End of an affair

[HeyFeverrr]

Yesterday I ended an affair I have been having for nine months. We are both married with children. He was the only other long relationship (five years) I have had before meeting my husband (11 years ago), and we began an affair deliberately and with our eyes wide open nine months ago. It has got to the stage where I am done with the lies, the guilt and shame, the constant emotional ups and downs, and the disrespect we are both showing ourselves, each other and of course our partners and families. I don?t want this anymore. He wants to continue this sordid situation, but I have asked him not to contact me again, deleted all contacts etc, and he says he will respect that.

I still don?t really have enough distance from the whole thing to be able to reflect and understand how I allowed this to happen. I know that many on here will say ?because you are both horrible, selfish, messed up people?. There is an element of that that would be true, too. But I am left wondering how on earth I got myself in to this mess, how and why I could be so self-destructive and so sabotaging of my family life, and where the hell I go from here? I realise I must be sorely lacking in some areas. I seemed to have become addicted to the drama and deceit for a time, and that disgusts me.

My husband does not know about any of this, but he knows and feels that there is a big rift in our marriage. OM?s wife found out several weeks ago, but has decided to forgive him if he goes completely no-contact with me (which he has not done until the last 24 hours).The situation is awful ? just the typical web of lies and deceit that you read about on here all the time. How do I make this better?

And trust me, you cannot make me feel any worse than I already do with insults etc - I am close to breaking point as it is.

[harryhausen]

I'm not bitter or vindictive, or even an ex - but I say tell him because you said he knows there's something wrong in the marriage anyway. I don't see how you can move past this and 'feel better' without being honest with him. Sorry.

Yes, people make mistakes but you went into with your eyes open and actively knowing what you were doing. I don't think there's much future without a totally honest chat with your DH.

I don't mean you ill OP. good luck.

[thequeenmary]

I also feel for you. People make mistakes, sometimes quite big ones. No one does the right thing all the time. (All cliches but true). The fact you knew what you were doing at the time doesn't stop it being a mistake. Emotions and hormones are powerful - it can be hard to do the right thing. You obviously feel bad and realise this is a big problem.

If it was just a one night stand or a short fling I would say don't tell. I am definitely a 'least said soonest mended' sort of person. But I think here it's different because your husband already knows something is seriously up and also the other bloke's wife knows, and she may spill at some point. I think unless you tell your H this will just go round and round in your mind and you will feel guilty and unable to re-establish proper intimacy with your H.

I think that because you are telling him before he finds out and have chosen to do so rather than being forced, and also you are very sorry, there is a good chance that he will forgive you. Obviously this depends on his personality and you would know that better than me.

But I don't think you can just carry on and hope it will all be OK. You will always be worrying (well I would anyway). I just don't see how you can have a chance at rebuilding your marriage unless you tell your H.

[EldritchCleavage]

Stick to no contact come what may.

Don't throw yourself into your marriage in some kind of guilt reaction. You owe it to yourself and your family to explore why you ended up in this position and what you really want. I think therapy could help you with that.

Only when you are on a more even keel will you really be able to make a reliable decision on whether you do want to stay in your marriage and if so, on what terms. I think for everyone's sake you have to make sure your decisions are considered and authentic ones. So much scope for a lot of extra hurt and confusion otherwise.

Your real difficulty is how to live and interact with your husband in the meantime. You've put that relationship on hold long enough, it seems. I would tell him you want to have therapy, and then try to work out in that therapy what to tell him and when.

[lovesfastcars]

Sorry to post and run, but I have a hosp appt.
I think your remorse sounds genuine, but what you have done will cause deep hurt to your husband.
It is very possible that he will find out about this somehow, and when/if this happens, I can assure you that it will hurt much much more than if it comes from you.
I feel sad for him, and hope that you can all move forward somehow

[Hashtagwhatever]

I agree on not telling dh. I think you need some head space away from other man. See where you stand after that

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Agrees with Cogito's fab advice. We are flawed human beings and sometimes we do the wrong things. I'd probably disregard the emotive, hysterics who want to heap more ashes on your head.

Your marriage, your way of handling this. You know your husband best; if you really want to make your marriage work there may be benefit to counselling - or keeping quiet. OM's wife may not tell; keep up the zero contact. I wonder if that's what made you call 'time' on this, that she found out?

You sound very sad, OP... I'm sorry for that. Think things through and make no rash decisions - and listen to Cogito on this, fab non-judgemental advice.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Some other great posts came in whilst I was typing, OP. They stick out like a sore thumb on your thread - I'm glad that you're getting some support here.

[AThingInYourLife]

I think your husband deserves to know what the massive hole in his marriage is.

How can you possibly repair it if you continue lying to him?

[HeyFeverrr]

Wow, a lot to take in.

I really appreciate all the replies. I didn't expect to be patted on the back at all. It is incredibly helpful to hear different perspectives, even some of the ones that are critical - I know I have behaved appallingly. I haven't confided in anyone about the affair - not a soul - out of pure shame. That is why I posted here. I am driving myself mad thinking about it in my own head and need to get perspective.

To clarify a few things:

I think there is a good chance my DH won't find out unless I tell him, although how could I ever be sure? OM's wife does not know who I am at all - no name, knows nothing. She saw a text to my telephone number, that's how she found out, so she does have that and has phoned me and texted me, although that has stopped now (I didnt actually speak to her). It would be hard for her to track me down, although obviously not impossible.

The main risk (although I think it is small) is that OM would decide to tell my DH. I doubt he would do it, but desperate people do desperate things, and a part of me wonders - if his wife left him at some future stage, would he feel like the 'loser' in the situation and try to sabotage my marriage? I don't know.

My gut instinct is not to tell my DH. I have no idea how he would react (hurt and angry, obviously - but whether or not he would leave me or want to work on things, I honestly do not know), but I do know how I felt in a similar situation. He had a brief affair eight years ago, but only told me in a fit of guilt last year. I honestly wish he had never told me. We had gone through a very bad patch at the time, and things had moved on since then. I didn't need to know. I would have rather remained ignorant, honestly.

Yes, I love my DH. Some may scoff at that, but of course I do. He is essentially a good man and there is a great amount of mutual respect (you may scoff, again) and affection between us. Or at least, has been for many years. I also love the OM. Again, some may not understand. I have been, somehow, emotionally attached to him since I was a teenager, although we were out of touch for years. He feels like family. A part of me (big part of me) feels I missed the boat with him and that we should have been a couple all these years. he felt the same way, which is what kept the affair going for so long. But it started to feel very immature and stupid, trying to relive this fantasy of us as a couple. It didn't happen. We both married other people. We made our choices.

Cogito - thank you for your advice. Food for thought. I seem completely lacking in any conviction at the moment (and have done for some time), which is one of the worrying things about this whole situation. I don't seem to know who I am or where my moral compass lies or what I want any more.

I am waffling now - will come back soon.

[AThingInYourLife]

What was the chronology of you finding out about his affair and starting your own?

[HeyFeverrr]

That just struck me@AThing

I honestly had not connected the two before. I started the affair about 2 months after he admitted his affair.

[OneMoreChap]

If you're never, ever going to cheat again, don't tell him. How did you feel when he told you?

I cheated once; eventually left XW and got back with OW later, who is now DW.

I suspect that you're now unhappy, and it may be easier to leave. If you're going to do that, there's no need to tell him.

[AThingInYourLife]

It seems very unlikely that they are not related.

Even if you didn't set out to punish him, it must have made it a lot easier to give yourself permission to start an affair with an old flame.

I don't scoff at the idea that you love your husband.

I wonder whether, when you've been away from him for longer, you will still feel that you love this old boyfriend who treats his wife so badly.

Is it a coincidence that you ended things once she knew and his lies to her became so much harder to ignore?

[HeyFeverrr]

I felt a kind of sick feeling, anger, numbness....the emotions werent all consuming, there was no drama. I just thought back to the time he would have been sleeping with this other woman and how vulnerable I was (PND after traumatic birth of first child) and thought 'hmmm...not so perfect after all, are you?'. I don't know. Part of me didn't really care, too. I just thought...it was a long time ago, our relationship was not as solid as it is now, so let's all move on

I am not deeply unhappy with my DH / marriage...more a sense of restlessness and boredome. The usual adulterer's cliches, I guess.

[HeyFeverrr]

*boredom

[badinage]

What do you classify as the start point of your affair though? Being in touch again for the first time? the first time you kissed? Had sex? Started flirting and taking it into affair territory?

This doesn't actually sound like an unhappy marriage at all. Or at least wasn't before your affair. In fact you said that 2 months before when your husband was honest about his own affair, things had moved on from the bad patch 8 years earlier.

[HeyFeverrr]

Yes, the catalyst for me ending this was his wife finding out. Up until then we had had these fantasy discussions about leaving our respective partners and being together. he gave me the whole spiel of how I was the love of his life, he wanted us to be together etc etc. When his wife found out and left him, I realised it might actually happen - that i would have to tell my husband, too, and that the fantasy might become reality. I felt a mixture of relief, excitement and pure fear. To be honest, i don't even know how I felt. I didn't feel in contro or rational, at all.

Then his wife came back, he it became obvious that he isn't going to abandon his marriage, but still wants an affair. He hasn't actually spelled this out to me clearly - no balls - but come on, actions speak louder than words. I'm not totally thick.

It was as if I suddenly woke up and realised how ridiculously fucked up the whole situation was/is.

[OrmirianResurgam]

Hi
not going to beat you up. What's done is done and you have now done the right thing.

I would suggest you tell your H. Because it's the the right thing to do and you might have a chance of fixing what was wrong with your m in the first place. And also from a pragmatic POV OM's wife might tell your H and that will be worse. May I also suggest you tell her that her POS H has been contacting you after promising not to. He really is a shit!

[HeyFeverrr]

Excuse all the typos.

I started it. I sent him a text suggesting coffee. t was more out of curiosity and nosiness, that kind of 'facebook' feeling where you want to know how someone you used to go out with is getting on. We had sex within hours of meeting and began meeting once every few weeks and then once or twice a week eventually. Awful. So many lies told.

[badinage]

And you sent that first text 2 months after your H had confessed?

[HeyFeverrr]

I definitely won't contact his wife.

She sent a string of texts and left voicemails on my phone when she found out. She sounded absolutely desperate. it was very distressing to hear her so utterly distressed herself. She was threatening that he would never see his kids again, blaming it all on me for 'taking' her DH away from her, extremely abusive towards me. She is in a very vulnerable situation herself, as she is completely dependent on him financially and in other ways.

I can't blame her. I have woken up and of course I feel tremendous guilt. But she isn't someone I want contact with at all, I'm afraid.

[HeyFeverrr]

Yes@badinage. I did.

[Lizzabadger]

So everyone's cheating on everyone in your marriage. Not sure what the point of it is then really.

[OrmirianResurgam]

BTW where are all the bitter vindictive posts on this thread? Have they been deleted Beleive me I have spent some time of relationship sites recently and this is mild.

[harryhausen]

With your extra information, I'd repeat that I think counselling for yourself would be really beneficial. The fact he had an affair (or admitted the affair) not long before you started your own is significant. I'll change my comment in light of you expanding and say hold off telling him. Is there a small part of you that would like him to find out? I'm not goading you, just genuinely asking the question as I think the answer is quite telling.

I think you sound very confused. A bit like a Catherine Wheel that's come off its axis and sputtering in all directions.

Look for a counsellor. I really think you need to talk through how you feel about pretty much everything.