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My boyfriend hates my guts, please help me ltb

(608 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Mouseyinmyhousey Wed 15-May-13 17:15:43

Back story is that I have been with my boyfriend over four years, I have one dc from a previous relationship, dc was a baby when boyfriend and I got together so boyfriend is all dc has ever known as 'dad'. Relationship was great to begin with and it was always envisaged that we had a future, marriage, moving in together, him being a parent to dc. He talked about the 'future' moreso than me as I didn't go in to it expecting anything.

After about a year together a started wanting a bit more. Eating together as he'd always eat at his mums, planning to move in together, him not dropping me last minute to see mates, him not speaking to women online he'd met on chatrooms. He withdrew massively at this point and I was made to feel as though I was mental and possessive for wanting a bit more commitment. And I actually doubted myself in a big way.

Since then I'm ashamed to admit he's pretty much treated me like shit, he's very good at taking me for a nice dinner or buying me a lovely present but he's pulled so many stunts, breaking up with me, lying and going behind my back, leading me up the garden path only to drop me like a lead weight, I'm mad really not to have just called it a day. I can't possibly go into it all as I'd be here all night but he has pulled some pretty rotten stunts.

Around Christmas time after something else happened I decided enough was enough and ended things. He wasn't too bothered at first but after a few weeks started begging me to get back together, he knew he'd been an idiot, knew he needed to commit, hadn't realised what I meant to him and what he really wanted in life.

I'd had a good few weeks to think things over in my own head and had decided that I wasn't crazy for wanting a boyfriend who was a partner, who after 4 years together would move in, get married, let me get closer to his family as they so desperately want but he's kept me at a safe distance. I knew what I wanted and told him so and that I wasn't going to pretend anymore.

He agreed it was absolutely what he wanted too. He made a huge gesture and bought me a new car as my old one was falling apart, well I put a bulk to it and my old car as deposit but he put most of the money to it. This was one of the things we have argued about in the past as he has a sports car sitting in the garage, a nearly new car, a sports bike and a work van, while I was driving me and dc round in a car with the brakes going. While boyfriend was happy to lodge in my house half the time letting me feed him and do his washing. So I suppose it was his way of showing me that he does care.

Things were a bit better for a few weeks, but then he just went back to his old self.

We just had a lovely weekend it was his birthday and I took him shopping to buy some gifts, we went for a nice meal, got on really well.I raised the subject of the future and it's all come tumbling down again. He's decided that I'm not happy as I'm always 'at him' about moving in or getting married. He needs some space as he can't see how it's going to work. With him this usually leads to weeks of not speaking until he decides he misses me and got it all wrong.

He left a few things here at the weekend and has snuck back in while I was at work to take them. He doesn't have a key and he'd actually snuck my back door keys out so he could get in when I wasn't here. I've also found out he's had the week off work and made out he only ahd the day off, probably because he was scared I might have a few days off too.

I don't know what more I can do to make this man happy, I'm a nice person, I'm kind and I love him very much, I think that I'm attractive and I'm sure he finds me attractive, we have fun and lots of laughs, we've lots in common, we get on well generally and I feel a spark as in we always have lots to talk about and we're very affectionatte to one another.

I can't be doing with the games anymore, all I want is a normal life together but he seemingly doesn't want the same as me. He has a new issue with me every few months. It's getting ridiculous, my dc has started missing him terribly when he goes home and even crying for him.

I have to call it a day don't I? But I don't know how to stay strong.

DawnOfTheDee Wed 15-May-13 18:43:47

You're kidding yourself I'm afraid. This 'man's is a cocklodger. You want to know how to keep him happy? Do nothing. Keep things exactly as they are....I assure you he's very happy with the status quo.

You need to ltb. If not for yourself then think of the example you are setting for your dc.

Apologies if this sounds harsh but you seem to be looking for any and every reason to stay.

BarredfromhavingStella Wed 15-May-13 18:43:57

The title of your thread says it all for me, if you honestly think he hates your guts why the fuck do you want to be with this twat?

You & your child deserve far better than this, he is a wanker plain & simple, he is never going to change-keep the car & fuck him off.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 15-May-13 18:47:32

"I can't be doing with the games anymore, all I want is a normal life together but he seemingly doesn't want the same as me"

I think this just summarises it, really.

You can't change him.

Mouseyinmyhousey Wed 15-May-13 18:49:06

I'm not concerned if people sound harsh or rude as I can understand that I have asked for advice and people will say it as they see, although I would appreciate people being a bit gentle as although I may sound a complete idiot I am hurting quite a bit. I possibly am looking for reasons to stay as I think I convince myself/let him convince me that I'm being very unfair on him somehow.

The title does probably sound quite ott in hindsight but at the point of writing it it was how I felt, as I'd just realised he'd taken the week off while dc and I are at work/school and not let on. And still saying he wants space when I've done nothing other than raise the question of our future together.

lottieandmia Wed 15-May-13 18:49:42

'He sounds like a low grade sociopath.'

I have to agree - the sort of behaviour he is displaying sounds bonkers. He will wear you down - get out before he does!

uncongenial Wed 15-May-13 18:50:07

It sounds a little as if he has a separate life from you and wants to keep it that way. This might sound far fetched, but is it possible he lives with a girlfriend/wife when not with you?

lottieandmia Wed 15-May-13 18:51:18

mousey - it's nothing to do with him not being into you - he's fucked up he'd be like this whoever he was with.

What do you know about his exes and how those relationships ended?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 15-May-13 18:53:01

Do you feel a bit sorry for him?

I'm getting a niggling sense that you see him as being in need of extra care - he's shy, inadequate somehow, not confident about his looks?

Forgive me if I've read that wrong

BIWI Wed 15-May-13 18:53:14

Just imagine reading your posts as if they were written by one of your best friends. What would you advise her?

I bet you wouldn't advise her to carry on this relationship!

lottieandmia Wed 15-May-13 18:53:44

Most people who are EA in relaitonships have learned the behaviour from their parents somehow and they often don't even know that they are abusive.

Mouseyinmyhousey Wed 15-May-13 18:54:04

He definitely doesn't have another girlfriend/wife.

I'm free to go to his house any time I like and do go over and there's absolutely nothing suspicious there, just mine his and dcs stuff dumped everywhere, it's not very lived in but there's certainly no other woman there. We're also together or hanging around at one another house every weekend unless one of us has something planned and he's round mine most of the week.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Wed 15-May-13 18:55:33

A partner in life should not be leaving you feeling shite.

Sorry, but I can't see what the up side of this is for you sad

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 15-May-13 18:57:33


Yes, it is as simple as that, isn't it? Once we are past the does-he-doesn't he of early relationships, it really should be the case that your partner is the person who helps you feel good about yourself, secure and relaxed...

Mouseyinmyhousey Wed 15-May-13 19:00:24

lottieandmia he had one girlfriend previous to me, he was only with her for about a year and she was quite a bit young than him, she left him for someone else.

jamie there is an element of what you said but it's difficult to explain.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Wed 15-May-13 19:01:15

That's exactly it.

And the person in question can be a nice person unlike this particular sack of shit but still, if you are not feeling supported, secure and happy then it isn't the right relationship for you.

that is what the relationship is for.

Mouseyinmyhousey Wed 15-May-13 19:03:55

shipwrecked I suppose the thing is I feel secure and supported 'some of the time', or even a lot of the time, even without the living together he does some of the things a partner does. But the problem is that it's not full time and he will simply pull the rug from under me at any point.

lottieandmia Wed 15-May-13 19:08:17

How can you possibly feel secure with someone who arranges to go on holiday with you, then throws all his toys out of the pram and uninvites you and who has a week off work but doesn't want to spend it with you? You can't build a life with someone like this. At this stage of a relationship most of your free time should be spent doing things together and feeling secure in the relationship as others have said.

He's probably become a habit that you will feel temporarily lonely without.

IrritatingInfinity Wed 15-May-13 19:09:30

In your OP you wrote (cut and pasted)

He has a new issue with me every few months. It's getting ridiculous, my dc has started missing him terribly when he goes home and even crying for him

It is one thing for your 'boyfriend' to mess you about but do you think it is ok for him to mess your child about? The child that thinks of your 'boyfriend' as a Dad.
You can be as lovelorn as you want but you are putting your child in an emotionally vulnerable position.

flippinada Wed 15-May-13 19:17:48

Look, this guy is a grade A tosspot.

Your obviously get something - God alone knows what - out of all this tawdry emotional drama, but what about your little one. If you won't get rid for yourself, please do it for them.

Sorry to be blunt, but someone who does that to children (I'm talking about him) is lower than a piece of shit on a shoe.

BarredfromhavingStella Wed 15-May-13 19:21:27

What Flipp said.

OrWellyAnn Wed 15-May-13 19:31:11

Mousey, I'm loathe to say it but he sou DS just like a very dear friends ex. Turns out he lived with someone else and they had a daughter. Neither woman knew about the other ... His family were even in on the lie, putting up pics of the relevant people on the days they visited.
Even now he tries to get my friend back, insisting it's her he loves...I'm confident he does the same to the other ex too!

For whatever reason, this man cannot and will not commit to you. He is either emotionally immature, has someone else or is just too selfish to be a true partner to anyone. Whichever it is you and your dd deserve more. Ltb

Mouseyinmyhousey Wed 15-May-13 19:44:07

I am reading and I am taking it all in.

It's a little hard to contemplate how this may effect my dc. I suppose I think a lot of the days out, mornings spent all cuddled up on bed with books and toys, the instability seemed to matter less when dc was very little, as they had no concept of time. But obviously that is changing as dc is getting older and more attached. I do also find boyfriend very critical of dc, and often find myself stepping in, but I don't know if I'm just being overly defensive because boyfriend isn't parent.

flippinada Wed 15-May-13 19:47:06

I've read back and my last post sounds aggressive. I apologise for that but people who treat children like this (I'm talking about the horrible boyfriend) make me so bloody ANGRY.

OP, if your left feeling upset and confused by his dreadful behaviour imagine how your DD feels. She doesn't have an adult perspective.

Imagine getting a child all excited about a holiday and then bailing out on them because of some crappy, manufactured excuse. Can you imagine doing that to them, knowing how hurt and disappointed they would be? Because that's exactly who this man is. A deeply, deeply nasty piece of work angry .

morningsarepants Wed 15-May-13 19:50:32

Ditch him, ditch him, ditch him! Perhaps it sounds harsh but it really does sound like the way forward. I found myself in a relationship some years ago now that was difficult to get out of (albeit for other reasons) - awful one minute, sweetness and light the next - tried to end it, then got persuaded that things would change etc etc. Finally I really did end it - and no, it wasn't pretty - but it was so worth it to be free. YOU are worth it too. He cannot provide what you really want - commitment - so go out there and look for what you want. There ARE nice men out there, really there are. Go and find one and make yourself happy x

flippinada Wed 15-May-13 19:50:42

Cross posts. He is critical of your DD angry sad? What the hell are you waiting for?

Your poor DD growing up with this shite excuse of a waste of space man..actually search that, I'm being unkind to wastes of space.


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