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Relationships

Would being told to "shut up dog" by your h be a dealbreaker for you?

63 replies

feelokaboutit · 24/06/2013 07:36

This is the context - sorry rather long:

The way it happened was that we were at the swimming pool. As usual I had packed the two swimming bags - one for me, dd1 and dd2 and the other for h and ds. Except that I had changed h and ds's bag and so it only had trunks and towels in it and I had forgotten to transfer over the goggles. Ds had mentioned this on the way in to the pool and I said I had forgotten but h hadn't heard.

The girls and I went in to the ladies changing room and got changed. By the time we got to the pool, h and ds were already there and h was asking where the goggles were and was obviously annoyed. I said that I had forgotten and he said I should always have them in there or something to that effect blah blah - all cross and sanctimoniously. So my blood is beginning to boil and I said that every week I do have the bags ready and he said something to the effect of - well you should have had the goggles today... I was also saying that he could pack his bag himself and that he too made mistakes (I think I was saying that - it has kind of got lost in the fog).

Anyway, I had one pair of goggles out of the 5 that we usually have and it happened to be mine. So I gave him these (he's all angry and sanctimonious) and said he had to give them back to me when he'd finished. He took them gracelessly out of my hand and said "you'll be lucky". At this point I was really annoyed so I said (to his back as he was going to the pool) that he should remember that he wasn't perfect either - I might have been shouting a little as I was really really annoyed. That's when he said "shut up" and then, as I was walking away "dog". dd2 (7) did not hear him say dog but dd1 (9) did and later referred to it in the changing room and said "Daddy hates you". Not said in a gloating way, but more trying to understand why he would say something like that. Kind of giggling but not in a nasty way.

So h, ds and dd1 went to the big pool and I went to the baby one with dd2. When we had all got changed afterwards, they went to a cafe to have lunch (where we normally go altogether) and I went home, having explained to the girls why. H and I haven't said a word to each other since and this is not unusual.

Every couple of months we will have a massive disagreement like this (or rather, he will say something which I find so upsetting or talk to me in a way which I find so upsetting that I decide that I absolutely have to leave him), and it will take us weeks of silence to get over it. Not that we ever really get over it because nothing is ever discussed. He has a short temper, is critical, somewhat intolerant and autocratic and very defensive. He does also have a nicer side - and showers the kids with affection (and I am feeling very down on him today!), but to be honest, we probably get on properly for 2 or 3 days roughly every 6 weeks (don't know how I know this so exactly!). The rest of the time we either co-exist not having arguments particularly but living very separate lives (though communicating about stuff to do with the kids). Then there are the times like this when I am actively furious (or sometimes he is) and we basically behave as if the other one isn't there. The first 2 or 3 times this happened, I thought it was all him (the longest silence was about 8 weeks long) - and it probably was more him as after 2 or 3 days I would snap out of things and attempt to talk, only to be met with monosyllabic answers. We went to counselling together last year for 5 or 6 sessions (he gave up after one session where it all got a bit heated and he couldn't handle it), and during one of those sessions he said that it wasn't that he "wasn't talking to me" but that he "had nothing to say". Now however, I am much more used to the lack of communication between us and talk very little as well - which is kind of sad!

I think the kids know that we don't get on all that well, but are used to their own reality. Some of the stress I feel, they probably don't realise. They get on with both of us but, in some ways, separately. We do go and do things as a family at weekends (though not always) and some of those weekends are okay. In general though I find that h and I get on worse on Saturday and Sunday. He is very annoyed with me for being untidy and having quite a lot of clutter. I constantly feel that he may be about to complain about something, which means I am never completely relaxed - and don't get down to doing some of the stuff I should be doing.

A few weeks ago, I was at a point when I was very seriously considering the fact that we may have to split up, except that I got so close to it in my head that I really scared myself. The prospect of being away from the kids half the time is truly truly awful. So I reined in my thoughts and decided to be happy about all the things that I have. Things like what happened today throw it all back into question however, and I kind of know that of course we have to separate. (Except that after about 3 days I lose that feeling of intense anger, but isn't that then worse, that I accept the fact that someone has called me a "dog"). I had been thinking (before today's argument) - well - in roughly 11 years time dd2 will probably have left home, so I definitely have to plan to leave then - except that how does that work for in the meantime? Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy a lot of things about my life, and undoubtedly I have contributed to the deterioration of my "relationship". In order to avoid feeling pissed off by him I have really really distanced myself. Also to avoid his criticism as much as possible. I feel sad for the children that they don't have a model of an affectionate relationship to learn from, but have recently been so busy that I am not thinking about it.

I don't know. I think we are just not suited to each other. H is divorced already and in some ways can take me or leave me. He is 12 years older than me (so he is 56) and somehow is never going to see us as equals. He didn't have a totally easy childhood. His family came to this country from India when he was 10. They went to live in XX and had to endure people spitting at them and throwing stones at them in the street. I think this really marked him. His Dad (who died not long before I met h) also became an alcoholic, and when he was 15, left the family home.

If it wasn't for the fact that we have children together, I don't think we would still be together. I do think some relationships end naturally and ours feels like it ended a long time ago! There must be loads of couples in that situation however.

Obviously this is my side of the story, and I have presented a very negative picture of h - not fair really (this is one of the things he was cross about in counselling - that I had spoken about him in this way to other people - one of my arguments was "well, what was I supposed to have done during the 6 or 8 weeks that you weren't speaking to me"). In some ways he is very much a loner and does not need huge amounts of communication and chat - I am kind of the opposite however. When I think of some couples, I get quite envious - those that are easily affectionate with each other. Enough to make you cry when you think that today I was called "dog". H is quick to lash if he feels attacked and will do this about anybody, but this is no consolation!

Anyway, my basic question is - is being called a "dog" by your h a dealbreaker?

Thank you for reading this far!

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Pagwatch · 24/06/2013 07:41

Icoudn't live with only two or three scent days in every six weeks - I could bear my children to think that that s a normal relationship.

I am not really answering your aibu. I just couldn't give up a decade to misery,punctuated by fury with only intermittent normal.