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Husband doesn't love me anymore and I'm pregnant.

(54 Posts)
123mumma Tue 15-Apr-14 13:46:17

Hi I have been with my husband for 8 years, we have had a happy marriage and always got on well. 2 years ago we made a decision to move away from family/ friends for a better job. It was very hard settling in and enormous pressure, which sadly resulted in my husband having a form of breakdown. Together we got through it and I thought were happy. I found out I was pregnant my husband was thrilled, we made plans and thought that things were meant to be. But he started to not be so excited about baby, I put it down to the fact it didn't feel real for him yet, my body n hor mones had changed but when baby was here it would be fine. 2 months ago he told me although he loved me he wasn't in love with me, I know for certain there is no other woman involved, he's a work a Holic, or home every evening with me. He just said our relationship has changed so much. For 2 months we have tried but he couldn't say he loved me back, which hurt me so much,there was always awkwardness after that but no arguments.we decided I'd move back with family, he sobbed when I left. I'm over 7 months pregnant and all I want is my loving husband back and to be a family in our home.i worry he's having a form of breakdown, one minute he's ok then breaks down in tears, he also hasn't told anyone we've split.i had to move out because it was tied house to his job.i know he'll support me financially. But all I want is him, what I wondered was what did anyone else think? Maybe he just doesn't love me or maybe the baby has panicked him as he seems so confused plus he's shutting family n friends out? Or just guilt because I'm in an awful situation now? What do I do? I've never written on this before so I don't und all the shorthand!!

OP’s posts: |
mansize Tue 15-Apr-14 13:53:00

Do you think he might be depressed? It does have a tendency to rob a person of their ability to feel love.

Rightallalong Tue 15-Apr-14 14:01:02

I think it sounds like a form of depression.
Have you discussed counselling together?

It doesn't sound like all is lost here OP.

Lj8893 Tue 15-Apr-14 14:05:29

Sounds like depression to me. Are you able to suggest he gets to the gp?

thanks for you.

NormalBloke Tue 15-Apr-14 14:19:20

The Nr 1 priority here is you and babies health....

Please try not to panic you need to try and stay as calm as possible

Yes a baby is a very daunting prospect for many blokes...I lost 2 relationships because I was scared witless about becoming a Dad or even getting married...

Then one day when I manned up and said lets just go for it even though I was still not 100% sure....We had a baby son and it was the best thing I ever did in my entire life. We even got married after.

Stay calm there is plenty of help on here.... People who know a lot more than me can guide you through this xx

Greensleeves Tue 15-Apr-14 14:30:30

I agree with others that it sounds like depression - the mood swings, tearfulness and indecision, and the "flat" feeling - he isn't excited about the baby, he can't feel love. He's ill sad

That said, you are in a vulnerable place too and you need to be looked after, so don't feel guilty about being with your family right now and not ploughing all your energy into his wellbeing and the relationship.

personally I would write him a letter explaining that you love him and want your relationship back, that you are not closing the door and not rejecting or blaming him, but that he needs to go to his doctor and talk about depression, right now.

It really doesn't sound like the end of anything, just a really rocky patch and there is help out there for him if he asks for it. I think you're right about the baby feeling more real for you at this stage too.

123mumma Tue 15-Apr-14 15:48:31

Thank you all so much for your comments.its helped just writing it down. I have my days where I feel very down and sad but I know I'm incredibly lucky to be pregnant and that keeps me going. My family are all amazing too, and they want to help us both. It's just through times before I've always been the one he can confide in, he says I'm his rock it's why I don't fully understand why he's finding it so hard to talk about it. We have had a while week no communication, it's been so hard, I know that he has asked my sister how iam. Then last night he called said hello love,chatted normal for a minute then broke down n said he crys a lot unless he's at work and busy.then asked if he call me tonight, do people do that if you don't love someone? Then I think I need to cut off from him, make him realise what he's throwing away. But will being there for him help him? So confused

OP’s posts: |
mansize Tue 15-Apr-14 16:05:13

I would be willing to bet quite a lot of money, based on what you've said here, that he does still love you.

I have felt this way during pisodes of depression. It stripped me of any positive feelings, including love. It was confusing because I didn't realise it was the depression talking. I thought it must be true - why wouldn't it be?

When I felt better, the feelings of love came back like they'd never been away. It is a symptom of depression.

It sounds like he doesn't know what's happening to him. I hope he feels able to see a GP. Accepting he is ill is the first step.

mansize Tue 15-Apr-14 16:09:03

But will being there for him help him?

I don't think you can know that until he acknowledges he is unwell. In theory, yes, being there for him will help him tremendously. But he has to accept help and want to get better. Being there for somebody who refuses to believe they are depressed and does not seek treatment will not only not help him, but it won't help you either. Your health is paramount in this.

Greensleeves Tue 15-Apr-14 17:16:32

agree with mansize, don't enable him to muddle along not seeking medical help, because it sounds as though he really needs it - and once the baby arrives things will be tough for a bit (amazing, but tough) so he owes it to himself and all of you to be brave and go to the doctor. I would keep gently insisting on this point when you speak to him.

I know it's daft having only read your posts on here, but I think you two will sort this out and be happy together again. Depression is terrible, but it is very treatable.

badbaldingballerina123 Tue 15-Apr-14 19:07:06

I wondered if there was a ow. I love you but I'm not in love with you often signals the arrival of someone else on the scene , maybe someone at work ? Either way its rotton and sounds like it's ruining what should be a lovely time for you.

The reality is that your now technically separated and you don't live together anymore. I wouldn't have him ring and cry like this , it's not fair on you at all and its not your job to support him or offer comfort anymore.

123mumma Tue 15-Apr-14 19:30:00

I know there's def no other woman he works 18 hr days in an isolated job as a farmer, up until last few weeks I have worked with him also.when he next calls I will talk to him regarding depression, and see if I can get one of his friends to mention it too.see if I can get to him to see someone.
i think it has ruined part of pregnancy, but I know he could b a great dad. Not ruined just not been as happy as it should be.The sad part is I'm now in another county over 2 hour drive from him.i know he doesn't have anyone else to confide in.i had started to feel as though maybe he just didn't love nor want me, but the crying said different. His family have also said he cries on the phone to them a lot too, about being lost, missing out on baby. I really feel hopeful from your comments that all is not lost. He's a worrier/stressful person n always sees the bad before it happens perhaps worrying about baby could have spiralled out of control for him. Your all so kind to take time to reply x

OP’s posts: |
badbaldingballerina123 Tue 15-Apr-14 20:18:38

Is there some sort of history here Op , has he had a troubled childhood ?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 15-Apr-14 23:13:01

I don't know what to suggest that hasn't been said already but just wanted to wish you luck.

Any farmers I have met seem to work flat out and families fit around the farm. I can well believe he works astronomical hours so I don't necessarily think there is another person involved. My honest guess would be pressure he's put on himself. It is a big life change becoming a parent. He sounds a steady, responsible type not a feckless immature twit.

Do you think at the bottom of this is fear of, or actual debt. Economically I should imagine most farmers are finding it difficult so whether its his own place or he's managing someone else's farm perhaps your H is panicking that he won't be able provide for you plus one. If he was never very eloquent to start with he may be incapable fully expressing how much you mean to him.

I can understand why that relocation seemed a sensible move back then. In retrospect would you have gone? Is there any chance you two might review and reconsider?I take it you're now having your baby back where you used to live. Don't get me wrong you deserve that layer of support. I can't imagine how miserable a time you've had just when this wonderful event is so near.

But I am not surprised your H cries if he's battling depression and fitting in 18 hour days, the wonder is he hasn't broken down again. It's an old saying but our health is our wealth. He needs to get checked over.

I agree with previous posters. I don't think he's forgotten he loves you I think he has been struggling.

123mumma Wed 16-Apr-14 07:08:02

We spoke on the phone for an hour last night the most contact we have had so far. He seemed ok telling about his day etc then tried to tell me the dogs missed me this made him cry. I told him I wanted him to be at the birth that I'm scared he'll miss it, he assured me he wouldn't that he'll sort out buying a car ( he let me take ours) n be there. He'll send some money all very much like its over for definite. I asked if he had missed me, to which he burst into tears n said of course he does. ( I think he thinks this is becaUse we have lived together long time, not because he actually maybe loves me). We have a wedding to attend in two weeks, I said I wouldn't go, he was surprised n said there my friends too,we should still go together! He said it was so nice to talk to me, then we said our goodbyes and he cried down phone. Total mixed messages, or am I just clinging on to nothing. I don't mean to go on I just find all your advice helpful, sometimes family say what you want to hear not what they really think. Work pressure def changed our relationship, it sucked the fun out if it, we work silly hours and get exhausted by eve. He finds his childhood hard to talk about,parents divorced bitterly ,I don't think it was very happy. His biggest fear was getting married, having family and splitting up which is why this makes no sense, I love my life with him and wasn't going anywhere x

OP’s posts: |
DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 16-Apr-14 07:29:35

When did you last have time off together (more than a weekend)?

jaynebxl Wed 16-Apr-14 07:47:02

Poor you and poor him. I'd agree with the other posters who have said he is depressed and does still love you. Please do all you can to get him to the dr. A farmer's life can be really isolated and I've heard in the past that there's a high incidence of depression amongst them. I'm sure a dr could really help.

Greenrememberedhills Wed 16-Apr-14 07:59:37

I don't know your husband circumstances, but I'm afraid I don't think being a workaholic excludes OW. My h managed it. Albeit a lot if it was online.

123mumma Wed 16-Apr-14 08:23:14

I know for certain there isn't plus he can't use a computer! He's never cagey with phone, if I said on spur of the moment I'll come with you, it's never a problem.he never goes out, he's always where he says he is etc. we had a mini hol 2months ago which was when I saw he wasn't sleeping,had bad ibs ,wasn't himself quiet withdrawn after 3 weeks he finally told me that he didn't think he felt the same, he loved me but wasn't in love with me. So all after I found we were pregnant. We talked and agreed to work at our marriage for us, but most days he'd cry or just look ill, saying he was trying, when I asked if I should leave he said he didn't know, so I though for us both I should, but he clung to me and sobbed. When I'd packed he wanted to make me a sand which n cup of tea ?, but I started to leave and he said he was sorry n tried to hug me. It's so confusing its like two people

OP’s posts: |
Finola1step Wed 16-Apr-14 08:43:11

I agree with other posters about this sounding like a mental health situation. The erratic behaviour, the crying, feeling flat, poor sleep, IBS. I'm no doctor, but classic signs of depression and an anxiety disorder.

And he is a farmer? Probably one if the toughest, most isolating jobs going. One that statistically has a very high rate of depression, within the whole farming family and not just the farmer iirc.

The difficulty will be your dh actually talking to a professional and opening up about his feelings. An appt with the GP is definitely his first step.

You will have to accept that your marriage is going to have to be out on the back burner for some time. You have to concentrate on yourself and the baby. He has to concentrate on getting well. Only then will you be able to move on as a family.

I do not think your marriage is over. I think he does still live you, very much. He is stuck on this idea of being "in love". Well, he needs to understand that all couples go through this. The gloss does wear off. But it is replaced by something much deeper. I don't think the "not in love" thing is the issue but it is the issue that he can understand so he keeps returning to it.

Don't give up. But he does need professional help and quick.

Finola1step Wed 16-Apr-14 08:47:51

Oh and he is probably in real turmoil about becoming a dad, being the provider, the strong one when his head is all over the place. Speaking from a bit if experience, he probably doesn't even know where to begin.

Do the NFU run any mental health advices lines? Or support groups? Anything from a farming perspective would be good.

Lookingforfocus Wed 16-Apr-14 08:53:31

I agree with everyone who says he sounds depressed. I suffered from depresson at various times and one of the classic symptoms is finding yourself crying for "no reason", also the flat affect - lack of emotion and ability to feel and express emotion. It seems like the worst situation for someone to be in who is suffering extreme depression - isolated with the responsibility of a very heavy work day.

As others have already said you need to be looking after yourself and your baby at the moment. Is there anyone who can go and spend some time with your husband like a brother or close friend? What about someone in the community he lives in? If it's severe depression I don't see how he can get well without some form of support. Can you call the local GP to him and ask their advice? Do the farmers union (s) have advice lines for helping farmers in these circumstances? Would he consider selling up/giving up his rental of the farm and move back to where you and the family are? It's seems pretty clear it historically dates from the move two years ago. Maybe you both need to accept the move was a mistake and change future plans.

If you and your family can attempt to get your husband some mental health support I would not make any permenant decisions about your future togther until you get to the root of what is wrong. Id it is MH issues your marriage could be saved as his MI is preventing him from being able to be a partner to you ATM.

However, I feel for you! You must keep a balance and make sure your own health and sanity stays uppermost. Stay close to people who can give you the emotional and practical support you need as a new mum.

People can fully recover from depression. I did. People can also learn to manage their mental health issues with support and medication if necessary, watching for triggers and knowing how to keep a balance in their lives.

It could be that your DH's personality for whatever reason is just not suited to this way of life and his lifestyle currently prevents him from recovering. Why did you both decide to make this move? Was it an ambition to have your own farm? Does your DH have a framing background?

Lookingforfocus Wed 16-Apr-14 08:55:10

X-posted with Finola

Maria33 Wed 16-Apr-14 08:59:08

This really sounds like depression. He needs to seek treatment. You can come through this but you will both need to put in the work. He will need to acknowledge that he has a problem and seek help. A good therapist could enable him to turn this around.. This is not about you, it's about him. He needs to find a way of dealing with the depression.

Depression will get in the way of family life and his ability to parent, so dealing with this now is good.

Good luck. Dealing with depression is tough on both the sufferer and those watching them suffer...

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 16-Apr-14 09:02:10

Tbh if you had begun a thread saying you were depressed I could have fully understood, OP. At this crucial stage you are feeling like your H doesnt love you, he is AWOL from your life. This at a time when you should be slowing down, easing up on stress, preparing for your firstborn.

He doesn't sound like he is coping. I have read that being permanently physically tired affects one mentally like having a hangover. You haven't mentioned any alcohol problem so I'm assuming it's not a question of sobriety?

With IBS I think it's common to also suffer from anxiety/depression, tiredness and headaches.

I don't know how you can force a grown man into seeing his doctor.

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