Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

End of an affair

(74 Posts)
HeyFeverrr Thu 20-Jun-13 11:34:58

Yesterday I ended an affair I have been having for nine months. We are both married with children. He was the only other long relationship (five years) I have had before meeting my husband (11 years ago), and we began an affair deliberately and with our eyes wide open nine months ago. It has got to the stage where I am done with the lies, the guilt and shame, the constant emotional ups and downs, and the disrespect we are both showing ourselves, each other and of course our partners and families. I don?t want this anymore. He wants to continue this sordid situation, but I have asked him not to contact me again, deleted all contacts etc, and he says he will respect that.

I still don?t really have enough distance from the whole thing to be able to reflect and understand how I allowed this to happen. I know that many on here will say ?because you are both horrible, selfish, messed up people?. There is an element of that that would be true, too. But I am left wondering how on earth I got myself in to this mess, how and why I could be so self-destructive and so sabotaging of my family life, and where the hell I go from here? I realise I must be sorely lacking in some areas. I seemed to have become addicted to the drama and deceit for a time, and that disgusts me.

My husband does not know about any of this, but he knows and feels that there is a big rift in our marriage. OM?s wife found out several weeks ago, but has decided to forgive him if he goes completely no-contact with me (which he has not done until the last 24 hours).The situation is awful ? just the typical web of lies and deceit that you read about on here all the time. How do I make this better?

And trust me, you cannot make me feel any worse than I already do with insults etc - I am close to breaking point as it is.

Featherbag Thu 20-Jun-13 11:37:58

I'd say you need to end your marriage and let your poor DH have a chance of being with someone who actually loves him. Whether you tell him about the affair or not is up to you, but there's a good chance he'll find out eventually anyway.

LEMisdisappointed Thu 20-Jun-13 11:43:15

I do think you have to be prepared for your DH finding out. The OMs wife is going to be all over the place just now so there is some chance she might blow the lid on things. Maybe you should be honest with him and see how it goes?

Why did you start the affair? WAS there something missing in your marriage?

FeegleFion Thu 20-Jun-13 11:47:38

You do realise this thread is going to get messy, don't you, OP?

If you plan on working on your marriage, there is case for keeping your deceit to yourself, as unburdening all to your DH would be to salve your conscience.

I do think these things have a tendency to find a way out, though.

If I were your husband, I'd want to know. I hate the thought of someone betraying me yet smiling to my face.

No useful advice, I'm afraid.

SoupDragon Thu 20-Jun-13 11:48:58

What is the point of starting this thread? Do you want a pat on the back or something?

harryhausen Thu 20-Jun-13 11:49:32

Tell him. You owe him. Then see if there's any chance that he may go to counselling with you (if you're lucky).

This will not go away. The guilt will always be there. So will the reasons why you did it (whether you know them or not). I think once the OW has calmed down she will get angrier and tell your DH anyway.

For gods sake. Give him a inch of respect and tell him. Now. The poor poor man. He's noticed there's something wrong, it's just that he hasn't thought you were this despicable.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Jun-13 11:50:36

"But I am left wondering how on earth I got myself in to this mess, how and why I could be so self-destructive and so sabotaging of my family life, and where the hell I go from here?"

Human beings are flawed... that's what makes us interesting. Yes, we have rule-books as long as your arm about what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour but we all make mistakes, we're all capable of acting impulsively or carelessly and we're all capable of rationalising something as being a good thing just because we're enjoying it. It's selfish moral relativism but, there you go. The human condition.

Where you go from here is to have the courage of your convictions Whether you recommit to your marriage or decide to split from your husband, do it wholeheartedly and enthusiastically. There is clearly a chance of it all coming out so the ultimate decision may be taken out of your hands. That's just a 'Sword of Damocles' you'll have to live with, unfortunately. Good luck

HeySoulSister Thu 20-Jun-13 11:52:38

Yes tell him.

But also explore the reasons why it happened? That way you minimise it happening again and it's something you can work on

No need for this thread to turn nasty.... Op made a mistake. Nobody is perfect

MarshaBrady Thu 20-Jun-13 11:53:01

Tell your dh and let him make his own decisions about what he wants to do.

eurozammo Thu 20-Jun-13 11:54:43

This thread will not go well. There are a lot of people who have been stung by partners' affairs on this board and they are (understandably) quite bitter about it.

FWIW, I think you can go back and your marriage can recover, if you want it to. But you will always have to live with the guilt and the worry that he will find out one day.

You need to think about what drove you to the affair in the first place and whether that driver is still there. If it is, things will probably not work out long term.

Locketjuice Thu 20-Jun-13 11:58:43

You have ended it now, I don't see the point in telling your husband as he doesn't deserve the hurt, if you know hand on heart it isn't going to happen again I would say live with the guilt and hope he doesn't find out if the marriage is what you really want

somersethouse Thu 20-Jun-13 11:58:54

As always, cogito gives great advice which is impartial, intelligent and not judgemental.

Hey you are obviously, from your post, feeling very guilty and bad about yourself. I am sorry for you. You need to forgive yourself and move on. I am slightly concerned your DH may find out. I think that should be your main preoccupation now.

Do you think you should tell him?
Very difficult. You are not a bad person. You simply made a mistake.
Do you love the OM? Do you still love your DH?

soulsister correct - no need for this trhead to turn nasty at all. smile

PostBellumBugsy Thu 20-Jun-13 11:59:05

Do not be put under pressure to tell him. First, have a very long serious think about what you want & what you can do with your marriage.

Do you want to stay with DH?
Do you think he still wants to be with you?
What are you prepared to do to make it work?

If you think you can make a go of things with your DH and you really believe that with all your heart, then put your back into it and make it work. In that instance, I would say don't tell him. Why should you burden him with your lies & deceit - those are yours to bear.

If you don't think you can make a go of things, then you need to start the separation process. If you are leaving because of the affair, then tell your DH but if you are leaving because there was nothing left of your marriage, again I'm not sure it is necessary to rub salt in his wounds by telling him about the affair.

seagull61 Thu 20-Jun-13 12:01:32

yes you are going to get all the usual MN bitter and vindicative exs on this thread! what are you hoping for by posting? you already ready sound upset, fragile and vulnerable.
you might be better to seek help from a good friend or counsellor who can help you sort out what/why this happened and how to go forward in all its complexity?

somersethouse Thu 20-Jun-13 12:02:39

Personally, if at all posible OP, I would practise damage limitation as far as DH is concerned. As others have said, if you can get over it and not let him find out, this would be the kindest thing to do. As long as you know FOR SURE that he will not find out.

NotAroundTheEyes Thu 20-Jun-13 12:04:28

You must ask yourself what is the primary purpose of telling your DH.

If it is to make yourself feel better, and to have someone share the burden of the sadness, then that is wrong. It was your mistake (an understandable and a human one), and you must be prepared to bear the consequences alone.

However, this thread will not go well.

MarshaBrady Thu 20-Jun-13 12:05:44

I don't see the point in calling people vindictive and bitter on here, that's just going to stir things up.

I'm not an ex but I couldn't bear feeling like you do, or being with dh if he had done it and kept it hidden.

But maybe you can, only you know.

cronullansw Thu 20-Jun-13 12:06:34

OP - do not listen to this lot telling you to tell your husband - wtf would be the point in that?

Why wreck his life when there's a very good chance of keeping things together, with you chalking it up as a mistake and a lesson learned.

Do not be sucked in by the typical MN bitterness.

FeegleFion Thu 20-Jun-13 12:08:31

Marsha "bitter, vindictive exes" seems to be seagull's strap line

MarshaBrady Thu 20-Jun-13 12:10:00

Sounds like a tag line. Are you a bitter vindictive ex? sign in here.


somersethouse Thu 20-Jun-13 12:11:27

I agree with seagull

FeegleFion Thu 20-Jun-13 12:13:48

This OP has actually received excellent, balanced and nonjudgmental advice, so far.

I must have missed all the bitter vindictiveness... confused

VBisme Thu 20-Jun-13 12:17:54

FWIW I think you should tell him, and explain the reasons why. He deserves to be in an open and honest relationship, everyone does.

There have been times in my life when at the time I'd wished people had just kept quite and not said anything to me about situations that had ended. But looking back it's always better to know.

Please try to accept that you made a mistake, that you (as everyone) are not perfect.

I hope that you and your DH can move on from this.

somersethouse Thu 20-Jun-13 12:18:27

Sorry - I meant I agree with seagull and her suggestion of counselling, talking through with a very close and trusted friend and working out how she cam to be in the upset position she finds herself in.


No vindictiveness!

badinage Thu 20-Jun-13 12:19:24

How odd some of the posts on this thread are in terms of where the bitterness, nastiness and goadiness seems to be coming from confused.

I see you're not asking for advice on whether to tell your husband OP.

The only question you've asked is 'How do I make this better?'

Can you be a bit more specific?

Do you mean better for you dealing with the break-up? Better for your marriage and family? Better for your view of yourself and self-esteem?

Also, are you saying this was an ex with whom you once had a 5 year relationship before you met your husband? How did that start up again then?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now