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DP told me to self harm after nasty argument

(79 Posts)
Whiterageofdespair Thu 31-Oct-13 01:02:05

Posted about this before and things were slinky more tolerable as he has been a bit nicer recently BUT we are in reality living separate lives and I'm pregnant and have small DCs having given up my job to look after them. I have no income and no independence. 'D'P has never been supportive, I think he is probably having an affair judging by his nasty malicious behaviour and emotional detachment and the final straw tonight was him telling me to and oh why don't you go and cut your arm. I've done it only very recently and found the whole thing terrifying. He creates severe anxiety and insecurity and then plays on this. I come second to his work and he spends most of his time at home on social network sites these days adding 'random people' for 'work'. Anyway that's a side issue.
He was going to leave a few weeks back but wormed his way back in has been disgusting towards me and my DD and told me he is sick of both of us and wants nothing to do with us and doesn't want to be here. I said fine leave you were supposed to leave a few weeks ago but he has no money so can't leave. Sorry this is so disjointed but I'm a bit of a mess and really need some support to get through this. I can't believe anyone would use something like that against another person, I just can't. He has form for nastiness so I guess I should be that surprised. If he is having some kind of affair and everything points to it although he says based on what evidence as he has done nothing to suggest it then why doesn't he just go, I don't understand any of this, all it know is I can't take it anymore but don't have the energy to do anything about any of it anymore. He is happily snoring away on the sofa which is where he sleeps while I'm once again in my room devastated. It's hell on earth and I was hoping someone could offer coping strategies to deal with something like this as I feel so very alone.

Whocansay Thu 31-Oct-13 09:09:51

This is not a healthy environment for children. If he leaves the home, you can have space and still have counselling. And its gets rid of the horrible atmosphere.

CogitoEerilySpooky Thu 31-Oct-13 10:51:06

How long have you been together, how many years have been horrible and when did the children arrive? Wishing for clocks to turn back is usually pointless. If this is how he is, it's how he is.

Whiterageofdespair Thu 31-Oct-13 11:31:34

3 years 2 children together, one is unborn. I have another child from previous relationship. So up until pregnancy thins were what you'd expect. He can't cope with me not being able to deal with something that happened before our 1st DC was born as he was unsupportive and completely broke down and he blames me for being angry with him for being so uncaring. He says he did the right thing an dates and I have said don't bother if that's why you're here.

He feels sidelined and unappreciated and bullied, I feel just as crap. So yes it's pretty miserable all round and seriously affecting DCs.

Twinklestein Thu 31-Oct-13 11:38:26

Hi again Whiterage xxx

Have you been back in touch with Women's Aid? Have they been supporting you?

Iirc the flat belongs to you, is that right?

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 31-Oct-13 11:46:41

Hello, I spent the last 20 years of my marriage being emotionally, verbally and financially abused by my Ex, but because of the depression it caused, and my hope that things would get better, I couldn't see what was going on. For a long time, I thought my depression caused my crap marriage: actually, it was the other way round, and Ex kept me depressed and used my mh history to justify his cocklodging.

The EA Thread helped greatly in getting clarity and providing support while I was divorcing him. I now am well and happy - and 61. Please don't wait as long as I did.

Whiterageofdespair Thu 31-Oct-13 11:59:09

Hello Twinklestein smile

No haven't heard from them. Supposed to see a family counsellor today but not sure if he will 'remember' to turn up. He has told me he can't cope with any if it anymore and I'm trying to destroy him apparently. So I'm back here again. Thanks to everyone I'm nowhere near as teary!

CogitoEerilySpooky Thu 31-Oct-13 12:56:05

Three years isn't very long to get to know someone at all I'm afraid. For the first year or so they are usually on best behaviour but have their child and an abusive man will think it's now safe to drop the pretence. Also, it is very common for a bully to accuse their victim of being the bully, attacking them, 'destroying them' etc. Suicide threats are not unheard of. Turning things around so that you feel at fault or responsible just because you've had the gall to stand up for yourself. Very typical.

Stay strong and do call Womens Aid

Whiterageofdespair Thu 31-Oct-13 22:37:03

He can't deal with issues in an adult way and just ends up with no YOU did it. I am not allowed to have a conversation about anything as he can't cope with any sort if discussion about anything. So of course nothing is resolved.

Strumpetron Thu 31-Oct-13 22:41:38

It won't get better - first off that's the one thing you need to get out of your head. I know it's easier and kinder in the short term to try and hang onto this thought but please forget it. It doesn't happen, I'm sorry but it's tough love.

Now is the time to think of you and your children. Don't waste another thought contemplating his moods, what he says to you, etc. He's been a twat of the highest order and that is what it is. It's now time to think about you, and what you need to do to get out.

Have you got any family and friends to support you? Someone has suggested Women's Aid. Give them a ring firstly and speak to them, that can be the first step of your plan of action.

Yours and your childrens happiness and safety is the most important thing now, don't spend anymore time thinking about him, he hasn't been that considerate towards you.

And dont forget you have people here for you thanks

Flumpyflumps Thu 31-Oct-13 22:48:58

Hello OP.
Roughly where in the country are you?
Are there any local services aside from woman's aid that could help you?
Can you gather much financial evidence, make copies of your ID, children's passports that sort of thing?
Sorry I'm rambling but hope you are gettin help your safety and that of your children must come first.

cjel Thu 31-Oct-13 22:52:59

Hello OP, I would echo that you mustn't let your worry about no friends, money, housing be reasons to stay. You are both miserable. Imagine for one minute that he is right and you are a bully then why would he be staying with you? on't stop ringing womansaid. I think you should have counselling on your own it should never be advised with someone in an EA relationship. Look how many friends you have on here now - when you can let go of the way he has made you there will be loads in RL as well. While you fill your life with him you won't have any room for people who will love and cherish you. Think of how much has happened in 3 years and how much could change in the next three.xxxx

bigstrongmama Thu 31-Oct-13 22:57:48

Hope you get him out soon. It won't seem so scary once he is gone. Don't listen to him. Listen to yourself. It must take a lot of strength to live with him, imagine all that strength put into looking after you and your dcs without him dragging you down. Good luck

Whiterageofdespair Thu 31-Oct-13 23:06:23

He says he can't afford to move out and doesn't want to stay with his parents as the commute is too exp. it's my flat entirely btw so if I could have him removed I could. I won't, I'm too soft and give in too easily.

He is always telling me how unhappy he is and it's me that is driving him away yada yada. I keep saying to him to go then and he stays and says as soon as he can afford it he is gone. It's really confusing and my DDs he'd is a mess because of it but he doesn't care about her as 'she isn't his daughter'.

He drinks every night on top if it but thinks that's normal too. On top of the endless cigarettes I'm just sick of the whole thing.

He is going to his parents again this weekend so see his friend and wants to take our daughter as he doesn't want to be around me, he says. Charming isn't he.

He tells me I HAVE to change, well shouted it. I was too shocked to even reply. Pretty odd behaviour and screaming at pregnant woman is just disgusting. It's my fault though if course. I told him to go for a walk and calm down but cue more hysterical screaming. This is from someone who refuses counselling as 'he has no issues, I'm the mad one'.

Is this just a person I didn't see was there?! I keep hoping now but Cognito seems to be bang in in saying a year is nothing. Of course it's not!! Bloody hell.

I have no family here at all which I struggle with if I'm entirely honest.

cjel Thu 31-Oct-13 23:10:51

Don't continue this drama. Your flat he has to leave it is no longer his home. Don't let dd go this weekend. Change the locks when he is out and text him and tell him you've done it. Tell police 101 what you've done and they will flag it up so if you call when he tries to get in he can't.

The change he wants you to make will only happen when he stops bullying you.

Listen to your gut. Get himout. Get all the help you can from womans aid and police. Don't let this go on another dayx

Whiterageofdespair Thu 31-Oct-13 23:26:00

Urgh so sick of all his bullshit. It's really is bullshit and thanks to the many wonderful women on here I'm starting to realise I was a entire whole fully functional human being before this idiot turned up and decided it's his role as a man to call the shots. Doesn't work with me too well as he is finding out. Most people would object to shady treatment is imagine but he is failing to grasp this. Idiot. And a nasty one at that. Still reeling at how nasty this man can be, bitchy men full of malice are strange creatures I must say. Scorned man feelings maybe hmm it's all very immature and really sad. Such a waste of everyone's time.

Can't live on my sofa forever though can he.

Whiterageofdespair Thu 31-Oct-13 23:27:02

Also he makes me feel so guilty when I say he can't stay here like this. One foot out the door and still demands respect, support and the rest of if. Deluded if you ask me.

Strumpetron Thu 31-Oct-13 23:30:11

OP you sound very much like my mum (don't worry this isn't a bad thing, she's an amazing woman, and only 39.. or 40... I forget which oops) she had exactly the same treatment as you. She slept on the sofa every single night with her dog because my (s)dad was an emotionally abusive man. But he didn't see anything wrong, in fact it was quite worrying how he put the blame on her.

She got away, as will you. She's happy now on her own, so will you be. You're never on your own when you've got your kids. He's a prick and you're right, he is deluded.

wordyBird Thu 31-Oct-13 23:53:07

No, he can't live on your sofa for ever, and it looks as though he has no rights of residency in your home at all?

If you don't want him there he is trespassing. You have a lot of power here: you can take control of your space. Give WA a ring, and set a time and date to change those locks. Preferably this weekend.

What he can or can't afford is his problem. 100%. He has somewhere he can go, let him go there. Whiterage, you can do this brew

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 01-Nov-13 00:21:45

Who's paying for what atm? Do you get Tax Credits?

Whiterageofdespair Fri 01-Nov-13 08:43:27

No tax credits or benefits, he pays mostly.

Theoldhag Fri 01-Nov-13 09:03:10

Him leaving is not his choice it is yours, pack his bags, leave them outside, lock the doors and if you need to phone the police do so. You can phone them anyway on the non emergency line, set up a time for you to get all the abuse down on file with a ref no. As others have said speak with womens aid, also get any benefits sorted out in your name, seek legal help (legal aid can be given in situations of abuse). Make sure that your gp is fully up to date with your situation, any other professionals such as hv, child care workers etc. make sure you get the support that you need to get this 'man' out of your space.

How dare he treat you like this angry

TheBakeryQueen Fri 01-Nov-13 09:46:31

Come on whiterageofdespair, you can do this, I know you can.

Put those beautiful children & yourself first. Model self respecting behaviour & get rid of this man child.

Life is too short for his whining crap & drama. Rise above it, throw him out!

So what if he doesn't want to live with his parents. It's about time he learnt the consequences of his actions.

Whiterageofdespair Fri 01-Nov-13 12:55:46

I know but I'm really struggling with his nastiness. Baby is ill an has been for a week, he deteriorated today so doctor said to bring her in and I got told I'm busy I'm in a meeting. I explained that this is particularly supportive attitude as he was totally dismissive like he usually is and then it as usual for nasty. He is now in the pub ignoring my calls. He really is a charming man. I'm heavily pregnant too and got told you're more than capable of taking her to the doctor!

TheBakeryQueen Fri 01-Nov-13 13:53:25

How's the baby now? hmm

I have been in your shoes, pregnant with a young child & abusive partner. It's miserable & the thought of doing it alone is scary.

But honestly, the truth is, it's a thousand times easier being a single mum, and having no help than it is to be raising young children with an abusive partner.

He's sapping all your energy.

Someone said to me on here, that 'its better to be alone than in bad company'.

It's so true. You can be happy. He's ruining your enjoyment of your babies .

cjel Fri 01-Nov-13 15:34:28

Please don't bother trying to contact him, Use this time he is out to talk to Womans aid and follow their advice.

Him going will make your life better immediately you and your dcs will be free and that is an amazing feeling not having to love with this awful abuse. YOu will find it hard to realise now because he has filled your head with all this rubbish, Re read this thread and talk to WA they are the voices you should be letting your mind take onxxxx

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