silent treatment or sulking

[jacky1234]

Hi never done this before but find it very hard to burden friends with my problems. Cut a long story short husband of 16 years has not talked to me since xmas. Reason being I confronted him on something he had done and didn't feel happy with. He looked at me said "finished now" went in other room and watched television with children. He kept this up for 2 weeks then I caved and need to sort it out it drives me crazy. He says he is depressed and just not happy with anything. I left text message on phone next day saying if this is the case needs to see GP and if needs to talk I am here. He likes to drink 3 night out of 7 in house and this I don't think is a good example to set our 2 teenagers. Does anybody's husband do this? would love to know what you think. Things go over in your mind but nice to get it off my chest ANY ADVICE PLEASE!

[firesidechat]

I'm sorry, but your post is too vague to make a sensible response.

Is the drinking the problem?

How much does he drink on the 3 nights?

Does he get drunk?

To be honest if it is just a couple of drinks then I don't think 3 nights a week sounds that bad. Depends really.

[AMumInScotland]

Do you really mean he hasn't spoken to you since Xmas? Or just that he won't talk on this specific issue? Or about important things?

It sounds like there are a number of things upsetting you.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's clear he knows this bothers you and that's exactly why he's doing it. You cave, text, offer help, demean yourself .... meanwhile he's lapping it up thinking 'that'll teach her to confront me'.

I don't know if drinking every other night at home means a glass of wine or a barrel of beer but, if you don't like it, you're entitled to have an opinion and what should follow should be an adult conversation. Not sulking.

If he's depressed, he sees a GP and he stops drinking (alcohol being a depressant). If he doesn't want to do any of those, your choices start to become very limited and very final.

[jacky1234]

Thanks for your replies. He only asks me questions relating to lifts the children need and times to be picked up otherwise he comes in from work puts tv on and is there for the night. I spend all my time time in the bedroom as can not sit in lounge with awful atmosphere. When I look back he has used this silent treatment for years but mostly lasting a days to a couple of weeks but I always end it by asking that we sit down and talk it through. I have tried this time to talk but he says he hates confrontation. He drinks a bottle of wine and about 4 cans 3 nights Fri to Sun. I think it annoys me because he is on a different planet to me then and I find it really irritating, plus he then stays in bed till at least 12 next day. I think what I'm trying to say is I need to express my opinions and feelings freely and not be persecuted for it I really don't want to walk on eggshells for the rest of my days. Its 2 months today and would like advice on whether to try one more time or just give up on this marriage I think it would break my kids hearts if we split up.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours really are being met here?.

What sort of an example are you showing your DDs by staying with a man like this?. Would you want them to end up with someone exactly like your H; what you are showing them is that currently at least, his treatment of you is acceptable to you.

He has used sulking techniques to great effect over the years to keep you both on your toes and a tight leash. You do realise that all of his behaviour towards you is abusive; abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute.

You cannot assume either that your children would be heartbroken in the event of a split; many children are perceptive and know far more about their parents marital problems than the parents care to realise. You cannot stay in this simply because of them, they will not thank you as adults for doing so and will not appreciate at all being told that you only stayed because of them. They will call you daft for doing so.

I actually think your children would be far happier if their parents were now apart than being together in their own respective miseries.

I would seek legal advice re your own options now also because knowledge is power.

[Lweji]

I think you should mention solicitors instead of GP.
Tell him that if he is depressed, then go to a GP or leave.

How do you think your children feel in the house, with the mother not being able to be in the lounge with them or their father?
What do you think is being modeled when the father barely acknowledges the mother?

[AMumInScotland]

So... He did something, you confronted him, he has now spent 2 months barely speaking to you, to the extent that you now don't even feel able to sit in the lounge when he is home?

You have tried to get him to talk, tried to suggest if he is really depressed he needs to see the GP

He is being an arse.

I don't think it would break your childrens hearts for you to split up. I'd imagine they are also feeling like they are 'walking on eggshells' around the pair of you, that kind of atmosphere must be horrible for them to come home to. If they are boys, is this how you want them to treat their wives/girlfriends in the future? If girls, would you want them to put up with similar?

Like the others, I think you'd be better talking to CAB or a solicitor to find out your options to end this farce.

It sounds like you are the one who always caves in - that doesn't fix the problem, it just hides it again until the next time. Unless both parties are prepared to work at a marriage, it's not going to get better.

[whatdoesittake48]

Do some research into Silent treatment and you will see it is form of abuse and a nasty one at that.

it is difficult to say what he hopes to achieve - but probably the last thing on his mind is that he will come home from work one day to find his bags packed or you gone.

i think that after two months - this is the only option.

depression is not something for you to sort out - if he thinks this is a good excuse for treating the whole family like crap then he needs to think again.

the drinking is also excessive - especially if he is drinking alone.

[jacky1234]

Thank you for your replies. You are so right he is being an arse. I know deep in side what I must do but its the hardest thing in the world to hurt your kids. I am a strong person I have the best family and friends anyone can wish for we are all very close. I know once I make up my mind to go there will b no turning back. I think he will fall apart but god knows he deserves it. I teach my children that we all make mistakes and nobody is perfect but as long as you can either say sorry or discuss things that trouble you, then you will not go wrong. Pity cant teach H same thing. Does anyone else live with an ostrich (buries head in sand)?

[Lweji]

Remember that you are not the one hurting the children. He is, because he can't do the bare minimum to keep the marriage going.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Yes, I lived with one of those. I left the bastard, and I recommend you do too. (Although there is some small chance that when he sees you are 100% serious, he may suddenly turn the mirror on himself and realise he has been behaving like an arse and needs to stop; but don't hold your breath.)

If he is a good dad and loves his children there is no reason he can't spend a lot of time with them, which may be better quality time when he isn't sulking at their mother or slumped drunk in front of the telly. At the moment he really isn't setting them a great example. Whatever you tell them, sensible as it sounds, they will learn more from what they experience than what they are told - and right now they are having a pretty poor relationship model played out in front of them.

[jacky1234]

yes, he does all his drinking late at night and on his own.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

This isn't good for your kids, they're teenagers and will know exactly what's going on. Read the number is posts on here from adult children saying they wishes their parents has just spilt up rather than living together miserably ( i.e you).

Silent treatment is a form of control. He is being arse. If you left, how exactly would your life change? It wouldn't. Except you'd be happier in your own home.

[jacky1234]

Love your replies just what I need to hear. what is CAD?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

jacky1234,

re your comment:-
"Thank you for your replies. You are so right he is being an arse. I know deep in side what I must do but its the hardest thing in the world to hurt your kids".

So you get nothing at all out of this relationship, even more reason to leave this man behind. He is basically now dragging you and these children down with him.

Silent treatment towards you is about power and control; he is exerting that over you. Its abusive behaviour on his part.

He is hurting his children by his actions towards you and by turn them. You would be all better off apart from him. Children are very perceptive to their parents marital problems after all and perhaps even blame themselves for your problems. Do not live in misery together any longer. He sounds like he also is alcohol dependent.

CAB is Citizens advice bureau. Alternatively you can phone around a few solicitors in your town to see if any of these firms will offer you a free 30 minute consultation.

[nerofiend]

Sulking and silent treatment are signs of deep immaturity in any relationship. While his COm might be able to do something for his depression I doubt he/she will be able to solve or change deep rooted immaturity.

Maybe he comes from one of those "perfect families" when parents never argued and sees all arguments and confrontations as a big No No. "We don't do that in this house".

He needs to talk to you and explain his thoughts and feelings to you. As a partner that's the least you deserve from him no matter how badly you confronted him.

[nerofiend]

Sorry GP not COm or whatever came out

[Scarletohello]

I really feel for you. I used to have a partner that was very passive aggressive and wouldnt talk to me for days at times for what I felt were very minor transgressions. For ecam

[Scarletohello]

For example, not putting toilet seat down when I flushed the loo, leaving crumbs on work surface, even stroking a cat ( as he felt I wasn't giving him enough attention). He said when he did it he was wanting to punish me so I felt as bad as I had ' made' him feel. I tried to teach him some assertiveness communication techniques, e.g to say ' when you did x I felt y because... And what I would like is...' It worked for a while but in the end I had to end it as I felt depressed and resentful and didn't want to have sex with him any more. Eventually he accused me of being unfaithful ( which I wasn't ). And I couldn't take it any more. Either he learns to own his feelings, not blame you, take some responsibility and communicate his hurt or you will spend the rest of your relationship walking in eggshells. I can only advise something like CBT for him but if he feels that it's just you at fault he may not be willing to do it. Sorry I can't be more helpful but I wish you the best.

[firesidechat]

Just seen your last few post and I don't think the alcohol consumption is the primary problem, although he may know deep down that he is drinking too much, hence the extreme reaction. I wouldn't last 1 day with someone giving me the silent treatment, let alone 2 months. It sounds horrendous and sole destroying.

This is probably a pointless question, but what would he do if you sat him in a room and made him talk? If he won't engage then I can't see where you go from here. It can't stay like this for your children's sake, so something has to change. Maybe that something is you having a long, hard think about whether this relationship is worth saving.

[firesidechat]

soul destroying obviously this has nothing to do with shoes.

[ScarletStar]

Not to worry you, but my Dad used to do this to my mum (sulk for weeks, grunt at her) and as a child I thought that it was all my fault, because when you're wee you assume everything revolves around you. I was very anxious and nervous as a kid and couldn't cope with it. When I met my dh he was a sulker and I told him to snap out of it now before we had children and the pattern repeated!

As a side note, I had depression through most of my twenties and found myself increasingly isolated. Why? Because I was a moody, angry arsehole and people couldn't cope with it. My true friends supported me, but from a distance, and didn't get sucked in. I would leave him, as you'll actually be doing him a favour. Only he can decide to get better himself.

[jacky1234]

I'm still here three months of sulking. This is a record. The only thing that has changed is I really hate the BASTARD. I know I need to do something but I'm not doing anything to leave. I am living my own life, going out, seeing friends but my children always come first I adore them. I have told my mother and sister they find it unbelievable. Does anyone live with husband in same house but live separate lives?

[mammadiggingdeep]

Oh my love....

I remember your thread...I can't believe he's still at it?!!!!

You need to leave him/ get him to go. You cannot stay in this situation. Your dc will suffer.

What does you mum and sis advise??

[jacky1234]

I think they are in shock too, but will support me whatever. Ive had a particularly bad day today, quite down, but I am normally quite upbeat and wont let him get to me. I'm going to seek advice this week to see where I stand financially. I don't think anything can be as bad as living with this. I am happier now in a strange way, as I think we are clever at papering over the cracks and all of sudden I have not got that feeling of resentment it has just turned to hate.