Disappearing act

[Dexter2012]

Been with Dh for 6 years-2kids- try to keep it short. He is aloof and sometimes detached- very moody- often can just tell by looking at his face when he's not happy- yet he will deny this when asked and just switch off from me and the kids. he drinks heavily sometimes which I think contributes to his mood swings. Every few months or so we will have a row resulting in him walking out for few hours. Well last night he walked out - stayed out and returned today @ 3pm. He said he slept in the car didn't want to talk about it and wanted to sleep. I said if he wasn't prepared to talk about it he should go. He had a proper little tantrum storming upstairs saying you have said it now I will go and you will never see me again. Throwing stuff in the bag only to return 3 hours later as he couldn't find anywhere.

I am exhausted as have not slept- he was due to look after the kids today so I could work I had to call in sick as I didn't want to involve anyone else into the drama as too why he wasn't around. I am so tired of all the stress of wondering when his next drama is going to be when he's going to disappear for the night again. I know I can be nagging and insecure and myther him to the point that he just feels he can't do anything right.

I just don't know if I can carry on- he takes on board the issues when he dissapears and the damaging effect it has but continues to do it knowing how upsetting it is and just increases my insecurities and worsens my interrogating / nagging nature.

I guess I am just sounding off really as I can't seem to fathom how Friday we were getting on ok and fast forward to today and I am asking him to leave considering life as a single parent wondering if this really is the right thing to do.

In the early days he left me by just clearing out his stuff one day when I was at work. So a lot of my issues stem from that. Whilst we sorted that out at the time and decided to try again- fast forward to now 2 kids later and his disapearing acts only undermines my trust. thanks if you have got this far I reading sorry for the rant. Any support appreciated. :)

[tallwivglasses]

He's done a great job on you, hasn't he, OP? He fucks off on a whim leaving you as the default parent because of your 'nagging' and 'interrogating' nature. Don't you realise it doesn't matter how sad it makes you feel? You just have to be happy for him to do what the fuck he wants and then he won't have to keep punishing you and the dc. Simple

[blueberrypie0112]

Sounds like my dad. Except he is an alcoholic and liked to drink alone especially in his truck.

[blueberrypie0112]

(He spend all night in his truck -drinking)

[Mom2K]

You get a great big LTB from me. My ex was like that too (minus the drinking). You will never be able to trust this man when his nature is to run and punish you the moment something occurs that he doesn't like.

This isn't great for your LO's to grow up with either - there shouldn't be someone in the home setting that kind of example. You and your LO's would be better off just the three of you

[LaiLoo]

What are the rows about that cause him to leave?

[blueberrypie0112]

Dunno. But i do know that staying out all night is common for alcoholics.

[Jan45]

Nothing will change OP until he takes full responsibility and that doesn't look likely, he is treating you terribly and clearly has a drink problem. You will just go around in circles until you put your foot down, he certainly won't change anything.

[Jan45]

I'd be saying if you want to continue acting like a single guy and check out of family life, there's the door, bye, bye.

[pocketsaviour]

only to return 3 hours later as he couldn't find anywhere.

He obviously didn't look that hard...

This sounds like a relationship which has run its course. I am concerned that these disappearing acts and sulky silences will be affecting your DC. It must leave them very insecure if they think daddy could just walk off at any moment? (I am sure you try to shield them from what's happening, but kids do know when things are wrong.)

[Dexter2012]

Thank you for the comments it appears obvious when I read the replies but head feels like scrambled egg when I'm in it. The rows generally centre around three things- money- drinking and him staying out. i have been doing some reading and wonder whether I have some co-dependant tendencies which has meant the dysfunctional situation has just festered unresolved. He makes all the right noises but his actions appear to be the opposite. I have bee through some shitty relationships which in itself might say something. But this is the first time I have had kids to think about. Wondering how to handle it. They are 3 and 1. He has been ringing constantly he just turned up on the door step asking why I'm ignoring his calls. Said just need some head space make sense if things. Then just stood there for 5 minutes saying nothing not sure if he was expecting me to ask him in. Didn't know wtf to say to him I am exhausted my head can't take any more.

[Lambzig]

OP, if nothing else it's a very anxious way to live your life.

I had two relationships with what I term 'bolters'. It's very stressful. When life gets difficult, or if there is confrontation, they bolt. You spend your life chasing them or living in fear of them bolting again.

My ExH was a bolter, he would always threaten to go if X,Y,Z happened. Eventually he made up something I was supposed to have done, destroyed my belongings and left. Best thing ever for me, although I didn't see it at the time.

Please don't appease him, he is too selfish. Get angry about how he can do this to your DC.

[Dexter2012]

Thanks lamb sounds like you have been there. Was your exh ever remorseful afterwards promising to fix up- that's where mines at the moment. Feels bit like Groundhog Day. :)

[SolidGoldBrass]

At the moment you are in the position where the decisions seem to be all in his hands. The best thing you could possibly do is reclaim the right for you to decide what happens, by telling him that he's dumped and not welcome back.

I would suggest getting some advice from Women's Aid etc about how to keep him out of the house or at least put yourself in control of whether or not he is allowed in the house - depending on whether you own or rent and whether the mortgage/tenancy is in joint names or not, you may just be able to lock him out, but you may have to take steps such as getting a court order to bar him from the property. Also, you will need to find out about things like maintenance and benefits once the relationship is over.

But you can't go on like this, subject to the whims of a selfish, abusive alcoholic, and nor can your children.

[Lambzig]

Dexter, yes he was remorseful, although it was always my fault - something I had said had driven him to it etc, etc. Remorse is no good if the behaviour doesn't change.

It got to the point where I had to call him a few times a day while at work to make sure everything was ok. I would be scared going home every night in case he had gone. One day, Valentine's day for maximum impact, he emptied our bank accounts and left for good.

I completely understand that feeling of powerlessness and waiting for them to make the decisions.

I didn't have children with him, which would have made it so much worse.

SGB is right, this is abusive behaviour and you need to get the decision making back and think about what you want. You might need help, I never managed to get out until he decided (oh for Mumsnet back then).

[Dexter2012]

I find myself yet again in the same position again. He's disapeared again after I asked him not too this time to get some wine. That was an hour ago. He has illness in his family which he can't deal with as he is particularly close to them is his defence this is how he's copes. We've had words all week about how we need to find s different way of dealing with things as I can't cope if he runs out like this when ever things get difficult. Even to the point of him sleeping on the floor. He sucked it up and said what ever it takes he doesn't want to lose his family. said it's all he knows how to deal with things when they get difficult. Then acuses me of being unsupportive because all I do is rant at him when he's back. All I see is red as he's just plain ignoring me and his family and not talking about things. Low and behold today he spoke to his family earlier. We bickered over something insignificant I fell asleep as he was cooking then he ate without waking me up. Stupid really then he said he was going out to get wine I asked him not too said he wouldn't be long and hasn't come home again. He knows this will take us to the brink of splitting up and he's done it again not even 2weeks after the last time. Hither phone all was to say they are stopping chemo. He said it in passing as if it was nothing I should have realised he was struggling instead feeling pretty shitty as I moaned about food I stead. Now he's ignoring all my calls and texts to come home.

[Dexter2012]

Oops meant to say his family called him earlier to say about chemo.

[Jackw]

Stop calling and texting. You know he'll come back when he's punished you enough/drunk enough because he always does. When he does he'll need to sleep it off. Once he's sobered up/slept it off, tell him you've had enough and he needs to sort himself out. I don't understand all the chemo stuff but whatever, this can't go on. AA, counselling, splitting up, whatever it takes, this has to be the end of this nonsense.

[AnyFucker]

Well, he's not going to stop is he ?

make your mind up time....

[Dexter2012]

Thanks j w his relative is having chemotherapy I have stepped away from the phone. It just infuriates me so much I find it hard to empathise with what's going on with his family. When he carries on like this.

A.F guess your right silly of me to think this will change.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Do you know the relative in question? Did you know that this relative was unwell? If not, then this knob could be making the whole thing up in order to scare you again.
If he has previously mentioned that the relative is ill, have you had any previous reason to believe that it was someone he particularly cared about?

This man is a wanky drama llama as well as an alcoholic, so he might well have a relative who is ill/dying, but it might be Great Uncle Herbert who he hasn't seen for 15 years and didn't much like anyway - just a good excuse for another flounce out to the pub where he can sit and moan with all the other smelly failures.

[Dexter2012]

its his gran who practically raised him at one point in his life ( she has had a stroke) his uncle has chemo he's not so close too him. the last f-ing thing I feel is sympathetic when he buggers off!!!! And then we end up arguing as I come across as cold and heartless. I have simply told him I couldn't spend another 5 years like this- loved ones are going to pass at some point and that I didn't think I could go through him doing a bunk like this every time there's a bit of stress. Plus I asked him to scale the drinking back which he was doing. And seemed sincere in trying to communicate. It takes nothing for me to start questioning thinking there's something more to this than someone Going through loss.

[paxtecum]

I agree it seems to be an over reaction to be upset about an Uncle's illness.
I had nine uncles and there is one left. Of course, it's sad but life is also about death. It's a natural progression.

[Thingymawotsit]

I know how difficult this is, and how much you want to believe that he really will change next time, when he realises just how serious you are about leaving... But he won't, because he'll keep having plausible excuses as to why he's so stressed, and he'll make out you're an evil person to not support him when he needs it, so you won't leave, and he knows it, then you're back in the vicious circle.

My ex did this while I was pregnant. Used to go out and just disappear, or be on his way home from work and just not turn up. He always had a plausible reason, I didn't always believe him, but was completely guilted If I questioned him. It ended with him clearing out my bank account for his drinking habit. I left with my 12 day old baby, and haven't looked back. It is an amazing feeling to not have to be on edge wondering when he's going to just not come back, leaving you worrying that they're in a ditch somewhere.

If this twice in two weeks is too much for you, which it should be, do seriously look at Women's Aid, and make your plans to leave/get him to leave. You and your children deserve stability, you won't get that from him.

[Dexter2012]

My thoughts too Pax thing is I have to face the reality that I just don't think he has any investment in changing as it means taking responsibility and atm he seems to think I am the one being unreasonable as I tear strips off him for doing a bunk rather than 'understanding' how upset he is about seeing his gran deteriorate (strike) and his uncle suffer. !!! Whereas he says I myther him to the point that he feels can't do anything right. he is a typical bloke doesn't talk feelings. Avoids confrontation like the plague.

[Dexter2012]

Oops meant his grams had a stroke