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not sure who is wrong (probably both)

(61 Posts)
mspmsp Thu 27-Mar-14 11:21:56

Been having pretty much the same argument repeatedly with dp since our son was born..
It comes down to the fact that he seems to be of the opinion that because he works, his days off should be days off and I of course look after our 7 month old/do most of the cleaning/cooking etc every day. It all sounds a bit petty but nothing major has happened it's just little things over time wearing me down. The kind of things I mean are:

When I'd just had ds I had to stay in hospital 3 days to try and get him to breastfeed,which meant zero sleep, because every hour or so a midwife would cone along and help, and my son was crying a lot of the time plus it's just hard to get sleep in a hospital which is fine I didn't expect much sleep but the day I came home (we weren't living together then) he went home at about 8pm because HE was tired, I thought he would help with the night feeds atleast one day so I could get some rest after the whole child birth thing but no, HE was tired. He thinks this was totally fine and that I'm being selfish not thinking about his needs because "it's not all about you, I was tired and needed sleep too" sounds petty but it upsets me that his needs always come first but I think after Labour and no sleep for 3 days straight he could have put my needs above his for one night.

I've been pretty ill the past week and he chose to use his his days off to go over his brothers (fine I don't care about that) and then came back and went to sleep on the sofa, so leaving me with all the cleaning and a screaming teething baby on my own again. He also decided he didn't want to change ds so just put him on the floor to sit in his own poo asleep until I realised he needed changing.

The ONE time I asked him to watch ds since he's been born, for half a day so I could get an assignment finished for my ou course, he got a call from his friend and decided he would shout at me for ' dictating his life' because he wanted to leave and I said, well you can take ds with you like I have to everywhere I go.

He shouted at ds when he was 3 weeks old because he agreed to do a night, ds was crying (as babies do) and he sais to him "you are not going to fucking dictate my life like this" well yes actually babies do dictate your life they depend on us for everything they can't be naughty at 3 weeks old ffs. I let this go because figured it was stress and lack of sleep

This morning after our argument ds woke up at 5am and I (stupidly) thought well I'll let dp get up and see how he likes it when it's unfair (he has work today usually I would have got up but I was trying to prove a point) he went mad, shouted t me and had a go at ds. I got up after this.

He thinks his money is HIS and I have no right to say "you shouldn't really spend £450 on an x box we need to save for a deposit to rent somewhere" because that is me dictating his life. So is saying we needed to save whilst staying at my parents rent free, which they did so we could save to move out.

Other that though he is a good dad, he does sometimes help but he thinks he is doing me a favour by doing so, it hard to explain, he'll help if I ask but I get annoyed that he doesn't seem to be taking the responsibility of being a parent at all but maybe he is right and I am being petty, he does go to work and long hours so I get that he is tired but I'm tired too. Surely this isn't really how it works anymore? Seems kind of old fashioned to me but I don't know, I'm 23 and no one I know has children so I ave no idea, be a case that I'm not coping well with being a mum and taking it out on him when it's hard.

BelleOfTheBorstal Thu 27-Mar-14 11:27:25

What does he do that makes him a good dad? Because to be honest, he sounds awful.

amverytired Thu 27-Mar-14 11:31:15

Read your post again, try to imagine it was someone else writing it.
Are you still confused?
From what you've written, your partner is very clearly neither a good dad nor a good partner.

Small babies are tough, but it's even tougher knowing the one person who should be supporting you the most clearly doesn't care one jot about you or your baby.

He's a bully.

coppertop Thu 27-Mar-14 11:31:16

He is not a good dad. He's not even an adequate one.

He chooses not to provide even the most basic level of care. He would rather spend the family's rent deposit on a toy for himself, and shouts whenever he doesn't get his own way.

I was going to ask if your dp is 14 - then I remembered that even my 13yr-old son behaves better than this,

RedandChecker Thu 27-Mar-14 11:33:53

From what you have written he doesn't seem ready for a family.
He shouted at your 3 week old Ds that he won't dictate his life.
And he bought an xbox instead of saving to move out because it's his money and you shouldn't dictate his life!?

Having a family means being a team and a partnership. A 3 week old baby WILL dictate your life such as a 7 month old will. He does need to prioritise his family over gaming.

Are you still living at your parents did you say? If you spoke to them and the council they may be able to fund a deposit on a loan for you and get you moved out by yourself if he is not taking moving seriouslt. How would you feel about this. He doesn't seem as though he has commited to having a family.

Would he be prepared to attend parenting classes/relationship counselling?

amverytired Thu 27-Mar-14 11:35:52

I shouldn't have said 'from what you have written', I've been in your shoes, and know you will start thinking you haven't painted an accurate picture of your partner.

Really, just the few things you have mentioned are really bad, all the good things he might do, don't make up for it.

Shouting at the baby, shouting at you, not changing the baby, not being supportive of your OU work, being incredibly selfish after you have given birth, being difficult about finances.
It's quite a list.

somedizzywhore1804 Thu 27-Mar-14 11:44:20

This is really not normal OP. You're not in the wrong here. I think you need to talk to him about your expectations of him as a parent and if he doesn't like it he needs to go.

ThePrisonerOfAzkaban Thu 27-Mar-14 11:49:21

Ltb, what a horrid bloke

PatriciaHolm Thu 27-Mar-14 11:53:30

he's clearly not in the least bit interested in being a father. He has no interest in the reality of it at all, does he? Or indeed, being a partner. He seems to want a live in housekeeper, and that's about it.

Sorry OP, but I can't see what you are getting out of this at the moment at all. One saving grace; you are living with your parents so it will presumably be easy enough to kick him out! Surely your life won't be any harder without him in it?

AdminGirl Thu 27-Mar-14 11:53:43

He sounds spoilt and has issues with being "dictated to".

Talk to him, explain that you understand he works a lot and that you are tired too.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill Thu 27-Mar-14 11:54:42

No you are not both wrong. He is. What exactly is good about this relationship? He should be supporting you but he's adding to your problems. I bet you're much more relaxed in your parenting when he's not around.

When my wife and I are both around, we split who does stuff. Sometimes she'll have had a bad day and when I get home will want to have a bath or something, but I don't have a go at her for it. This is normal - I'm not super-dad. What you have going on is most definitely not reasonable.

mspmsp Thu 27-Mar-14 12:12:42

I don't think I want to leave him I just want him to be more fair and more caring like he used to be. I think a lot of the problems come from everything that happened with his daughter, who is now in care after her mother stopped him seeing her when she got a new boyfriend and had kids with him and then failed to look after them, he fought for access in court for 2 years and fiballt it became obvious she was a liar, but his daughter wanted nothing to do with him because she was told he was evil etc by her mother he was only given 2 months to improve the relationship by ss (didn't want to mention it because it's easy to judge but I have seen all the court papers and social services paperwork so I know what happened)
I'm just worried that if I leave him it will destroy him. He has told me that he is scared that he knows nothing about parenting and worries that he'll get it wrong but I'm not sure if that's an excuse for being a douche.

I don't really help the situation because I am stubborn and nag a lot about money and him taking more responsibility he just says I'm not his mother and can't tell him what to do!?

I'm kind of scared to leave him I guess because I love him a lot and I know he will find it very difficult to go through another family breakdown.

Also he didn't buy the x box, he just uses it against me because I'd get annoyed if he did which is the only reason he hasn't. It seem like I have to tell him what to do and he doesn't like it but won't be responsible enough himself that I can rely on him.

Sorry it a bit of a ramble I'm just confused because there's no one simple reason.

Nomama Thu 27-Mar-14 17:18:16

Read your last post again.... are you sure his ex and daughter have the wrong of it? Maybe he also shouted at his DD that she wasn't going to control his life.

He certainly doesn't seem to be trying to learn how to parent, or to avoid the same outcome. He just seems to be a self obsessed jerk, but we only have these posts to go buy, we don't know him.

You say you don't want to leave him you just want him to change.... that may never happen. You might need to re-evaluate what you will and will not put up with.

Good luck.

RedandChecker Thu 27-Mar-14 17:55:18

OP considering he sadly lost contact with his daughter I would be expecting him to be trying a bit harder this time to keep this family together, and that doesn't seem to be the case to be honest.

If you are not ready to leave, you are not ready. But think about you, your son and your future and what you want. He may not ever change and you may look back wishing you made a change yourself sooner. If you aren't ready to leave I would suggest parenting classes and relationship counselling to see if that helps him to realise and understand your feeling and to see things from a child's point of view and how to control his anger in order not to shout at your baby

coppertop Fri 28-Mar-14 10:13:03

"I don't really help the situation because I am stubborn and nag a lot about money and him taking more responsibility he just says I'm not his mother and can't tell him what to do!? "

If he took responsibility for his own child and didn't assume that he could do what he liked with the family's money, there would be no need to remind him of such things.

You think that the reason he's a useless parent is because he lost his daughter. I think it's far more likely to be the other way around.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 28-Mar-14 10:18:49

All he's contributing to fatherhood here is some DNA.... and any chump can do that. You can't make a selfish person fair and caring if they don't want to be. If he'd rather shout at you for 'running his life' than look after his own child for a few hours or take a responsible attitude to spending then he's a bully.

If you left him I doubt he'd be 'destroyed'... he'd just find a new victim.

Lweji Fri 28-Mar-14 10:21:10

Quite frankly, I'd be inclined to believe his previous wife.
He sounds dreadful and definitely not a good father.

He will never change, no matter what you hope.

Listen to what he's telling you:
"he would shout at me for ' dictating his life' "
"you are not going to fucking dictate my life like this" to his baby
You should believe him. He is telling you that he is more important than any of you and he won't change his life to accommodate either of you in his.

Well, don't let him dictate your life either.
You will be better off without him. And so will your baby.

RiverTam Fri 28-Mar-14 10:21:33

nothing in this says 'good dad' to me - he sounds 100% awful, sorry. And presumably you are only getting his side of the situation with regard to his DD - if he was like this with her and her mother...

and leaving him should be about what is best for you and your baby, not because leaving would destroy him - no, his own selfishness and crapness as a parent would be doing that.

Lweji Fri 28-Mar-14 10:22:39

I know he will find it very difficult to go through another family breakdown.

He is fully responsible for the family breakdown.
If you consider it a family, because it looks like he's just living there. He's neither a partner nor a dad.

Jengnr Fri 28-Mar-14 10:28:10

I'm sorry but he's a total wanker and a waste of space.

And no doubt when you leave him (and at some point you will because this will only get worse) you will become the bitch who won't let him have access to his child too.

Get out now whilst your son is too little to know what's going on or to be affected by the split. You're a single parent already. There's no reason you can't do this on your own.

LtEveDallas Fri 28-Mar-14 10:34:57

He is not a good dad, and I wouldn't believe anything he's told you about his ex and their child - maybe she wasn't as willing to take her child being shouted at as you are?

IsItMyArseOrMyElbow Fri 28-Mar-14 10:37:59

It seems like all you're getting out of this relationship is, in effect, another child to look after, clean up after and tiptoe round, and a whole lot of stress.

Sadly, I'm also inclined to believe he was exactly like this with the ex when his daughter was born, which is why it lead to the court appearances and ss involvement. You've only seem the formal papers, not the 'relationship' that went before them.

Please don't allow your son to be caught up in the middle of this mess of a relationship.

crazykat Fri 28-Mar-14 10:58:50

Just because he goes out to work doesn't mean he can sit on his backside when he gets home, when you're single yes but not when you have a partner and child. My DH usually leaves the house at 6am and doesn't get home till nearly 7pm and he has a very physical job. When he walks in he takes our DCs upstairs and baths then and supervises bedtime so I can clean up after the DCs dinner and make ours. If I'm ill or ds2 has been awkward that day then DH will also help me with dinner.

We're a team which is how it should be. Just because I'm at home all day doesn't mean I'm sat around doing nothing. I do try to get everything done during the day and have everything done by Friday but if something needs doing when my DH is here then he'll just do it without me asking or complaining.

It's blooming hard looking after kids and trying to do housework never mind trying to do an ou course (I'm doing psychology at the moment). Your DP is acting like a teenager with their first job who just wants to do as he pleases while someone else does everything for him. He needs to step up and be a partner and father and help out.

mspmsp Fri 28-Mar-14 11:00:10

Thankyou for the advice everyone it is good to get other opinions as he'll have me believe I'm mad.
don't get me wrong I know he was not 100% innocent in his previous relationship (he was 16 at the time) but I know a lot of what she said was untrue (She was a nasty price of work really) however I HAVE seen her side of the story, her statements and interviews with social services ext but I agree he was probably a twat. The ss involvement wa nothing to do with him or the court access stuff, the school reported something (horrible) they noticed when she was in the care of his ex, he hadn't even seen her for over a year so it wasn't him.
And I definitely am not willing to have my child shouted at. Currently back at my parents, left whilst he was at work because I didn't want to deal with the argument when he got back. Usual begging phone calls that turn nasty when I don't just say ok. Last time I did this he phoned CONSTANTLY all night and threatened to show up at my mum's work and argue with her if I didn't answer. I think I probably am going to have to leave it to him to decide if he wants to get his act together and start acting like a parent and find somewhere of my own to live somehow for the meantime. I know I will probably give in though :/

RiverTam Fri 28-Mar-14 11:07:55

I think you are quite right (and very brave) to do this, it is better for you and your baby, who does not deserve such a useless parent. Stay strong - remember, you don't want your baby to grow up with a role model like that, thinking that's how adults behave and going on to treat his own DP and DC like that.

What do your parents think of it all - how old are you, you both sound very young.

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