not sure who is wrong (probably both)

[mspmsp]

Been having pretty much the same argument repeatedly with dp since our son was born..
It comes down to the fact that he seems to be of the opinion that because he works, his days off should be days off and I of course look after our 7 month old/do most of the cleaning/cooking etc every day. It all sounds a bit petty but nothing major has happened it's just little things over time wearing me down. The kind of things I mean are:

When I'd just had ds I had to stay in hospital 3 days to try and get him to breastfeed,which meant zero sleep, because every hour or so a midwife would cone along and help, and my son was crying a lot of the time plus it's just hard to get sleep in a hospital which is fine I didn't expect much sleep but the day I came home (we weren't living together then) he went home at about 8pm because HE was tired, I thought he would help with the night feeds atleast one day so I could get some rest after the whole child birth thing but no, HE was tired. He thinks this was totally fine and that I'm being selfish not thinking about his needs because "it's not all about you, I was tired and needed sleep too" sounds petty but it upsets me that his needs always come first but I think after Labour and no sleep for 3 days straight he could have put my needs above his for one night.

I've been pretty ill the past week and he chose to use his his days off to go over his brothers (fine I don't care about that) and then came back and went to sleep on the sofa, so leaving me with all the cleaning and a screaming teething baby on my own again. He also decided he didn't want to change ds so just put him on the floor to sit in his own poo asleep until I realised he needed changing.

The ONE time I asked him to watch ds since he's been born, for half a day so I could get an assignment finished for my ou course, he got a call from his friend and decided he would shout at me for ' dictating his life' because he wanted to leave and I said, well you can take ds with you like I have to everywhere I go.

He shouted at ds when he was 3 weeks old because he agreed to do a night, ds was crying (as babies do) and he sais to him "you are not going to fucking dictate my life like this" well yes actually babies do dictate your life they depend on us for everything they can't be naughty at 3 weeks old ffs. I let this go because figured it was stress and lack of sleep

This morning after our argument ds woke up at 5am and I (stupidly) thought well I'll let dp get up and see how he likes it when it's unfair (he has work today usually I would have got up but I was trying to prove a point) he went mad, shouted t me and had a go at ds. I got up after this.

He thinks his money is HIS and I have no right to say "you shouldn't really spend £450 on an x box we need to save for a deposit to rent somewhere" because that is me dictating his life. So is saying we needed to save whilst staying at my parents rent free, which they did so we could save to move out.


Other that though he is a good dad, he does sometimes help but he thinks he is doing me a favour by doing so, it hard to explain, he'll help if I ask but I get annoyed that he doesn't seem to be taking the responsibility of being a parent at all but maybe he is right and I am being petty, he does go to work and long hours so I get that he is tired but I'm tired too. Surely this isn't really how it works anymore? Seems kind of old fashioned to me but I don't know, I'm 23 and no one I know has children so I ave no idea, be a case that I'm not coping well with being a mum and taking it out on him when it's hard.

[MexicanSpringtime]

You don't have any friends anymore? Only you know why that is, but think clearly, does he have anything to do with your lack of friends?

Because abusive partners typically isolate their partner and there are whole lot of different techniques for this. My daughter's boyfriend would kick up a fuss if she even smiles at another man, and point out to her all the faults of her female friends.

She too ended up without any friends before she ended that relationship, but has a great social life nowadays.

[mspmsp]

43perecentburnt- He did/does those things. He seems to have the attitude that trying got him nowhere so why try. Which is a very shitty attitude and not one I want directed at our child. I know he does care about him, but its in a very childish teenager type way, like, play with him for half an hour then do something else. Like you would a hamster as a 10 year old or something, that makes me very angry.
He bought over flowers chocolates and a card today, had our sons scribbling in it so he must have done that before the argument because he hasn't seen him, so I guess he can care about me, but I think only when its easy and when things are going his way.
Just want a normal happy family for my son :( don't think im going to get that from him just wish things were different. I dont even have any friends anymore, pretty much on my own I guess

[moonriverandme]

He is showing you what he is like and what your future with him will be. Believe him.Is this what you want for you and your son?

[AveryJessup]

'Other than that he's a good dad'.

So other than screaming at his 3 week old son for 'dictating' to him, leaving him in his own poo instead of changing a nappy and basically ignoring him as much a possible he's a good dad? If you say so...

Your partner sounds immature and ridiculous. Was it your idea to start a family? Doesn't sound to me like he has any interest in being a father but just regards the child as a nuisance. So what if he works all week? Most people who work full-time still have to come home and do the childcare and housework, especially in two-income couples. He has a lot of growing up to do. I feel sorry for you and your DS.

[Thumbwitch]

He's a fuckwit and no kind of dad at all.
You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery if you stay with this loser - he's already got you believing that you're the one in the wrong, and he's the most important person.
He is wrong - your DS is, and should be, the most important person in your lives at this point, and if he doesn't "get" that, then just let him fuck off.

Your levels of maturity etc. aren't the problem here - HIS are. He has no intention of changing his lifestyle or inconveniencing himself in any way for his son, or you - why on earth would you accept this behaviour? He needs to either grow up or fuck off.

Tell him to fuck off. Please.

[MexicanSpringtime]

Before I saw the bit about the violence, just from your first post, I thought of how happy I was as a single parent looking after my baby and how miserable I would have been if I'd stayed with her father, who was just as much of twat as your DP. It is a real pleasure to look after one's child until you have someone there who instead of sharing the joy and the work, makes out its work too degrading for their gender, yuck!
I don't see that you or your baby are getting anything out of this relationship and you are certainly not responsible for his wellbeing. He is dangerous and doing nothing to help himself.
As for the violence, do you really want to put yourself and your child at risk with a violent father?

[Holly300]

OP it really sounds like you're living in hope that he can/will change. I've been there... It won't happen. You'll prob realise that in years to come.

You've said that you're addicted to him and I understand that but please think about putting your son first. Don't be taken in by him saying sorry. He doesn't mean it if he can't have an a adult conversation with you without him losing his temper with you.

Have you told your mum what he is like to you - that he's abusive? What does she say?

I think you need to realise that you can't change him and that by staying with him you are ensuring a life of misery for you and your son.

Get in touch with women's aid. They are very supportive.

Regardless of his history with his ex, he is abusive to you and your child and it will only get worse.

I really hope that you can see sense! Please don't take offence to that - I wish I had seen sense sooner!

[InTheRedCorner]

Pease show your best friend/mother this thread and then re read as if they wrote it.

I'm so sorry but this isn't a healthy relationship ned will only get worse.

I hope you're make the right choice, for your babies sake.

[43percentburnt]

His behaviour is not normal. It is not your fault and not your problem to fix. I wish someone had told the 23 year old me to leave. It took me several more years.

You will become more confused.
You will doubt yourself.
You will think you are bad and it's your fault.
You will justify staying because he is a 'good dad'. - he isn't by the way.

A good dad would not have not seen his daughter for 12 months. Imagine not seeing your baby for 12 months, would you fight through the courts, using every penny you had to see her. Would you walk 10 miles in the rain to see your baby? Even if the mum was 'evil'. Would you send your baby her presents and cards at Xmas and birthdays, hand delivered? Pay maintenance or save the money in an account until your child is 18 if you couldn't see her or the mum wouldn't accept maintenance.

A good dad is kind consideration and thoughtful to the child's mother. Looking after her post birth, waking exhausted in the nights making cups of tea, reading to her, putting her fave programme on TV when she is exhausted. He doesn't shout at a newborn and leave a newborn sitting in its own shit.

Be strong op. It's really not normal.

[mspmsp]

I know SS look into other family etc the fact finding hearing was still going on when they were taken into care. Courts ordered that the daughter was to be returned to his care. She was 2 when she stopped seeing him and almost 7 once he was able to have contact, she wouldn't even talk to him let alone agree to live with him, she has a lot of problems. Didn't want to get into this tbh I know my opinion on it and social services opinion (social worker explained this all to me)
That's the last im talking about that stuff its easy to focus just on that i know, sorry.
phoned me earlier, wants to spend mothers day with me and ds apparently, said he was sorry but got mad when i tried to talk to him about his attitude towards parenting and wouldn't say anything constructive. Same as last night, got mad because i wanted to eat dinner and not argue on the phone. Lots of messages asking for me and ds to come home, but no real understanding of the problem. I wish he would be able to understand my problems with him, his behaviour towards us. Now he wants ds tomorrow but I said no. Finding this really difficult I feel bad for him its like im addicted to him or something its all a bit pathetic really :(

[Rexandralpf]

That man is dangerous I agree

[Rexandralpf]

Red flags. Alam bells. He is physical to the point he jumps on you with his hands around your neck. He screams at a 3 week old. You can choose to leave him and put your sons needs first or you can choose to stay with him and ruin your babies life. Because that man will ruin your sons life. His behaviour is mot normal or justified. This man is not a good role model to your child.

[LaurieFairyCake]

Just leave him

You picked someone crap to have children with, don't make it worse by staying.

[namechangesforthehardstuff]

When SS remove a child permanently from a parent the first thing they do is look at the family. Is there anyone who could adequately (by which they do mean just adequately, nothing more) parent this child? A grandparents, an aunt, a nephew by marriage, anyone. So if he's such a great Dad and fought so bloody hard, why isn't his DD with him now?

[RandomMess]

Wow, he's really not ready to be a parent is he. I think you need to stay away from him and concentrate on yourself and your baby.

[Holly300]

OP how are you today?

[Linguini]

You do not shout at a three week old baby there is no excuse. How on earth is he going to be when DC is teething or anything else that comes up? sorry do not excuse any of his behavior how do you think he is a good father?? Dear oh dear. This is only going to get worse and worse, believe his Ex he already left one family behind. He is incapable. LTB!!

[Charley50]

Btw you cannot change him.

[Charley50]

When I posted before I hadn't read the stuff about him hitting you, harrassing and threatening you and putting hid hands round your neck. He is a dangerous man. You are hopefully in a safe place now at your mums. Please stay there and call the police if you need to. He is majorly abusive and has no self control. Shouting at babies too :-(
Be strong for yourself and your child.

[Charley50]

He is very immature. You are both young but you seem mature and ready to be a good mum. It doesn't sound like he is self aware enough to see his own errors or poor behaviour therefore he won't want to change or be able to change. The only way I could see him becoming a good dad is if he wants to really be one. There are parenting classes for young men if you live in a city.
I've got a feeing he hasn't had strong male role models in his life? That's not an excuse for his bad behaviour if I'm I'm right btw.
It's ok being on your own, you're stronger than when you are carrying a manchild.

[somewheresomehow]

My dd is two years older than you and if she told me that her relationship was like this I would tell her to kick him to the kerb and come home, and probably apply for a restraining order as well.
Please don't put up with him any more.

[LineRunner]

Hi, OP.

Please may I add to the voices of the all the other MNers telling you to get the hell out of this awful relationship. Please.

You will be a great mum, away from him. You will be happier, and safer, and better off in all ways, as will your DC.

[Ploppy16]

Oh Love..
So far we have: childishness and jealousy of a small baby who he already shouts at.
Gaslighting - making everything your fault.
Physical Abuse - whatever you did or do does not give him the right to get physical with you.
Utter laziness: on Sunday night my 13 year old DS got to his toddler sister before I did and was finding her comforter which had fallen out of bed for her. This kid could give lessons on laziness at times and still got out of his bed to comfort a 2 year old. Do you see your OH doing this at any point?
A failed relationship and a child he doesn't see.
It's not good. You are young and can actually see what he is doing, you reference it enough in your posts.
Don't waste the best years of your life on this git anymore x

[Holly300]

OP please listen to all the advice given (however blunt it may be).

LTB! He will not change and it will only get worse. We are all telling you this out of experience. It's not too late for you to be happy and find someone that respects you.

He may well tell you all the things you want to hear... That is manipulation. Ea people are very good at that. Please don't fall for it and please don't be bullied.

MN is here for you, but please wake up and realise that this is no life for you and dc. Plus, I'd be a bit worried that he shouts at the baby!

[RiverTam]

yes, he is certainly abusive; however you sound quite emotionally immature - 23 (just) is young, very young.

Get away and stay away - and don't ever hook up with anyone like that in the future. Being a single mother is better than being with an abusive twat like this.