to cling on to the fact that no one can reasonably expect to stay heartbroken forever, in just the same way that no one can reasonably expect to stay deliriously happy for ever.

Extreme states of emotions just can't last. Mother Nature is very wise and has designed us to only be able to sustain such extremes for relatively short amounts of time.

So, I promise this too shall pass. And one day you will feel a bit sad precisely because you don't feel sad anymore - and you will realise that what once seemed an all-consuming, heart-breaking emotion has just kinda faded away...and you simply forgot to feel sad because basically you were busy getting on with life.

In real life no one sits like Marianna in the moated grange pensively yearning her lost love for years and years. Life doesn't let you. No matter how heartbroken you feel life eventually takes hold of your hand and makes you walk along with it again. And every day you will be walking further and further away from this horrible, horrible today.

Definitely advocate a spot of re-decorating this weekend, even if you just re-paint one wall and buy a scented candle. Join an exercise class (my friend got dumped by her ex, joined a cycling club, and 2 years later is now engaged to a fellow cyclist ). Try and see your child-free days as an adventure where you get to actually be you again, and not just Mummy.

I think it important to make small but discernible differences to how you are now as opposed to how you were with him. It's an important emotional divide you need to make.

So wear a shade of lipstick you've never worn before. Read a genre of book you've never read before. Wear your hair differently. Go and see a film you wouldn't normally choose. Take the train to a city you have never visited.

You're not re-inventing yourself, there's no need as I'm sure you're already lovely as you are. But you are exploring yourself, and who knows what you might find once you allow yourself out of your comfort zone.

Good luck, and you will be absolutely fine, I promise.