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does it matter

(61 Posts)
whyisitcomplicated Wed 24-Jul-13 19:43:12

i have posted about my DP before as he doesnt want children and i do.Well we are still together.He and his ex P had a terrible spilt and she has been very difficult to deal with.
He is adamant they will never get back together (they were toghether 25 years) and i have never been worried about this.

I have now found out that they are getting on better,they have had tea togehter.he buys her flowers and chocolates.To cap it all this week he informed me he had paid for her and son's holiday as she is having finacial difficuties and i saw a message on his phone where he wished her happy anniversary with a x last week. Should i be worried

AKissIsNotAContract Wed 24-Jul-13 19:45:40

Quite honestly if he doesn't want children and you do then you aren't right for each other. It would be particularly shit for you to give up your chance to have children and then discover he's cheating on you. Find someone who wants children (or have them by yourself)

superstarheartbreaker Wed 24-Jul-13 19:46:35

I think the fact that he dosn't want children and you do is a warning sign ..I think it is nice of him to pay for his son and ex wife and something that should be encouraged but the happy anniversary messages; not so much.

frustratedashell Wed 24-Jul-13 19:57:41

The flowers, chocolates and anniversary text are inappropriate at best. Sounds way to cosy. Does he buy you flowers and chocolates? I would be hurt and angry!

whyisitcomplicated Wed 24-Jul-13 20:29:48

I have worked through in my head about children and although i do really want them , he does not but i hope over time he will change his mind.My worry is that he and EP are getting on very friendly terms again and i dont know if that will mean anything for us

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Wed 24-Jul-13 20:32:55

Does he buy flowers and chocolate to all his mates?

If not, it does matter.

I agree with others. You are not matched if you do not have the same long term goals.

Have you confronted him about his behaviour and the impact on your relationship?

AKissIsNotAContract Wed 24-Jul-13 20:45:39

What if he doesn't change his mind about children? To give up the chance to have children you need to be with a fucking amazing man (even then it's a big ask) not someone who might potentially be rekindling things with his ex.

Hassled Wed 24-Jul-13 20:47:26

What AKiss said. Fair enough if you think he's worth not having kids for when you know you want them, but he has to be squeaky clean to justify that. And he's clearly not squeaky clean or you wouldn't be doubting the friendliness with the Ex.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Jul-13 11:28:32

Why would you even want kids with a man that's dishonest? They may not be getting back together but flowers, chocolates, monetary gifts and happy anniversary wishes (anniversary of what? hmm) are very inappropriate at best, suspicious at worst, and you just seem to have 'found out' rather than been included in the decision to be in touch.

Jan45 Thu 25-Jul-13 11:38:52

I'd be really upset and annoyed if my partner was taking his ex out for tea and buying her chocolate and flowers, how did you find this out? Are you sure they've not reignited something here?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 25-Jul-13 11:39:11

Whe you say - he paid for HER son's holiday - does that mean it is NOT his child or they had him together. If it is his then that is OK.

As already asked - does he give you flowers and chocolate?
I would be very worried about that bit!

Why did they split up after 25 years?

How are old are you and how old is he?
Sorry for so many questions but feel like we need the bigger picture here.

SlimePrincess Thu 25-Jul-13 11:39:55

Are you honestly happy with him? I think tbh it's all a bit weird and you'd be best served moving on and finding someone who wants the same things as you for the future.

whyisitcomplicated Thu 25-Jul-13 14:07:07

i am happy with him.I do understand why he does not want children
he says he is too old 48 and i am 35,his eldest DS died a few years ago which is why they split up and his youngest DS has a life threatening illness which i dont know much about as i have never had the chance to get to know him because of his mother.
Yes he does sometimes buy me flowers,and he is lovely to me we get on very very well,but his sudden friendliness with his EP (they celebrate their first date) has chilled me.
I dont know whether to ignore it or whether to confront him about it but i do feel very uneasy

Twinklestein Thu 25-Jul-13 14:14:37

I have worked through in my head about children and although i do really want them , he does not but i hope over time he will change his mind

Please, please, please do not think he is going to change his mind. He has told you clearly exactly how he feels about children: he does not want them. Listen to him.

Please don't waste any more fertile years waiting for him to 'come round' particularly now he's cosying up to his long term ex.

joblot Thu 25-Jul-13 14:20:32

They sound like they are courting. I'd look for further evidence and if incriminating, get out smartish. Oh and he's choosing not to integrate you into his son's life I would think.

Not looking good from the outside op

ImperialBlether Thu 25-Jul-13 14:32:35

So he has had two children; one has died and the other has a life threatening illness? I can absolutely see his bond with his ex and the reason why he paid for the holiday. I can see why they are still in contact. There is so much sadness in their marriage. I can see, too, why he doesn't want more children.

However... they still celebrate their first date? That is very, very weird and I'd be unhappy with that. I'd be unhappy if they celebrated their wedding anniversary, but a first date is much more intimate.

How long have you been with him? How long was he alone before meeting you?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 25-Jul-13 14:35:05

Well at 48 I wouldn't want any more kids.
And the older he gets the more resolute he will get.
Running around after teenagers in my 60's!?? No thank you very much.
If you want children you need to find someone else.
You also need to have a good long sit down chat with him about his inappropriate re-kindled relationship with his ex. Establish exactly what is going on there.

Dahlen Thu 25-Jul-13 14:35:07

I'd really call this a day now. Why would he be buying chocolates and flowers for someone he allegedly had a very bitter split with? hmm

And the children situation is a deal-breaker. Don't count on his changing his mind. At his age and already being a father it is highly unlikely. You could come to resent him enormously for it, and if you have an 'accident' he will come to resent you. Far better to find someone who wants to have children with you and had moved on from his X.

Xales Thu 25-Jul-13 14:44:42

He is 48 he already has the pain of one child dying and anther who has a life threatening illness.

He is telling you clear as day. He does not want any more children.

Going to be blunt.

At 35 your chances of children are getting less and more remote with time.

If you want children you do not have the luxury of waiting around for a man who has told you he doesn't want children to change his mind.

If you want children you need to make this clear to him and to go your separate ways if he is adamant.

They will always be connected by both children and the civil thing for them to do is to be able to have tea together and get on. Flowers, chocolates and happy anniversaries are a little to close.

Keztrel Thu 25-Jul-13 15:38:24

You don't want the same things. Do not hang around hoping he'll 'change his mind' when he's been perfectly clear that he doesn't want children. At 48, he knows what he wants.

Even more importantly you don't trust him and don't seem to be able to communicate openly with each other. I'd call it a day.

Squitten Thu 25-Jul-13 15:43:37

Agree with everyone else. Regardless of what's going on with his ex, your life goals are fundamentally incompatible. You need to stop wasting your fertile life on this man before it's too late

whyisitcomplicated Wed 25-Sep-13 04:45:56

I'm back again.
We have been getting on very well and DP says he feels very settled with me.
Up until now he has never wanted me to meet his 19 year old son.He has just returned from a 4 day visit to see his son in england (we live in Germany)
He broached the subject of his DS coming to stay to see where his father lives and to meet me.
i have been very excited at the thought as it would be a new very positive phase in our relation ship.
However XP says no,she hates me and apparantly DS says no because he doesnt want to upset mother but he sees no reason to meet me
if i am to accept no children of our own surley its only fair that i can get to know my DP DS and have some role in his life
can any one advise
Thank You

caramelwaffle Wed 25-Sep-13 05:06:29

Walk away.

Their relationship is not over for both of them.

If having a family is important to you, you have to find someone happy to have that with you; your current partner is not that man.

Hawkmoth Wed 25-Sep-13 05:48:26

You're sacrificing too much for a man who has other priorities.

Nobody, and no situation, will make up for your regrets in ten or fifteen years. It sounds like you are both on totally different paths.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 25-Sep-13 06:11:49

You're the optional extra here. He sees his ex and DS as his 'real family, and you'll never have a family of your own. I think you deserve so much better.

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