What next?

[Weekonthecheese]

I'm 43. I'm married, not happily, and have three very small children. We've been together for 10 years and married for 9.
When I was 25 I met and fell in love with (S). I adored him, we were together for 4 years, and we split up because I wanted to settle down and get married and he said he didn't. It was a bit on off, he's in the forces and was away a lot, and it was either perfect or awful. The sex was always amazing.
But after we split he met and married someone else and they had two children. I was devastated, but threw myself into my job, moved away and eventually met DH. S got back in touch about 6 years ago and told me he was getting divorced. At the time I was curious but also hugely pregnant and wished him well but left it there.

My marriage is v wobbly I think. My husband has a very low sex drive and isn't interested in fixing the intimacy in our marriage. Despite my protestations he doesn't seem to hear how unhappy I am. He's been for one session of counselling about why he's effectively sexually rejected me for years and in his own way is making some efforts but that's it.
Out of the blue I had an EA with an old boyfriend from college. It was like he flicked a switch in my head which allowed me to feel sexual again. It's ended and is completely over. I was so so shocked that I did it. I was still curious about S though and tipsy one night, emailed him. He replied straightaway to say he was divorced and single, that he regretted ever losing me, he'd married his wife because she was a safe bet, that he'd been a coward and he'd always loved me.
I was astonished, really blown away. I don't know what to think. I loved him with all my heart, and breaking up with him wiped me out. He isn't offering any solutions, he's in the forces and his home is 300 miles away. We've talked for hours over the last few days. He's very contrite and keeps talking about a second chance and how he should have fought for me.
We have agreed to meet for a drink to talk things through further. My head is killing me.
In an ideal world I'd live happily ever after with my husband and kids, but I also wonder is this another chance at the happiness I once had, or even a satisfying sex life. (I've posted on here before about it.)
Please be gentle, I feel like I've been spun round and round and can't think straight.

[CurtWild]

Being as gentle as possible, I would say if you're truly unhappy in your marriage then either end it or attempt to fix it. But whatever you do, don't bring your ex into the mix until you've made the decision to end your marriage as it will only cloud the situation more.

[Dowser]

Curt wild is spot on.

Your marriage sounds as dead as a dodo.

Do yourself and husband a favour and end it.

Then give yourself time to grieve and make adjustments. With every change there is a loss.

Your children will need to get used to the new status quo without immediately bringing another man into the upheaval.

They love their daddy no doubt and as none of this is their fault you are going to have to expect some fall out.

If this relationship ever works out with the rather elusive guy someone has to make the 300 mile move. You and them? Him? Or will it be long distance and you arebackto where you were at the beginning except with three little ones on the mix .

I'm not saying it won't work I'm just saying one step at a time.

Especially if you don't want to lose your children's respect which to me is the most important thing.

[Weekonthecheese]

This was the original thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2159509-Can-this-ever-get-better

[Weekonthecheese]

I know you're right. On the one hand of course I want my marriage to work. On the other I'm knocked sideways by the ex saying all the things I so desperately wanted to hear back then.

[Quitelikely]

I second what others have said if you are torn between two men leave them both and then see where it takes you.

You are a mother of three children now and have different responsibilities to what you had the last time he was in your life.

The life of a forces wife can be a thankless one for many reasons, the deployments, the alcohol, the sleeping around. All these things are quite rife. I'm wondering if he is nearing the end if his service right now?

Anyway watch out being divorced for adultery can be quite humiliating, embarrassing and it's not the sort of thing you any to be confessing to your dc.

Why does you dh not want sex? Apart from that issue are things ok?

[NewEraNewMindset]

Unfortunately that green grass you are looking at is only green at the moment because it's a fantasy. It can turn brown and die in months once reality kicks in.

Let's look at this practically. So you meet you ex and you sleep with him (because we all know this is really what we are talking about here). It's great, amazing, just like the old times - fabulous. Except of course that you have a husband, three children and live 300 miles away from your new man. So I assume you are thinking you will leave your husband and drag your kids 300 miles away to live in quarters with new bloke? So let's assume you do do that. Do you have a support network wherever you plan to relocate to? Would your boyfriend be in this country all the time or does he go away regularly for long periods of time? Might you end up in a position where you are effectively on your own with your kids in a place you don't know with pretty much no intimacy once more.

I think it's really easy to look for a knight in shining armour when we are really unhappy. Sexual reawakening is pretty powerful stuff, lust is a drug but it's also transient which is why relationships built in it tend to break down once the daily grind kicks in.

Your marriage is dead. Work on how to get out and start living independently and then think about finding a new partner who fits into your life and adds value to it. Don't go carting your kids around the country just because you need a sex itch scratched, that's crass.

[Quitelikely]

Ok I just saw your other post. If it was me I would value what you have right now, and work on fixing it.

Sometimes in life we take a compromise for the greater good. That's what I would do here.

Feeling satisfied sexually but losing all the other good things in your life wouldn't be the best way forward IMO.

I realise this might be a rare view.

[Weekonthecheese]

He leaves in Jan and has a job lined up. He's permanently UK based and has been for years.

[Weekonthecheese]

NewEra he has his own house, which we actually bought together when we were together. I have no plans/thoughts about moving there whatsoever.

[CurtWild]

Just had a read through your other thread and I was just wondering something. You say the lack of sex was a problem pre-kids, but has it worsened since all the stress of ivf? If your husband felt he had to 'perform' at specific times, perhaps the necessary pressure there has affected him?

It does sound like you have a huge dilemma here as to whether to work on your marriage or end it, but I still maintain you should give your ex a very wide berth.

[Weekonthecheese]

Quitelikely I think that's what I'm trying to do but this has thrown me, and also to sacrifice a whole part of "me" seems like a high price to pay, especially when I've lived like this for years. It's so confusing.

[Weekonthecheese]

Curtwild IVF and fertility issues can kill a sex life, but our issues pre dated it. He just has a lower drive than me, and his idea of what good sex is, is very limited IMO.

[Vivacia]

I think it's very easy for him to say all the things you want to hear. Funny that his actions don't correlate with his words. Also, he's rewriting history when it comes to why he married and had children with a different woman.

[Weekonthecheese]

How do his actions not correlate with his words? And how is he rewriting history?

[Quitelikely]

I dunno I think this can go: you meet the other guy for sex, the list drives you insane and him and you go back for more. Then get caught.

Or you accept life as it is.

Of course it's exciting with your ex I'm sure lots of sex bored/deprived house wife's would find the idea a little exciting after being with the same person for years but like they say the grass is greener where you water it.

Good luck. Always make your choices with you kids in mind.

[Quitelikely]

Lust not list!

[Weekonthecheese]

I'm not meeting him for sex! Absolutely not. No chance.

[Vivacia]

Does your husband know you are meeting with him?

[Vivacia]

He's re-writing history because he chose to marry and have a family with another woman. Nobody does that because they really love another woman who loves them back and wants to marry them.

[Weekonthecheese]

No Vivacia.

[NewEraNewMindset]

Week it feels to me like your mind is made up and you just want to disagree with people who are posting on this thread.

What do you want people to say? To give you permission to the have an extra marital legover? Personally what you choose to do has no baring on any of our lives and so fill your boots quite honestly.

The only people im interested in are your children, so make sure you do your best by them as you tried so very hard to make them after all.

[Vivacia]

Also, I'd be worried that for a couple of days you've been a bit of titillation in his life whilst, as you say, he's offering no practical suggestions (other than to meet up for sex).

[Weekonthecheese]

We were quite volatile. He said he thought that his now exW would give him a simple ordered life, but he knew he shouldn't have married her. He said he told all this to his best mate - and I'd love to hear from him what was actually said.

[Vivacia]

You're being incredibly unfair to your husband. What's he doing whilst you're spending hours and hours talking to, thinking about and posting about this other man?

You need to do the decent thing and put your husband in the picture. Give him an equal chance. Give him the chance to be with someone who will love and respect him back.

[Vivacia]

Let's just say he's being honest about his reasons for dumping you and marrying her. Would you really want to be with a man like that? Allow him in to your children's lives?