DP told me to self harm after nasty argument

[Whiterageofdespair]

Posted about this before and things were slinky more tolerable as he has been a bit nicer recently BUT we are in reality living separate lives and I'm pregnant and have small DCs having given up my job to look after them. I have no income and no independence. 'D'P has never been supportive, I think he is probably having an affair judging by his nasty malicious behaviour and emotional detachment and the final straw tonight was him telling me to and oh why don't you go and cut your arm. I've done it only very recently and found the whole thing terrifying. He creates severe anxiety and insecurity and then plays on this. I come second to his work and he spends most of his time at home on social network sites these days adding 'random people' for 'work'. Anyway that's a side issue.
He was going to leave a few weeks back but wormed his way back in has been disgusting towards me and my DD and told me he is sick of both of us and wants nothing to do with us and doesn't want to be here. I said fine leave you were supposed to leave a few weeks ago but he has no money so can't leave. Sorry this is so disjointed but I'm a bit of a mess and really need some support to get through this. I can't believe anyone would use something like that against another person, I just can't. He has form for nastiness so I guess I should be that surprised. If he is having some kind of affair and everything points to it although he says based on what evidence as he has done nothing to suggest it then why doesn't he just go, I don't understand any of this, all it know is I can't take it anymore but don't have the energy to do anything about any of it anymore. He is happily snoring away on the sofa which is where he sleeps while I'm once again in my room devastated. It's hell on earth and I was hoping someone could offer coping strategies to deal with something like this as I feel so very alone.

[Theoldhag]

I do hope that you are ok whiterage we are thinking of you and hope that you can feel supported by talking here.

and

[TheBakeryQueen]

Let us know how you're getting on white. Whatever has happened, even if you haven't actually ended things yet, you will get support on here.

We all know its easier said than done when it comes to ending an abusive relationship.

Hope you're ok.

[captainmummy]

What has happened, White?

[Whiterageofdespair]

Exhausted by it all.

[cjel]

Morning White, How are you feeling this morning?

[Theoldhag]

Ps legal aid can be given in situations of domestic violence/abuse (psychological and emotional comes under that), but you need a paper trail to show this. It may be an idea to talk to a family law solicitor.

[Theoldhag]

You are no fool whiterage I think it is in our natures to believe in the best of others. Please do not regret the decisions you have made in the past, hindsight can be a maddening thing! What counts is the now and what you do to move forward with your life. You can do it. You have shown an inner strength, keep tapping into that.

Now that you have 'seen the light' with regards to this man, you can make plans and choices. I would defiantly utilise all the organisations at your finger tips to help you build a framework (womens aid/gp/police....just to get everything on file). There is likely other organisations out there that may help you (sure start? If your dd is young enough. For support and getting you and your children our in your local community).

I hope that you have a good day

[captainmummy]

Hi White - honestly, listen to cogito and strump and bakeryqueen. I was on your previous thread and rememebr that you've phoned the police and WA, but there is nothing to say you can't do that again. They will help you to remove this 'man' from your lives (not necessarily from his DDs, so he can't use that against you)
Get the locks changed, bag up his clothes, phone the police 101 if he kicks off again. He already has a call logged against him with the police - they will respond. And don't worry about what he 'tells them' about the call - they are well used to 'd'Ps spinning things their own way and making out the woman victim to be 'crazy'. It's one of the things they actively look for in a situation!

[mummytime]

I would still advise you to phone women's aid and get their advice on getting him out of your flat. (I am sorry the police you called were a disgrace.)

[TheBakeryQueen]

We all make mistakes. Please don't be hard on yourself. What matters is today & the future not the past.

It's really tough when your esteem has taken a battering & you're at your most vulnerable when pregnant.

You sound so strong though. The next time he goes out please just change the locks & leave his things outside. Make sure you're safe & tell him you will phone the police at the first sign of any signs of aggression or abuse from him.

I'd text him to tell him it's over after you've got the locks changed. I'd also word it as if you're just doing what he wants. He's couldn't have been any clearer about what he wants could he? Well let him have it.

Then after that you need to perfect the art of disengaging from him. Letting his words go over your head. He will probably cry & grovel.

[Whiterageofdespair]

I need strength to get him out. He doesn't take anything I say seriously and I really really can't stand anything about him. He is sleazy and embarrassing and the more I just back off from him and and the more rope I give him the more he hangs himself. It's very embarrassing I've gotten myself into this situation.

[Whiterageofdespair]

I feel slightly less anxious as I'm in the throes of developing a more of a just don't give a fuck anymore attitude. His behaviour is still hurtful because I gave so much energy trying to keep this relationship together and no realise it was an absolute waste of time because he just isn't up to family life, let alone being a father. He did tell me in the beginning he wasn't ready hence certain decisions but I stupidly hung on in a desperate attempt for support.

I ignored every single red flag imaginable and to my own detriment. Natalie from Baggage Reclaim makes a profound statement when she says that many if is wait around hoping, wishing and waiting to be the exception. Or something to that effect.

There is a brilliant article on Managing Your Desire to Be the Exception and if I hadn't ignored all the red flags in the beginning I would have walked away from this shitstorm years ago. Hindsight and all that.

Silly fool that I am.

[Twinklestein]

Hiya Whiterage... you know you have the power to make him fuck off once & for all, simply by bagging up his belongings & changing the locks.

[DippyDoohDahDay]

Op I've just read your thread through. What a totally shit situation. My ex h was abusive throughout my second pregnancy and it just got worse thereafter. I can see you are waking up to this, don't look back, you sound savvy enough, you will do this and find a much better future ( I am:) x

[TheBakeryQueen]

Well done for seeing him for what he is.

It's a tough road ahead but you sound like a force to be reckoned with! You'll be fine. More than fine

Really hope that once he's out of your home you can enjoy your children & the rest of your pregnancy without his rubbish.

[Whiterageofdespair]

He is downplaying what he has done recently in a line line of disrespectful shit he has pulled over the years. Final straw this one. Involves social media (surprise surprise) tells me it's not what I think etc etc, f*ck of I say I'm not some love sick adolescent I'm a grown woman who is throughly pissed off at shitty behaviour! He is being quite sleazy and it's embarrassing actually. Anyway I won't bore anyone with the actual pathetic details but I'm just so over it now and have lost all respect for him. His poor daughter is all I think now.

What a sad excuse for a human being he is turning out to be and I'm cross with myself for giving him so much of myself even when he continues to behave like a first class twunt. God I just wish he would fuck off once and for all and take his narrow, arrogant views with him. Sad sad bastard.

[Whiterageofdespair]

He just keeps saying ok fine if that's what you want.

He seems to think I'm just pregnant and crazy and he hasn't done anything to warrant my 'unreasonable behaviour'!

I really want to go back to work but I really don't envisage anyone hiring a heavily pregnant woman!

[hellsbellsmelons]

Now you've realised you need to get him out.
He has NO choice in the matter.
It is your place and he is no longer welcome.
Tough if he doesn't want to stay at his parents.
He HAS to - end of!
Get the locks changed tomorrow and lock him out and do NOT let him back in!
Really pleased you have realised you are worth so much more than this.
You most certainly are and your new, much much happier life can begin with getting him out.
He will cry and rant etc.... but ignore ignore ignore!
You can do this. Good luck and well done!

[TheBakeryQueen]

It is sad but accepting it is really positive. Think of today as the start of your new happy life

How's the baby?

Have you managed to get him to leave?

[cjel]

What a sad thing to have to accept. Have you any idea what you would like to do ?x

[Whiterageofdespair]

Thank you. Not a great day. I've finally accepted he doesn't actually love me and is a liar and a manipulator and will say whatever it is he thinks he wants people to hear. I can't live like this and I deserve much better than the shit he dishes up.

He is a shallow and deluded arsehole really and I have finally had the wake up call I needed. I'm bit even angry weirdly just numb and sad.

[Theoldhag]

Sending you much strength to help you through this time of pain. I hope that you are ok.