When does it stop feeling so raw?

[ThreePipeProblem]

I posted ages ago when DH first announced that he didn't love me anymore. He loved me but wasn't in love with me. He was having what I felt was an emotional affair. I know this hasn't turned into a full blown affair but I certainly wouldn't be surprised if he gets together with her eventually.

We've had months of limbo where as far as the children were concerned he was just 'working away'. We've now told the children which was awful and he has them for the first time this weekend.

I'm just bereft. I did arrange to see a friend but she ended up having to cancel and I've spent the whole day trying to distract myself from crying or crying. It's been awful. I feel as though I'm never going to be happy again.

I have always been happy in my own company but this enforced time away from the children is completely different and I just don't know how to cope. My old friends are spread across the country and my local friends all have children and husbands to spend the weekends with.

I just don't know how to cope on a practical basis, yet alone trying to move on from our what I thought was a happy life together. What do people do? It just still feels so raw.

I'm desperate for the children not to be affected and want to try and make things amicable.

[ThreePipeProblem]

Thank you Mrs C. I'm going to ring round and see if I can get half an hour free somewhere. It sounds like you were dragged through the mill. I think he's listen to reason if someone else explained that his ideas are unfair.

Alchemist Odd question but did you have your dog already or did you get it post split? I've always wanted a dog but I can't imagine the logistics at the moment. I'd love one in the future. Maybe in a few years.

[TheFormidableMrsC]

Just realised there isn't a frown face, so have this one instead !

[TheFormidableMrsC]

And so it begins...[frown]. Lots of solicitors will give you 30 minutes free advice. Wikivorce is a very useful online tool. You will be pointed to mediation in the first instance as the court will expect you to do that. If you can get finances and children sorted via that method, all the better. I have been through a year of hearings, self representing, it's hell and I wouldn't recommend it. There is a fantastic book available on Amazon that explains everything in laymans terms. Here's a link for that, I highly recommend it :

www.amazon.co.uk/Family-Law-Made-Simple-Separation/dp/1922178268/ref=sr_1_9?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1445269903&sr=1-9&keywords=Family%20law&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

I would suggest in the immediate term you set out what access you wish him to have with the children (what suits you). Unfortunately, you can't deny him access to the house, but it really needs to be on your terms, not his. Put this in writing and start a paper trail.

Get all your financial paperwork together, everything you can think of. You will both have to go through full financial disclosure. It's really shit, but you're doing the right thing.

Thinking of you OP

[ThreePipeProblem]

I'm so fucking angry with DH being so obstructive and bloody minded about everything. I'm really pissed off with how cold and blasé he is about the children being so upset. If they're not physically crying he thinks all is well.

I think I'm going to have to see a solicitor about getting things more official. He thinks he can come in the house whenever he wants and just demand weekend access to suit him because I 'have them all week'.

Can anyone give me a vague cost of seeing a solicitor?

I don't know where the man I married went? Has he always been a selfish shit?

[Alchemist]

I woke up at 9.40am! I must say this is one (tiny) positive of the DC seeing their father - I am catching up with sleep.

I hope you manage to get your house feeling cosier and keep being kind to yourself. The sun is shining here, for a change, so I am taking the hound for a long walk.

I hope you are ok Three

[ThreePipeProblem]

I'm so glad I started this thread . I'm sorry to hear of others in the same place but am glad that the comments on the thread have helped you too.

I've got plans to keep myself occupied tomorrow, mainly making the house cosier and more how I want it. Hope others out there have plans too. The weekends are the hardest bit.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

That was awesome!!! So inspiring!!!

[drifted2015]

This is to everyone reading but to you in particular.
Right, day one shit.Day two shit. Day three ? Yes shit.

I sort of found MN about December but only felt strong enough to post in January . BUt I took heart from those before me. There is some really good support if you search MN for Hobbit. It brings up previous threads where many of us have vented and recorded our rollercoaster journeys.

Music is so evocative isn't it ? Seasons, smells, and also the damn festive season too. However, this is something we have to get through . I am in the middle of it. If it is a month per year then I am about the half way mark . But it is good because of this. I never ever thought I would ever feel better. I can remember 9 months ago this very day I was wandering around London looking in charity shops for pictures to change my house , anything to build a new life. i hated life , I was sad , so very sad it hurt, every single person was happy, except me, it truly was the lowest weekend in my separation.

I was looking too hard. My sister came around two weeks later and moved furniture. We didn't buy a thing. Simply rearranged the furniture. Honestly it gave me such strength. Yes I thought i will show you, you broke my heart but I am going to build myself again and much as I didn't believe it at the time, I started that day and that was seven weeks after she departed.

I have morals of keeping vows and not cheating & that is very important. I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in & I am not hungry .

I couldn't listen to music, I switched to Classic FM for weeks as certain songs were like torture like the radio was f*ing taunting me .

I mean it when I say it will ease, I am afraid it is time that helps because we cope, you will. Please do search under Hobbit & look at previous threads . Read them and just note me ( Drifting or Drifted2015 ) . I climbed & slipped, but now, I am more climbing than slipping.

I wish I could help you more - but take it from me ( and the many other Team Hobbit gang ) . And if you want a song to inspire you how about that Jess Glynn " Don't be so hard on yourself ". Don't . You are worth more than spending your life with that person. I know because I am worth it too.

KOKO .

[Minime85]

Three I think that is one of the hardest things the sharing of those memories and moments the dcs have had and will continue to have.

But it does get better. I share mine with my parents or friends and now new partner. Sometimes exh and I share things dcs do too.

I remember when it came to me feeling I wasn't just existing and keeping the roof over our heads or holding down the full time job I had on my own anymore. It does come. It's gradual but time is a great healer. Truely.

[isthismylifenow]

I too am going through the same thing Three. I know you have posted for support, but I just wanted to thank everyone for the comments, as they have helped more of us that you thought

Haven't got to the dc being away as yet though. My motto at the moment is 'one day at a time' as its the only way I can cope. I cant even begin to think about the weekend they aren't with me yet.

I am not good and decorating and that sort of thing. But over the past few weeks these ideas have just popped into my head about what I would like to change, little things (but big for me) like move the table over there, or change these photo frames over here and get some of those nice smelly stick things, and maybe even light a candle in the bathroom etc. I want to move around the furniture and change things. I think, after reading this now, maybe this is a normal reaction to try to make the house mine now, instead of ours.... But nothing about now is how I thought I was, even just a few weeks ago. I was the fixer, the one running after him, trying to please him all the time, trying to keep the peace. I am not doing that anymore now. I am done! After being told that he no longer loves me, I actually thought long and hard, and I no longer love him anymore either....

But its hard. OP keep strong.

[mulberrybag]

I'm going through exactly the same three. I can't stop the tears, I have sat in so many car parks this week just sobbing, lost and frightened about the future. The advice and warmth on this thread is superb and MN at its best. I have no advice but just a gentle hand hold through this awful awful turmoil. It feels like the hurt will never go away but the lovely posts on here reassure that we will get there in time. Big hug

[ThreePipeProblem]

It is him who I think of texting if the DCs say something funny or if a song comes on the radio that reminds me of x occasion etc. It is hard to change that mindset.

i'm sorry to hear about your mum MrsC. I'm glad to hear you have found happiness post ex.

Electrician is coming. We might be warm this weekend after all.

[TheFormidableMrsC]

Oh bless you Three, weirdly almost exactly the same thing happened to me when H left, his own bloody wiring actually, but he refused to deal with it for 9 months and I couldn't afford to get somebody out. It was a nightmare. Hope you get this sorted today. I really sympathise, it's so so hard to get past the need to "pick up the phone" or send a text to somebody who has shared your life for such a long time. I think my ex also struggled with that to an extent early on. You get used to it. You find other outlets. I have dealt with it similarly to when my Mum died, I let the feeling and need to speak to her wash over me for a while and then ring somebody else. It does work eventually. It is a very different feeling, I agree.

I hope you can find something lovely to do while DC's are out this weekend. I really value my "alone" time now although it is only one full day on a Saturday. I have a bit of a long-ish distance, no strings relationship now so I tend to go and see him. It's lovely. You'll get there

[ThreePipeProblem]

Thanks everyone. It does help. I do need to avoid being all at sea when the DCs go.

Something has gone with the electrics today and the rcd switch keeps tripping. I've worked out it is the downstairs circuit but unplugging everything has made no difference. My H is the world's least practical man so it isn't as if I miss that he's come home, roll his sleeves up and fix it, it is more there is no one in it with me. It is just me.

I fell over the other day. It was quite an embarrassing fall and when I got home a bit teary, again I felt I had no one to ring. It is hard to adjust to not sharing a life with anyone. I know my parents or friends would be kind but it is different.

I've rung an electrician who might Be able to fit me in. He better had as I've no fridge and no heating.

[Alchemist]

Coming back to say although it is really rough the first, and subsequent ones, one of the things I would do is buy (usually) steak, already mashed potatoes and spinach with creamy pepper sauce. Took minutes to cook/micro and felt nice and kind. The wine helped too. I went through a phase of Gu puddings, magazines and candles.

After walking the dog, I love really long, hot showers and then loads of fancy cream and pj.

Just be kind to yourself. All this not normal becomes normal quite soon. Best wishes.

The most constant thing in my life for a good few months was Breaking Bad. I just lost myself in there.

[OllyBJolly]

It is so difficult. I would long for my ex to show up so I could have a break and then bawl my eyes out for hours once they had gone.

My coping strategy was to plan stuff for when they were away - manicure, coffee and a book, see friends, haircut. I gave myself permission to forget about housework/chores/shopping. In the beginning he only had 4 hours and usually turned up an hour late and came back early. (his choice) . It seemed a lifetime. And THEN - I really enjoyed my "me time". I insisted he took the DDs for longer.

Then the first overnights were painful, and then the holidays - although this was a good few years later.

Strange to say, the only time I didn't worry about the DDs was when they were with their dad. They were with someone who loved them as much as I did, they would not come second, they were the centre of someone's world for a few hours. It is quite liberating once you get used to it.

[TheFormidableMrsC]

Lovely post drifted

[drifted2015]

OP echo what others say . Cry all you like, my ExW left me 11 months ago suddenly . I cried for weeks. Then I didn't notice that I didn't cry on a day & thought oh I didn't cry - aaah progress you see ?

From someone who has been helped massively on MN when theres nobody to speak to, it will get better , because at the moment you cannot see it - just like I couldn't. But it will .

I spoke to as many people as possible & still do, you will be surprised at just how many people have got the t-shirt ( including my financial adviser who was collating my settlement money ).

What I am trying to say is you are not alone in the world, you have your RL support & when you need to vent on here , somebody will read it. We are thinking of you . It happens all the time but YOUR pain is the worst I know that.

BUt in time, it starts to ease ever so slowly.

[Dowser]

I painted my exh out of my life. Painted it all white. It was very cleansing . I was married thirty years and yes a month for a year was about right but obviously the latter months were a lot easier than the first ones.

[SkandiStyle]

Sorry, posted on wrong thread

[SkandiStyle]

Do you have actual proof that this latest drama is 'real' OP? Call me experienced cynical, but it seems rather a coincidence that at the first sign of you standing up for yourself the very next morning your partner supposedly gets involved in some sort of unpleasantness which he can twist into making your fault.

Funny that...

[TheFormidableMrsC]

ThreePipe...very wise advice from your friend. Please check your legal position as a matter of urgency. I can't express how important that is, take it from one who knows

[PitilessYank]

It's so difficult, when one is a mother, and so accustomed to doing for others, (at least in my experience), to re-learn how to pamper and take care of one's self properly! It can make one feel sort of guilty, I think.

But it makes perfect sense to use your weekends when the kids are with their Dad to re-charge, rest, and re-connect with your sources of support: friends, siblings, whomever.

Maybe pick up a new project or hobby at those times? Study Japanese? Knit a beautiful sweater or make other kinds of art?

[ILiveAtTheBeach]

I think you have to concentrate on the positives (and I know you probably can't think of any yet!)

When your ExH has the kid(s), do stuff you couldn't do before. Have a spa day / go to the hairdressers / get a lie in / go on dates.

What I will say, is that when the kids leave home, you will not get the empty nest syndrome, because you will be used having some alone time.

Re Christmas, maybe you could still have the day together, for the sake of the kids?

[ThreePipeProblem]

Lost is exactly how I felt. I've got over the first weekend hurdle at least. Thank you so much for all your thoughts and advice. It made me tear up in a nice way. It is very reassuring. You are right, I can't be this sad forever.

Skandi Very thoughtful advice, I will re read that when I'm down or a bit lost to pep me back up.

WhatsGoingOn That made me laugh! I was torturing myself last week's with thoughts of other families having lovely days out etc.

I do need to think me about me. A real life friend warned me to get legal advice and that DH is not my friend or looking out for my best interests, which is advice I'm sure I've read on here. Maybe she is a Mntter. I'm also worrying about Christmas already. I need to shut my brain off from that I think and concentrate on the next few weeks. One week at a time.