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Shouting and swearing at me again

(66 Posts)
mousebacon Mon 28-Jul-14 23:32:26

H has up'd the ranting this week. Friday night he walked through the door & without even saying hello to me and the dc started shouting about some missing post. Apparently I was 'accusing him of lying to his face' when I asked if the sender had said they had sent it. The shouting and following me around the house (to shout some more) did not relent until I left the house an hour or so later. Both children were in the house.

Tonight he wanted his car's logbook literally as he was about to drive off. He's known he might need it for months but decided he had to have it right now and it was my job to find it. I couldn't find it in fast enough time for him so the shouting and swearing continued etc etc and in the end he left without it - it wasn't essential to have it after all. His father was there, heard everything and said nothing.

Tonight, once he got in, he heated up the meal I had cooked for us all, sat down and started the ranting again telling me it was because of 'my attitude' that he reacts to me the way he does. I have learned to say nothing at all, make sure my face remains neutral at all times or it enrages him further & he'll accuse me of being 'smart arsed' or any number of other things.

I don't even know why I'm posting to be honest, I've been keeping a diary of these things for a while now but I can't get to it tonight - he's gone to bed so I'm on the sofa again.

I have a plan, one more year of childcare fees then he's out of here but, dear God, it's wearing me down. I'm still shaking from earlier and generally fed up with the anxiety of it all. I hate hearing his car pull up outside each night. sad

OiMissus Mon 28-Jul-14 23:35:49

Your life sounds awful.
One year more??! Really? Get rid.

ouryve Mon 28-Jul-14 23:36:12

Can you really live with another year of his abuse? And do you really want the kids to witness it?

What happens if you put your foot down and tell him to take responsibility for his own stuff? More angry words, or worse?

LegoCaltrops Mon 28-Jul-14 23:39:34

He sounds like a total bell end. Have you looked into whether you could afford the childcare fees if you left him? CAB may be able to help, if you have a local one you can get to.

I'm not judging you for not leaving him yet, btw. He sounds like my XP. It took me years to leave & there were no kids involved.

CheesyBadger Mon 28-Jul-14 23:39:41

A year is a long time to a child and a long time to have your self esteem destroyed. Can you really do it?

CheesyBadger Mon 28-Jul-14 23:40:19

I just worry where you will be in a year. You shouldn't have to go through this

mousebacon Mon 28-Jul-14 23:44:45

Thanks everyone. It is totally shit.

I've tried talking to him in calm times, I've tried reasoning with him that the shouting is unnecessary. I've asked him if he shouts at people at work, loads of different angles if you see what I mean? Over the course of years as well....

The reaction is always the same, I'm stupid, ridiculous, turning things around on him when it's my fault, I think I'm perfect etc etc and lots of shouting and temper. I just can't get through to him however I try.

Thank you for the tip about CAB. I've looked at going to relate but he's refused (and refused anger management stuff) says there's no problem and that 'everyone has rows.'

notapizzaeater Mon 28-Jul-14 23:46:47

But you're not rowing - he's shouting at you.

HumblePieMonster Mon 28-Jul-14 23:47:40

Everyone has rows but his behaviour is 'domestic violence' whether he hits you or not. In fact, its typical dv and so is your response, saying nothing, keeping your face neutral.
Please contact Women's Aid and talk to them, and/or your local domestic violence unit.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Mon 28-Jul-14 23:49:20

How old is your child? His shouting and abuse is likely to be very frightening for them. Would it be fair to expose them to this torment for another whole year? I know it wouldn't be fair on you but you have a choice, children don't.

LegoCaltrops Mon 28-Jul-14 23:55:33

This all sounds so familiar.

However, don't let this man manipulate you into thinking it's normal or acceptable - it isn't. A row would be more or less equal, you wouldn't feel afraid of it & constantly fear the next one. You wouldn't feel you had to walk on eggshells all the time & bend to his will, if it was just a row. A row would probably resolve problems, at least sometimes.

And it's not up to him to say it's not a problem. If you feel it's a problem, it's a problem.

mousebacon Mon 28-Jul-14 23:57:24

I've got a 6 year old and a 2 year old.

I feel ridiculous describing it as abusive but when he starts my heart races and I feel sick & shaky. I'm a tough cookie but I really feel like I've had enough now.

I keep stopping myself from asking him to leave because I'd be so much more financially secure in a year's time and I worry about the effect us slpitting up would have on my eldest.

I feel like I fail whatever I decide.

notapizzaeater Mon 28-Jul-14 23:58:50

But the effect currently he's having must be much worse, he sees his mummy getting shouted at and trying to keep the peace at all,costs.

LuluJakey1 Tue 29-Jul-14 00:01:23

Could you record it on an iPad or something without him realising and then let him listen to it when he is calm and by himself?

LegoCaltrops Tue 29-Jul-14 00:06:36

It is abusive. Just because he isn't hitting you, doesn't mean it's not abuse. And I agree, your kids don't need to witness this.

Please contact Women's Aid & the CAB, at least find out your options.

HumblePieMonster Tue 29-Jul-14 00:08:59

He doesn't need to hear it played back - he already knows.

You don't fail, OP. You win, as soon as you no longer need to keep your face neutral and hold your tongue.

mousebacon Tue 29-Jul-14 00:09:27

Tried that Lulu, I've recorded him a few times actually but never been brave enough to play it back to him.

It does help me to listen back and reinforce that I'm not going completely mad!

I'm spending my days 'in training' at the moment - I'm trying to behave as though I am on my own & tackling jobs etc that traditionally I'd leave for him, myself. My own single woman boot camp so to speak. It's strangely theraputic when I achieve something new...spiders still an issue though!

NormaStanleyFletcher Tue 29-Jul-14 00:10:32

Mouse, so sorry you are living throgh this. I don't want to be harsh, but this environment (his bhaviour) will not be doing gkood things to your DC

If there is any way to end it sooner than later then please do.

I am remember ing my parent s arguing and how that used to make me feel.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Tue 29-Jul-14 00:12:59

His shouting at you as soon as he walks in the door will be very frightening to a little two year old, the six year old may have more understanding but could be even more terrified of him because of it. Kids of that age often believe bad things are happening because it's their fault somehow.

If your heart races and you feel sick and shaky just imagine the absolute terror being felt by your poor children.

Being more financially secure in a year's time is likely to be acquired at the most terrible cost, to you but mostly your children.

If there's not a chance that things could be explained to him about what he's doing to the children without an eruption of Vesuvius proportions I think you need to make plans to get out, our get him out. And soon before the damage is irreparable.

Karenthetoadslayer Tue 29-Jul-14 00:14:51

I am really tired and have not read everything, as I am still dealing with the legal aftermath of what you have described in your OP, but you sound like me last year.

Please contact Woman's Aid, they will help you get organised to be able to leave him, but you must have a good plan and get some legal advice too. Family lawyers offer a free initial appointment. This will be an eye opener.

Another year will wear you out - and your children even more.

I wish I could include a recent photo of my now happy children!

Please don't think the children don't notice things - they see everything.

FatewiththeLeadPiping Tue 29-Jul-14 00:19:54

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AveryJessup Tue 29-Jul-14 00:23:49

Honestly? You would be better off putting a year's worth of childcare fees on a credit card and paying it off slowly over the next decade than mentally imprisoning yourself like this for the next year. It's not worth it.

Contact Women's Aid and CAB as previous posters have said. I hope he's not financially abusive as well as everything else so you have access to money and can make a financial plan to get out as soon as possible. You can't live in a constant state of anxiety like that without it affecting your health. And the wellbeing of your DCs.

mousebacon Tue 29-Jul-14 00:25:35

Believe me when I say I understand the damage listening to your parents argue has.

I remember it like it was yesterday sad

Will definately make an appointment for legal advice. I would hope to be able to remain in our family home (and could afford it) so I'd like to check if that would be an option.

Thank you all, again, for your help.

mousebacon Tue 29-Jul-14 00:27:51

Was probably the feeling of worthlessness that led me to marry the first person who told me he loved me to be honest...

mousebacon Tue 29-Jul-14 00:28:36

I was 16 when I met my husband. I'm 33 today. sad

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