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Continuing on from his EA and how I'm 'coping'

(38 Posts)
Lolliew Mon 29-Jun-15 10:44:44

Following on from my first post (sorry don't know how to post link).

My DH of 25yrs had an EA with a mutual friend which he told me about in Feb. he claims it wasn't sexual but I have a few doubts still, he says he loves me, wants to fix it etc.

It completely rocked my world and I have subsequently suspended my studies and had to take time out to work out what I actually want, some days I do want to stay together and others I hate him for making me feel this way. Following his revelations I had 2 close relative deaths, my eldest DS had meningitis and I've been ill myself. During one of the funerals my dad told me that he was very disappointed in me for suspending my studies and that I shouldn't have done it as everyone else carries on with life instead of wallowing in self pity (dad isn't aware of DH's EA and I haven't shared it with any friends in RL as I am ashamed of it/him). I am now on AD's which have killed my libido and I feel as if I am empty (I can't think of a better word to use). I have had some counselling at the uni to sort out my return in September and I have an appointment for CBT at my GP's this week.

I love my DH, I thought that we were in a very good place relationship wise, he was earning decent money for once (not that it was bad before but last couple of years it had been steady as self employed) I was studying to return to work, the kids were settled (long story but 2 disabled and one v.bright) and we shared mutual interests, had a great sex life - not perfect but GOOD.

He tells me that he is down and feels a bit depressed because of how he has made me feel (he has seen GP but refused AD's) and that I should try to not give in to depressive thoughts and 'get on with life' and as much as I try I have very down days where I don't even want to get dressed let alone do anything else. I seem to spend my time reading fiction and a little of pre study to return to uni but I have let my volunteering lapse, my study and self drive have gone out the window and I don't really like who I have become, this listless, uninterested person. I'm not sleeping well, either so tired I just want to sleep or total insomnia when I can't sleep or light dozing repeatedly on and off.

I have started running again as a way to get out the house, but I'm not enjoying it ( I know all runners say that at some point) but I am convinced that I will meet the OW when out on a run and I don't know how I would behave near her. apart from wipe the floor with her She has got away scot free as her DH doesn't know about it, she continues as if nothing happened and even tries to engage my DH in conversation if they are at the same event (to be fair he has conversed back as its 'rude not to').

We recently had a wedding anniversary and went out to celebrate but it seemed lame and false and to be honest I didn't enjoy it even though I had gone through the motions of hairdressers, new dress etc.

Some days it does feel as if he is trying and others as if he isn't.

I know this is long but I didn't want to drip feed.

How long will it take me to forgive?
If I ever do?
Will I ever feel 'normal' again?
Would I feel better if I thought she was suffering too?
How do I explain this to him so he understands how I feel? All the time? Not just when he is home?

Do you have any advice to help me through this very dark time ?

Lolliew Mon 29-Jun-15 11:57:51

think I found it smile

Bogeyface Mon 29-Jun-15 12:12:23

Do you actually want to make a go of it?

Because it sounds like you are going through the motions without the feelings of wanting to make it work.

Its ok to say that you dont want to do this anymore.

TheStoic Mon 29-Jun-15 12:12:25

It sounds like this is all still about him. He's feeling depressed because of how bad he has made you feel, but you should basically suck it up and not let it get you down?

How often does he have contact with her? For reconciliation to be possible, the correct answer must be NEVER. This should be the absolute basic non- negotiable. If he's not willing to do that as the absolute minimum, you have your answer.

Start there. If he agrees that there must be no contact whatsoever, at least you will know you have a chance.

And you might feel better if she was suffering too, but the feeling would be temporary. This isn't about her.

Cabrinha Mon 29-Jun-15 12:18:42

There's so much going on there but just to pick up on one small part of it...
He has to speak to the OW socially because it's rude not to?

No. No no no no no.

You are allowed to tell him, to make ONE written contact with her, seen by you, where he says that he is trying to save his marriage as part of that he chooses NOT to engage with her in anyway - so please not to speak to him at all.
Then if she approaches him, he calmly says "I told you I will not talk to you" and walk away.

That is the MINIMUM you can expect from him if he is trying to save his marriage after what he did.

Do anything you can to speed up your counselling. You have some money as a family you say - use it.

And first and foremost accept that even if you WANT to get over it, you might not be able to.

I really hope you can, if you want to. But you can't guarantee it and that will be his fault not yours.

I think you will get nowhere though, until can convince you of the truth:
- either admits it was sexual (why do you think that?)
- or makes you trust him that if wasn't - and that it hard and the ball is in his court
- and he really understands that it is the lying about sex/not sex that is the probably. Because the actual sex would probably be no more damaging to your trust than the EA. I expect he doesn't get that at all, just his much he has fucked everything up


Lolliew Mon 29-Jun-15 14:05:08

I do want to work on our marriage, it's not been an easy 25yrs and we have always rode out any storm together, this feels like we want different things, he wants me to forgive and forget and I think I want him to continue reassuring me how much he wants me.

He has changed recently/last 12 months due to weight loss and fitness levels, and one of the things he has said that he would like to do is on my bucket list (and has been for a while) he however would like to go and do it alone without me ( he wants to run a foreign race - there is a marathon in the autumn he wants to go and do and I'm not up to running that distance I only do Halfs). He says that if it had been another sport that he asked to go and do by himself I wouldn't have any hesitation letting him go alone and it's only because of what's happened that I don't want him to go alone, and that is damn right As well as it being on my bucket list. AIBU?

Should I just tell him to go and suck it up? Or do I have a point and want us to at least travel together even if I don't race? We could find care for the children so we could go together. He says that he has never stopped me travelling without him or doing anything alone, but my point is that I have never wanted to I have always asked him to come with me and share the experience - surely that's what marriage is about?

TheStoic Mon 29-Jun-15 14:10:17

No, you are not being unreasonable. Nothing you are feeling, or asking of him, is at all unreasonable.

He does not sound even slightly remorseful. Clearly he doesn't understand how big a deal this is. You need to make him understand that if he does not do EVERYTHING he possibly can to fix this, your marriage is over. have to mean it.

Bogeyface Mon 29-Jun-15 14:17:34

So he cheated on you and his way of trying to fix it is to tell you to get over it and then book a foreign trip for himself to do something that you have always wanted to do?

He is a classic mid life crisis cliché. Upping his fitness levels, living a single mans lifestyle and turning his interest to other women.

I am sorry to say this but I think the worst is yet to come sad

DorisDazzler Mon 29-Jun-15 14:53:30

He doesn't have to speak to ow at all and should have made every effort to avoid her. Will ow be at the foreign race ? Why does he want to go alone ? You don't have to put up with either of these scenarios . He would go abroad and leave you at home worrying after what he's done ? Just No. How awful.

I think you need to tell someone in real life to get some support. You've done nothing wrong and the shame is his , not yours. I'm sorry this has happened , I'm familiar with the trauma it causes.

Lolliew Mon 29-Jun-15 15:01:16

I am worried that it's a mid life crisis with him, but he started running because I asked him to come with me, he quickly got faster and further distances and of course he lost a lot of weight (6+ stones) I am very proud of him for that and the distances that he runs.

He does keep asking how he looks and he has got a little vain overs last few months, but I loved him at his heaviest and didn't mind that he was over weight (I'm no skinny Minnie myself) when he asks if he looks good I always reassure him but I do/did stress that I loved the man he was before as well. I have always found him attractive, I am now very conscious that others will find him that way too.

I want him to understand that this isn't over for me just because it's not the topic of conversation every day, when I try to say that I have had a bad day he asks 'why'? As if it's stopped being an issue, the last couple of weeks was results day at the uni for my year, and why I tried to explain that I was upset as I didn't have any to collect he seemed to dismiss it as irrelevant. I know that some of it will be that he doesn't know what to say to me.

I feel like I'm drip feeding now - but so many other things keep popping up in my head :/

BathtimeFunkster Mon 29-Jun-15 15:04:57

I think if you're at the point that he is choosing to do big things in his life, and you not bring party to it is part of the deal, then your marriage is over.

It's one thing to do things separately. It's quite another to ban you from sharing something with him when it is a mutual interest.

When he has so recently used that mutual interest as cover for an affair, you're just flogging a dead horse.

Lolliew Mon 29-Jun-15 15:06:41

X post Doris

OW will not be there ( I really don't think) but there will be other women there that we met this spring whilst we were on a break ( running holiday that we were using to help patch up the relationship) - neither of whom added me as a friend on fb when we got back, just him. He says they are just friends.

He says he wants to go alone as it's something he has never done and will mean that he doesn't have to worry about anyone else being there that he is responsible for over the weekend - he hasn't booked it yet but I know that he really wants to do it.

MadameJulienBaptiste Mon 29-Jun-15 15:14:15

Sorry but I'd tell him to go to the event alone if that's what he really wants then pack his stuff and leave it outside for when he comes back.
'Going off alone' shouldn't even occur to him if he is commited to working on your marriage just now.
Sorry but I think ow is still lurking and he's keeping in touch with her.

BathtimeFunkster Mon 29-Jun-15 15:22:13

Or else he has another OW in his sights.

pocketsaviour Mon 29-Jun-15 16:04:23

Agree 1million% with Cabrinha, talking to OW "because it would be rude not to" is just laughable. So he would rather you were hurt and insecure than stop speaking to the person he hurt you with?! FUCK. THAT. SHIT.

The trip abroad on his own is really fishy, sorry. The excuses he is coming out with are complete bollocks. "Be responsible for someone else over the weekend"? Yeah that would fly if the DC were going, not a grown woman. Just, no.

He really needs to understand he is on probation, here. I can't actually see what steps he's taken to address this problem and alleviate your fear and pain? What has he actually done to make amends and try to rebuild your trust in him? He hasn't even STOPPED TALKING TO HER.

Lolliew Mon 29-Jun-15 16:52:16

I can only go on what he says he has done, he has changed some of his running times and no longer runs as often with the same group that he used to in order to avoid her. He says he cannot just ignore her if they are in the same place and if she speaks to him he says he will not ignore her as it will make everyone else feel uncomfortable. I know how that sounds and I have said that it is unacceptable, including when he says he spoke to her during a race they were both in and he passed her, he says he had to speak to her. When he told me I was beside myself and I still don't think he understands how that hurt me.

BathtimeFunkster Mon 29-Jun-15 18:48:06

I still don't think he understands how that hurt me.

I think the word you're looking for here is care.

AnyFucker Mon 29-Jun-15 19:03:19

what are you hanging on for ?

Cabrinha Mon 29-Jun-15 20:01:14


Sorry to be hurtfully blunt, I really am sad

But your husband is turning down a trip away with you, without kids, to participate in your fucking hobby that you got him into, so he isn't RESPONSIBLE for you?

Love, he thinks he can get away with whatever he wants now. You won't leave him. He thinks.

I expect this could make you cry - but imagine being with someone who said "I know you're busy but PLEASE come away with me! You, me, no kids... the race will be a buzz and I'll have you too - that couldn't be more perfect!"

What I describe is many people's normal.

I would dump his sorry arse for saying a was a fucking RESPONSIBILITY?!!!

That would make a perfectly valid item of "unreasonable behaviour" on a divorce petition you know.

Lolliew Tue 30-Jun-15 07:38:51

Thanks for all your words of wisdom, I didn't really sleep again last night, I'm a wreck emotionally, I'm hanging on on the outside so that the kids are not aware but it is hard.

I was in bed at 8 last night so I could think through again, I can't imagine life without him in it. He is genuinely a great man and I do think that this was a mistake that he didn't really mean to make, but it has made me feel like my life is a complete fraud.

I have spoken those words to him about the race, going away without the kids etc, that is when he said he wouldn't book it to go. It feels as if he only wants to go if he goes alone.

How can you love and hate the same person at the same time?

Cabrinha Tue 30-Jun-15 07:43:22

When you love what you had, and love the idea of what you wanted to continue to have. But hate the disappointment that he has become.

TheStoic Tue 30-Jun-15 10:10:36

He has emotionally detached from your marriage, OP. His heart is not in it, and neither is his head.

Your only hope is to shock his head out of his ass. Make him truly believe he has lost his lifestyle as he knows it. If it doesn't wake him up, at least you will be moving ahead with your own life.

DorisDazzler Tue 30-Jun-15 13:05:59

I'm sorry your so hurt Op , but an affair is not something that happens by accident. It wasn't a mistake that he didn't mean to make. Cheaters actively make the decision to cross the line. Something that really bothers me about this is your husbands very casual attitude about the whole thing.

The foreign race is a major concern. He wants to go but has made it very clear he doesn't want you there. He would rather not go than have you there. I'm sorry to say it's obvious he wants his privacy. He has plans that week that don't involve you. This issue , along with his token efforts , would suggest to me that this affair is still going on.

In your shoes I would take steps to discover if this is the case. He wouldn't be the first cheater who has took things underground.

Jan45 Tue 30-Jun-15 13:13:07

He definitely is not a great man, had an affair with your friend, that's the lowest of the low, the reason you feel shit is because he's not really proved to you that he can actually be trusted and is continuing to breed that mistrust in you, personally, I'd cut my losses and look for a happy life with myself, instead of looking over my shoulder at what he's up to next.

Jan45 Tue 30-Jun-15 13:13:35

And sorry OP but no way was it NOT sexual.

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