Love Bombing...Is it a reason to worry, Red Flags ?

[gottafindaman4yagirl]

Sorry if this is long, Need advice please. From my description of a man I have started dating someone warned me about Love Bombing.
Google it and its not good, possible psychopath or controlling person.

The man I have been dating I knew from online dating but never met for a date, by chance we ended up at a bar and instantly recognised each other. Didn't talk at bar but he chased me down online and the flattery began. Quickly set up dates and he is constantly texting, offered to help me with some problems I had going on. He tells me constantly that I'm beautiful, all he wants in a women. He text that he's missing me, wants to be with me.
We DTD on fourth date and all went well, he asked me to be his girlfriend. He has been suggesting it from early on but I told him it was too soon to really know each other.
He says he already feels very close to me already, I have not been able to buy all he says.
I grew up with verbal abuse and was made to feel worthless and unwanted up until I left home. Due to this I have built my own self confidence and don't let other people's criticism get into my head.

I was worried I was being too hard on the man in question because of my lack of being able to except or need compliments. Its only how I see myself that matters to me.
I have challenged him quite a bit on his ott comments, he said I was photogenic, perfect and could be a model. I told him I was not happy with comments like that. He apologised, I told him early on I thought he was a player and just flattering me to keep me hooked. He said he's just a nice man and thinks the world of me, wants to be with me and get to know me.

My family think he's just very nice and for once I should except such attention.
He works and I know where, he has access to his children regular, if he was a controlling bad man would two ex partners allow him access.
He's calm around me, acts like a gentleman opening doors, kissed my hand and is very touchy feely person. Compliments my clothes and tells me I'm beautiful when were together.

I do sometimes think someone will jump out with a camera and its all been a wind up.
What Red Flags do I need to take notice of?
Anyone had a man act like this and actually turn out to be a genuine man and relationship material?
All advice welcome.

[gottafindaman4yagirl]

To add I have only known him for 3 weeks, had four dates all in the daytime.
Have a date today.
Any specific questions I should be asking this man?

[FunkyBoldRibena]

OTT.

Can you be a little busy over the next fortnight and see how he reacts? What happens when you say you are out with friends/busy with family et etc.

Personally I'd be running after 'photogenic, perfect and could be a model.' Yuk.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

I wouldn't ask questions, answers to questions mean nothing. It's behaviour that counts.

[countfuckula]

He sounds needy. Tell him to google lovebombing & that you need him to back off.

[perfectpeach]

all that after only 3 weeks?!

I escaped a controlling bully a couple of years ago, I had never heard of red flags until I left him and discovered Mumsnet and then Lundy Bancroft, I wish I had.

You don't know why his ex's allow access, maybe he hurt them but not the children or maybe behind the scenes he bullies them into giving access.

My ex came across as the nicest man in the world to everyone else, he was adored by his family and friends. When we first met he lavished praise, attention and gifts on me. Weekends away, expensive meals out etc as soon as he had me hooked though, he changed rapidly.

I don't know the guy you know obviously, but from my experience and what you have said, loads of alarm bells are ringing.

The biggest thing is, already after only three weeks things don't feel right to you and you are having to ask him to check his behaviour. Listen to your gut. Things aren't right here

[CogitOIOIO]

The specific question is the one you should be asking yourself and it's 'am I comfortable with his behaviour?' .... because everyone is different and the most important person's opinion in any situation is yours. Not your family and not MN. If you have told him you're unhappy with the way he is acting and he carries on regardless then that's not someone who is showing respect for your feelings.

You mention in passing that he has children with two ex partners? (hope I'm reading that right).... He may just be unlucky, of course, but that doesn't sound like someone who exercises good judgement.

[gottafindaman4yagirl]

Funky I have said no to a couple of dates due to doing stuff with my kids and family. He reacted fine and wished me fun.
Because I have children I am very cautious and wouldn't let anyone around them that I didn't trust.
He did mention us seeing more of each other once we meet kids.
No way will any man I date meet my kids untill I have known them for more than six months and I was 100% sure of the man.

[gottafindaman4yagirl]

He's only been single 6 months, it took me six months after the break up of my 12 yr marriage to get myself sorted out.
It does take me a while to warm to people, he did stop the comments I wasn't happy about.
Regarding the ex partners, he does have sexual anxiety. I thought maybe that was a reason for relationship breakdown.
I ended my marriage due to the sexual chemistry disappeared and exh withholding sex.

[LosBreakingBad]

I think you know deep down that this isn't right. I've had previous relationships like this, and felt suffocated. I got out ASAP.
The fact that he has regular access to his kids is irrelevant IMO. A court could have ordered the contact, whether ex partner wanted it or not.
I think you should chalk it up to experience and move on.

[Jingalingallnight]

I find this a lot when you meet someone for the first time. It can be put down to excitement and enthusiasm a lot of the time. After a couple if months, reality often sets in and if it's not meant to be the cracks begin to show.

Just back off a bit, keep it light and casual. You are obviously on your guard. I would give him a chance.

[DontWorrryBaldrickHasACunningP]

You feel uncomfortable, that's the only red flag you need.

He could be genuine and just be incredibly needy or he could be love bombing you, it doesn't matter all you really need to know is you are feeling uncomfortable and having doubts. If you feel this way after only three weeks and a few dates then he probably isn't the guy for you.

[SanityClause]

Just take the whole thing at your own speed, and don't be rushed.

If he is trying to sucker you in, only to change once you have made some kind of commitment, (like introducing him to your DC, for example) then taking things slowly will mean he doesn't get to do that. He'll get bored, and go on to the next likely victim.

If he is just a lovely person, and really does feel very attracted to you, he will be happy to wait for as long as you need to feel sure.

I have to say, it all does seem a bit full on for someone you've known only 3 weeks. Do be very wary.

[CogitOIOIO]

Yes, he sounds anxious all round. Post (at least) two failed relationships he could simply be keen not to cock things up and overcompensating as a result. However, you have to trust your own judgement, set your own standards, and if you are uncomfortable with this person in any way whatsoever ... and it doesn't have to be something you can put your finger on, a bad feeling is enough..... then part ways rather than feeling obliged to keep him in your life. His anxiety is not your problem.

[Redtartanshoes]

I was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt until you said 3 week and 4 dates . Jeez I was expecting you to say 3 or 4 months! Far too much far too soon. Red flag.

Advise I read on here which makes sense.. If someone is telling you they are controlling/a twat then listen to them.

He's telling you

[ConfusedNC]

A friend of mine started seeing someone or at least tried, not sure they even had a proper date in the end. I remember saying to him, this shouldn't be hard work. First few weeks should be fun easy bit!

If you're feeling uncomfortable then listen to your gut instinct. It's there for a reason.

[CogitOIOIO]

BTW does 'sexual anxiety' = crap shag?

[YoullLikeItNotaLot]

I'm always suspicious of grand gestures and over the top declarations. Trust your instincts.

[Frecklefeatures]

First time poster, long time lurker. My (now) husband was like this at the start of our relationship, and still is. I also thought 'player' and was very mistrustful. I had been single for years after being in an abusive relationship and couldn't cope with someone being so complimentary/nice.

The way I dealt with it was to ban him from projecting about our future any further than a week - talk about events months away freaked me, this way I didn't let things escalate beyond 'short term' until it felt right. There are just some genuinely nice men out there, if you have a history of being around ones who aren't it's hard to not be suspicious.

My husband still says lovely things every day after 2 years together, I'm still rubbish at taking compliments! It helped me to judge him by how he was to family (great relationship), strangers (lovely/polite), when he was driving (no 'road rage'), his ex (polite) and his kids (close/lovely). Still be cautious as it's early days, but I wouldn't say dismiss yet.

[simontowers2]

There should never ever be so much angst in a relationship so early on. Something seriously not right with this guy, it's obvious.

[FolkGirl]

Could you be a model? Because that's something with fairly measurable parameters. If not, then he's full of shit.

To be honest, I wouldn't like any of the stuff you're talking about.

How old are his children? What were the timescales for him having children with the first ex before leaving and moving into the second?

I was also a bit surprised to read it was only 3 wks.

I know you know that this is potentially wrong, and that you're only checking because you're not sure you trust your instincts and your thoughts are being clouded by what other people are saying...

But if it doesn't feel right to you, then it isn't right for you.

[BuzzardBirdRoast]

That's what I was thinking Cogito...IME "crap shags" have compensated with OTT attentive behaviour.

[BertieBotts]

Yes this is a red flag. And don't tell him to google it - never a good idea to let someone like that know you are onto them.

A good test - try to work in casually to conversation "but who knows if we'll still be together in a year's time" or something similar which alludes to the fact that you haven't been seeing each other very long and still might well break up.

If he freaks out and gets upset, run. If he acknowledges the possibility but is a bit :( about it, OK. But you'll be able to see how much he's invested into this relationship already. Too much is a red flag because it means he's not really comfortable to be in a relationship, he's just scared of being single.