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I don't think this is right? bad is it?

(67 Posts)
Isthisreal3 Thu 07-Aug-14 19:52:41

Wise ladies, I've been a long time lurker but never had the courage to post but I really need some perspective and reality check.

I am sure my DH of 6yrs loves me, myself and our 2 Dd's ( 4 and 1) are his world. However I perceive him to have anger management issues and is most certainly emotionally abusive. When questioned or doubted on anything a tirade of finger pointing, swearing, shouting and irrational reasoning ensues. If I attempt to answer back or stand up for my rights I'm 'being aggressive.' Swearing in front of children, which I am against with a passion, is my fault as I'm making him say those things. He will not let it drop and follows be around ranting. I am intimidated and at certain points scared. These episodes happen regularly every few wks. His mum won't cross him to avoid repercussions.

I'm an adult & I can chose to stay or go ( in theory...I'm too scared) but what really distresses me is that he has no hesitation in behaving this way in front of our girls. My attempts at telling to stop or asking him to leave the room are greeted by 'I'm just the scum of the earth...I may as well go hang myself.' This isn't right, it's against my ideals of the environment in which to raise my children. But am I just precious and unrealistic?

I'm accused of not disciplining our girls; I try but am a softie!! However I hear phrases such as 'your such a bad girl' 'mummy will go away if you carry on like this' 'when daddy's good he's good, when he's bad he's very bad' & threats to chuck all her toys, presents etc out of the window. I am really concerned on the long term impact of this...or again am I precious and over protective?

Another incident happened today & I'm just left wondering how to continue.

He is under immense pressure at work in a life changing way and negative way, so I can without a doubt say he is stressed. However a nagging voice in my head says these outbursts were there before.

Pls give me some honest words of advice...

FrankSaysNo Thu 07-Aug-14 19:56:03

I'm making him say those things

Tell him to fuck off and jump off a bridge. See how far he gets with you telling him to do things.

Get out now. He is abusive. Extremely so.

NorthEasterlyGale Thu 07-Aug-14 19:57:09

Not precious. Not unrealistic. Not overprotective.

He's an abusive bully and you're right to not want your girls to learn that this is how men treat women.

There are no excuses for the behaviours you mention.

I would recommend a conversation with Women's Aid to get advice on securing your future safely, and a swift visit to a solicitor.

Humansatnav Thu 07-Aug-14 19:59:50

He is an arse, does he have difficulty controlling his anger with everyone he meets, or just female family members?

RainbowB7 Thu 07-Aug-14 20:02:43

What the previous posters said.

He sounds horrible OP. You and your dds deserve better. flowers good luck

LuluJakey1 Thu 07-Aug-14 20:07:40

Bully, emotionally abusive and will be affecting your DDs. You deserve better.

My DH has never shouted at me in an abusive way, ever and I never have at him- not to say we don't squabble and have words and disagree and get angry, but never in an abusive way. It is about respect.

You really should not put up with it, you say yourself you are scared. Your DDs must be scared and will also be learning that this is what they should expect in a relationship. He won't change- he has got away with it all his life and it is how he is wired now.

Isthisreal3 Thu 07-Aug-14 20:26:34

Thanks everyone.

It's both with males and females, anyone who doesn't agree with him... 'One king' is his explanation.

We don't go out on family outings as there will always be a problems; girls don't behave well, I've packed too much stuff , no one else behaves like this, we are all 'too high need' ... It all boils down to being my fault . Hence I either take the girls on my own or with a 3rd party peace keeper.

I am absolutely terrified of leaving. He will not let me take the children, he will make my life hell. I would never leave without the children. Bizarrely I know he loves us and his life would be shattered.

How do people find the courage and strength to make that first move?

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 07-Aug-14 20:29:43

I op I shall be blunt but if you don't get your girls away from this they will both be sitting in front of someone like me from year 7 onwards.

Please don't let him do this to them, this sort of thing lasts a life time honest sad and I spend most of my week trying to put these kids back together again.

As for you your. Lovely lady he is a morally bankrupt piece of shit of the highest order.

Please save your sanity and that of your children and get out of there. thanks

OvertiredandConfused Thu 07-Aug-14 20:31:38

He can't stop you taking the children - although ultimately you would need to agree (via court) what contact is right for them. With behaviour like that, I wouldn't want unsupervised access. Remember, a father should be a role model by which his daughter judges men's behaviour.

Please do what's right for you and your DC. If you need support, reach out to Women's Aid or friends.

Humansatnav Thu 07-Aug-14 20:32:19

" One King" ? Bloody hell ! Woman's Aid .

Quitelikely Thu 07-Aug-14 20:33:20

He threatens to hang himself! Making this comment in front of your dc is an absolute disgrace. Why can't he understand the bigger picture and understand he is damaging them beyond repair by saying things like that?

I know you think he has all the power but no he does not. You can take those dc with you and move out. He cannot stop you from going with them (do it when he is out). Believe me he doesn't have any control over you, well except that control which you allow him to have.

If you stay be prepared for your dc to possibly seek out abusive partners when they are older or be one themselves. Being around this type of relationship is exactly the sort of thing what probably made your dh act the way he does.

The cycle just repeats itself. On and on it goes.

Quitelikely Thu 07-Aug-14 20:34:34

And if you go, don't have verbal contact. Keep it to email and text, that way you can show the courts proof of his abuse!

bibliomania Thu 07-Aug-14 20:37:08

Yes, talk to WA. It is possible to leave someone like this.

Love is action, not feeling. He doesn't act in a loving way to you and your dds.

Liara Thu 07-Aug-14 20:40:20

I am very sorry to tell you this, but I think you need to hear it.

My best friend was married to someone like that.

He genuinely seemed like a lovely guy much of the time, and certainly appeared to love her and their daughters.

She was the world's most dedicated mother, and did everything in her power to manage all the situations while protecting her dds.

Roll forward 15 years - she eventually takes a sleeping pill overdose when she can no longer take the emotional abuse any more. Fortunately her 16yo dd reacted in time and she got taken to the hospital in time to save her.

She eventually managed to get the help she needed to make him leave, but by now her 3 dds are profoundly damaged - the eldest has moved away and is in an abusive relationship herself, the second is in a mh institution for self harm issues and the third has just dropped out of school at age 15. Her life is in tatters and she may never be able to repair the damage caused by not leaving sooner.

JeanetteDanielsBenziger Thu 07-Aug-14 20:51:37

One king? Holy shit!

He sounds just awful, get the hell out of there and fast.

JeanetteDanielsBenziger Thu 07-Aug-14 20:54:48

That's how you find the courage and strength isthisreal you read Liaras post above again and again.

You will get amazing support here.

Isthisreal3 Thu 07-Aug-14 21:25:10

Thanks liara for sharing, I needed to hear that to help me believe I'm not over reacting.

I am genuinely shocked and somewhat reassured at the overwhelming consensus that this is not normal and acceptable. I need to dig deep and find the courage to act. I keep thinking next time I won't tolerate it any longer, but always do. The escalation to involve the children is my greatest concern.

He threatened to call the police today as I was upset when he said the children are better without me; and has said he wants a psychologist in the house to witness our family dynamics...they will see that's it's my fault as I'm the mother and should do better. This is all in front of the children.

ilovelamp82 Thu 07-Aug-14 21:36:16

Wow! He sounds like a piece of work. You need to get out. And swiftly. Do you have real life support? Can youand the kids go and stay with your parents until you get ssomething sorted.

I understand in this situation how you can start to doubt yourself but that is only because he has conditioned you so much that he is the voice in your head. You are clearly a brilliant Mum for making sure you ger them out of this situation which will help them learn what is and isn't acceptable so that they can go on to have healthy loving respectable relationships themselves.

When you leave make sure to keep contact in written form but your first port of call is calling Women's aid. They are a font of knowledge in this unfortunate situation.

You are brave and strong. Though it is hard it will alk be worth it and you and your dc will be able to live the life you deserve.

BlackeyedSusan Fri 08-Aug-14 00:46:02

leave. asap. get stuff together secretly and go.

oh and I got the courage from MN when reading other threads and thinking, that was not bad then seeing the outrage from other posters to what I thought was not bad.

RainbowB7 Fri 08-Aug-14 01:40:52

What is one king?!

Chiana Fri 08-Aug-14 05:30:58

LTB for damn sure. What you're describing is abuse. Period.

LoisPuddingLane Fri 08-Aug-14 05:38:51

I'm genuinely shocked that you think this could be normal. Please get away.

KoalaDownUnder Fri 08-Aug-14 05:41:08

Bizarrely I know he loves us and his life would be shattered.

1. No, he doesn't love you. He absolutely thinks he loves you, but he doesn't know how to love normally. He is broken in a fundamental way.

2. Better his life shattered, than yours and your children's. Because make no mistake, those are your choices.

How do people find the courage and strength to make that first move?
They don't. They just DO IT. There's never going to be a 'right time'. You're never going to wake up and think, I'm finally feeling brave and strong enough. I'm not trying to be flippant here, but in all seriousness, you just have to do it.

You can't think clearly at the moment, because you're at the centre of the maelstrom. It's impossible for you to be objective. That's what we're here for, so please listen up:

This man's behaviour is deeply, seriously abusive. There is zero doubt about this. If you stay with him, he will damage your children and stunt their lives and happiness. This has already started, and will only get worse. If you can't find the strength to get out for yourself, do it for your children. You are not overreacting; if anything, you are underreacting. Which is understandable, but it needs to stop now .

Get out.


SignoraStronza Fri 08-Aug-14 06:40:44

Please get out op. I was with someone like this and I didn't realise how much witnessing this sort of thing has affected my dd (2.5 when I left) until we were out of the situation and in the cold light of day.

Try to switch yourself off emotionally from his crap. When my ex threatened suicide I'd say something along the lines of 'off you fuck then. Do it quietly and try not to make a mess'.

He never did of course unfortunately .Those that threaten rarely do!

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 08-Aug-14 06:54:31

Fear of him keeps you within this as well but no man is above the law here and you can all get away from him. Abusive men like him as well often threaten suicide; its also done by them as a means of keeping their victims (the plural is deliberate) in line.

You need to get out before your children and you are further damaged emotionally and perhaps irreparably. You're already being profoundly affected by his abuse of you and such abuse as well can take years to recover from.

Your man regards you and your children as possessions to use as he sees fit; he does not love any of you at all in the usual sense of the word. He feels that you are all there to serve him.

Your children are already being damaged by him and you are certainly being emotionally abused also. This is no marriage for you to remain in.
Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 can help you here, please call them. The first step to leave is often the hardest of steps to take but there is no other option here now.

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