I have known dp for a fair few years and he has lived with me and my dc for around 2 years.
He is the most fun loving, happy person and we get on brilliantly. He loves the dc and they love him. I work full time at the moment. He isn't working because he sold his last business (not for a large sum but a reasonable amount) and he has a long term health issue which has flared up at the moment. The plan was that he would start looking for work at the beginning of this year.
Dp has an ex-w and dc who live elsewhere. Ex-w was supposed to give dp a settlement (as when they divorced, she kept the house and all the money in the bank account which had resulted from the sale of one of his businesses) but is yet to pay it over (it relates to money in the bank account). I do not know the full story to this. I know she was supposed to pay it as I have seen the documents but that's it. Let's call it £10k.
Dp and I do not have joint accounts. But he has a credit card linked to my account that is supposed to be for household spending.
Dp likes a flutter every now and then as do I. But I have v strict limits on what can be spent on things like this. E.g. I might transfer say £50 into an online betting account once a month but as far as I'm concerned, when it is gone it is gone. I thought dp was sticking to this. At Xmas time, I saw he was gambling online but not through our account. I looked over his shoulder while he was logging in and found out he had another account with the same provider which he had when he was married to ex-w and he had carried on using it. I was appalled. Not only was he spending her money (she must have noticed!) but also he was spending a lot. He wasn't happy I had caught him but said he felt she owed him that money because she hadn't paid the settlement over to him. SO I told him not to be so stupid and to seek it through the correct channels.
Then I noticed that he was spending a lot of money on my card going out. He said he was bored so he would go to the pub during the day and when I looked, he was spending a fortune, like on average £30 a day which is not sustainable long term. I took the card away and said I would have to give him cash every week because I couldn't trust him with it. THe issue being that he does shop for groceries, fill the car up for petrol in addition to the going out.
On Sunday, I notice he is using the old gambling account again. I tell him this time he is out and must leave. He pleads, cries, wails, says he will transfer the money and close it. I say fine, do that. He promises he has.
On Monday I look, and it's still there and he's transferred more money from her account into the gambling account. He does not know I have access to see it but I remember the log in.
Today he was meant to see the lawyer to sort out the money. He phones to say he has cancelled the appointment because I didn't leave him the card and he will be embarrassed if he has to pay. And he can't go the dentist and he has an abcess (he does) because I didn't leave him money. I can see he is hugely trying to guilt trip me.
I am so so so sad about this. I love him, he loves me. We have so much fun, the kids love him and vice versa....but I can't see any option but to ask him to leave now. I do not think I will EVER be able to trust him with money and I am starting to get concerned that his ex-w is going to come after me for this money he is taking out of her account to gamble with. This is the only issue we have. HIs friends like me, my friends like me, our families like each other - it's the first time I've been truly happy with a bloke and I think the feeling is mutual. Fgs!
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Partner has constant money issues. How long should/can I tolerate this for? Would you kick him out now or give him another chance?
NebNeb · 01/04/2014 14:25
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