I just want to feel better.

[MikeTheShite]

Im trying so hard to feel better to make 2014 better but its not working. I can feel the depression coming back and its pinning me down.
I fill my days, im a single mum to dd 17 months and our dog. I go to college one day a week and just got into university.
I've had lots of threads here over the last twoish years. My partner dumped me pretty much for someone else (afair) when I found out I was five months pregnant. Everything changed, I even took him to court regarding contact and ive tried again several times but he always hurts me and I know im a fool.
yet again when I feel the depression coming he seems to sense it and we get on well.
I believe hes my soul mate and I am moving on or trying to. I tell myself he's not, I try dates I try being alone. My heart wont accept what my head knows.
I try to be happy alone, I muddle along. I have very few friends and no social life. I have a lovely mum and dad.
I can make it through the day but the night comes. Every night. I can't express the loneliness. I can't accept life like this and im peddling to change it but I miss life as it was but I dont regret dd.
I just don't understand I cannot be normal, it has nearly been 2 years.
As much as everyone says time, youll meet someone else yada I don't want to because my judgement must be awful but I am lonely so very very lonely and right now I know im tired so tired but I cannot sleep and theres no one to talk too and I needed to get something out so ive posted here. I know its ridiculous its been two years and I need.to stop bugging everyone with this I feel like a broken record.

I am so so sorry

[Cabrinha]

I'm knackered, an hour ahead of you, and really need to go to sleep. But I didn't want to leave your thread unanswered.
Big hugs for you, sounds like life is very tough for you. x

[MikeTheShite]

thank you. I don't really know why I posted tbh

[Cabrinha]

Congratulations on your Uni place, btw!

Re the depression... Is there a depression or MH board on here? Might be helpful?
Im sorry if this is patronising, but are you going in to your GP for the right support if you feel it coming back? x

[MikeTheShite]

I think I may have to but I was trying so so hard.
Thank you for posting

[LordFocus]

it is an especially hard time with a 17 month old. things will look up so just a question of hanging in there. sorry to hear you're so sad. nothing useful to say really but it might be a good idea to try and move on from DP as I bet that is the thing that is really draining your reserves.

[Cabrinha]

You know, if your judgment is awful, you can do something about that. You can have counselling, read books, there are programmes run by Women's Aid...
You can improve your judgement!

But it may not be awful. Sometimes, we just get treated badly by someone, and didn't see it coming, bd that's not our fault! There are, sadly, a lot of wankers out there!

So don't beat yourself up about your judgement. It's either fine, or it's fixable :)

[redundantandbitter]

Off to sleep myself, but you sound so fed up I just wanted to say there are people here, listening.

Depression... Are you, have you, taken anything for it? How do you manage it when it sneaks up on you?

Congratulations on getting in uni! That's a new chapter for you to look forward to - and a dd to smother with kisses too. Lovely.

Please don't think about the 'soul mate' , come on, he left you when you were pregnant????

You may not see it but it sounds to me like you're doing a bloody good job under the circumstances, so here's a great big pat on the back.

[Cabrinha]

Oh love, you don't have to try hard by holding off seeing your GP! Just go, please.
You know when your car is making a bad noise and you hold off going to the garage? No money, no time, hoping it'll go away... you know you should take it in, really.
There's nothing wrong with going to see your GP.
Take support where you can get it! It's a strength to do that, not a weakness.

[Tulip26]

hugs see your GP about the depression. They will help, I promise. I've been there at the struggling to get out of bed stage. You'll hopefully make some new friends on your Uni course, what is it for?

[MikeTheShite]

thank you for being so kind, its been nearly two years and I just dont get it.
Most aspects of life have rolled on its just the long nights rolled on too. im exhausting myself.

the depression started during pregnancy and I was under self psychiatric care as cbt wasnt suitable and nothing seemed to work except time.
the appointments got muddled before Christmas and I forgot to rearrange so got sent back to the gp. They never got my prescription and never chased it up despite attempts, which isnt easy with the baby so I haven't taken anything since beginning of December. They wouldn't even give me a letter to give to court saying my mental health was minor made worse by xp due to him demanding a mh report in court.
ive been doing fine without and been doing well its just after the festivities and now VD is coming. i need to just find a bit more to get out of the tunnel and stop feeling sorry for myself

[handfulofcottonbuds]

What a nasty man to do that to you, especially when you were pregnant!!

You may not believe it as you're feeling so down but you are doing so well. Going to college, getting a place at uni - you should be so proud of yourself.

When my H left me for OW, I was in bits but I signed up for college courses and started Pilates and it has helped so much, also with meeting new people. Although I love my friends dearly, it's actually nice to meet people who don't know the pain I've been through and see me for just me. When you start uni, can you get a babysitter now and again and arrange social events with your fellow students?

Bringing up a child on your own is very hard, I've done it, but the rewards are tenfold. You can do this lovely.

It sounds like you need some time for you, to find out exactly what you need to make you happy. It sounds like you're not ready for dates and just need a bit of pampering and time to discover who you are without this a.hole man in your life. He is tormenting you.

I too would suggest seeing your GP, mine has been so supportive. I understand the wanting to try hard for yourself but it's okay to admit you need a little bit of help.

You can do this, take lots of cuddles from your DD.

[Xoticdreamz]

Virtual hug to you . It's sounds like you have actually managed to achieve a lot in the last couple if years. I do understand the intense loneliness . I have been there . For me my life got a bit better however that time is not forgotten . I hope you give yourself the acknowledgement you deserve . Thank god for great parents, I am blessed with the same . If you are not recieving any help that you should be mental health wise I would try to chase it up.

It's frustrating that in difficult times you often have to do the chasing , shite really .

[scoobydoonot]

Well done on getting a place at uni. And hang on in there. In a few years time, your dd will have grown so much, and your life will have moved on too. You've got a lot to look forward to, seeing your child grow, even though it might not seem like you have.

Can you access counselling through your gp? I think talking through your feelings about the man who left you would help you to leave him behind.

It's only natural to have feelings for the father of your dd. We all want a happy ever after for our children, and it takes a while to get used to the idea that happy ever after doesn't necessarily have their dad in it.

Hope your ex's name is Mike btw!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

" I have very few friends and no social life."

I think this is a big part of your problem. There's a vacuum in your life that needs to be filled with human contact, companionship, friendship, affection. In the absence of friends and a social life you are falling back on nostalgia i.e. your ex.

Please talk to medical professionals about treatment the depression but at the same time, make much bigger efforts to engage with others in your community. Make friends, find hobbies, be busy. When your life is full and you have future events in the diary, it's easier to leave the past behind.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Is there a Children's Centre near you? They run lots of groups and classes where children can play and Mum's can meet, might be a way of making new friends and having a few things to do during the day.

Do you have a calendar? I found it really helped to write down everything I was doing so I could visually see it and it made me feel good to have things to look forward to.

I do think that the first thing you need is to speak to your doctor, hopefully he/she will help you and then you may find that other things fall into place as you gain some strength to move forward.

[MikeTheShite]

thank you for your support. I am going to ring the gp but won't get anything for a week.
I am going to take dd to a group at the family centre too

the days really arent so bad it's when I turn off the tv and try to sleep it just cripples me. If I dont have any college work dd goes to bed and I sit and think what now?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I've been a single parent for nearly 14 years now and I know exactly what you mean about it being lonely after the little one is in bed and you've nothing to do. You have to find things to fill those hours. MN might be one of those things :) I belong to a musical group that takes up one evening a week... in the early days I paid for babysitters.... it gives me something to look forward to and I've made some nice friends in the process. Would your lovely mum and dad babysit while you find something sociable?

[MikeTheShite]

they will but it means we all have to stay at their house which is a pain and they get grumpy as dd gets up early.

its not just that, dd was at her dads the weekend, I was poorly but still had nothing to do as money it just so tight.

its the worst feeling knowing that im doing this to myself

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Do your parents know how lonely you are and how much you're struggling? You see, if you were my DD and knew you desperately needed to get out of the house because you were so depressed, I'd gladly put up with a few early starts to facilitate that.

If money's tight and your free time is sparse how about some kind of voluntary work. My recently retired and very bored friend turned up at her local charity shop and asked if they needed help. She just does a few hours when she can and chats with the other helpers.

[MikeTheShite]

They're supportive but don't have DD alone a lot at all due to ill health. They are supportive with words I guess.
I did some voluntary work but had to give it up due to no childcare which us quite rubbish.
The only friend i really see moves away next week too. College one day a week is a lifeline.
I can see what I'm doing to myself and that's what hurts. Two years though it's ridiculous.
All I hear is beautiful daughter dont know why your unhappy you got the best deal etc. Well did I? Because its my life that's unrecognisable.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You're not doing anything to yourself. Please don't reproach yourself. It really isn't easy at all to create a social life when you're the lone parent to a small child. Love them though we do, it is lonely and occasionally miserable to be the only adult in the house. Are there any opportunities to socialise with people from college? Could you invite them round for something to eat so that you don't have to get sitters? Do any of them have children themselves?

[MikeTheShite]

Thats a good idea, they do have children so I shall suggest meeting up over half term.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Many a time a DVD, takeaway and bottle of plonk with mates has saved my weekend. :) All the babies in another room sound asleep.

[MikeTheShite]

Thank you Cognito, just taking time to post means an awful lot.

I know I torture myself. I just long for a cuddle, I can almost just feel arms around my shoulders and it hurts.
when its darkness the day seems so far away, I try to not cry and I end up crying because no one is coming no one knows. Darkness is terrifying

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I really do know that feeling. Remember one day freshly single & suffering from a heavy cold. Unlike in the past there was no-one to administer Lemsips or cups of tea and I felt utterly rotten and alone. Then, to put the tin lid on it, as I sat up in bed the bloody cat took fright, jumped away & caught me over the top lip with a back claw. Sliced the skin like a knife. Blood and snot everywhere. I still have the scar! I have never felt so sorry for myself before or since.

All you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. If you need tea and sympathy, call someone. Ask them round. Say 'help' if you have to ... (and I don't find that easy either).... because others will think you're OK otherwise. You will feel better eventually even though it seems a long way off at the moment.