Following on from my first post (sorry don't know how to post link).
My DH of 25yrs had an EA with a mutual friend which he told me about in Feb. he claims it wasn't sexual but I have a few doubts still, he says he loves me, wants to fix it etc.
It completely rocked my world and I have subsequently suspended my studies and had to take time out to work out what I actually want, some days I do want to stay together and others I hate him for making me feel this way. Following his revelations I had 2 close relative deaths, my eldest DS had meningitis and I've been ill myself. During one of the funerals my dad told me that he was very disappointed in me for suspending my studies and that I shouldn't have done it as everyone else carries on with life instead of wallowing in self pity (dad isn't aware of DH's EA and I haven't shared it with any friends in RL as I am ashamed of it/him). I am now on AD's which have killed my libido and I feel as if I am empty (I can't think of a better word to use). I have had some counselling at the uni to sort out my return in September and I have an appointment for CBT at my GP's this week.
I love my DH, I thought that we were in a very good place relationship wise, he was earning decent money for once (not that it was bad before but last couple of years it had been steady as self employed) I was studying to return to work, the kids were settled (long story but 2 disabled and one v.bright) and we shared mutual interests, had a great sex life - not perfect but GOOD.
He tells me that he is down and feels a bit depressed because of how he has made me feel (he has seen GP but refused AD's) and that I should try to not give in to depressive thoughts and 'get on with life' and as much as I try I have very down days where I don't even want to get dressed let alone do anything else. I seem to spend my time reading fiction and a little of pre study to return to uni but I have let my volunteering lapse, my study and self drive have gone out the window and I don't really like who I have become, this listless, uninterested person. I'm not sleeping well, either so tired I just want to sleep or total insomnia when I can't sleep or light dozing repeatedly on and off.
I have started running again as a way to get out the house, but I'm not enjoying it ( I know all runners say that at some point) but I am convinced that I will meet the OW when out on a run and I don't know how I would behave near her. apart from wipe the floor with her She has got away scot free as her DH doesn't know about it, she continues as if nothing happened and even tries to engage my DH in conversation if they are at the same event (to be fair he has conversed back as its 'rude not to').
We recently had a wedding anniversary and went out to celebrate but it seemed lame and false and to be honest I didn't enjoy it even though I had gone through the motions of hairdressers, new dress etc.
Some days it does feel as if he is trying and others as if he isn't.
I know this is long but I didn't want to drip feed.
How long will it take me to forgive?
If I ever do?
Will I ever feel 'normal' again?
Would I feel better if I thought she was suffering too?
How do I explain this to him so he understands how I feel? All the time? Not just when he is home?
Do you have any advice to help me through this very dark time ?
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Relationships
Continuing on from his EA and how I'm 'coping'
Lolliew · 29/06/2015 10:44
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