Husband doesn't find me attractive

[sminkypinky]

I've been feeling pretty rubbish about myself after having a baby. I was hugely overweight before falling pregnant but lost a lot of weight to get into the "normal" range and have kept it off. Recently I remembered a conversation which my husband and I had a while ago after a few drinks (so, before I fell pregnant) where I asked him if he found me attractive, his answer was "why, do you find me attractive?" which he said in a mocking tone (my answer is yes btw). I've taken this to mean that he doesn't, fair enough, I can't force him to find me attractive. I've tried everything, lost weight, toned up, even resorted to sexy underwear (which he said did nothing for him).

We've never had a very active sex life, which is something I've tried to discuss time and time again, but he just gets defensive, or says that he wants to have sex more often but nothing ever happens. I asked recently about this and he is adamant that he does find me attractive and can't remember the conversation. I don't really believe that he does to be honest, he never does/says anything that would make me think he did. I've asked him if it is anything specific that I could change, apparently there is nothing. I also asked if me wearing different clothes/make up (I don't usually wear it), or underwear would make a difference and he said no and that it doesn't matter what I'm wearing. We haven't had sex since my baby was born 6 months ago and to be honest, although I usually have a pretty high sex drive, I don't feel like I want to, while I'm feeling that he's not attracted to me.

Does anyone have any ideas how I can get past this? My husband is adamant that he loves me and doesn't want to split up. I'm not sure how to move on, knowing that nobody will want me in that way ever again (not that he ever did). I don't want to split up either, I just need help to get past this. Has anyone been through similar?

[Milllii]

Have you asked him why he isn't interested in sex with you and told him how it makes you feel.

[sminkypinky]

Yes, I've asked and he says that he does want to have sex more, but then nothing ever happens. I've told him how I feel, but it just seems to upset him or put him on the defensive.

[Milllii]

Does he have a very stressful job?
Is he older and/or have trouble getting aroused?
Has he just got a very low sex drive?
How long have you been together and has it always been this way?

Sorry so many questions, just trying to understand more.

[sminkypinky]

No problem about the questions

His job isn't majorly stressful to be honest, just a regular office type job. He's only a couple of years older than me (late 30s), whenever we do have sex he doesn't have a problem getting aroused. I thought that it may be that he has a low sex drive, but whenever I ask him about it he is adamant that he wants to have more sex. We've been together 20 years, it wasn't like this at the beginning, we go through peaks and troughs which I think is pretty normal, but over the last few years it has just tailed off apart from when we were ttc.

[Turtletea]

Do you get much time where you are alone together? Could you get a babysitter and go book a room?

[sminkypinky]

We get very little time alone at the moment. We could get a sitter, but this issue was from before I got pregnant and we were alone most of the time then, so I'm not sure if it would make any difference. I might suggest it to DH, but I'm not hopeful to be honest.

[sminkypinky]

Also, I think I'd feel a bit odd about it with me knowing he doesn't really find me attractive, so I'd feel like he was just going through the motions iyswim

[Toohotcats]

If you know he doesn't find you attractive, why are you still with him? I'd assume being attracted to each other is fundamental .. ?

[Handywoman]

Sounds to me like you have convinced yourself he finds you unattractive. You also have your own issues with your body. You've only recently made this transition to motherhood : do you feel there's affection and closeness between you? Because that's a better focus for you than makeup/clothes/undies. Those are red herrings.

[sminkypinky]

Because we love each other. He has always maintained that he loves me, he says now that he does find me attractive and he doesn't know/can't remember why he said what he did, but his actions have yet to show me otherwise. We've been together a long time and have a small baby and it seems like a selfish reason to split up our family, especially if he is willing to carry on.

[fourflights]

I'm pretty sure it's nothing to do with him not finding you attractive.

This is about him, not you.

[sminkypinky]

To be honest handywoman, we aren't a very affectionate couple in the way of cuddling, kissing etc, we were in the beginning but not to a massive extent. We're both from families who aren't very affectionate/tactile. The sex issue has gone on for a long time, but the attractiveness thing has only just reared its ugly head (after a traumatic birth) although I do have pretty low self esteem and have never really regarded myself as attractive, so maybe there is an element of truth in what you say.

[sminkypinky]

I'm not sure what you mean fourflights ?

[Handywoman]

If you don't do much in the way of cuddling/kissing/touching day-to-day, do you feel emotionally close?

Did/do you talk about the birth and its aftermath, with him? Do you feel you've recovered from it? Do you feel it has affected your potential to be desirable?

Sorry, lots and lots of questions.......

[sminkypinky]

I think we're close, but most of the time more like best friends, I do wish there was more affection.
I've spoken at length about the birth, and he came to the debrief with me. Physically I've recovered from it, I ended up with an emergency C Section, so it wasn't physically difficult. Mentally, I did have counselling for PND, I think I'm still adjusting to being a mum as it is much more demanding than I could have ever imagined. I don't think it has affected my potential to be desirable as this has been going on since before the pregnancy.

[Milllii]

I cant really see anywhere that he has actually said to you that he doesn't find you attractive though. That seems to be just what you have presumed. If you didn't seem interested much before could the trying to conceive sex have become so intense that playful sex lost its place.

You have been together a long time so it sounds like you have lost each other a bit and maybe with having just had a baby you have both been concentrating on the big change in your lives. After 20 years of just you and him, a baby can come as a bit of a shock.

[diddl]

I think that you need to try to get past the "do you find me attractive" conversation.

You had both been drinking?

It's easy to feel insecure about your body after a baby.

And to welcome as much sleep as possible!

It does take an effort-from both of you.

Maybe he is also thinking that you aren't that bothered/would rather sleep?

[Milllii]

sorry meant if he didn't seem interested before.

[sminkypinky]

Sorry, I think my OP may have missed out that the sex issue has been going on for years, well before baby came along, so the lack of sex isn't a result of that (although it definitely doesn't help). He's always known that I've been keen on having more sex as I've discussed it with him lots of times in the past.
Millii it was kind of implied in the way he answered my question rather than him directly saying it. Maybe I'm just being over sensitive?

[Milllii]

Has the lack of interest been through the 20 years together or just when you started trying to conceive?

[sminkypinky]

It was before then, even when we were ttc for the first years. It was only when I had to take meds to help where it became regular. NOw it has gone back to what it was before.

[Milllii]

Sorry Sminky could you clarify more.

It was before you were trying to conceive?

and

What do you mean by it became regular when you had to take meds?

[sminkypinky]

Sorry, I'm feeding DS at the moment, so I'm all over the place.
His lack of interest was evident before ttc, even at the beginning when we were ttc he wasn't enthusiastic. I had to take clomid, it was only then when sex became regular (but only on the prescribed days), now it is back to what it was before ttc.

[Milllii]

Why did sex become regular when you took clomid . How did that make him more interested in sex?

[sminkypinky]

We had to have sex on specific days during my cycle around ovulation which is what the specialist told us to do, so it happened, I don't think he was more interested, I just think it was more out of "duty" than anything. We never had sex on days where there was no chance of me getting pregnant.