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ex p suggests a planned ds/dd for our dd whilst remaining apart

(86 Posts)
pod3030 Thu 02-May-13 21:40:42

Hi ,
ex p and i split when he decided our planned dd changed his life too much and he wanted the life he had before.workaholic, history of ea and gas lighting, me and dd had to move out of the family home as everything in his name. he's away a lot which gave me time to resettle not far away so dd could get to see now really blossoming and realising how my personality had been squashed.enjoying my new life and dd happy.

i had a thread not long ago about wanting another child and considering a sperm bank. I think i had come to a decision that yes, this is what i wanted, so i informed ex p as it would affect our dd. he said he had always wanted two dc (this is not true, he gave one of the main reasons for the split as not wanting another dc to complicate his carefully constructed life) and he would like to be the donor so dc have the same dad.
so part of me is thinking, yes, it makes sense, the new dc will have a dad, it won't change the situation but will give me what i want and ex p still gets to do the disney dad thing. it will be the same, but with two.

then i wobble, think am i self sabotaging my chances of happiness with a potential soul mate in the future?, will this keep ex p too much in my life, is this more of his control? he has been ok about respecting my boundaries, he knows i never ever want to get back together. but it's making me weepy thinking about another baby he'll have a say in iykwim. oh i'm so confused. this is madness isn't it. or is it?

AnonAndOnAndOn Thu 02-May-13 21:42:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chubfuddler Thu 02-May-13 21:42:51

It sounds like utter utter madness to me. Don't do it.

msrisotto Thu 02-May-13 21:43:16

It is madness. Is he controlling?

babyhammock Thu 02-May-13 21:45:07


LowLevelWhinging Thu 02-May-13 21:45:26

nononononononononononono NO!

you already know, this is him wanting control!

too messy.

pod3030 Thu 02-May-13 21:45:37

forgot to say, am 40, so the need to conceive quite soon is key, i don't realistically have much time to meet someone and get to a point several years down the line to decide to have children. i am really happy single, i would rather wait for the soul mate if they ever came along, than make do with someone i had to change myself to fit in for. if the soul mate never comes, that's fine too, a man doesn't complete me. But i am yearning for a sibling for my dd.

daisydelilah Thu 02-May-13 21:46:05

I would also say no to this. Too much potential for complication and heartache down the line, and if you bring up two children together they will be siblings, regardless of who their biological father is.

LowLevelWhinging Thu 02-May-13 21:46:29

don't go back there, please!

BOF Thu 02-May-13 21:48:31

'Wanting' just isn't a good enough reason to have another child, not in these circumstances. It's got disaster written all over it.

Booyhoo Thu 02-May-13 21:49:01

no way!

he doesn't want another child but when he hears that you are going to go ahead and have one anyway, suddenly he wants one? this is control. he doesn't want you moving on and wants to keep you tied to him.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Thu 02-May-13 21:51:40

Well its a bit of an odd idea and you should probably go with your gut. But, its not like hes not in your life anyway.

babyhammock Thu 02-May-13 21:52:57

so revisit the sperm bank... have another one... just not with him

pod3030 Thu 02-May-13 21:53:26

blimey, thanks for the quick responses. my compass is completely broken here ,
part of me is thinking it's an easy, slick solution to the problem.

i get another dc, dd gets a sibling, they both go to access to the same dad so no 'i've got a daddy and you don't' scenarios.

but we remain separated and as we are now, civil to one another, respecting boundaries, ...

so you really think it's madness?..

Chubfuddler Thu 02-May-13 21:55:35

Completely bonkers. Honestly.

pod3030 Thu 02-May-13 22:00:14

oh, and turkey baster all the way. no way to dtd. no no noooo.

but it's not something i'll leap blindly into. and i'll def look at the sperm bank option again. but as bugger says, it's not as if he's not in my life anyway. he's going to be there because of dd.
and since having access days he's had to 'do' stuff with her and has realised actually it's brilliant having her. I do all the hard work of course and he gets all the glory. but eh, that's how it is.

missalien Thu 02-May-13 22:00:45

How about fostering or adoption .

But no no no no to the above idea oh my goodness no no no

TheNorthWitch Thu 02-May-13 22:02:30

If he wasn't abusive there might be something to be said for it but he is - a history of ea and gaslighting, you had to leave the family home, he does not like the disruption to his nice ordered life (control). I am sure he is offering this for his own reasons and not to help you - what does he stand to gain?

The nice and easy road isn't always the best btw.

pod3030 Thu 02-May-13 22:02:53

sigh. i sort of knew it.
but there are unconventional families all over the place now. i'm not ready to totally rule it out, but it is looking less of an option, so thank you for your views.

froggers1 Thu 02-May-13 22:04:05

I actually know of someone local to me who did this - its a bit weird but it seems to work for them..the kids see their dad together - they planned it and the kids are 2 yrs apart..

hellohellohihi Thu 02-May-13 22:07:11

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I think I would also be considering the same in your shoes. On a LOT of levels it does make sense, namely the practical ones you mention.. But it's complicated on the emotional levels and they are the real drivers in any situation IMO.

Gah. I really feel for you. This is a toughie.

Only you know how you would feel to further tie yourself to a man you don't want to be tied to....

starfishmummy Thu 02-May-13 22:07:16

God grief. Are you mad, Pod?

And if you really thought it was a good idea, would you be on here asking?

N, no and thrice no!

ColinCaterpillar Thu 02-May-13 22:07:32

If he's controlling, then not a great idea. You never know if you Find a nice man with some lovely children, there might be siblings that way or surely another way.

pod3030 Thu 02-May-13 22:09:41

i think he's really enjoying the attention he's getting when out with dd. he's someone who thrives on attention, he does not exist unless he is reflected by other people.

saying that, he had a very disjointed, unaffectionate childhood, and i can see him discovering things with dd that he missed in his own childhood, even things i 'modelled' to him, like cuddling her and being silly. he has always been very serious and stress filled. i think it's a relief to let go. I think he sees a healing of the past that was previously unavailable to him.

pod3030 Thu 02-May-13 22:17:25

froggers that is interesting! see, it is the practical solution, that's what i can't get away from.

emotionally, i have been blocking the behaviour that is second nature to him. i don't entertain any of it, and i use dd as an example- would he want her to feel like a, b or c that i'm feeling now? that seems to sink in, it makes it real. I truly believe now that it is his childhood that informs his behaviour. but i am not engaging on that side of things, it's up to him to find his own healing.

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