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Husband wants the jet set lifestyle?(69 Posts)
Hi All ,
I wanted to get some advice on whether I am being oversensitive and hormonal, or if my hormones and intuition are right.
I met my DH 4 years ago at a party, we were both living the single independent life, him with an excellent career in Investment banking and a bachelor lifestyle, my less so great but years being single and independant. When we met we both gave up this lifestyle and many of our single friends dispersed, but we stayed friends with couples, and settled in to a different lifestyle. Sadly, DH lost his Job, and didn't work for 2 .5 yrs, but my career picked up and we were still happy during this time.
DH happily found a Job this year and his career has picked up again. At the same time, I became pregnant. We are currently looking for some property in the countryside. We visited somewhere yesterday which is 4 miles from DH new job, however is quite isolated, allbeit beautiful, has a church a pub, no shops, about 10 houses and no public transport. Big change from Central London. However, the house is nice enough
My dilemma is the semidetached house we went to see my DH loves, not due to the house but due to the next door neighbour. He works in Similar field, travels frequently, in to sport, but what concerns me is that he is a bachelor and from meeting him I get the impression he lives a certain , womanising party jet set lifestyle and I recognise it well because my DH used to do it.They spent 2 hrs chatting yesterday and got on incredibly well. He is charismatic, fun, a real party person. This is what concerns me though.
This guy was saying that he spends alot of time travelling abroad to such and such events here and there and is in to such and such and goes to this and that event. DH seems to have a man crush which I understand. He himself hasn't been able to do these things for the last 2 .5 yrs due to lack of work, and his friends are all married. Now he has the job, the money, but he also has a wife and and child on the way. I am not sure if he is thinking about that though. He is thinking about all the possibilities with this guy of the things he can do. I feel I am going to be stuck on my own in a place with no friends in the area or company whilst my DH travels to Monaco etc etc.
My hormones/ intuition are screaming NO NO NO , but I am not sure if it is because I am pregnant, or insecure because I am pregnant and am going to need my husband through this pregnancy and my intuition is telling me if we live next door to this guy this is not going to happen. I keep telling myself my DH is sensible and is completely different ( as I am) now. I tell myself he cares about me and will obviously not do anything to hurt me. However, I understand very well the temptation of this lifestyle . Very well. I just feel we need to be more sensible and take less risks at this time and think about our baby. Maybe this is unrealistic though and I am being needy?
Am I being insecure and unreasonable? Please be honest.
I thunk if you like the house and neighbourhood then you should take it . It's good that your husband has someone he will get long with and I think once settled and the novelty wear off, he'll be back to normal (the new normal)
Difficult one but I probably would look for a house elsewhere, I'm sure there are plenty of similar properties elsewhere?
I would go with your instincts, they are there for a reason. Many people who make decisions they later regret say they wish they had listened to their instincts. Keep looking for a house.
You're worried you'll 'lose' your husband to a man he's known for 2 hours?
It sounds like you're being insecure. I mean that kindly.
Really ? A jet setting bachelor lives in a semi in the middle of nowhere ?
Somebody is telling porky pies.
Man crushes never last. It's a fleeting recognition that someone really understands them. He'll get over it.
He's going to Monaco with a man he met for two hours? Is that you or him saying that?
Youve made a conclusion on how this man lives on talking to him for less than a few hours. A lot of people big themselves up when they first meet people prehaps he was trying to impress you and your husband. you've just said that he has a lot in common with your husband who is married with a kid on the way, so what says he actually isn't looking to settle down, muvh like your husband did.
They've met once and spent a few hours talking their hardly bussom buddies are they? They barely know each other! Compared to you who your husband lives with and has seen every day for however long you've been in the relationship.
How do you know it is all true if you have only known him 2 hours, people can spout any old twaddle
AF my DParents live in the middle of nowhere, no shop etc and their next door neighbour has the jet set bachelor lifestyle.
Drives a flash car, always on hols to great places. When he's home, his music is full blast and lots of different women in tow...
let's see if OP comes back and elaborates any more, eh ?
It's possible that the Great Gatsby may be too busy rushing around jet setting to have time for his new next door neighbour anyway... Perhaps slight overreaction?
I think that if your husband is the type to get seduced by the illusion of the so called jet set life style and has the potential to put himself over you and your baby then it won't matter where you life it will probably still happen, have you talked with him about this?
The story of a man who wants to buy a house because he has a crush on the neighbour is so odd I don't know what to make of it.
If you're used to central London, an isolated house in a teeny village where you know no-one is a really bad idea: you will be stuck in the house with your baby, no-one to talk to, not enough people around to make friends, and you'll spend a lot of time driving. Every time you want a pint of milk, some nappies, a mother and baby group, or a GP visit you will have get in the car and take your baby with you.
My ex bonded with our neighbour for similar reasons, but this was a few months after we moved in. We lasted a further 3 years. He eventually emerged himself in a lifestyle incompatible with family life: staying up all night, massive coke habit, prostitutes, porn and the resulting lying and stress. He blamed the neighbour throughout, but of course it wasn't his fault. My ex saw a way of going back and dabbling with his past life and eventually it took over. I knew he had it in him, but thought we were happy enough so family would "win" and he would get bored. He didn't. I now have zero respect left for him and we have been NC for a year.
I don't know what the moral of my story is. I think we are both familiar with the attractions of that type of lifestyle and also it's toxicity. I don't think you can make anyone behave in a certain way, but Id put down some firm boundaries between you as a family, and any moves he may make towards that toxic "glamorous" lifestyle.
I'd also reconsider moving anywhere quite so isolated with a small baby. You could find yourself lonely and bored beyond belief.
I'd trust your instincts. We were in a similar situation. Two DCs later and I am at home in the country while DH commutes weekly to and from his city lifestyle. The lifestyle you had is very seductive (I speak from experience), and I talk to a lot of mums at the school gate who have given it up - some are contented, the majority are not. I wouldn't be too bothered by this specific neighbour but I would worry about the strain this move is going to put on your relationship regardless. Are you planning to work after you have had the baby?
Why leave London for an isolated place then move in a semi? At least go whole hog on this.
Oh and I was going to agree with avocado that this is essentially about fears your husband will be seduced back into his old ways due to his job, and sideline you and your child. If it's not this bloke it will be another. Has that already started to happen?
i think if you are concerned your dh can be so easily swayed you have problems wherever you decide to live.
Perhaps a problem with becoming involved with an investment banker
just tell him to forget it, he's a married man with a family on the way and other man is a batchelor. Tell him his ship has already sailed in that direction.
No, if you are a central Londoner don't opt for an isolated rural house at a time when you may feel vulnerable and alone with a small baby. I moved out of central London when my baby was a few months old and it was a very, very difficult and isolating time. And our village was far larger, with several shops and two pubs and a toddler group and a lot of families. Also, what about your job at the end of maternity leave? How far will you be from it?
The other thing that screams out from your post is that you don't trust your husband, because you think he's going to revert to some kind of international bachelor jet set lifestyle because he has a crush on the next door neighbour. It's not possible for strangers on the Internet to tell whether that's because you are insecure, or because your husband is that immature.
I can't think of anything worse: leaving Central London for a life isolated and on your own with a new baby. Somewhere you have to get in the car and drive for miles to do absolutely anything. Where is your new circle of friends going to come from? Mother and baby group 25 miles away, church? Forget it. A small market town, maybe.
The possible new neighbour and his jet-set lifestyle rubbing off is a red-herring.
Assuming your husband is that easily swayed by whoever he comes into contact with, I think your chief concern should be to maintain your economic independence after maternity leave. You would be in a hugely vulnerable position economically dependent on someone you think is liable to revert to type.
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