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Can't deal with h any longer

(35 Posts)
Longdistance Thu 26-Jun-14 05:06:48

I'm so angry right now, I could murder him.

We're on holiday, and because it's all inclusive, he's been drinking loads. Tonight, after dd2 went to bed, he went off to the bar to have more drinks. This has resulted in him waking up sick tonight, and he fell like a tonne of bricks onto the tiled floor. I still don't know if he has broken anything, as he has crawled to the bathroom unsuccessfully, and is half in the family room, half in the bathroom covered in shit.

I've got dd's asleep here, we're in a family room, and I need to protect dd's from seeing this worthless bastard on the floor.

It's dd2's 3rd birthday today too sad

Pinter Thu 26-Jun-14 05:16:15

Don't want to leave you unanswered OP, but don't have lots useful to say

What time is it where you are? Can you & DDs have a day out?

Do Not clean up after him. He needs to see the consequences of his actions.

Happy birthday to your DD biscuit (no cake!)

Longdistance Thu 26-Jun-14 05:23:43

We're in the same time zone, different country.

He's now woken up, and he's pissed himself too. He's in the shower, and all I want to do is drown him angry there's poo everywhere in the bathroom. It needs a bloody good clean. I don't know how to get dd's to the toilet as there's towels all on the floor.

It's like some bad fucking joke this sad

Can't really go out with dd's for the day, but will put them into the kids club here for a few hours.

PragmaticWench Thu 26-Jun-14 05:24:04

Is this usual behaviour for him or a one-off? If it's fairly common I'd be tempted to take a photo of him on the floor like that and show it to him once he's sober. Actually seeing what his children might have woken up to may shock him into realising it's not acceptable on a family holiday. It sounds more like behaviour from a mates-holiday in your early twenties.

Going out for the day with your dd's does sound a good idea, for their sakes.

PragmaticWench Thu 26-Jun-14 05:25:15

Actual shit?! I thought you had meant sick. That is disgusting!!

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 26-Jun-14 05:26:31

I assume that he's got form for drinking, albeit not usually to this point? 'Normal' drinkers don't get this drunk - I assume he was drinking alone after you called it a night, rather than being out on an unusual occasion like a buck's night?

Why can't you go out with the girls? That sounds like the obvious solution. Well, the first obvious solution.

Vivacia Thu 26-Jun-14 05:36:26

Can you pack a bag and turn it in to some kind of an adventure - brushing teeth and going to the toilet in the hotel toilets? Sorry, grasping at straws.

Longdistance Thu 26-Jun-14 05:38:05

I'm in a country that isn't what I'd call safe for women on their own to be in iygwim, so don't want to risk going outside of this complex. Can do the pool, and beach.

Yes, we're talking about all faculties here, have gone. He has form for being a big drinker, and a few weeks back we went to a rugby match. He had far too many, and I had to get him home on the train. He wasn't sick then, just in a complete drunken stupor.

I have taken a photo on my mobile, as he can't delete that, as he's useless with phones. Shall be good evidence too.

Yes, I called it a night as have a chest infection and cold to boot. Call this a holiday?

He's now trying to clean up his 'mess'. I can hear him clattering about in the bathroom as he's closed the door. The only good idea he's had, so dd's aren't disturbed.

Thanks for your help flowers

MegTheCat Thu 26-Jun-14 05:38:56

I would leave him to it and focus on making sure the dcs have a nice time. Plan a lovely day out with them.
Don't know what you do when they wake up and need the bathroom though - just be really matter of fact and reassuring I guess. Don't worry about him - assuming he's still breathing he'll be fine. I agree about letting him feel the consequences but sometimes you need to clean up to make things bearable for yourself (speakingffrom experience).
Try and stay calm for your dcs and save the anger for when he's sobered up.

MegTheCat Thu 26-Jun-14 05:40:47

Sorry xpost

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 26-Jun-14 05:43:03

Ah, I see.

Why would he delete it? Have you tried to confront him before and been met with denial? I'm asking because the fact that you're already thinking ahead to whether he can tamper with the evidence is a really, really bad sign for the prognosis of this marriage.

Longdistance Thu 26-Jun-14 06:07:51

I have a family camera, he can delete on that. He can't on my phone. I'm securing things for the future iygwim. He's gotten arsey before about putting pictures on fb. Nothing offensive, just family shots. I've taken photos of finance stuff before, that I never knew he had. I get given 'housekeeping'. It's never enough, as I pay bills out of it. If I run out and ask for more, I get quizzed as to where it's gone to.

There's lots of history with h being FA. Don't think I can take all this shit any more. Excuse the pun.

Celynfour Thu 26-Jun-14 06:09:11

Something similar happened on our (subsequently) last family holiday.
Had taken eldest daughter to local town and when we returned cld not find DH or two other children (4 and 7).he wldnt answer his phone.
It was lunchtime. We found them outside the room. He was lying on the floor. Kids were complaining he wldnt take them for lunch. He had sand all over his face, in his ears. He cldnt speak . I dragged him into the bed. Told them daddy was poorly. Took kids for lunch and played at pool. He turned up and was still worse for wear. Punched the back of the deck chair.
If you get a chance take your passports. He had locked ours in a safe . Worst thing was not being able to 'escape' if he got drunk again.
Our marriage staggered on for a year. He hadn't drunk for 2yrs at that point. His drinking escalated a few months and he walked out a year later. Culminating in coming home from AA meetings so drunk he cldnt walk at 8pm in evening. Eldest dd (9 then) started to notice. He knew I cldnt trust him.
I can't advise you other than get your passports. But I can empathise. Find yourself a friend who has had experience of marriage with an alcoholic. (No one except an alcoholic wld allow that kind of behaviour) it is hard to explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it how you feel. I felt sick, angry, anxious, scared, embarrassed and overwhelmed.
I shld have left him years before but I always gave him a second chance.
Now we are going through a messy, painful, blame riddled divorce.
I'll be thinking of you. Look after yourself and the children. Grown men can take care of themselves.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 26-Jun-14 06:13:53

Probably time to face up to the fact that he's an alcohol abuser/alcoholic and has a serious problem. Easy to hide it in some sectors of British culture and claim that it's just part of having a good time. But being so drunk that he loses consciousness and control of his bowels is very serious. You wouldn't have been out of line to call an ambulance.

I had an exH that used to do exactly the same thing, disappearing off at night on holiday to get pissed because 'he had a right to relax'. He was an alcoholic and I'm very glad he's an ex.

Are you thinking you'd be better off out of the relationship?

Celynfour Thu 26-Jun-14 06:15:19

Don't deal with it any longer if you can't.
You are responsible for young children.
Being on my own with the kids is a doddle compared to the uncertainty of a drinker. I've made some mistakes with dealing with my separation, lots of good advice here to protect yourself.
And Happy Birthday. Make some happy memories.

Longdistance Thu 26-Jun-14 06:16:48

Thank you for sharing your story Celynfour

I have the passports in my handbag. No safe here unfortunately, so I'm keeping them safe.

Sorry to hear your marriage broke up. I hope your life is a lot happier one without him in it?

I have a friend who is a solicitor, so will seek advice through her.

Longdistance Thu 26-Jun-14 06:21:34

Cog I am starting to think we're better on our own, and without him. He's really pushed the boundaries on depravity tonight. One thing I cannot cope with, is having an alcoholic for a h. My aunts dh was one, and she went through the mill with him. She's still with him, but that's not the life I want for my dd's.

I'm a sahm, and am desperate to go back to work, as am fed up of asking for money off of him.

LumpySpacedPrincess Thu 26-Jun-14 06:23:13

Sounds like there are more issues than just the drinking here.

Sorry you're having such rubbish holiday.

PragmaticWench Thu 26-Jun-14 06:23:44

So he's happy to keep you short of money to cover bills, but to pay out for an all-inclusive holiday? I'd be pretty angry with those priorities, let alone being quizzed about where the housekeeping money had gone. There's nothing wrong with being careful with money but that doesn't sound the case here.

Definitely time to seriously and calmly think about your options.

LumpySpacedPrincess Thu 26-Jun-14 06:25:47

When I stayed at home to look after our young children I had access to half of whatever was left after bills were paid. Just because you are unpaid doesn't mean you are not working. He would struggle to pay childcare if you were not around.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Thu 26-Jun-14 06:26:16

One thing I cannot cope with, is having an alcoholic for a h

That's exactly what you have got. You need to start making plans. This is so far beyond acceptable.

springbabydays Thu 26-Jun-14 06:32:33

How revolting for you and the dcs! And what sort of birthday did he think your dd was going to have anyway, him with a rotten hangover. I hope you can have a decent day without him. What a selfish idiot. I agree, use the hotel bathroom instead - they usually have a shower for those who have late flights home I think.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 26-Jun-14 06:32:43

Very glad that you're getting legal advice. As a DW with children you have certain rights and you may be better off than you currently think, even if you don't have paid employment straight away. Is his alcohol problem documented anywhere?

Celynfour Thu 26-Jun-14 06:34:57

I didn't want an alcoholic for a husband either.
My best hope was that he wld crack his issues with alcohol and he seemed to for a while. But ultimately he didn't.
Now I wish I had been brave enough to leave years earlier .
No one can tell you what's right for you. Draw your own boundaries on acceptable behaviour and stick to it.
I always thought I wld leave him if he was drunk in front of the children. But I gave him another chance as I really hoped he wld change. I struggled with that tho as he was in charge of the children and I felt I had failed to protect them.
It was a huge relief when he walked out, practical difficulties aside.
I am much much happier being on my own with the children. Beyond compare.

Longdistance Thu 26-Jun-14 06:36:57

No documentation of him being an alcoholic so far. He's always been a heavy drinker, and it's starting to spiral. This is like the straw that broke the camels back.

I have taken a photo of him on the bathroom floor though, to keep as evidence.

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