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Am I being a paranoid bunny boiler?

(77 Posts)
lowenergylightbulb Fri 23-Aug-13 23:08:46

Over 10+ years ago DH had a longstanding affair with a colleague. He apparantly loved her, I found out and it all followed the usual script of minimising and lying until I grew some balls and kicked him out.

After some time apart he did the 'right' things, he changed jobs etc and went no contact with OW. We got back together and started a new relationship, after a lot of work on stuff, and I thought we were happy.

Yesterday I wanted to see if a FB thing I'd shared had received any conments. His laptop was out and logged into his FB, so (as I've done MANY times before) I tapped my name into the search bar to click on my page. Imagine my surprise when OW's name came up in the search list.

She hasn't got a FB account so it's not like they are 'friends' but obviously the intent must have been there. I've not mentioned it yet. My rational mind says to calm down - I've looked up old boyfriends/friends out of nosiness. My irrational mind is furious and wants to know if the past 10 years have been a sham and he's pining after OW.

What should I do?

LeaveTheBastid Fri 23-Aug-13 23:50:20

Do you have similar names? That search bar doesn't bring up old searches, it brings up names of people you know/are mutual friends/friends of friends/don't even know that have the letters that you have typed so far into the search bar.

I've just tried it myself to check, and none of my old searches were there, just tons of people with the first few letters I had typed somewhere in their names.

lowenergylightbulb Sat 24-Aug-13 00:12:17

we don't have similar names at all. She has two names - she got divorced during their affair and changed to her maiden name. Both names were on the search list.

I've done this a few times to save the hassle of logging out of his FB and into mine - this is the first time I've spotted her name/s

I might be being stupid but just seeing her name and knowing he's been trying to look her up feels like a kick in the guts. It's made me feel things that I thought I was over.

He keeps asking me why I'm off with him.

Lazyjaney Sat 24-Aug-13 00:18:23

I searched for my first boyfriend the other day. I wasn't pining, I was nosey. It may simply be that.

arsenaltilidie Sat 24-Aug-13 00:19:00

Go to your timeline
Swipe the tiles beneath your profile picture to the left
Tap Activity Log

It shows who's profiles you've visited etc.

If she doesn't have facebook then it means he has searched her a few times.
If she does have FB it could because she's connected to him on FB through his old Workmates.

Most likely he has searched her. But as from above could mean anything.

thecatneuterer Sat 24-Aug-13 00:22:28

I normally keep out of the Relationships topic as I generally don't feel qualified to give my opinion. So with that caveat I would say that I wouldn't worry about it, if that is all that is wrong. When bored I have searched on Facebook/google for any number of exes, just out of curiosity, and not because I have any interest in rekindling anything with any of them. So I would say that that on it's own probably doesn't mean anything.

lowenergylightbulb Sat 24-Aug-13 00:23:26

She isn't on FB. Under either of her 2 names. He was looking for her. Yes, he might have been nosy or whatever, but she's not an ex girlfriend. She was an OW. And I feel really sad and pissed off when I thought I was over it.

Snugglepiggy Sat 24-Aug-13 01:31:12

I totally understand why just the sight of her name even after all this time would hurt and piss you off.It would me.Like you replied she is not an old girlfriend ,she is the OW and always will be in your head.And you say it was a longstanding affair? ouch.The pain of that must stay with you forever deep down.
Several years ago DH had a sort of affair in that he kept a friendship with OW secret for months.On discovery he cut all contact immediately but if I thought he was making any effort to check up on her or re- establish contact I would be gutted.Just wanted to send support as DH on night out - said he wouldn't be late - and woken for loo and realized he's not back and now can't sleep and got loads to do tomorrow.GRRR!

Monty27 Sat 24-Aug-13 01:37:04

If she's not on facebook her name wouldn't have come up.

joblot Sat 24-Aug-13 07:49:11

He's looking for her- you search for names and it stays logged.

Really sorry for you. I imagine all you can do is have a calm conversation and then work out as far as possible if he's interested in reigniting something or if he's committed to.your relationship. I'd be vomiting by now so you're defo not overreacting in the circumstances. (I have a delicate stomach when it comes to emotions)

converselover Sat 24-Aug-13 11:18:02

Fb matches name through multiple pages so this could be nothing; I get them on my fb page from people I really don't want to contact! Also a bit of fb noseyness about exs etc is normal and everyone does it... However I would be upset as well so why don't you just ask him? Not too accusationally but clear it up together.

Quiltcover Sat 24-Aug-13 11:36:14

He's actively searched for her. Probably means nothing to him, but be should know that such behaviour would be very inappropriate and hurtful regardless if there us no intent. She shouldn't even be in his thought process, let alone to actively search for her.
I would ask him why and then stay silent. Do not fill in the gaps, let him squirm and explain himself without you interrupting.

Neeliethere Sat 24-Aug-13 13:57:30

I too have searched for past friends and boyfriends on Facebook purely out of interest to see what they are up to these days.

I have to say, from my own experience, if he leaves the lap top open and with his Facebook account open etc etc, you have nothing to worry about.

My H used to (and probably still does but I don't live there anymore) be absolutely fastidious about keeping everything locked. He was very secretive about everything - bank accounts, income, telephone calls, emails, texts, and internet history. He had a reason for it, there was many things in his life I knew nothing of including female friends I knew nothing of.

Just my take on it.

blueshoes Sat 24-Aug-13 14:16:57

You can check his search log.

Go to Activity Log as arsenal describes. There is a "More" link on the left hand side. Click on "More" which expands it. Click on "Search" at the bottom.

It brings up a page which shows all his searches by date.

ivykaty44 Sat 24-Aug-13 14:25:52

how do you know she isn't on Facebook? If you have asked her then fine - but to a few people I am not on Facebook and I have never used my real name on facebook either

blueshoes Sat 24-Aug-13 15:03:11

I would have thought that if he was searching for her, it is a good thing because at least he is not in constant contact. I see how the fact that he even searched is not a good sign, but normal I think and not an instant fail.

Depends on when and how often he searches. Check his facebook search log. BTW, it is possible to delete searches off your search log.

joblot Sat 24-Aug-13 18:18:21

Can I just repeat her h had an affair with her, she's not an ex gf. It makes a difference

lowenergylightbulb Sat 24-Aug-13 18:22:00

activity log shows he spent a merry evening a couple of weeks ago searching for her. And when that was fruitless trying to search for her best friend.

haven't said anything yet, I can't formulate a sentence that doesn't involve the words fucking and bastard.

I understand about curiosity - but what if she had got a FB account? His search was thorough, looking at workplace/location. I hate feeling like this. Again.

Quiltcover Sat 24-Aug-13 18:22:59

An ex girlfriend before marriage is totally different than the ow AFTER the marriage. The two cannot be compared at all.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 24-Aug-13 18:32:18

Can you remember anything a fortnight ago that could have triggered his curiosity? A row or some event connected to his old job that brought up memories?

Quiltcover Sat 24-Aug-13 18:48:47

How is your marriage at the moment?

lowenergylightbulb Sat 24-Aug-13 21:11:37

haha! I'm being ridiculous apparantly. Lots of back tracking and he's upset. The fucker.

AmberLeaf Sat 24-Aug-13 21:24:07

Classic attack as a form of defense.

He's upset? diddums, all just done to deflect from what he has done and how upsetting it is to you

I don't know what to suggest, but I think this would be hard to get past if it were me in your position.

Doha Sat 24-Aug-13 21:26:18

Guilty as charged and trying to make you look like the unreasonable one. Upset because he has been caught not because he did it.
What are you going to do now OP ?-he really can't deny it

Quiltcover Sat 24-Aug-13 21:26:55

Did he explain why he did it? Apologise?

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