Shouting and swearing at me again

[mousebacon]

H has up'd the ranting this week. Friday night he walked through the door & without even saying hello to me and the dc started shouting about some missing post. Apparently I was 'accusing him of lying to his face' when I asked if the sender had said they had sent it. The shouting and following me around the house (to shout some more) did not relent until I left the house an hour or so later. Both children were in the house.

Tonight he wanted his car's logbook literally as he was about to drive off. He's known he might need it for months but decided he had to have it right now and it was my job to find it. I couldn't find it in fast enough time for him so the shouting and swearing continued etc etc and in the end he left without it - it wasn't essential to have it after all. His father was there, heard everything and said nothing.

Tonight, once he got in, he heated up the meal I had cooked for us all, sat down and started the ranting again telling me it was because of 'my attitude' that he reacts to me the way he does. I have learned to say nothing at all, make sure my face remains neutral at all times or it enrages him further & he'll accuse me of being 'smart arsed' or any number of other things.

I don't even know why I'm posting to be honest, I've been keeping a diary of these things for a while now but I can't get to it tonight - he's gone to bed so I'm on the sofa again.

I have a plan, one more year of childcare fees then he's out of here but, dear God, it's wearing me down. I'm still shaking from earlier and generally fed up with the anxiety of it all. I hate hearing his car pull up outside each night.

[SilverSilverSilver]

mousebacon I hope you are doing ok.

I left a ranting, raving, shouting nightmare of a man last year. I'd been with him since my teens as well and I completely recognize all you describe. I would have left far sooner if he hadn't slowly shredded my mental health and self-esteem.

Trust that the financial side of things will work out fine. There is a lot of provision, a lot of help. Yes to CAB or a single parent advisor at the Job Centre (more useful I found). I understand wanting to be as secure as possible, but the children's emotional security has to come first.

I didn't realise how disturbed my eldest child had become until we left. He's so much happier. He still sees us both but there are no arguments. ExH will still try to start arguments with me, so I avoid unnecessary contact with him.

Honestly I can't stress how blissful life is without him. So much easier. Good luck.

[mousebacon]

Thank you

[CharlotteCollins]

I left the family home and rented a new place - my safe haven! It made it easy for the DCs to stay at his, because it's their old familiar home.

He is not a bad dad - I know many people aren't so lucky. He sees the DCs a lot. He's a bit Disney Dad, but the DCs are getting more attention from him than they did before, so I try to switch off from it all. Their self-esteem seems to have improved.

Of course, that's just my situation. The important thing for your boys is that their house would become a place where they were safe from shouting and swearing.

[mousebacon]

That's brilliant Charlotte.

If you don't mind me asking, how are things without him now? Do you feel trapped in the house? How have you sorted child sharing?

H would undoubtedly move back to his mother so Im trying to imagine how that would work for my boys.

[CharlotteCollins]

Oh good, I was going to suggest finding out what benefits you'd be entitled to.

I left my EA H last year - he wasn't shouty but he believed he was always right and had no empathy for anyone who showed themselves to be different from him in any way! For the first few months after leaving, I was amazed at how straightforward the financial side was - I had been trained for years to spend as little as was humanly possible (so all our money could be ploughed into his hobby), so I was naturally frugal but felt that I was rich because nobody was judging my spending!

I do hope you can get out sooner than a year.

[CarryOnDancing]

The effect on your children will be that they can finally relax in their own home. You may think that they don't notice it but watch very carefully, I guarantee the oldest will be adjusting his behaviour to ensure his Dad doesn't blow up.

Your son will be worried about it and hurting for you as well as the fear for himself and the confusion of it.

Stay strong for the final stretch and get them out of there asap!

[mum2bof31986]

I really relate to this but the children's father screams at us and leaves. He doesn't want to live with us. I especially relate to the first person to care for you. I was 16 when i met him aswell. What was your upbringing like? I had alot of issues with being with someone that is emotionally unavailable... He said the right things but never came through. I feel for you. I tried so hard to try every way of supporting his anger problem. Never hurt me (except emotionally) but i would think of different ways of supporting him but none of them worked. He would find a reason to shout and use things he knew would break me. Like my family never came to see me, my mother always lived abroad but he would say.. No wonder your family don't see you, your boring with no personality... It killed me inside. Now in just a shell from the strong independent girl i was.

[mousebacon]

Love that post kernowgal

I've had a quick look online to see what I might get through the tax credit things & if I've done it right I have vastly underestimated the amount I'd be entitled to...very interesting!

I like to speak to a real person to check these sorts of things though so will do that. Unfortunately he's now off work for a week so everything will be on hold again till he is out again.

[kernowgal]

Well you'll have all of us rooting for you. I can't remember if someone else has already advised this but do delete your internet history or use private browsing if you can, in case he checks up on you here.

I hate reading posts like yours because it takes me back to how I was a couple of years back with my ex. I too used to dread the sound of him coming through the door. Never knowing if he would be in a 'good' mood or a shit one. I say 'good' because he could turn on a knife-edge if I didn't react how he wanted to something he did or said.

I also know exactly what you mean about his behaviour killing your love for him. I ended up not giving a shiny shit about my ex, and I think once he realised he had no power over me any longer he gave up and tried to reel me back in with sweet talk and all sorts of crap. That said, the first time I decided to finish things with him, I wrote a letter and went to stay with a friend as I was so scared of his reaction. I also debated calling the police but it felt like it was an overreaction. It wasn't, in hindsight, because he'd escalated his behaviour towards me and was showing signs of physical violence on top of the usual emotional abuse.

I felt sad the night he finally left, and cried briefly. But then my shoulders lifted and I walked down to the shop to buy a nice bottle of wine. A bottle of wine costing a bit more than usual, the kind of purchase he would have chided me for, calling me "extravagant". And I came home and drank it, and posted on here. And it was bloody great. That WILL be you, hopefully a lot sooner than you think.

[RandomMess]

With the changes in childcare provision perhaps far less than a year is doable.

Please speak to womens Aid and get legal advice, there may be the means to leave sooner than you think and still have all your ducks in a row.

[ouryve]

Happy birthday, mouse.

I think you know what your best possible birthday present to yourself could be.

[mousebacon]

Thanks for those tips kickass I'll certainly google safe exits and the book you recommended :-)

He's home now, wanted a hug when he came in & I said no thanks. He said 'what's your problem, everything was sorted last night.'

I didn't utter a word last night whilst he was ranting away. He genuinely thinks that's how an issue gets resolved. More clarity.

Thanks again everyone. I will see if I can get out sooner.

[kickassangel]

Don't try any kind of counseling with him. You are describing the 'perfect' abusive mind set and counseling will just give him further ammunition to throw at you, and hints on how best to upset you.

Lundy Bancroft's book,"why does he do that" is strongly recommended. He is a therapist who has run intervention programs for abusive men for decades. He wrote the book specifically to help abused women to understand their situation and find a safe way out.

It isn't a perfect book, but it is well researched enough that it was required reading on a university course I did recently as part of an MA. It is available on kindle if you don't want a copy lying around.

There are also some good online resources about how to keep yourself and your children safe until you are ready to leave, a nd how to have a safe exit plan. The main thing is to know that you can go if you need to. Have important paperwork ready and a stash of clothes. Do you have a friend who could keep things for you? Somewhere you can keep an emergency fund? That way if things escalate you can simply walk out the door. It can really help you mentally to know you can do that. And it is possible (after legal help and time and money) to get him out of the family home and you and the kids back in. If you need to get out, just go. Keeping yourself and your kids safe is the top priority. Everything else can be sorted out afterwards.

Learning to think and do things independently is really important, so you have made massive strides doing that already.

[Jan45]

He is absolutely vile.

[Finney2]

I feel for you OP. He sounds horrific and I think you should get out of the marriage ASAP.

However awful he is though, it might not be fair on him to let him go ahead with a vasectomy if you're going to leave him. I know it's absolutely not your problem, but he might meet someone else who wants kids. I think you need to leave him before the op. Two wrongs and all that xx

[mousebacon]

Thanks jan

I don't know how else to describe it other than the feeling that he is behind a wall of glass.

He has zero empathy and seems to find it impossible to take on other points of view or opinions. He genuinely believes he is always right and I can literally never have a calm conversation with him.

If I said this to him now he would say 'oh, and you're so fucking perfect aren't you?!'

I don't know if its worth wasting my time with relate because he's killed any love I ever had for him.

[Jan45]

Sorry just getting angry that he thinks it's ok to treat you like this and you seem to be resigned to accepting it.

Is no way to live and you know it. I hope you can actually survive another year of his crap.

[mousebacon]

He is definitely no prize but I want to have all my ducks in a row before finally getting rid of him.

I'm recording the flare ups and the comments so I don't minimize things the way I have in the past. He intends to have a vasectomy before Xmas and my youngest will be out of child care by this time next year. It helps me to have a plan.

Believe me when I say I see straight through him and all his pathetic attempts to shut me and my opinions down. I opt to stay quiet most of the time because it saves the chn from hearing him kick off.

[Jan45]

OFGS, why are you accepting this shit from a horrible, horrible man who is more concerned about his own ego than he ever will for you, seriously OP no offence but if you are allowing someone to disrespect you like that, you cant really complain if you are allowing it, you can actually do something about it, what a way to live, scared to have an opinion - is he that fucken great, that much of a prize, he sounds bloody awful.

[mousebacon]

No, just eBay crap! Obviously the end of the world when something doesn't go his way.

I've just completed another boot-camp job - cutting a huge hedge back that's been bothering me for months. Done and all tidied away.

I've been thinking about last night a lot. His attitude that everything should go his way all the time permeates everything. He thinks people deliberately do things just to annoy him - for example if he's waiting at a junction to pull out he says things like 'he deliberately put his foot down to stop me getting out' his driving is bloody terrifying to be honest. Obviously im not allowed to comment or have an opinion.

I've been told more than once to just 'keep my mouth shut then there won't be any arguments'

Oh God...

[Ivehearditallnow]

Happy birthday!

What's with the post - is he in debt? x

Sounds awful

[Aradia]

You don't have to wait Mouse, a year is a long time when you're being abused. I stayed for my daughter, it was only once I managed to leave that I saw how much happier she was. Being skint for a year is far easier than putting up with his shit.

Ring WA today. Make plans, you can do this.

And happy birthday!

[creativevoid]

I left my similarly abusive H in October. I have two DS, 4 and 6. My main regret is not leaving sooner. Only after I left did I realise how much damage it was doing them. The need to protect them is what gave me the strength to leave. Please don't wait another year.

[Anniegetyourgun]

By being all nice in between he can make it seem as though it really is something you do, say, look like, that causes the anger; because, you see, he's a cheerful fellow for the most part, it's only when he gets home that he has to shout. Which, as you now know, is a big steaming pile of brown stuff.

[Jan45]

OP, you can have a lovely day, every day if you are in control of your life, and not him.