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Not sure where to put this but exH is in intensive care, I feel numb!

(101 Posts)

I spoke to exMIL tonight as exH has tried to kill himself by setting his car on fire whilst sat inside. I'm sat here not really knowing what to do or think really.

I had another thread on here recently about him, I never thought he would do this.

He has been put into a coma but his mum says he is in a bad way. We have a 5 and 3 year old plus my 11 year old DD. What do I tell them?

I feel like shit! I should have made him get help! He drank up to 20 pints a day how could they have not thought this would end badly!

I have known him since I was 18, that's nearly half my life!


feetheart Wed 11-Sep-13 12:03:40

Threedaughters - I'm so sorry you and your children are having to go through this.
Glad that the person from the children's bereavement charity has given you some support, please use them as much as you can because this will be a long, involved process with each of you fluctuating in your emotions at different times.

For what it's worth I lost my dad suddenly when I was 7 and my brother and sister were 5. He used to race go-karts and crashed during a race.
My Mum decided that it would be better if we didn't come to the funeral as she was unsure whether she would hold it together and was worried about the effect that might have on us.
What she did do was ensure that we watched the funeral procession leave, were well looked after during the service and then she took the three of us to the graveside after everyone else had gone. We were allowed to say our goodbyes then and encouraged to take something from the grave - I took a ribbon that I had taped to the end of my bed for years.
I think she handled it brilliantly and don't feel any regret that I didn't go to the actual service, I think we were as included as much as she felt she could cope with. It probably helped that she was always open and honest with us so we knew the reasons behind her decisions.

On the other hand a friend lost her husband to cancer last year and both of their boys (7 and 6) plus a number of their friends were there and it was just right - seeing them all running around outside chasing each other after the service really helped a lot of people focus on what was important.

You need to do what feels right for you and your girls.

If it's any help, inspite of losing my dad so young, I don't feel that my childhood or my life has been defined by it. It is part of me, part of who I am but really just one of the many, many things that make me who I am. That may not help you now but thought I would share it.

Memory box with all sorts of things in it is a lovely idea - I don't have anything like that and am still asking my mum basic stuff over 44 years later.

Take care.

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