Help me please, am I being a twonk?

[ToTheWinchester]

Okay, here's the delio...
I'm quite concerned about my hubbys addiction to his computer! Sounds odd right?! Well he's on it at every waking moment and I feel he is missing out on so much. Especially with the kids (he's so far missed our sons first steps and any involvement in choosing and viewing our oldest sons school choices). I put a ban on the PC for a fortnight but he lasted less than 4 hours. He has previously told me he just goes on it to relax after work but I'm not totally convinced
I'm starting to feel like a single parent, I'm doing all housework, grocery shopping, childcare, mums taxi service and general daily events planner! He wakes, heads off to work, comes home and sits on the PC only coming off to use the loo and bedtime. He even eats his tea there!
It wouldn't bother me so much if he could just meet me half way but he's a bit stubborn! Any advice would be great. Cheers en.

[nrv0us]

What is he actually doing on it?

[ToTheWinchester]

Playing a game, chatting to his mates!

TBH I feel he chats more with them than me, I get the "hey babe how was your day" and they get the "dude, you'll never guess what happened at work today" I miss being told what happened at work

[nrv0us]

Well that is absolutely an issue. Have you said it to him in the way you have said it to us? That you feel like a single parent? How about pointing out that one day the kids will be grown up and telling their friends "Yeah, I never really knew my dad. I could describe the back of his head to you, but that's about it."

[nrv0us]

I can imagine few things worse than just that whole Being Ignored feeling. The week-long ban that ended up being 4 hours long sounds especially tough. How were you proposing to enforce/incentivise this ban?

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

He sounds completely addicted!

[nrv0us]

I think you need to be really forceful about it. Your tone in your posts is a little too meek or understanding. Might be time to make it clearer how his behaviour is really affecting you. Then see what he does. Then assess your relationship based on that.

[DorothyGherkins]

My ex was like this. Lived his whole life on line. It took me a while to realise I was superfluous to his needs.

[TheHermitCrab]

You're definitely not being a twonk, but I love that word.

My partner is on his Xbox or Playstation a LOT if he's not working. But always sits with me, eats with me, spends leisure time with me, and always asks if I'm in the house "do you mind if I go on the xbox"...etc

He sounds addicted and ignorant to you (I say ignorant because he's willing to talk to his mates about work...etc) It seems very immature.

Has he always been like this?

[ToTheWinchester]

Yeah I have told him pretty explicitly how I felt and how his ignoring me and the kiddos is impacting their lives which resulted in a loving hubster for about a week which of course was as long as it lasted
I would like to know how to get him off it for longer, not completely as we both use the Internet.

[nrv0us]

It's kind of a faff, but can you arrange to do more stuff out of the house -- go to the swimming pool, have a cheap dinner out, that kind of thing? Swimming is a good one, because you can't even check your phone.

[Only1scoop]

Blimey that would drive me crackers....is he 13?

[nrv0us]

Haha at Only1

Have you ever sat in the same room as him and just logged the hours he spends online, and how he spends them? Maybe if he saw it reflected back at him in black and white it might give him pause? The futility of it all. Or maybe log the time you spend with your kids, and all the stuff he's missing?

Bottom line, no-one ever lay on their deathbed wishing they'd spent more time chatting to their mates online. If he can't see how important his family is, and how important he is to them, then he's a lost cause. (Does he feel important to you? Not to sounds like any of this is your fault, but maybe he feels somehow superfluous? Or at the very least, maybe he feels that you can all get along just fine without him. Are you coping TOO well with his non-presence in the house? I'm not expressing this very well -- I guess I just mean, maybe if you require more of him, he will have no choice but to log off and man up?)

[cheerupandhaveaglassofwine]

Who is the more tech geeky of the two of you ?

Can you program the router that the Internet connection is through to cut off access at a certain time, some of them have quite a lot of options within them as parental controls and password protected so you could limit him to an hour a night and when it stops working just act innocent and say oh well you'll have to spend time with me and the kids now

[ToTheWinchester]

I have tried the whole getting out the house thing, it works well for a while but financially it's draining and totally time consuming with four kiddos (11, 9, 3 and 20months)
Hubby quite often won't want to go where I suggest anyway so that then changes any plans I would have made!

[antarctic]

You are definitely not being a twonk. I think a fortnight ban was unrealistic though. Wouldn't a certain amount of screen free time per day make more sense than a complete ban? Talk to him. Try and find a compromise you can both agree with rather than a 'ban'.

[nrv0us]

Yeah, the 'ban' may have been overkill. Set an alarm clock or whatever and give him an hour or so. Sad that you have to enforce it like that, but might work?

FOUR kids? Wow. He must really love his online mates.

[ToTheWinchester]

Wow I never thought to use the parental controls! Defo trying that. Though I think he is a bit more techhy so he could find a way to bypass it?

[ToTheWinchester]

Log off and man up, love it!

[nrv0us]

Again, sort of sad that you have to 'parent' him through this (parental controls, etc), but it sounds like you have way more parenting experience than he does. Do you sometimes feel like you have 5 kids?

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Twonk
Hubster
Kiddos
Babe
Dude

OP I think I love you. Can I trade places with your DH. I talk like this outside work and my kiddos look at me like

Sorry, no real advice about the computer. Hide the router?

[ToTheWinchester]

Yeah it would seem extreme but I had tried the hour a night PC time but it never worked (before I knew about the parent controls!) I alwas got the "just give me 5mins to log off etc, 2 hours later doing the exact same thing.

The PC is in the main room of the house (front room, living room, sitting room - whatever you wanna call it!) we don't have a dining room so the dining table is in there too.

I don't think there's anyway I could do less, wouldn't that be awful for the kids?

[Squidstirfry]

OP talks australian!

I had one of these, he also internet gambled. Sorry i had to leave him as i was totally pointless in his life...

[ToTheWinchester]

Hearts - thanks! It's just the way it pops outta my head! I don't think I could hide the router, it's connected to the sky and xbox, the kids would kill me!

[nrv0us]

Hm. So he's sitting there in plain sight, just ignoring everyone? How do the kids feel about it? Do they try to engage him, or is he kind of invisible at this point? (I am a guy, and I don't even like to send a text message while my kids are in the room -- makes me feel really uncomfortable, I hate the idea that so many kids are growing up feeling that they are second-place to a screen in their parents' priorities list.)

[SolidGoldBrass]

The trouble is, you can't make a partner obey you. He doesn't want to stop using the computer, so he's not going to. What you have to decide is whether or not you can live with it.