End of an affair

[HeyFeverrr]

Yesterday I ended an affair I have been having for nine months. We are both married with children. He was the only other long relationship (five years) I have had before meeting my husband (11 years ago), and we began an affair deliberately and with our eyes wide open nine months ago. It has got to the stage where I am done with the lies, the guilt and shame, the constant emotional ups and downs, and the disrespect we are both showing ourselves, each other and of course our partners and families. I don?t want this anymore. He wants to continue this sordid situation, but I have asked him not to contact me again, deleted all contacts etc, and he says he will respect that.

I still don?t really have enough distance from the whole thing to be able to reflect and understand how I allowed this to happen. I know that many on here will say ?because you are both horrible, selfish, messed up people?. There is an element of that that would be true, too. But I am left wondering how on earth I got myself in to this mess, how and why I could be so self-destructive and so sabotaging of my family life, and where the hell I go from here? I realise I must be sorely lacking in some areas. I seemed to have become addicted to the drama and deceit for a time, and that disgusts me.

My husband does not know about any of this, but he knows and feels that there is a big rift in our marriage. OM?s wife found out several weeks ago, but has decided to forgive him if he goes completely no-contact with me (which he has not done until the last 24 hours).The situation is awful ? just the typical web of lies and deceit that you read about on here all the time. How do I make this better?

And trust me, you cannot make me feel any worse than I already do with insults etc - I am close to breaking point as it is.

[AnyFucker]

OP has posted an update to this thread today. It is not pretty

[Wellwobbly]

Badinage, affairs are devastating and I think this is the one area that 'conventional morality' doesn't apply.

For instance, OP's husband found out the honest answer that the sex was blinding and out of this world.

He would NEVER get this out of his mind. Never. He might retaliate by disclosing his own affair sex. It would haunt him.

Now: after this, the rational (it was because it was forbidden, hyped up for days before, fantasy, blah blah) - won't touch the sides.

This is all a can of worms and I hope she follows her instincts on this one.

[Wellwobbly]

Yes. OP isn't getting flamed because she is being honest and shows awareness of the mess this is.

[Roundtheruggedrocks]

I think you need to recommit to your husband and not cause him hurt by telling him (although also be prepared for him to find out.) I think you need to go to therapy and explore your feelings and eventually ask your DH to come too.

Affairs are very stressful... as well as devastating loved ones they make you question your entire identity, the nature of love, make you question who actually loves you, who you actually love, look back at your past, imagine your future...

This is a lesson that will be learnt. You're giving yourself a hard enough time. Breathe. Then go and see a therapist and get it all out.

[badinage]

Yes fair play to you for admitting that stuff about sex and adventure. You'd never suggested anything different, as far as I could see and I've got a lot of respect for people who are at least honest about their marriages and why they had affairs.

[thequeenmary]

I too think you really need to speak to someone independent and find out what you really want and why you did what you did. To my unprofessional eye, the fact that he admitted an affair 2 months before is a massive deal, and you may have felt that you deserved to put yourself first, or get your own back, or whatever (I know I would).

It's all very complicated with him being an ex as well and having been in your life for so long. It can be hard to get people out from under your skin, but I have managed it in the past with a lot of effort so hopefully you can too.

[harryhausen]

Me and my DH have been to Relate and found them good and didn't have to wait too long. However, even though I know they do solo counselling, maybe a different private counsellor will be more flexible with times etc.

Really hope you see someone soon.

[OrmirianResurgam]

heyfeverrr - regarding Relate, we didn't find them very accessible. They only did one evening a week in our area and that was booked up months in advance. Even to put our name down in case of a cancellation they demanded the full fee for the session! Try looking for a nearby private counsellor was useful. I find IC and MC for use (different practitioners) and both we good.

[debtherat]

just reading through this thread of deceit, cheating, pain, betrayal makes me feek sick. And at the bottom of the food chain is the poor wife of the "having his cake and eating it" cheat and the whole - our love is vast and meant to be bollocks - spare me!! RL and social media is full of the people outcompeting each other on ego and what they deserve while the rest of us just keep things going. I feel sorry for your initial betrayal but beyond that I only care about the wife whose distressed texts, voicemails show who is really suffering in all of this. Would things have stopped if she hadn't found out? She's the one who needs support and counsellling now.

[HeyFeverrr]

The 'catherine wheel' analogy is bang on the money. That is exactly how I have been feeling - and behaving - for months now.

badinage - I dont know what I am seeking. Something better for everyone? I can't take much more of the chaos this affair has created. I know my husband deserves better.

I have never posted about this or any other aspect of my relationships on MN before, and am not Lavenderrrr.

And just to clarify - I freely admit I wanted adventure, attention, passionate sex (definitely sex was a huge part of it). I am not lying to myself about that, by the way.

I think Relate is looking like a good option. Thank you. I didn't expect therapy or analysis from MN, but the replies I have had so far have already started to put things in perspective. So thank you, again. there are so many issues that need unravelling. i have just been putting off therapy or counselling or whatever for months, as I have been afraid.

[badinage]

Yes I agree cupcake that the OP could have shared her feelings of boredom and restlessness with her husband before having an affair, but surely that was down to her to do? Her husband's not a mind reader after all. I'm just a bit baffled by the advice to 'see that the affair was a symptom of your relationship problems' when the OP hasn't really mentioned any, apart from her own boredom and restlessness which could be as much about her life generally and not just her marriage - and in fact says she wasn't unhappy and the marriage had been in a better place than it had been 8 years before.

I do wonder whether this is a symptom of something I've noticed a LOT on Mumsnet. That when a woman has an affair, it's never thought to be because she fancied some new sex and romance and an exciting adventure to relieve the monotony of daily life. So various excuses are offered by posters, even when the OP is saying something completely different.

[badinage]

I agree with you Ormirian. Opening the windows is a good metaphor too.

The husband felt the OP had a right to know about his own transgression, so it's even more likely that he would appreciate that same honesty in return. I too think it's probable he's feeling disproportionate guilt and that hardly seems fair.

Not all counsellors advise secrets either. Neither my BF's husband's counsellor or her own one, took that line.

[CalamityGin]

well it seems to me that what made you send that text rather than just thinking about doing it was the fact that your husband confessed to you that he had an affair, it was a reaction to this surely?? You must have been deeply hurt and this was your way of "dealing" with it?

maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree but that's how it reads to me

[cupcake78]

Boredom and restlessness because? Maybe she wasn't fulfilled enough, be that in her personal life/relationships/work life etc who knows. But if a marriage or relationship is working well surely its about supporting each other through the times when you as an individual feel like something is missing?! Being aware of the problems of the other person and making sure both parties have open lines of communication.

A good marriage is a partnership of life, emotions, experienced not just sharing the bills!

[OrmirianResurgam]

"Don't be dragged into the cat and mouse game of I must confess all my sins to be a good person again. Nore damage your dh by inflicting bitterness and mistrust on him for the rest of his days. "

Whereas atm her H is feeling all the guilt and possibly blaming himself for the perceived rift because of his affair. It isn't about hurting him or allaying guilt it's about opening the windows and letting some fresh air in.

BTW yes to IC and/or MC.

[Wellwobbly]

Euorzammo, 'bitter' isn't the right word. You need to find a word for: devastated, crushed, rejected, humiliated, and finding out your life is a lie.

You can tell people who have never been touched by betrayal. They have a lighthearted, dismissive attitude than can only come out of innocence (to the utter annhiliation of hurt that intimate betrayal really is)!

OP, good luck and all the best. I, too, find it very interesting that your affair started two months after your H confessed his affair to you. There is a lot of anger/resentment in affairs. Think about when your H had his: when you were, through no fault of your own, not reachable by him.

I personally would not tell him. This is why: " only told me in a fit of guilt last year. I honestly wish he had never told me." [And then you started your affair].

An affair is such a personal and devastating blow, that the GUILT that is needed to be discharged, causes more damage IMO. This is one area that the devastation is so huge that the guilt should be your burden to carry, for ever. I have had a long discussion about this with my PhD hugely experienced IC, and he also agrees that the urge to share the guilt and the need for honesty is way, way outweighed by the DAMAGE it causes.

If I were you, I would go to counselling and really unravel the issues here - by yourself. From the birth trauma that led to your husbands' abandonment, to a real acknowledgement that he ultimately chose you (by giving up the affair), to your own issues here. I hope you get to a place where you forgive your H for betraying you when you were vulnerable, and forgive yourself.

Regarding the POS you had an affair with? The less-than character he is showing now in wanting to continue the split (have wife at home fulfilling his marital needs whilst he has you to feel alive with)? I hope you never ever speak or contact him again. You are showing yourself to be a much better person than he is.

Good luck OP, and I hope you didn't find this bitter.

[badinage]

What relationship problems?

The OP has said she wasn't unhappy, just a bit restless and bored.

[cupcake78]

So its happened, you can't change it or take it back but you can use the experience to make your life a more fulfilling one and to help improve your relationship. Join the rest of the population who make mistakes in their lives (everyone!). It just makes you average. I'm quite happy to be average and even happier knowing that's all I am .

Don't tell your dh! What is the point in that. So you did something silly for a while and all telling him is doing is making him feel even worse for nobody's benefit.

You understand there are issues with your relationship and so to does your dh. Neither of you have denied this and for all you know he feels there is a gap because he has been tempted to go elsewhere also. Of course you have things to work on as a potential couple and as individuals. That's called marriage.

Don't be dragged into the cat and mouse game of I must confess all my sins to be a good person again. Nore damage your dh by inflicting bitterness and mistrust on him for the rest of his days.

IMO you've done the right thing op. Try to see this affair as a symptom of your relationship problems, not the cause. Talk to your dh about how he is feeling and both of you consider what you want for your futures.

[THERhubarb]

HeyFeverrr, you remind me of a poster who used to be called Lavenderrr.

Simple enough answer here. Go to Relate.
We are not psychologists or counsellors or mediators. No-one knows why you had an affair or whether there is something wrong with you. An internet forum won't anaylse you.

Go to Relate. Go by yourself. Tell them everything and start from there.

[PostBellumBugsy]

Oh Hay Feverrrr, it all sounds so raw & painful with double betrayals.

Would definitely second all those who recommend counselling. You really need to be able to talk about what has happened - all of it, including your DH's affair etc.

[badinage]

Have you posted about this affair before by the way?

[FeegleFion]

Hey would you have left your husband if OM had followed through with splitting with his wife?

You don't need to actually answer but I'd suggest if the answer is yes, maybe trying to commit to making your marriage work would be wrong.

If no, then that also speaks volumes to me.

Ultimately, what's done is done and if you really want your husband then put it behind you and be the best you can be.

You must need to prioritise your happiness in whatever you do, or you won't be able to give your best.

[badinage]

I'd have thought your husband would have recognised the signs from his own experience. You say he's been worried about the rift in your marriage. What have you said when he's spoken to you about it?

I'd also think there's a good chance (if he doesn't suspect anything) that he connects your detachment and the rift that's been created with his own affair and your knowledge of it. He might be feeling some guilt about that which is sad because although there might be a connection between his admission and your affair, your own affair is likely to have done most of the recent damage.

What is it you are seeking to make things better then? Better for who or what?

[harryhausen]

With your extra information, I'd repeat that I think counselling for yourself would be really beneficial. The fact he had an affair (or admitted the affair) not long before you started your own is significant. I'll change my comment in light of you expanding and say hold off telling him. Is there a small part of you that would like him to find out? I'm not goading you, just genuinely asking the question as I think the answer is quite telling.

I think you sound very confused. A bit like a Catherine Wheel that's come off its axis and sputtering in all directions.

Look for a counsellor. I really think you need to talk through how you feel about pretty much everything.

[OrmirianResurgam]

BTW where are all the bitter vindictive posts on this thread? Have they been deleted Beleive me I have spent some time of relationship sites recently and this is mild.