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Not really sure what just happened with DH

(251 Posts)
Roundtheruggedrocks Fri 05-Jul-13 07:42:43

I got upset with DH last night because, once again, he didn't want to have sex. He says he's very tired/exhausted/just can't put the effort in right now (he is managing a stressful billion pound deal for various parties/clients, so responsibility all on him), even though I have asked him to make an effort with me to improve our sex life. I also ovulated last night and we had agreed while cuddling in bed that we were going to have sex, so I got ready for bed and came out to find him having left the bed and in the living room watching TV. He then turned all the lights off, said goodnight and turned over.

I (very calmly) pointed out that he had just said we were going to have sex. He said no I'm too tired and I got upset and said I really needed to have sex more than once every month (we are virtual newlyweds with no DCs) within our marriage because I loved the intimacy of it.

He then got extremely cross with me and started shouting. He said I made his life stressful and listed various jobs around the house I had not done (cleaning sofa covers, sewing buttons on his shirt etc) and told me I knew "nothing." "Nothing about sex, about relationships, about love, money, about hard work." He said he was trying to manage our lives and finances, protect and secure us money for the future after providing me with a great home and good life and here I was "offended," he was too tired to have sex.He carried on to say that I was not his equal, that being with me was like an adult being with a lazy child wanting her needs satisfied every day.

I told him that I had not accused him of anything I had just told him something I wanted and I understood how much pressure he was under and please don't make it so personal and bring our entire relationship into question, but the fuse was already lit (he has a tendency to go off on one once he's started.) so most of the night he starts accusing me of things - that I will definitely cheat on him because my sex drive is so high and he can't satisfy it. That I must be mentally unhinged. He then leaves the room and comes back in and tells me he's decided I'm depressed and I need help (I'm not.)

I recently got sacked from a job and lost one of my close friends and he turns both into something that is my fault - you're lazy, you don't work hard enough, your friend X is a shit friend, but so are all of your friends you can't rely on any of them - if you really want to put the world to rights, start with your shit friendships and forget your dissatisfaction about sex.

On and on until 4am.

He provides everything and works very hard. I do work (did until I got sacked last week) and I am not lazy, although I admit I am not the most practical person on earth.

At 4am once his stream of consciousness/accusations have run out, he starts poking me under the covers and pulling my knickers down. Now, of course, is not the time I feel like having sex. So I say no and he uses that as yet more fuel for the fire of my "fickle, satisfaction-based personality."

Have woken up this morning and feel like I'ce been hit by a bus. What do you think has happened?

Xales Fri 05-Jul-13 19:54:16

I'm not sure he actually wants a child. You didn't/weren't sure so he wanted a child to make you agree/want one. It was about controlling you and making you want/do what he wanted.

Now that you have decided you want one and are calculating your ovulation he has actually achieved what he wanted.

ChasedByBees Fri 05-Jul-13 20:20:42

He sounds terrible OP. he will make you so miserable but I think you know that.

UpTheFRIGGinDuff Fri 05-Jul-13 20:42:59

Okay...DP and I have sex a lot less than most people feel is acceptable.

I broached this with him once when I felt it was becoming ridiculous,and I really needed some intimacy...
Do you know what happened?
He apologised,explained he was tired,but that he knew it wasn't an excuse,he wanted to be closer to me too.
We agreed a 'plan' to become closer to each other again.

There was no yelling,there was no abuse,he was hurt but he understood why I brought it up. And it saved our relationship.

I think these sensitive conversations show you who you are really with,I am with a man who is sensitive,tired,perhaps has a lower than average sex drive,but,ultimately loves me and is a Good Person.

I think your DH has well and truly outed himself as a total arse.


QuintessentialOldDear Fri 05-Jul-13 20:48:30

I suggest you re-read your old thread, espeially advice from Darkesteyes, MagicHouse and AnyFucker, TheDoctrineOfAllan

What you have seen now, is examples of the warnings these posters gave you earlier this month....

UpTheFRIGGinDuff Fri 05-Jul-13 20:54:50

QuintessentialOldDear Fri 05-Jul-13 20:55:33

Thanks. blush

SauceForTheGander Fri 05-Jul-13 20:57:06

Leave and don't look back.

He sounds like an Ex. I look back and am shocked at how badly i was treated / allowed him to treat me and the pathetic scraps I held on to. You are a boiled frog. The temperature will rise and rise.

I am so relieved not to be with him any more. There are some fantastic men out there - you don't have to live like this. There are always choices you can make however complicated. Don't stay just because it seems like you can make it work. This is fucked up.

DameFanny Fri 05-Jul-13 21:03:52

Come on bonsoir he was too tired for sex because of his business deal but after belittling her for 4 hours he was up for it?

You know better, surely.

AnyFucker Fri 05-Jul-13 21:24:54

I don't even have to read that old thread to know that you should leave him

wtf are you doing ttc with a man like this ?

wake up, woman, fgs

AnyFucker Fri 05-Jul-13 21:25:26

ignore bonsoir, she is a recognised goader and man pleasing filly

AnyFucker Fri 05-Jul-13 21:32:05

ok, read the other thread now

you got excellent advice on there

why the fuck did you ignore it ?

AnyFucker Fri 05-Jul-13 21:33:42

op, what are you referring to when you say there was an incidence where you "don't remember" having sex with him ?

could you elaborate

WinkyWinkola Fri 05-Jul-13 21:39:02


SauceForTheGander Fri 05-Jul-13 21:56:21

The withholding sex thing is not nessarily repressed homosexuality - more power play and weird attitude to women / madonna / whore complex.

Bonsoir - how are you posting from the 1950s?

ProperStumped Fri 05-Jul-13 22:00:34

Oh, take no notice, Bonsoir always talks a fair bit of shite grin

OP - this man is a complete dick. Don't waste any more time - you will only look back and regret the amount of time it took you to leave.

SauceForTheGander Fri 05-Jul-13 22:02:29


Also - don't waste time trying to explain away / understand / analyse dysfunctional behaviour. Who cares the reasons behind it - when it's this bad you can just say "I'm not happy, I want a happier life than this"

Janiston Fri 05-Jul-13 22:03:03

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

DameFanny Fri 05-Jul-13 22:05:52

I repeat, someone who's initially too tired for sex is up for it after a 4 hour slanging match with a partner.

And managing a billion pound deal makes that not-yuk how?

fuzzpig Fri 05-Jul-13 22:12:50

If he was tired he would've gone to sleep. Not shouted and criticised until 4am.

My biggest ever LTB, he sounds quite scary tbh

ouryve Fri 05-Jul-13 22:14:35

Janiston angry

You really need to read the rest of the thread. Then shut up.

Janiston Fri 05-Jul-13 22:15:04

By definition we only hear one view point - he might have been desperate to make amends by giving hher what she wants. My husband has been unemployed for a year - a different pressure to managing a billion pound deal but men feel pressure whenever they feel pressure - demanding sex etc etc isn't the way to deal with it! Sometimes unconditional support works both ways

GoshAnneGorilla Fri 05-Jul-13 22:18:44

Any - I nearly spat my tea out at "man pleasing filly", can MPF be a new acronym?

AnyFucker Fri 05-Jul-13 22:19:19

Janiston, the pound signs in your eyes have scrambled your brains

go sit on the Stepford bench with bonsoir and say a hundred "Did Feminism ever really happen" benedictions while you sew buttons on shirts for a little Hitler, you silly woman

AnyFucker Fri 05-Jul-13 22:19:56

yeah, MPF says so much, doesn't it wink

AnyFucker Fri 05-Jul-13 22:21:44

denying someone sleep is a well-recognised form of abuse

anyone that overlooks that needs to educate themself

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