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My boyfriend said I'm not very empathetic to his needs

(192 Posts)
toomanybooksnotenoughspace Mon 01-Dec-14 08:35:37

Me and my boyfriend went away for the weekend. On the journey back home yesterday (which was an approximately 2 and half hour drive which he did) he complained of being tired and bad back etc. We stopped off at a service station so that he could get 5 minutes kip because he felt he might fall asleep at the wheel if he didn't. I told him I would pop to the loo and did he want a coffee/sandwich etc. I went to the loo first, then went and got him a coffee. The lid was not put on properly and spilled hot coffee all over my hand so popped into the bathroom again to run cold water over it. Anyway when I got to the car he was really annoyed asking why I had taken so long so I explained that there had been a queue at Starbucks and also that I had spilled hot coffee all over my hand so wanted to run cold water over it. He then said that he didn't want it as it been into the ladies bathroom and therefore it was unhygienic. I told him that I had not been to the loo, only to wash my hand and it had only been near the sinks etc. He was going to throw it away but I told him no, I had just bought it for him so he should drink it- which he did. He didn't say thank you for the coffee and only asked if my hand was OK until later on.

Anyway we start our journey again and he complains of a bad back, to which I start rubbing his back and he asks for a massage when we get back. I say yes, I can give you a massage. He then has a go at me for not offering one first saying that he always offers to give me a massage and that he should not have to always ask for one. I tell him I was going to offer anyway but he got there first and he said he didn't believe me. He says this is further evidence of me not being very empathetic to his needs.

He had been in a grump earlier after we had had quite a long walk near where were staying. We had for most of the walk walked together, chatting etc but on the final leg to the car park we had to go up a narrow winding roadside which made it difficult to walk side by side. I ended up walking a bit in front of him and this upset him because it made it look like we might of had a falling out. He had a go at me because he had mentioned this before in previous walks and that I should remember this.

He had been unwell last week with a D & V virus. He said that I was uncaring towards him because I did not offer to come round to look after him, bring him food/medicines etc. I have a 3 yo DD who I look after full time on my own and it would be quite a slog for us to get to his from where we live. Also he described his illness to me and I thought I don't want to run the risk of either of us catching it so didn't offer. But I think I got the tone from him when I spoke to him when he was ill that it would be best for us not to come.

I know this is all quite petty but it is not out of character for my boyfriend of 8 months to be like this. It irks me because I don't like the accusation that I am unempathetic towards him as he often does things repeatedly that get on my nerves which I tell him all the time. He complains if I seemingly don't help him - but doesn't remember all the times I have done nice things for him like offering massages in the past if he's had a bad day, or helping him tidy the kitchen, cooking for him, looking after him after a recent operation etc.

He will often get annoyed if I haven't done something he needs help with. I told him that I am not a psychic and that sometimes he needs to ask, otherwise I won't know. Also usually when he does 'ask' if comes out all angry and hostile which makes me not really want to help. For example I didn't like the feeling of 'having' to give him a massage. I otherwise consider myself to be reasonably helpful in that I will help/offer to help if I can see something needs doing.

Sorry this is so long, its just its weighing on me and also would like some MN views on who is being unreasonable.

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 01-Dec-14 08:38:39

Gosh how very dull.

You know you don't have to be in a hostile relationship? It is all about him, it would seem.

Get another boyfriend.

SolomanDaisy Mon 01-Dec-14 08:38:48

He sounds tedious.

pinkfrocks Mon 01-Dec-14 08:40:15

sorry but he sounds pathetic. Me and my DH often do a journey twice that length - and he does that often in a working day too- and never complains once!

I think you ought to get shot of him. He sounds spoilt, entitled and a whinger.

If he wants a mum he ought to be living at home still because he sounds like a selfish teenager.

Don't tell me he's over 25 because he sounds about 15!

gamerchick Mon 01-Dec-14 08:40:29

He sounds like a whiny needy baby.

Don't have babies with him.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 01-Dec-14 08:44:59

Time now also to raise your relationship bar a lot bloody higher than it has been because it is too low with this person being the result. He is also no decent role model of a potential stepfather figure to your 3 year old either.

What do you get out of this exactly?.

This is really a horrible relationship of 8 months standing. Time to bin this idiot now before he drags you down further with him. He's absolutely awful to you and cares not a fig about you, he is just projecting his own feelings onto you.

And the last thing you needed was to give him food and medications if he had a D & V virus. He sounds like he simply wants someone else to carry on where his mother left off.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Dec-14 08:46:41

He doesn't want a girlfriend he wants a nanny/nurse/masseuse and general ego-propper-upper. Stop pandering to the ridiculous little man. Find a grown-up to go out with.

NoArmaniNoPunani Mon 01-Dec-14 08:48:24

Relationships should be more fun than that. Ditch him

LineRunner Mon 01-Dec-14 08:48:57

The D&V thing is pathetic. I had it last week and no way was my OH allowed in the house, let alone anywhere near me. He didn't need to get it, nor did his kids need the grief of it.

I would rethink this relationship, OP.

brokenhearted55a Mon 01-Dec-14 08:49:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CocktailQueen Mon 01-Dec-14 08:49:36

Second all the replies here, esp. Cog!

8 months is still the honeymoon period of a relationship - things should be FABULOUS. It doesn't sound like they are, plus you have a dc to think about.
Sorry, OP, but he sounds like a spoiled whingey baby.

He's a selfish, self-centred twat.
Dump his sorry arse before you get dragged into an abusive relationship that you'll have trouble getting out of in a few years when he's ground your self-confidence into the dust.

Headgone Mon 01-Dec-14 08:52:04

What a big baby.

Let him see if he can find someone else to put up with his whinging and moaning (his mother ?)

BeeOrchid Mon 01-Dec-14 08:53:41

This relationship has red flags all over it. Your bf sounds entitled and selfish. Any reasonable man would say "Stay away for a bit while I get over the d&v, I don't want your dd catching it."
The footpath thing is the kind of petty behaviour which has you walking eggshells eventually, wondering what ridiculous thing he'll take exception to next.

This guy is bad news for you and your dd. It's easy to walk away after 8 months. I'm divorcing a man who started out like your bf. it's now 20 years later. Wish I'd recognised a red flag when I saw it 20 years ago.

He damaged my DCs, which is why I'm posting on your thread.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Dec-14 08:54:46

"Also usually when he does 'ask' if comes out all angry and hostile which makes me not really want to help"

NEVER entertain 'hostile and angry' people in your life. Hostile and angry people will always find something to be hostile and angry about and, if there's nothing obvious, they'll create some kind of imaginary wrong so that they can stay hostile and angry. It's called bullying

More red flags here than May Day at home with the Lenins......

Fairylea Mon 01-Dec-14 08:56:06

8 months of this? Life is too short. You should be all hearts and flowers and thinking the sun shines out of his arse at this stage.

Get rid. You can do much better.

NeedABumChangeNotANameChange Mon 01-Dec-14 08:56:22

Doesn't sound abusive to me just very pathetic and boring.

AnyFucker Mon 01-Dec-14 08:57:00

Are your standards so low that you think this tedious little twat is worth your time ? confused

HadleyHemingway Mon 01-Dec-14 08:58:13

Are you going out with my ex?

Or maybe you've just landed yourself with a depressingly common or garden manchild prick.

Either way, I really can't see whats so great about this guy. He sounds like boring hard work and it won't ever get better.

People like him get a kick out of making you feel the way you're feeling now.

The whole point of his behaviour is to make you feel the way you're feeling now.

So you could tie yourself in knots trying to keep him happy but he'd always find another angle and another way to kick you into submission.

This is as good as it gets. Nice honeymoon period huh?

Honestly? It's only been 8 months, I'd fuck him off now and save yourself any more grief.

FeckTheMagicDragon Mon 01-Dec-14 08:58:24

What do you want? A partner to share your life with? Or another child? A spoilt, whiny child at that.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Dec-14 08:58:48

"would like some MN views on who is being unreasonable."

Given that you're going to get a 100% tsunami of 'he is being unreasonable' responses, why do you think you needed to ask the question? Have you experienced abuse in the past? Is your self-confidence low? Do you believe that women should always please the man they are with?

Why did you think there was a possibility you were the one being unreasonable?

changeshow Mon 01-Dec-14 09:00:03

he sounds a pain in the butt! What exactly do you get from the relationship?

We had for most of the walk walked together, chatting etc but on the final leg to the car park we had to go up a narrow winding roadside which made it difficult to walk side by side. I ended up walking a bit in front of him and this upset him because it made it look like we might of had a falling out.

This is insane. Really why would anyone even imagine that others would even think for a second about two other people on a walk and come to this conclusion. It sounds like he is always looking for an excuse to make you feel bad.

It might affect your self esteem if you stay with him too long. Re-evaluate fast.

Riverland Mon 01-Dec-14 09:00:10

How about showing him this thread. Could be a wake up call for him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 01-Dec-14 09:04:02

Show him this thread and all it will result in is more accusations of the OP being below par. Adding 'disloyalty' to the list of imaginary wrongs. Can you imagine what this arsehole will do with that kind of ammo?

The only wake up call needs to be made by the OP.

justmuddlingalong Mon 01-Dec-14 09:04:34

This all sounds as much fun as toothache. I agree life's too short. What are you getting from this relationship?

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