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Not really sure what just happened with DH

(251 Posts)
Roundtheruggedrocks Fri 05-Jul-13 07:42:43

I got upset with DH last night because, once again, he didn't want to have sex. He says he's very tired/exhausted/just can't put the effort in right now (he is managing a stressful billion pound deal for various parties/clients, so responsibility all on him), even though I have asked him to make an effort with me to improve our sex life. I also ovulated last night and we had agreed while cuddling in bed that we were going to have sex, so I got ready for bed and came out to find him having left the bed and in the living room watching TV. He then turned all the lights off, said goodnight and turned over.

I (very calmly) pointed out that he had just said we were going to have sex. He said no I'm too tired and I got upset and said I really needed to have sex more than once every month (we are virtual newlyweds with no DCs) within our marriage because I loved the intimacy of it.

He then got extremely cross with me and started shouting. He said I made his life stressful and listed various jobs around the house I had not done (cleaning sofa covers, sewing buttons on his shirt etc) and told me I knew "nothing." "Nothing about sex, about relationships, about love, money, about hard work." He said he was trying to manage our lives and finances, protect and secure us money for the future after providing me with a great home and good life and here I was "offended," he was too tired to have sex.He carried on to say that I was not his equal, that being with me was like an adult being with a lazy child wanting her needs satisfied every day.

I told him that I had not accused him of anything I had just told him something I wanted and I understood how much pressure he was under and please don't make it so personal and bring our entire relationship into question, but the fuse was already lit (he has a tendency to go off on one once he's started.) so most of the night he starts accusing me of things - that I will definitely cheat on him because my sex drive is so high and he can't satisfy it. That I must be mentally unhinged. He then leaves the room and comes back in and tells me he's decided I'm depressed and I need help (I'm not.)

I recently got sacked from a job and lost one of my close friends and he turns both into something that is my fault - you're lazy, you don't work hard enough, your friend X is a shit friend, but so are all of your friends you can't rely on any of them - if you really want to put the world to rights, start with your shit friendships and forget your dissatisfaction about sex.

On and on until 4am.

He provides everything and works very hard. I do work (did until I got sacked last week) and I am not lazy, although I admit I am not the most practical person on earth.

At 4am once his stream of consciousness/accusations have run out, he starts poking me under the covers and pulling my knickers down. Now, of course, is not the time I feel like having sex. So I say no and he uses that as yet more fuel for the fire of my "fickle, satisfaction-based personality."

Have woken up this morning and feel like I'ce been hit by a bus. What do you think has happened?

AndTheBandPlayedOn Fri 05-Jul-13 13:50:16

At 4am once his stream of consciousness/accusations have run out, he starts poking me under the covers and pulling my knickers down.

Imho, this was not a desire to have respectful, intimant, love making with you, but rather as a dog would mark you as his possession/ territory. A literal dominate "fuck-you" gesture. I am glad you did not permit it.

Christo red flags, sorry.

roz1982 Fri 05-Jul-13 14:16:54

it is really weird and disconcerting that he started trying to have sex with you after what happened - i think you need to challenge him over this.

Lweji Fri 05-Jul-13 14:33:59

It can only get worse. sad

cees Fri 05-Jul-13 14:34:51

Oh please don't bring kids into this, he talked you round to the idea of having them but it's obviously not the right time. Do you really want a child to live with that kind of Father?

He just wants something else to hold over you, don't do that to an innocent child.

bbqsummer Fri 05-Jul-13 14:36:16

Bonsoir you sound like the OP's husband.

bbqsummer Fri 05-Jul-13 14:42:58

What are you going to do op? You haven't answered some questions asked by posters - ie were you made redundant, how old are you, etc.

I hope you are confiding in your real life friends and family.

Abusers like this want to isolate you from friends and family by calling them all shit - because they know that once his cover is blown, they will persuade you to leave him/tell him to leave and end the marriage - pronto. He wants you to stop contact with your 'shit' friends so that you don't take their strong advice come the time, to get rid of him.

That time has come.

YellowTulips Fri 05-Jul-13 14:53:43

He is a bully and a nasty one at that.

Get back on birth control ASAP.

Consider if you have a future with this man - for my part I would be out the door if a partner treated me like that.

Nasty bastard. angry

pinkhairgal Fri 05-Jul-13 15:30:40

He sounds awful, and you don't deserve this kind of behaviour, no one does. Is he older than you? Does he support you at all?

OneMoreChap Fri 05-Jul-13 15:33:34

Bonsoir's point was bit ugly.

Pulling the OPs knickers down at 4am, seems a pit "point-proving" to me - <paraphrase>See, you don't like it when I want sex and you don't</paraphrase>

No-one has a right to sex with their partner, as we all should know. If your partner chooses to say no - IT MEANS NO.

Sulking about it is just putting pressure on and verging on sexual assault. Not edifying whoever does it.

Perhaps if you are not getting the appropriate amount of sex in your relationship, on your terms, and you can't both talk about it you both need to move on.

And no, I won't blame OP or her partner.

FairPhyllis Fri 05-Jul-13 16:06:46

He's your ally? But OP, he doesn't even like you.

This man will emotionally scar any child he has. Please, please, do not have children with him.

ouryve Fri 05-Jul-13 16:15:35

I think that what has happened is that you have just found out exactly who and what you have married.

You are just another project to him, just like work. The only problem is, you are not 100% under his control and he doesn't like that. You have your own thoughts and your own friendships. He sounds like he'll do everything in his power to break those up. It's a classic tactic of emotional abusers to isolate their partners from their friends and family.

I agree with others - do not bring a child into this relationship as it is. You have a lot of analysing and evaluating to do. If you do keep a log, keep one of every single time he behaves like an arse or belittles you or your friends.

Roundtheruggedrocks Fri 05-Jul-13 17:26:52

Agree about the baby. I was feeling a lot of anxiety about the prospect of having children and didn't really know why. Now I know why.

I have tried to make him happy. He wanted a baby, I saw a solution, I calculated my ovulation and then he didn't want to have sex. What a head fuck.

He is a head fuck.

I don't know what I'm going to do now. I'm thinking.

eccentrica Fri 05-Jul-13 17:33:10

Yes Bonsoir, it sounds like he really needed his sleep. That's why he stayed up ranting until 4am.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 05-Jul-13 17:33:45

You are already proving very insightful. I'm impressed that in the space of one day, your conclusion is already "He is a headfuck" (and you're right there!), rather than "How can I change him?" (which would be a hiding to nothing).

Itaintmebabeitaintmeyourlookin Fri 05-Jul-13 17:34:54

Ah but who 's going to make you happy?

Bonsoir. Get a grip.She wasn't badgering she thought they had mutually agreed

Roundtheruggedrocks Fri 05-Jul-13 17:40:49

I have other threads on here about him - there was a whole drama around a strip club and maybe one other where I said he never had sex with me (I can't remember,) so it's not as if it's news to me that there are red flags in the relationship.

But just writing out the script of what was said and having people respond has been suddenly very obvious what he is doing.

He is presenting it today like he works so hard, he's so stressed, why did I cause an argument about sex on top of everything else? It sound so reasonable when he summarises it - but he was not reasonable last night, and there is no way short of recording him, to prove it.

That is a head fuck.

QuintessentialOldDear Fri 05-Jul-13 17:46:10

It is good to see you are wise to him now, before getting pregnant.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 05-Jul-13 17:46:15

A head-fuck.... or, more accurately, 'emotional abuse'. Truth is that he would have started that argument whether he was stressed at work or in the middle of a month-long holiday making no bigger a decision than what cocktail to have at sundown. The objective was to make him feel superior and for that, like all emotional abusers, he needs you to feel worthless. The subject matter is almost irrelevant.

Kione Fri 05-Jul-13 17:53:02

What Schobe said regarding friends. Sounds like he is trying to convince you that they are shit when they tell you what they think of him. Or what they think of the situation. He knows he is in the wrong but he doesnt care.
He is definitely your ally sad

wispa31 Fri 05-Jul-13 18:00:33

jesus! get the fuck out now!! one of your last posts there where you asked for an apology and he starts yelling again? telling you your friends are disloyal and HE IS YOUR MAIN ALLY?!? seriously, thats him setting it up that you become isolated from your friends so you rely on him. thats dangerous.

SquinkiesRule Fri 05-Jul-13 18:34:21

How tired could he be if he went off on one till 4am. He is a head fuck, do you really want him in your head for the next 40 years?
You can do better.

AnyFucker Fri 05-Jul-13 18:56:04

OP, if you bring a child into this relationship, you are an absolute fool

FlorIxora Fri 05-Jul-13 18:59:41

I'm virtually a newly wed with no kids. We have argued about jobs and money (mainly, he took a less paid job and I was worried about the future) Sometimes he doesn't want sex. But he's never ended up having a massive go at me.

Actually being a newly wed is pretty awesome, we're really loved up. He looks after me, cares for me. Generally just treats me like a princess.

It's really sad that you don't get to feel like that. To quote rollo : I think you've accidentally married a complete tosser.

Why would he feel the need to belittle you like that? It sounds like textbook EA and gas-lighting. He's the one shouting and being horrible to you, but suddenly come morning he's rationalised it to your fault and your responsibility. If only you weren't so lazy, childish, useless, had such poor judgement that you only choose shit friends...

Do you find yourself modifying your behaviour to keep him from becoming angry?

Pack a bag, LTB. I'd normally recommend counselling and all, but it strikes me that he would refuse and make you sound insane and unstable, rather than take the opportunity of saving his marriage.

Peacocklady Fri 05-Jul-13 19:47:51

He does sound exceptionally stressed and pressured, full up in a way of the demands that he's under and that he's placed on himself, and then unable to tolerate anymore from you, they tip him over the edge.
Saying that, it's not your look out to pander to that. If he can't take the heat of his pressures he should get out of the kitchen.
I'd be saying he either leaves his job for a less stressful one and chills out or you're going.

Nanny0gg Fri 05-Jul-13 19:50:55

I've never said this before, but Leave the Bastard.

This behaviour will only get worse. You are getting nothing good from this marriage.


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