Shouting and swearing at me again

[mousebacon]

H has up'd the ranting this week. Friday night he walked through the door & without even saying hello to me and the dc started shouting about some missing post. Apparently I was 'accusing him of lying to his face' when I asked if the sender had said they had sent it. The shouting and following me around the house (to shout some more) did not relent until I left the house an hour or so later. Both children were in the house.

Tonight he wanted his car's logbook literally as he was about to drive off. He's known he might need it for months but decided he had to have it right now and it was my job to find it. I couldn't find it in fast enough time for him so the shouting and swearing continued etc etc and in the end he left without it - it wasn't essential to have it after all. His father was there, heard everything and said nothing.

Tonight, once he got in, he heated up the meal I had cooked for us all, sat down and started the ranting again telling me it was because of 'my attitude' that he reacts to me the way he does. I have learned to say nothing at all, make sure my face remains neutral at all times or it enrages him further & he'll accuse me of being 'smart arsed' or any number of other things.

I don't even know why I'm posting to be honest, I've been keeping a diary of these things for a while now but I can't get to it tonight - he's gone to bed so I'm on the sofa again.

I have a plan, one more year of childcare fees then he's out of here but, dear God, it's wearing me down. I'm still shaking from earlier and generally fed up with the anxiety of it all. I hate hearing his car pull up outside each night.

[mousebacon]

Yes MrsR

Well, I'll be spending it with my boys. No real plans but I'm sure we'll do something before h comes home. I might take them out to a local ice cream farm

Obviously no card/gift from h, there hasn't been for years.

[MrsRuffdiamond]

I'm sorry op . Enjoy tomorrow with your boys , and think ahead to your next Birthday which you can make the biggest celebration ever! Good luck with your plans. Here's a toast to the future and some Birthday

[mousebacon]

Thank you muchly

[BlackeyedSusan]

I saw a spider on saturday night and did not scream for the first time in forever. it is possible... not saying that next time I will not scream...

I deal with them by squishing or hoovering if it is handly. surprising what you learn to deal with as a single parent.

[kickassangel]

The most common parenting trait found in families with an abusive Dad is that their dad was abusive. So his dad possibly even congratulates and encourages how he treats you. It also means that your boys could (not necessarily, but may) treat women like that when they are older.

Most abusers become far more abusive and up the abuse both in strength and frequency when the victim survivor tries to break free. You doing things yourself Is a sign of independence and possibly the cause if his increase. If he thinks you're planning divorce he could well become significantly worse.

It would be good to google things like staying safe and safe exit strategies. If this is how he behaves when you are doing as he wants, you may need to find a quick exit when you speak up.

[LegoCaltrops]

KickAss is right. This why I think it would be a bad idea for you to record him & play it back. He knows how he's behaving. The only thing this would accomplish, is to show him you are trying to stand up to him. Unless you were actually in a position to walk out the door there & then, bags packed & with a place to go, this is only going to provoke him into more 'rows', ie bullying you.

Happy Birthday by the way, hope you have a lovely day with your DCs, & can look forward to your next one when you will hopefully be free of him.

[piratecat]

i hear our neighbours shouting at kids of similar age.

the man scares me so god knows how your children feel. there is not a chance in hell i would subject my children to another year.
i hope you don't put them through this for that long. i know you have a plan but it needs to happen very soon op.
for their sakes. you do have the power and the responsibility.
hearing abuse from am outsiders place is bad enough to horrify me.
x

[justjodie92]

Happy Birthday

[Longdistance]

Happy Birthday mousebacon

Treat yourself to a solicitors appointment today. Hope you have a fab day with your boys

33, you're a spring chicken. I had my first dc at 33 :)

[Squidstirfry]

Happy Birthday!



Please don't stay for a whole year, this will be really damaging your children.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Happy Birthday OP - but don't wait another year. Think of it as investing in your future and there is a future! A happy quiet one.

[eggnut]

May you have a happy and spider-free birthday! Please get out as soon as you can, but research safe exit strategies first. You can do this and your life, and the childrens' lives, will be so much better without his abuse. You are not ridiculous for regarding it as abuse.

[MrsCaptainReynolds]

33 is nothing, get on with your life! Since I turned 33, I've put a horrible marriage behind me, remarried, had a DS and am pregnant again.

It's hard to walk away (Aimee Mann's Momentum comes to mind; the insane things we'll put up with for the sake not losing momentum) but the sooner you do it, the sooner you start a better life, for all of you. And, sorry, but with a DS at 6 years old I think you can't wait another year.

[Jan45]

Make no mistake, it's abuse of all of you, but you get it most because he can get away with it easier, disgusting man and, at 33, you have loads of time to start over, loads.

[mousebacon]

Thank you all for your spider free birthday wishes. Thank God for MN.

Incredibly he has phoned this morning, all jolly, asking what my plans are etc acting totally normal. This is what he always does. Ugh.

Will have a lovely day until 5pm

[Jan45]

OP, you can have a lovely day, every day if you are in control of your life, and not him.

[Anniegetyourgun]

By being all nice in between he can make it seem as though it really is something you do, say, look like, that causes the anger; because, you see, he's a cheerful fellow for the most part, it's only when he gets home that he has to shout. Which, as you now know, is a big steaming pile of brown stuff.

[creativevoid]

I left my similarly abusive H in October. I have two DS, 4 and 6. My main regret is not leaving sooner. Only after I left did I realise how much damage it was doing them. The need to protect them is what gave me the strength to leave. Please don't wait another year.

[Aradia]

You don't have to wait Mouse, a year is a long time when you're being abused. I stayed for my daughter, it was only once I managed to leave that I saw how much happier she was. Being skint for a year is far easier than putting up with his shit.

Ring WA today. Make plans, you can do this.

And happy birthday!

[Ivehearditallnow]

Happy birthday!

What's with the post - is he in debt? x

Sounds awful

[mousebacon]

No, just eBay crap! Obviously the end of the world when something doesn't go his way.

I've just completed another boot-camp job - cutting a huge hedge back that's been bothering me for months. Done and all tidied away.

I've been thinking about last night a lot. His attitude that everything should go his way all the time permeates everything. He thinks people deliberately do things just to annoy him - for example if he's waiting at a junction to pull out he says things like 'he deliberately put his foot down to stop me getting out' his driving is bloody terrifying to be honest. Obviously im not allowed to comment or have an opinion.

I've been told more than once to just 'keep my mouth shut then there won't be any arguments'

Oh God...

[Jan45]

OFGS, why are you accepting this shit from a horrible, horrible man who is more concerned about his own ego than he ever will for you, seriously OP no offence but if you are allowing someone to disrespect you like that, you cant really complain if you are allowing it, you can actually do something about it, what a way to live, scared to have an opinion - is he that fucken great, that much of a prize, he sounds bloody awful.

[mousebacon]

He is definitely no prize but I want to have all my ducks in a row before finally getting rid of him.

I'm recording the flare ups and the comments so I don't minimize things the way I have in the past. He intends to have a vasectomy before Xmas and my youngest will be out of child care by this time next year. It helps me to have a plan.

Believe me when I say I see straight through him and all his pathetic attempts to shut me and my opinions down. I opt to stay quiet most of the time because it saves the chn from hearing him kick off.

[Jan45]

Sorry just getting angry that he thinks it's ok to treat you like this and you seem to be resigned to accepting it.

Is no way to live and you know it. I hope you can actually survive another year of his crap.

[mousebacon]

Thanks jan

I don't know how else to describe it other than the feeling that he is behind a wall of glass.

He has zero empathy and seems to find it impossible to take on other points of view or opinions. He genuinely believes he is always right and I can literally never have a calm conversation with him.

If I said this to him now he would say 'oh, and you're so fucking perfect aren't you?!'

I don't know if its worth wasting my time with relate because he's killed any love I ever had for him.